Very sorry for your shock and pain. It's an awful nightmare. We've all lived it and are living it. You can get through this if you begin to take tangible actions now.
We work at the same place but in different departments and the guy is in another department.
Step one: Jobs will have to change. Immediately.
Step two: Cancel the MC IMMEDIATELY. It is almost universally held here on SI that marital counseling after infidelity is a huge mistake. It will result in rugsweeping and blameshifting. Please heed this advice.
Step three: Rescind any offers of reconciliation. You don't know enough yet, you don't know how you're going to feel, and you're in a state of trauma and shock. It is too soon to offer this.
Below, here's a DIY kit for these early days. This list is not exhaustive, but it will give you a start -- and to be clear, you're at the beginning of a very long and painful process. I've marked steps below that apply to either R (reconciliation) or D (divorce) or simply both scenarios.
1. NO MC. Ignore this if you like, but don't say you weren't warned.
2. Immediately get yourself to individual counseling with a betrayal trauma specialist (D or R, either way you need it) - this specialty, betrayal trauma specialist, is VERY important.
3. Get an immediate appointment with a divorce attorney to understand the process (D or R, either way you need to do this)
4. No hysterical bonding sex with her. Don't do it. Don't fall prey to the tears and sobbing jags. It's a form of manipulation. It may be genuine emotion she's expressing in terms of shame, but the tears are not for you.
5. Get an immediate comprehensive STD test. Demand one from her also (this is a D or R, must have)
6. Finances: Talk to your new attorney about separating finances, and start yourself a new checking account. Start having your paycheck deposited there. Withdraw half of what's in joint accounts and put it in accounts you control. Life insurance, credit cards, etc. A good step for either R or D.
7. Get a voice activated recorder at BestBuy (the $50-60 SONY) with a big memory card and start carrying it around activated in your pocket to record any interactions with her (D or R) This will protect you from false domestic violence charges. Sounds far-fetched? It is not. Heed this.
8. Implement a hard 180. Disengage. I repeat, disengage. Read about the 180 here on SI in the sidebar articles.
9. Demand your WW write a no contact letter to her affair partner that you review. Real NO CONTACT. If she breaks no contact, you're done.
9A. Immediately figure out what is going to happen regarding your employer -- your job, her job, his job. Your attorney can advise you here. Again, this is R or D.
10. She writes down a comprehensive, many pages in length, narrative timeline of the affair in her own hand with pen and paper. She does this in two days. She drags her feet, then it's "fuck you, we're divorcing." Details. Not a minimum outline. The whole truth. No lies of omission. This is probably only R, but you can't R with incomplete information.
11. No TRICKLE TRUTH. No BLAMESHIFTING. No more bullshit JUSTIFICATIONS about how she felt or how you weren't paying enough attention. No more REWRITING THE HISTORY OF YOUR MARRIAGE to portray you in a false bad light. NO MORE.
12. You both read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" - she writes out a detailed plan in her own hand for how she plans on implementing the book's recommendations.
13. She turns over all of her devices to you for open review and retrieval of deleted information. Run Dr. Fone software on her phone.
14. EXPOSE (D or R): Expose the affair to her immediate family. This is not for revenge. It is not to get her family "on your side." It is to stop any minimization or false narrative. And it is to implode the fantasy bubble of the affair.
15. EXPOSE (D or R): Expose the affair immediately to any other betrayed spouse or girlfriend. You must do this. You would want to know if it were you. And this further implodes the fantasy of the affair and typically brings it to a screeching halt.
16. Any physical reminders (gifts, sex toys, lingeries, perfume, anything) of the affair should be thrown away. My WW's AP got her a wine fridge as a gift and my WW passively wouldn't do anything with it after D-Day. Huge mistake on her part. I finally threw it in a dumpster in a fit of rage. (This is a D or R action).
[This message edited by Thumos at 1:40 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]