Thing is, I’m not trying to manipulate her.
The more bitter and aggressive reactions some of you are having might not be the only way out.
I’m not playing victim, either.
I’ve been reading a lot, about infidelity, about finding inner peace. I’ve finally realized I cannot find peace within another person. I have to find it for myself and within myself.
I cannot find it in hate, anger or aggression.
So this is why I’m trying to adopt a new approach. Should I shout and slam the door as I leave forever? Some of you seem to believe this is the only proper reaction to have.
From a practical perspective: where should I go, then, after slamming that door? To live on the streets? To scavenge garbage bins for food?
And what would my enraged, hateful reaction achieve for me, on an emotional or spiritual level?
I am trying to find a way on my feet. I started working on it yesterday.
If my writings sound like literature or fiction, I am sorry. I was a writer by profession, once upon a time, and cannot express myself in any other manner than I do.
But you are right, in a sense. After my initial breakdown and writing my first posts I remembered how good it feels to express myself through writing. Now that I feel a bit more calm, temporarily perhaps, I’ve decided to do just that: write a horror story about all of this. Not exactly a document of what’s happened but some elements of it. That’s what I’ve been doing for two days now and words keep exploding onto the page like never before.
That’s where I find my peace now. If she leaves me, then she leaves me. If she keeps her affair, then she does. Nothing I can do about that. But my initial idea of a letter has now turned into an idea for a book. I will, in a way, expose her to the world but not out of hate for her but for sympathy for myself.
I woke up a bit sad, knowing she was tired and sleeping late because she’s been up messaging him all night once again. I go to bed at a decent time now, for a couple of days, and sleep a little better, wake up and start writing. She sleeps and grabs her phone when she wakes up and keeps at it until around 4-5 AM. The OM is a functional alcoholic who works his own hours so I guess he has time for that bullshit as well.
But instead of waking her up to talk about my hurt and pleading for her to stop it, like I did for a week, I take my sadness and put it to use, pour it into something constructive that’s for me and me alone. I will keep doing this day in and day out. I suspect there will be days when the pain is too big to handle but i can’t live in what ifs.
Of the people commenting here, I would wish for one thing. Stop blaming the victim. Stop trying to say they are lying. Stop saying it’s their own fault for not getting out of an abusive relationship. That only makes you abusers as well.
I’m doing my best with the hand I’ve been dealt and the choices I’ve made. Trying to cope, trying to stop being abused and victimized, trying to scrape my way through life to eventually find a better place, dignity, respect.
Yes, things would be easier if I was an independent macho man who’d just kick the bitch out, like some of you. Must feel good to be more fortunate than others. But not all people are perfect and not all lives are alike.
It’s only been over a week since the last bits of my life were blown to pieces. It will take me time to gather some of those pieces and rebuild myself. Sometimes you end up in prison and there is nothing you can do but cope, survive and rebuild yourself for when the day finally comes when you can get our. No matter how much you’d long for a spectacular prison break.