Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Am I taking the right approach?


Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 11:13 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

All this seems too unusual to be true.

Not necessarily. With full-blown narcissists it's a fairly common occurrence. However, in most publicised cases it's the man who is the abuser and the woman is the victim. The reverse also happens (maybe even with equal frequency), but for a great many psychological and sociological reasons men are much less likely to open up about their experience.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8676365

DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 12:11 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

MisterStrange, do not make irreversible decisions about finality in your current state of mind.

What is the best day you ever had in your adult life from before you were married and had nothing to do with relationships?

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8676368

asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 2:21 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

Buy a voice activated recorder and always have it on when you interact with her. Use an app on your phone until you can get one . Start contacting old friends and colleagues. Find someone you can stay with and start looking for positions in your former field. Anything will do for now. You know she’s setting you up for false domestic violence charges. Get out now.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8676385

 MisterStrange (original poster New Member #79103) posted at 8:03 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

1: It’s true that our situation is different from most. I’m not your average guy in many ways, as I’ve always been more of a relationship and love oriented person than someone who focuses on their career, for example. Which probably makes me easy pickings for a narcissist. When I was a small child, my mother showed clear signs of narcissism and abused me psychologically by controlling me through suicide threats and threats of abandonment. I have forgiven her since, as she is now so old it wouldn’t make sense to punish her for what she can’t even remember. I guess that’s why I’ve had such a powerful longing for a loving and stable partner and why I’m now so utterly shocked.

2: What my best day was that didn’t have anything to do with relationships? Hmm, hard one. I’ve always been in a relationship, I haven’t been single a day since I was about 16. All of my memories involve relationships. But it’s a very powerful question. From the top of my head I guess it’s when I had a professional breakthrough, got an award for something i and only I had put years into doing. Then I felt proud of who I was and what I felt I could achieve.

3: I started to do just that, contacting old friends. I went on Facebook and added a bunch of people I had lost contact with over the years, even an old childhood friend. I was happy that most of them accepted instantly. Rebuilding even the slightest of connection feels good.

I also reached a point of acceptance for now. I realized I cannot control her actions so I decided to stop trying. I realized there is no use blaming her for what she’s done to me, no more than letting her blame affect me. I can only control my own emotions and actions. She will do what she wants to and I have decided to try and not feel bad about it. What she does in no way reflects my worth as a human being, a husband or a man. If she acts that way, it’s probably because she is drowning in negative emotions. I will respond by rebuilding my own self worth. It’s not, after all, I who disgraces my marriage. I have nothing to feel ashamed of.

But I can’t find happiness in negativity either. I can’t be happy while focusing on blaming her and feeling angry or sorry for myself.

For the most part of today I’ve been calm again. Happy, even. Nice but not cowed. Acted normal. It’s getting to her in some way, seeing me collected instead of distraught. Ignoring her constant messaging and instead doing something constructive. Reading, journaling, focusing on things I know she would want to if she wasn’t so caught up in her phone addiction and her filthy affair. Seeing me removed but gentle, distant but polite, no longer begging for her affection. Now she seems a bit bewildered by the sudden swift in my behavior. She tries to gain my attention but not through force, almost begging. And I give her only the slightest attention, only what she asks for and nothing more. I do not actively engage in offering it to her. I do not refuse her or act angry, either.

I simply focus on doing things I enjoy right now, things that don’t involve her.

I expect she’ll rage again, soon, as she adjusts to my behavior. But i don’t care. I’m not playing a game. I’m taking baby steps to rebuild myself into an actual person and not an extension of her.

Let’s see what happens.

I am awake now and somehow, weirdly, it’s giving me energy. At least enough for today.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8676440

HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 8:44 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

For the most part of today I’ve been calm again. Happy, even. Nice but not cowed. Acted normal. It’s getting to her in some way, seeing me collected instead of distraught...Now she seems a bit bewildered by the sudden swift in my behavior. She tries to gain my attention but not through force, almost begging. And I give her only the slightest attention, only what she asks for and nothing more. I do not actively engage in offering it to her. I do not refuse her or act angry, either.

You guys are playing a game of who can manipulate who. Manipulating is not honest communication. It’s just a game.

If she just got in a car and drove off and left you forever and ever, what would you do? Do you think maybe you would be better off starting anew with someone not a pathological liar?

Sending strength!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8676445

guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 9:19 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

It was a typical cheating thing at the beginning, so I wrote a long comment and made suggestions, but then it turned into a horror movie. Someone could also be testing her literary work or screenplay here. That's why I said "too unusual to be true".

If it's not, there is no need to babble about all the possibilities of what you should do in return for her actions. There is no other solution but divorce and you should leave without waiting for it.

There's no point living it when freedom is only a few steps away. Since you've had a successful career before, it shouldn't be difficult for you to find a job.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 3:21 PM, July 17th (Saturday)]

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8676449

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 10:34 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

Think of what you’d do if she dumps you for her other man.

Then you’d have to react. Staying in the victim chair isn’t going to help you much I doubt.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:17 PM, Thursday, September 2nd]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8676466

 MisterStrange (original poster New Member #79103) posted at 8:14 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Thing is, I’m not trying to manipulate her.

The more bitter and aggressive reactions some of you are having might not be the only way out.

I’m not playing victim, either.

I’ve been reading a lot, about infidelity, about finding inner peace. I’ve finally realized I cannot find peace within another person. I have to find it for myself and within myself.

I cannot find it in hate, anger or aggression.

So this is why I’m trying to adopt a new approach. Should I shout and slam the door as I leave forever? Some of you seem to believe this is the only proper reaction to have.

From a practical perspective: where should I go, then, after slamming that door? To live on the streets? To scavenge garbage bins for food?

And what would my enraged, hateful reaction achieve for me, on an emotional or spiritual level?

I am trying to find a way on my feet. I started working on it yesterday.

If my writings sound like literature or fiction, I am sorry. I was a writer by profession, once upon a time, and cannot express myself in any other manner than I do.

But you are right, in a sense. After my initial breakdown and writing my first posts I remembered how good it feels to express myself through writing. Now that I feel a bit more calm, temporarily perhaps, I’ve decided to do just that: write a horror story about all of this. Not exactly a document of what’s happened but some elements of it. That’s what I’ve been doing for two days now and words keep exploding onto the page like never before.

That’s where I find my peace now. If she leaves me, then she leaves me. If she keeps her affair, then she does. Nothing I can do about that. But my initial idea of a letter has now turned into an idea for a book. I will, in a way, expose her to the world but not out of hate for her but for sympathy for myself.

I woke up a bit sad, knowing she was tired and sleeping late because she’s been up messaging him all night once again. I go to bed at a decent time now, for a couple of days, and sleep a little better, wake up and start writing. She sleeps and grabs her phone when she wakes up and keeps at it until around 4-5 AM. The OM is a functional alcoholic who works his own hours so I guess he has time for that bullshit as well.

But instead of waking her up to talk about my hurt and pleading for her to stop it, like I did for a week, I take my sadness and put it to use, pour it into something constructive that’s for me and me alone. I will keep doing this day in and day out. I suspect there will be days when the pain is too big to handle but i can’t live in what ifs.

Of the people commenting here, I would wish for one thing. Stop blaming the victim. Stop trying to say they are lying. Stop saying it’s their own fault for not getting out of an abusive relationship. That only makes you abusers as well.

I’m doing my best with the hand I’ve been dealt and the choices I’ve made. Trying to cope, trying to stop being abused and victimized, trying to scrape my way through life to eventually find a better place, dignity, respect.

Yes, things would be easier if I was an independent macho man who’d just kick the bitch out, like some of you. Must feel good to be more fortunate than others. But not all people are perfect and not all lives are alike.

It’s only been over a week since the last bits of my life were blown to pieces. It will take me time to gather some of those pieces and rebuild myself. Sometimes you end up in prison and there is nothing you can do but cope, survive and rebuild yourself for when the day finally comes when you can get our. No matter how much you’d long for a spectacular prison break.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8676523

HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 12:05 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

As someone else mentioned, she could leave you tomorrow. She's already got one foot out the door. You need to get yourself in a position to be able to support yourself when that happens. You need to find a job, asap.

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8676532

jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 1:38 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021


Your last post sounds very rational and composed. I'm glad that you are in a better head space than earlier.

I know that some posts seem attacking, or even victim blaming. There may an occasional post or too that are too strong, but when you look back on the vast majority of these posts when you are further down the road, you are going to see that what they really are pushing for is self empowerment. Self respect. The realization that only YOU can get yourself out of this. But the truth least it was for me and several that it is simply too raw in the very early stages to take that information to heart. It doesn't mean that the information is incorrect.

The bottom line is that you have to do you. One of the reasons that we want you to continually update is that we often can see the tactics of manipulation or diversion where a person who is in the epicenter can not. It doesn't matter if your wife is a narcissist or not; she is clearly and abuser, and the sooner that you can exit this situation, without leaving yourself legally/financially/emotionally vulnerable, the better.

It is our 'job' to help you get there as quickly and healthily as possible.

2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:39 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Sending you some good vibes snd strength to get through this nightmare.

If you want some help with your resume you can private message me.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8676538

Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 2:26 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

If and when you feel hurt by anything anyone writes on this forum, try to treat it like physiotherapy. Sometimes the therapist will hurt you or make you hurt yourself - the pain is hardly bearable, but the goal is to get you back on your feet asap.

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 6:14 AM, Monday, July 19th]

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8676540

nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 4:04 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

MS, inner peace is a worthy goal however - it is impossible to achieve it while you live in an abusive situation and are being manipulated. It is impossible to just "stop being abused and a victim" while you are living in it. Watching you focus on yourself and attempt to change your feelings instead of your environment is like watching the family in the haunted house brush off major red flags knowing things will escalate into a full on tragedy. I don't mean change your environment as in change your WW. I mean finding a way to become independent at all costs.

Where are your family? Do you not have parents? Aunts and uncles? Siblings? Cousins? Long term friends? Doesn't matter if you haven't talked to them in years and that your WW has isolated you. There is a support system there that you could be utilizing. You don't have to live on the street if someone is willing to give you a spare room for a little while or be your roommate.

Can you get a job and get back into the work force? Who cares if she doesn't like it. Inform your boss about it and let him know she might start trouble. If she shows up, makes a scene, and the cops get called, that's a HER problem. Not a you problem. She can't unilaterally force you to stop working unless you allow her to by giving in to her tantrums. What about IC? Would she let you if you explain why you need it to cope/get over her As?

Honestly, I didn't see anyone trying to blame and shame you to the degree you mentioned in your last post. What I do see is some tough love from some very concerned people. And yes, some on troll watch which I don't support. At the end of the day, only YOU can get yourself out of this situation. You both have more power than you know AND are in more danger than you are aware of. Given her history, the days are numbered before she throws you out and moves the OM in. She's grooming your replacement right in front of you. If you spend all of this time coping and writing, where does that leave you when she tells you to get out? Homeless? Up shit's creek without a paddle? Even if it's uncomfortable, if you start figuring it out now, at least you will have a chance of having somewhere to go and some way to support yourself.

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8676556

Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 4:21 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

OP, it is certainly a relief to read you are finding your emotional footing and doing better in that regard.

It's good you find inner peace given your current situation. You did mentioned being practical and not making rash decision that may resulted in you sleeping in the streets or scanvage for food in garbage dumps.

What are your plans for those practical aspects of your life? What are you doing to be financially independent and be on your own if you choose to do so or being forced to so so? As another poster alluded to, the decision to stay in the marriage is not yours alone. At any time, your wife can decide to divorce you and you will end up in the situation you are trying to avoid. I understand it's only been a week but your hands may be forced. It is in your best interest to start making those practical decisions, not to get your wife back but not to be abandoned and left for dead.

Good luck and sending strengths.

Edited for typo.

[This message edited by Wanttobebetter at 10:23 AM, July 18th (Sunday)]

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8676560

 MisterStrange (original poster New Member #79103) posted at 7:21 AM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

Another day, another update.

I’ll keep updating daily just to keep myself sane and all of you supportive people in the know.

Yesterday our evening was great. We were talking and watching movies and reading and discussing things in a way we haven’t in years. It felt good. At one point she started crying and told me how much she regretted endangering us. I almost believed her. But when I told her I appreciate that she acknowledges how she’s hurt our marriage and that the way to fix things is simply to stop doing things she knows is wrong. She kept her cool but I sensed her sudden emotional outburst faded almost as fast as it had started.

Come night, I was getting tired and I saw she was trying to manipulate me by saying things like “You don’t mind if I read this e-book for a while, do you?” As I interpreted this as meaning “I’ll message my lover while you sleep and use this excuse tonight”, I went silent, didn’t find words. She said: “No, I don’t need to read, I’ll go to sleep with you.” Then she did what she does: waited it out until I fell asleep.

I didn’t wake up last night so I have no way to know for sure what she did. In the morning, she was once again super tired and sleeping for several hours longer than I did. When she complained about being tired, I said: “That’s what you get for staying up all night.”

I know it was unnecessarily confrontational but for a second I couldn’t help myself. She snapped immediately: “What the fuck are you implying? It’s not my fault I can’t sleep because you snore so loudly.”

A bit of quarrel and she’s asleep again, sleeping like a baby with no care in the world.

You are right, I understand, that it’s extremely hard to find my peace and regain my inner strength while living like this. The tenderness and love she displays while we talk is the best lie I have ever witnessed. I am good at reading other people, even though I was being blind with her, and seeing how 100-percent genuine she seems, without a hint, without the tiniest trace of dishonesty shining through, it’s a truly remarkable experience in all the wrong ways.

And to know it’s all an act. Jesus, what an actress the world has lost in her. I’ve never seen anything like it.

I just can’t figure out the motivation here. Why?

Can anyone explain? Why does she keep the act up? I’d understand it if she did it for some practical reason like money. But she has absolutely nothing to gain from me apart from my affection and she clearly doesn’t need it. So why?

Why the act?

Why the lies?

Why the exertion of control?

Why be with me at this point?

What the fuck is her endgame?

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8676651

Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 8:30 AM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

What the fuck is her endgame?

Ego stroking and trying to control the narrative. She certainly likes being in control and having two men pick-me-dancing to win her interest and affection is better than having only one. She's using the carrot-and-stick method to string both of you along to feel important.

Another fairly probable option is her trying to preserve her image both internally and externally. She's playing fake nice while at the same time doing things that she knows full well hurt and upset you. It's not in your face, nothing immediately noticeable, but enough to make you feel uneasy. All the while, she's waiting for you to break down or snap. Once that happens, she'll feel justified in terminating the relationship because you are "mentally unstable" or "abusive". That's also the story she'll tell everyone and their mother. She, on the other hand, will appear as clean as a whistle.

You have a highly skilled manipulator on your hands.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8676653

guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:10 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

Should I shout and slam the door as I leave forever? Some of you seem to believe this is the only proper reaction to have.

From a practical perspective: where should I go, then, after slamming that door? To live on the streets? To scavenge garbage bins for food?

I said just get a job and leave. The other part is a drama entirely created by you.

Some BSs like drama. They come here to tell their stories and ask for advice. Of course, they don't have to do everything they're told, and those here don't expect anything like that anyway. But ignoring any of what was said and continuing to do what they did and expecting different results shows that they like drama, not that they want to get rid of it.The pain they suffer is real, but so is the strange pleasure they derive from it.

I wasn't going to write again in this thread because I said what I could say and thought I couldn't contribute any more, but when I saw the quoted sentence above, I had to make an explanation.

Good luck to you.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8676664

KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 2:32 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

[...]asked her if she wants me to die.

She said: Maybe.

I think your decision is made, Mr. Strange. I don't believe you can walk back from contemplating the death or physical harm of a supposedly loved person. You are entirely correct. That IS the worst thing you're ever going to hear. Please, for your own sake, be very careful around her. Do NOT ignore what she said there. Don't accept "I said it when I was angry". There are lines that get crossed in anger, but never something like that. Me, I wouldn't even have meals with her that she prepared (which is totally overblown in terms of a response but it will drive home how hurt you are by her behavior now).

I just started this thread, but was so infuriated by the "maybe I want you dead" comment that I had to respond. I sincerely hope that in the subsequent pages in this thread you have come to the realization that there is absolutely nothing to work with here. For you own safety, I urge you to file.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8676685

Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 2:38 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

What the fuck is her endgame?

This should be a question to yourself..

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8676687

Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 2:55 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

[...]asked her if she wants me to die.

She said: Maybe.

I keep coming back to this, as well. This is the essential issue. If you have a WW who "maybe" wishes you were dead, the rest is white noise.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

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id 8676692
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