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How has Infidelity Betrayal changed you?

Topic is Sleeping.

HUM1021 ( Member #6222) posted at 12:00 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

I'm more empathetic, more compassionate, less judgmental. More forgiving. More understanding of the complexities of life. Nicer to people I meet.

God it hurts, but my response has been a good thing for me. I think so, anyway.

Me: BS 34
Her: WS 33
M 5 years
dday with 1st OM 4/30/04 EA/PA
dday with 2nd OM 12/11/04 EA/PA
on the reconciliation rollercoaster

posts: 812   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2005   ·   location: Colorado
id 8676296

CaptainRogers ( Member #57127) posted at 5:19 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

I'm more empathetic, more compassionate, less judgmental. More forgiving. More understanding of the complexities of life. Nicer to people I meet.

Interesting, HUM, that I think I'm almost the exact opposite now. I'm less empathetic when it comes to those who face the consequences of selfish behaviors. I'm less compassionate to those around me who have knowingly made choices that have been detrimental and are seeking help out of the results. I'm more judgmental of those stuck inside their bubble who refuse to pay attention to the world around them. And while I do understand the complexities of life more, after being betrayed, I am certainly less forgiving than I had ever been before.

As to the "nicer" to people I meet part...pretty much everyone gets the side eye now. My first internal question is always "I wonder how they screwed someone over today?"

One of my buddies tells me often that there are two options in life: truth & grace. And I need to focus more on that grace part. From drivers on the road to people in the grocery store, all I see are a bunch of self-absorbed people who couldn't care less about the people around them, totally lost in their own little bubble.

Maybe I am too focused on bringing the truth rather than pouring out grace in my everyday life. I used to be the complete opposite, and look where that got me. My wife, who swears that she is an honest person, absolutely hates to hear the truth of her actions. Perhaps when she stops being so defensive, my grace will kick in.

Until then...everyone needs to use a frickin' turn signal. And put your head on a swivel!

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 11:21 PM, July 16th (Friday)]

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3004   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8676348

Dragonfly123 ( Member #62802) posted at 7:50 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

I was reflecting on this just the other day and infidelity has made me stronger. Please don’t misunderstand this, I’m not talking about his affair making me stronger but my journey out of feeling so utterly destroyed.

I am less trusting, but that’s NOT a bad thing. I have no desire to trust so naively again. I’m more aware of red flags, more aware of my own boundaries and far more vocal in calling out my WHs BS when it (rarely) happens. I’m less afraid in our relationship and that help me hold him accountable more because I now have the confidence to do it. I know I can survive if our reconciliation fails.

I still hurt, I still grieve, but it happened and I’m moving forward in accepting that.

I think in general I’m less tolerant of people, again not a bad thing. I’m far more likely to call a spade a spade. I’m far more likely to enforce my boundaries in all areas of my life.

BUT this has happened because I survived this, not because he had a nasty affair.

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.

posts: 1627   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2018
id 8676355

Happenedtome2 ( Member #68906) posted at 1:24 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

That's a hard one.

For me it obviously changed the way I look at FWW. I will probably never fully trust her again.

As far as changing me on a personal level. I will never look at marriage the same way again. If we D I'll likely never date again and even if I do, I will never, EVER get married again. I have no tolerance for music, movies or TV that romanticize affairs. They actually make my blood boil.

It did force me to focus more on my own mental health and on the time I spend with my kids. I don't look at my wife in the same way. Sometimes the spark is there, but more often than not it isn't and lately I have been feeling what some here have described as "indifferent" toward her and toward my marriage.

DDay August 2018
Not so sure about R at this time.
My original post :

posts: 446   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8676372

TrueColours ( Member #79008) posted at 4:16 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

Before this happened I was a calm, rational, and kind person. I was known for it and prided myself on being able to handle everything.

Now I'm angry and jaded. I scare myself when I'm behind the wheel. Yelling and swearing I'd common. Yesterday I made the grocery cashier cry. I don't have control anymore and I don't know who I am anymore. I had a massive breakdown when I got home after what I had done. For all the reasons I hate my WW, this may be one of the biggest.

[This message edited by TrueColours at 10:17 AM, July 17th (Saturday)]

5 years together
2 years married
Dday: June 12 2021
Separated, house sold, no contact, and moved.

posts: 68   ·   registered: Jun. 25th, 2021
id 8676412

Gixxer1998 ( New Member #77284) posted at 6:30 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

It's very easy to get "stuck" when dealing with how we've been hurt by those who were supposed to have our backs. I've very recently DECIDED that I was done letting what happened to me hurt me. Thats right it is a decision. I know it doesn't seem that way but trust me it is. Last night after putting my kids to bed I came to my room and was listening to some music and just thought to myself "why am I continuing to dwell on things I have no control over?"

In that moment I said to myself this is enough I have to change my thinking to move on. Does it hurt what happened? Of course it does but I can no longer lock myself away or I know I won't be able to live my life. When this all happened to me I truly felt that my life was over. Imagine that life being over at 35. Damn that's depressing and for months I've "lived" like that. Well no more I decided ok this happened and now I need... no WANT to be happy again. I've started going to the gym and have lost 63 lbs so far. 60 more to go and im just on my own journey. Even though my stbxw has moved out I still kept tracking her at the expense of my own sanity. Well last night I deleted the app. I put her out of my mind and guess what? I watched a movie and actually enjoyed it. It seemed so foreign to me after almost half a year of misery.

It's all about perspective and I have made the conscience choice to start seeing what I do have instead of what has been taken from me. Listen everyone says it will get better. I think a better term would be it CAN get better but remember you can always stay stuck you have to actually do the work for it to get better.

[This message edited by Gixxer1998 at 12:33 PM, July 17th (Saturday)]

And if it's ok I'll just grab my shit and leave
I won't say one word
I'll keep my tricks up my sleeve
Flew off of the handle
You opened fire on me
Put me down, put me out of misery
I'm fatally yours

posts: 28   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2021   ·   location: Ohio
id 8676425

katmandude54 ( Member #35992) posted at 6:56 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

Second time betrayed. First marriage 10 years, second almost 30. Outcome: No trust for the female of the species. Sorry. Just can't or won't take that route again. Not worth it. I know there are similar stories on both sides but I'm just tired of it. Don't really have the psychic capital to invest in yet another relationship at my age. Still have a teen kid at home, all my energy and time goes there.

Maybe, after she's launched (3 years in HS still) I'll take a look. Likely I'll just invest in books. They never leave you for something shiny and new (or fat and stupid).

If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2012   ·   location: FLORIDA
id 8676428

sillyoldsod ( Member #43649) posted at 12:27 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Second time betrayed. First marriage 10 years, second almost 30. Outcome: No trust for the female of the species. Sorry. Just can't or won't take that route again. Not worth it.

Wow katmandude54 you got dealt a shit sandwich for sure!

My WW betrayed me after 25 years together, 19 married. Divorced about 6 years now and I've been engaged to a lovely lady for over a year.

The OP asks an interesting question and the variety of answers are equally fascinating.

I know infidelity betrayal has changed how I view the importance of exclusivity of significant relationships going forward. Although it would be my preference, I no longer necessarily expect monogomy as a given for ever and ever, whatever my OH tells me she believes in now. However what I do demand above all and for the duration of our relationship is honesty!

I've had some interesting and challenging conversations with my OH and we acknowledge we're singing from different hymn sheets. Her divorce had nothing to do with infidelity so I realise how difficult it must be for her to understand where I'm coming from.

I'm skeptical of an individual's ability to meet every need of their partner over the course of a lifetime. The rose tinted glasses of naivety I wore in my youth have been well and truly discarded in favour of a realism/skepticism/cynicism born of bitter experience. We can never know where our relationship might be next year, in 5 years or even in 25 years. People change. Expectations change.

I admit I'm probably doing some mental gymnastics but I could envisage the possibility of negotiated non monogomy under some circumstances. To be clear I'm not trying to negotiate a sneaky hall pass for me! I guess I'm trying to negotiate an agreement whereby each of us get's our unmet needs met at some point in the future but I don't end up being abandoned again!

I do wonder if that's maybe how some of the poly community feel deep down?

I've never met a sociopath I didn't like.

posts: 650   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 8676533

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 2:10 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

The ability to smell and recognize bullshit a mile away.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8676539

J707 ( Member #63778) posted at 3:50 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

The ability to smell and recognize bullshit a mile away.

That doesn't sound like you at all

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8676550

GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 4:49 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

I will put up with no horseshit whatsoever, no matter who it's from or what it's about.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8676570

Ganondorf ( Member #70843) posted at 2:46 AM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

I'm honestly greatful for it all, in hindsight.

It was really hard for me. It's hard for all of us.

I went NC for a while, but eventually broke that.

I spent about a year writing a lot about how I feel, reading more than I had been (but still less than I'd have liked). I feel I confronted my family on some issues that have been plaguing me. I became aware of my own shortcomings and problems that need addressing.

Once I stopped focusing on what was done to me, and what I can do for myself everything really changed. I don't hold any anger over the betrayal anymore. It is what it is.

During the pregnancy (OMs child) I was really torn over an abortion or not. At the very early stages I was offering it as a choice, but not pushing it. Since they're normal here. But traditionally I've always seen myself as pro life. That whole situation really tested my own morals and I feel I failed that test at the time.

I'm good friends with my ex now. I don't hold any anger or resentment for her. The relationship we have is a new one. She now has a daughter that I absolutely adore. Having met this child I feel has helped reaffirm my values and remind me what compromising them may have cost.

I'm very happy these days. I sometimes get the pangs of loneliness. I think women still affect me more than I'd like but I'm aware of it.

I've learned so much. I understand a new type of pain and have a deeper sense of empathy and sympathy. My values are stronger. I'm a better person in some ways, and working on others. Ultimately it was a small price to pay for such good change in my life.

I recently came across this section in the book Meditations.

“So other people hurt me? That's their problem. Their character and actions are not mine. What is done is ordained to me by nature, what I do by my own.”

Being human makes it hard not to be affected by what others do. But this thought brings comfort. Ultimately they will have to live with the ghosts of their choices, and we ours.

I don't know how I'll react to a betrayal in the future, but I'd like to think I'll be able to just say “ok” and walk away, with a minimal amount of heart break. Those actions are stains on their soul, not mine.

Legit forgot my DD and divorce and I'm fine with that.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019
id 8677163

WhatsRight ( Member #35417) posted at 4:27 AM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

It has taken away my zest for life.

Not going to kill myself, or anything so serious.

But just not interested in life anymore.

Relationship / connection is my joy. None of that from H or kids.

Now I get that from my grandkids only.

And my dogs.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7187   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8677176
Topic is Sleeping.
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