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Just Found Out :
Am I taking the right approach?

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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 6:49 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

You can push the eject button on this nightmare whenever you want.

Have you been reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy"?

Have you gotten an STD test for yourself?

Have you seen an attorney?

Have you contacted the other betrayed spouse?

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4216   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8675507
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 6:59 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

In response to the question that is the title of this thread, no, you're not taking the right approach.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8675513
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 7:00 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

MisterStrange,

It is not your fault that you found yourself in this Horror-Story, but it is your fault for remaining in it.

She is in an active affair and has no incentive to change this. Why would she? She has two men pining for her. She's on cloud 9 and one hell of an ego trip and she doesn't care for the damage that she is causing you.

Does she love you? Definitely not at this moment. She loves the power she has over you, but not you.

Take that power away. See a lawyer, file for divorce and have her served. Shut down this ego trip she is on and take control over your own life back from her.

You and only you have the power to extricate yourself from this horror-story.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with but one step. Take that step and go to where you need to be to get yourself out of this.

Good luck my friend and strength to you.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8675514
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 7:54 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I have panic attacks I wake up to in the dead of night. I throw up from anxiety. Yesterday I passed out and fell to the floor nearly breaking my arm.

Pick up the phone, call your doctor’s office and tell them this. Stay on the phone until you have an appointment today or tomorrow at the latest.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8675535
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 8:43 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I have panic attacks I wake up to in the dead of night. I throw up from anxiety. Yesterday I passed out and fell to the floor nearly breaking my arm.

She told me not to blame her for it.

No compassion whatsoever. Is this who you want to live with for the rest of your life? She's still very active in the affair, as you well know if she's talking to you and texting him.

She needs to move out if she's going to stay in the affair. You need to get an attorney and get your ducks lined up. This doesn't mean divorce is imminent but it does mean that you are not going to take this abuse from her any longer.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8675548
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 9:05 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

MisterStrange, I'm not suite sure what your WW is doing, but she is showing you NO evidence or actions that she wants to remain in the M. She may SAY it, but words mean nothing.

Clearly your situation is very unhealthy and you need to remove yourself from it.

You say you love your WW, but I don't think you know who she is. You cannot love someone who treats you the way she is treating you.

What you are describing is an abusive relationship. You are being abused and effectively asking for more, when you tell her you love her while she is texting is the OM.

No one is going to save you. You have to save yourself. I hope that you will.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8675560
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GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 9:33 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

You are the only one keeping yourself in this tortuous limbo.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8675573
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 9:41 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Your main question is 'Am I taking the right approach?. The answer is NO. You're not taking the right approach.

It seems like you're begging for your wife to stay but her actions clearly indicate she wants to be with her other guy. She sends him messages right in front of you. That is a clear indication that she's thinking the other guy non-stop. Even if she's crying in front of you, she will still text the other guy with love emojis and all that stuff.

If you want to take the right approach. Stop talking to her. She's gone!

It's painful but you have to accept it. Your pain keeps adding up everyday. You have to make it stop now.

Filing for divorce is the right approach. Your wife doesn't realize what she's doing because you're always there. You have done nothing. You approach your communication with her like you don't want to lose her. That's not the right approach. You should approach it like you're done with her. No more bullshit! Stop talking to her because you're going in circles. She will not change!

Good luck!

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8675576
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 1:42 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

OP, this is so sad to read. You are bending over backwards, twist yourself into a pretzel just to have a chance to beg your WW to reconcile? If I didn't read your original post, I thought you are the one who cheated.

Don't expect your WW to respect the marriage and you when you don't respect yourself. Sorry to be harsh but you seem to need a bit of stiffening of the spine.

Strengths to you brother.

posts: 135   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8675665
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balbichi ( New Member #78736) posted at 3:51 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

You are having panic attacks. Your WW doesnt even care. This is not a healthy situation for you to be in. DO you have any family memebrs/ friends you can reach out for support? You should also consult a lawyer.

posts: 7   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2021
id 8675702
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 MisterStrange (original poster New Member #79103) posted at 6:16 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

You are all right, of course.

It’s been a week and I’ve tried every angle. I’ve even gone as far as telling her I could make my peace with an open relationship if she wants to be with him. She finds the idea offensive and even though I have tried everything, she doesn’t admit to the affair being sexual or even emotionally intimate.

It seems almost as if she loves the lie most of all, the illusion that she isn’t doing anything wrong, and even openings like I’ve offered her do nothing to help her stop lying.

Why?

Why would anyone behave like this?

Why would they just keep lying even when handed the option of eating and saving your cake?

I just want to understand.

This morning she started spinning it another way: I should see a psychiatrist to talk about my emotional problems and my inability to trust her. She’s now gaslighting me and turning the narrative around as she has started to fear I am going to tell people she knows, like her family, who she can’t afford to alienate.

A divorce isn’t a financially viable option for me. I don’t have family or friends. Over the years, she’s made herself the sole person in my life and also made me financially dependent on her.

I have no way out. No safety net, no chance at all.

So I have two options. Either I kill myself or I accept things as they are.

The latter depresses me even more, but I’m starting to think, maybe I’ll just stop caring about her the way she’s stopped caring about me and stay in the marriage for practical reasons while perhaps trying to find some emotional resonance elsewhere the same way she has.

This is how quickly a life can unravel and reach its end when you make stupid decisions out of love, or what you perceive as such.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8675719
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 6:52 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

This morning she started spinning it another way: I should see a psychiatrist to talk about my emotional problems and my inability to trust her. She’s now gaslighting me and turning the narrative around as she has started to fear I am going to tell people she knows, like her family, who she can’t afford to alienate.

You are right, she is 100% gas-lighting you. Don't fall for it. Expose the affair to her family and friends. What do you have to loose in doing so? I can tell you what you have to gain; the end of her power play over you and perhaps some support from where you least expect it. You never mentioned if the OM is married. If he is, expose to his Wife. Stop her lies dead in their tracks.

A divorce isn’t a financially viable option for me. I don’t have family or friends. Over the years, she’s made herself the sole person in my life and also made me financially dependent on her.

You cannot possibly know this, go see a lawyer, if there is such a discrepancy in your income, you most likely qualify for spousal support from her. Do not assume you cannot afford to divorce, before you have taken the steps to find out.

Most lawyers in the divorce game have a free first consult. Make an appointment with a couple of them and find out where you stand. Choose the one that makes even you angry because he/she's such a shark and make sure they stand for men's rights in the family court.

So I have two options. Either I kill myself or I accept things as they are.

Look up a suicide prevention hotline in your area, NOW, speak to them and don't hold back on your feelings or drive yourself directly to your doctors office or nearest emergency room and tell them everything. DON'T do it, don't throw your life away for a cheating, manipulative piece of garbage.

You can also not stay in this environment, you can see, it's already killing you bit by bit.

You need to make these moves. People around here including myself have already felt like you feel now, the only reason we can sit here now and advise is because we didn't get frozen in the fear and depression, we acted to protect ourselves.

First things first, get off your butt, an get medical intervention for that depression and suicidal ideation, NOW!

After that, within the next day or two, get to that lawyer. See where you really stand.

How do you eat an elephant? One mouthful at a time. Do just one thing for yourself as suggested in this thread, just one. Get that ball rolling and it will pick up speed.

Strength to you and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 12:54 AM, July 15th (Thursday)]

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8675722
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 7:41 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

This morning she started spinning it another way: I should see a psychiatrist to talk about my emotional problems and my inability to trust her. She’s now gaslighting me and turning the narrative around as she has started to fear I am going to tell people she knows, like her family, who she can’t afford to alienate.

Good you can see it for what it is: gaslighting. And a coursebook case at that. However, she's right about one thing: you should definitely seek psychiatric help but for your own sake and with your own agenda. And if my experience is anything to go by, she might soon disaffirm her own advice, especially if/when she sees that the help you receive undermines her position of power and diminishes her ability to control the narrative.

A divorce isn’t a financially viable option for me. I don’t have family or friends. Over the years, she’s made herself the sole person in my life and also made me financially dependent on her.

Could you elaborate on that? What's your employment situation? Are you unemployed? Have you been unemployed for an extended period? If so, what are you chances of getting back to work and (however slowly) improving your financial standing? Or are you the lower earner in your marriage? To what extent are you financially dependent on your spouse?

More input will likely result in better-tailored advice. I'm pretty sure there are at least a few forum members who had been in a position like yours: feeling financially trapped in a dysfunctional marriage/relationship. They'll hopefully chime in with practical tips for you to consider.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8675725
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 11:57 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Over the years, she’s made herself the sole person in my life and also made me financially dependent on her.

Are you in the US? If so, you'll get spousal support from her as part of a divorce.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8675740
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:26 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

You have other options you just haven’t figured them out.

So she’s isolated you and made you financially dependent on her. Perhaps a good attorney could help you right now to address some of those issues.

Do you have any family you can call?

Do you have emergency housing you can access with a trusted friend for a few days?

There must be some way out - are you currently employed?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10512   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8675745
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 2:43 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

There’s so much history to cover that often times we don’t get the whole story we just get the information around the affair. Your backstory must be so hard because you are so dependent on her and none of us know why. You need very intense therapy to help you figure out how to stand on your own 2 feet emotionally financially mentally.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2900   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8675768
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 MisterStrange (original poster New Member #79103) posted at 8:28 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

Thank you for your immense support.

I’ll clarify.

I am unemployed. Have been for years. I used to have a good, steady job in a respected field. I had saved money to try out some other venues in life I had always wanted to. She encouraged me to quit my job. As she comes from wealth and kept insisting money wouldn’t be a problem, I finally gave in despite my fear. I loved her, after all, and she seemed so supportive.

Has anyone read or seen Gone Girl? That’s sort of our relationship, minus the husband’s infidelity.

I was going to return to my job a couple of years later but she insisted I don’t. She said she just wanted to be with me and that I had no financial reason to return so I made an untraditional choice: I became the “house husband”.

Now I realize she was just gradually taking control over me. Trapping me financially. Isolating me from colleagues and eventually friends. Your typical story, had I been a woman and she a man. Weird this way around, probably.

I though she did all of that out of love. I never considered she might be a narcissist, a real, clinical narcissist slowly eroding all of my relationships.

I never met her parents for almost a decade. When I finally did, I saw why: her mother was an extremely volatile narcissist who also displayed violence towards her broken husband who was pretty much her lackey. She hit him, constantly, several times a day without even hiding it in front of me. She lied to him about extremely big things, baffling things. She had her daughter, my wife, in exactly the same financial and emotional stranglehold as my wife had gotten me into.

Still I refused to see my wife for what she is. I thought her the victim of her abusive mother and sure, she was. But she was also victimizing me, repeating what mother had taught her. Recently when I’ve mentioned how her behavioral patterns resemble those of her mother’s, she’s gone berserk, denying she’s anything like her mother when she’s exactly the same.

I come from a broken home, one of violence and infidelity and fear and sorrow. A connection, a family, was the only thing I wanted in life. She saw this and offered me exactly what I wanted.

But it was all a lie.

She had no love for me, she just wanted to be wanted.

She had no money, it was all from her mother (and preventing any spousal support in case she wants a divorce is exactly why they have such an unusual financial arrangement.) Her mother controls her, she controls whoever she’s been with.

I’ve found out startling things. Other failed marriages before me, starting and ending exactly the same. Always with her presenting an image that’s appealing, so appealing you know it’s too good to be true but buy into it anyway.

When years pass and her spouse finally sees her, she turns hostile and ends it. She doesn’t want anyone to see what she is. Once you do, it’s over. She even knows this on some level, over the past week she admitted, once, how hard it is to let anyone see the thing that’s wrong with her and see her pattern of lying. But then that moment passed, she slipped back into denial and was gone again.

Two nights ago I had a nightmare of her suffocating me. I woke up to her squeezing my head and my face and pushing her fingernails into my skin, shaking my head violently with an enraged expression and saying: Shut up! I need to sleep!

Yesterday was a good day right until midnight. It genuinely felt like she was back home, there was a real emotional connection for a few precious hours. I can see it when she’s faking and she wasn’t. But then, as we were preparing to go to sleep, she started messaging him again. She spend an hour at it.

I talked to her, told her how good the day had been and how sad I was for her not being able to commit for even a single day to repairing the damage. In the hours leading up to the messaging, she had badmouthed him. But that was a lie, of course.

We went to sleep, a sense of calm between us, finally.

I woke up to another panic attack, my stomach feeling like I might be developing an ulcer. First thing she said: this all ends today. She said she’s had it with me, she said I am being violent. I said I was having a panic attack and severe abdominal pain and it’s absurd to say that is being violent. She kept repeating: you are violent, I am afraid of you, I am going to tell everyone how violent you are and how you never let me sleep, never let me be myself, never let me have anything nice for myself.

She said: you will end up on the street, homeless, shamed, everyone knowing you are a violent horrible person, die in a gutter alone.

And she’s right. She has that power over me, now.

Mine isn’t, I realize writing this, a story about surviving infidelity. I wish it had been. I hoped to find a solution here. But this is an ending, one that needs to be written down even for only a handful of people to read. To you, kind stranger, I give you the truth and the story so that at least someone knows, someone has testified, felt my existence. Thank you, whomever reads this. You are the best friend I have ever known.

My wife suddenly said she wouldn’t throw me out on the streets. Said she’ll always support me.

Then she told me, just now, that she doesn’t want to hear another word out of me that doesn’t please her. She told me she almost hates me. Even still. I told her I loved her. She said she didn’t care. She said emotions don’t mean anything to her, said they were for children. She says this while sending him - this old alcoholic of all men she could have chosen from - messages where she says she misses him and feels better when she thinks of him.

She said she’ll take care of me as long as I do whatever she wants me to do from now on, and if I act like she isn’t actually forcing me to do it. My anxiety, my fear, my pain - both physical and emotional - are to be hidden now. She laughs out loud if she she’s I might cry or if I go silent for too long or look at her the wrong way. Laughs and then shouts insults.

She said, if I do anything at all, ever again, that she doesn’t like, she’ll destroy my life. She said she’s free to do whatever she wants and that I am not. She said I will quietly take it if she abuses me and I will never as much as raise my voice to defend myself and that’s the end of it.

So finally I’m awake. Finally I see. Monsters do exist. People like her actually exist. I thought they lived in the realm of fiction alone. The Annie Wilkeses and Hannibal Lecters. The mother from Sharp Objects. The wife from Gone Girl. Bluebeard.

But the stories are all true. I never once thought I’d end up living in one of them. Trapped without escape. In constant terror. Finally seeing the monstrosity that has revealed itself from beneath my wife’s pretty, alluring face.

What I had thought was true love was violence, abuse of the most sickening order.

The only decision in my life I am proud of, the only thing I can look back on and feel some relief: the baby girl we gave up for adoption in our youth. That little innocent life I saved from my wife. Perhaps I did know, even then, deep down, what she was, even though the extent of her soullesness would only reveal itself far in the future.

If I cannot save myself any longer, perhaps I can write a letter to our long gone daughter. Perhaps I can warn her, tell her what her mother is and why we couldn’t keep her. Because of the evil. The destroyer she is. Perhaps I can tell her to run for her life if she ever sees her mother coming. While my life didn’t amount to anything, maybe this one task is the only thing left to do. And maybe it’s enough purpose for one life.

Baby daughter, one day I wish to meet you in Heaven, if there is such a thing.

Sweet child, know that you were loved, always.

Your father

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8676356
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 8:56 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

Please seek the help of a professional in the medical field right now. I suggest you show them this thread. They will direct you to the right people who can assist you with this trauma that you are suffering.

Do not take rash actions. I know the darkness seems overwhelming and you see no path out, but life changes and with some will and effort, you will stand in full sunlight again.

I'm not saying you are considering ending it all, but you are in a dark place before it gets to the point where you are considering finality, please contact the National suicide prevention Hotline:

I believe you are in the USA, the number is: 1-800-273-8255

I wish you strength and know, there are people who care.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8676359
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 9:19 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

All this seems too unusual to be true.

posts: 476   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8676361
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 MisterStrange (original poster New Member #79103) posted at 11:10 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

Thank you. I will not, for now, do anything rash. I still have will to live a little further. I have a couple of things I want to do. I will keep quiet as she demands and finish the things I have to do. The letter. Some other stuff. At least I might buy some time to get my affairs in order. I do have a mother, old of age and not quite there anymore, who I wish to see and wouldn’t want to harm by ending myself, at least not before she passes.

And I am sorry if my tragedy seems too unusual to be true. Trust me, that’s how I feel as well.

Thank you for the information you’ve all provided. Unfortunately I am not in the US. I found this site and decided to open up here, as I am fairly sure my wife would never find this forum and punish me for posting here.

To all of you offering support, it means so much right now.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8676364
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