Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Am I taking the right approach?

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oldmanchris ( New Member #78645) posted at 4:12 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Oops sorry - wrong thread

[This message edited by oldmanchris at 12:52 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

Feo fuerte y formale

posts: 18   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2021
id 8674545
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 7:38 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Two things that jumped out at me. Chronic lying. It’s a biggie. Look up some personality disorders. Possibly antisocial pd. Second she said she wants you to die. I don’t think she is marriage material. At all. I don’t want someone like her fixing my car, handling my finances, looking after my kids/pets, being in my house. That’s what jumped out at me.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8674600
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 9:08 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

but will not remove these two people from her life online. She keeps saying she won’t let me control herself like that.

Don't let her bully you by playing the 'controlling' card.

You're not controlling her. She's free to choose to keep in contact with these men. You'll choose to no longer be her husband.

There's no wiggle room here, she's either monogamous or she's cheating.

OP, with this attitude from her I don't see much hope of a happy reconciliation for you. Sorry.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8674612
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chepo1966 ( New Member #75720) posted at 11:32 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Mister Strange

First of all I regret that you are going through this great pain of being cheated on by your wife,

The first thing you should do is not try to justify their actions, due to some mental illness, secondly, nothing of their actions is your fault, these are personal decisions

You know you are making a big mistake, by not putting yourself in your place and allowing her to keep in touch, with her AP, you are sweeping under the rug, and you are allowing her to treat you like a doormat, it is literally her ,

Your actions allow her to continue in her adventure and do nothing to solve it, threatens you and tells you that you will have consequences, if you communicate with him, and you go back, she knows that whatever she does, you will forgive her, because you love her and you do not want to lose her, and in the end, your actions take her further away from you, if you do not act, with character and put yourself in your husband's place, this will never end,

You must, act indifferent with her, try to talk as little as possible, sleep in another room, go out with friends, and talk to a lawyer, if in the end you are losing her, she prefers, to be with other men than with you,

Try to see if the AP from her. He is married, communicate with him, and really, one can love his wife a lot, but you cannot get to the limit of losing all kinds of values ​​and dignity, you are a good man, and a good husband, do not continue to allow the abuse of your wife I know it's painful at first, but you're not worth going through this

Place a VAR in her car, with GPS, and you will begin to discover what kind of woman is your wife, I insist that it is painful, but you have the right to know the whole truth.

Remember, practice 180, in its entirety, and if he loves you, he will be afraid of losing you, do not continue to act, as you are doing, until now, you have to act with more character and determination, without threats, with tangible facts, I trust, in which you will have better results.

posts: 41   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2020
id 8674631
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 MisterStrange (original poster New Member #79103) posted at 1:57 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Thank you all for your replies.

Her reactions vary wildly from minute to minute. One minute she laughs at her comment about wanting to see me dead, the next she seems truly remorseful. But she gets volatile whenever I mention the other guy. Blocking him online seems to be the one thing she won’t do.

She removed her online profile, though, but activated it again a few hours later. When she saw I had noticed, she told me she had just activated it to end it with the other man by sending him a message. Now she’s deactivated the account again.

I suspect she will keep doing this: activating it when she wants to interact with him and deactivating it after to keep me off her scent.

We had a long conversation about the sanctity of marriage and the damage cheating does, and for a while she seemed to get it, seemed to want us to start over.

But I’m not sure she doesn’t love lying more than anything else. I suspect her panic about me contacting him could also mean she is lying to him about her marital status as well. I know for a fact she’s been lying to him about her age.

I’ll just have to see how this plays out. I am highly sceptical.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8674649
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 2:16 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

MS, are you comfortable sharing your WW with the OM? You said it yourself - she wants you to fall back into the delusion of a happy marriage while she occasionally has affairs. Here's the other thing that you have not considered - as her relationship with OM(s) progresses, your marriage is even more at threat of ending. She's never been an honest person so who knows what she is telling the OM. She may be telling him that you two are separated or going through a D. He may expect her to move in with him at some point and cut you off. You may find her moving out one day to be with him. If that happens, will you regret waiting and watching it unfold right in front of you? If so, you need to act now and start protecting yourself by getting into IC, reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, and seeing a lawyer even if it's only for information.

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8674652
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 2:21 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

See your doctor and tell him what’s going on, believe me he’s heard it before and can prescribe a sleep aid and anti anxiety meds if necessary. If you’re having trouble eating try protein or meal replacement shakes. Remember to hydrate and stay away from alcohol.

You cannot reach your wayward wife right now. She’s simply not living the same reality that you are. Go to the healing library here and start reading. Read up on the simplified 180 and implement it. Also read the pinned threads at the top of this forum.

There are two paths out of infidelity, reconciliation and divorce. It takes both partners giving 100% to have a shot at reconciliation. Your WW’s actions show she has no interest in R. When one partner is left to get out of infidelity alone, the only path possible is divorce. See a lawyer and have her served. Start moving forward out of infidelity. If she pulls her head out of her ass and starts to follow you can always pause the process. You already know her words mean nothing. Only her actions matter.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 8:22 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8674654
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 2:24 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

We had a long conversation about the sanctity of marriage and the damage cheating does, and for a while she seemed to get it, seemed to want us to start over.

Words or talk mean nothing. Her actions tell you that.

You are living in infidelity because you chose to.

Until that changes you’ll get more of the same.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8674656
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MickeyBill2016 ( Member #56459) posted at 2:33 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

She is afraid of you contacting the other man or the OBS because she cares more about his marriage than she does yours. She is protecting him from any consequences.

What is the down side of you contacting him on your own without her involvement or permission? What will she do that's worse than fucking another man?

If somehow she contacts him to "end the affair" it will be she is so sorry that the star crossed lovers cant be together, but maybe at some other time...Your version may be a little harsher in that you want them to end it and never see each other again.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8674658
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 3:02 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Your in a crazy situation and it's not good for your health. She doesn't care what it's doing to you because she too wrapped up in her lies trying to keep the affair going. Normally the rule is to leave the OM alone, that you aren't going to get the truth out of them.... in this case I think that might be one of your only options. Your WW approach is to continue to lie... and it doesn't seem like her lies have to make sense. If they don't make sense she just screams them louder. Her hope is that you get sick of asking, caring and she get's to cake eat.

From what you've told I'm willing to bet that OM is being fed similar lies. She doesn't want you to contact him because it will ruin her affair. He might think she's psyco with some of her lies.

I get that your trying to stay married and "over look" her lieing problem but I don't think you realize how bad it is... because you've lived this way for so long. How can you work on a marriage if you can't trust the other person. Little lies like yes I took out the garbage ... but we are talking huge lies that could turn into STD's, pregnancy, ...

I would talk to a lawyer to see where you stand. She's not giving you anything to work with. She's in an affair even if she won't admit it. You aren't even getting trickle truth...your getting lie upon lie. You can always stop the process if she gets some serious help.

If OM is married talk to the OBS. If not I'd talk to him. I would not tell her that I was going to do it. Just do it. Use your calm voice and find out what she's been telling him. This will blow up the affair and maybe get you some answers. If she get's mad so be it.

Actually with all of the lies I'd get a VAR and keep it on me. It would be good for keeping her stories straight and also... incase she get's mad and trys to claim DV.

Good luck, I'm really sorry you are dealing with this.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8674664
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GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 1:52 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

This may be the most clear cut case of "nothing to work with" that I've ever seen here.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8674747
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LostInHisFog ( Member #78503) posted at 2:17 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

She removed her online profile, though, but activated it again a few hours later. When she saw I had noticed, she told me she had just activated it to end it with the other man by sending him a message. Now she’s deactivated the account again.

Easiest way to handle this if she is genuine. You create a email address, one she will never know, make the name like a password. Activate her profile, update the profile to the new email address and you change the password while you’re at it, verify the change in the new email account then deactivate the online profile. Done, she will be locked out of the profile forever more. If she is genuine she will let you do this, if she is lying as I suspect she is she won’t let you do this.

I still think you have to get out, she’s acting too erratic and as she is right now she is an unsafe partner. She rather protect the A while kicking your M to the curb.

I roll my eyes every time I read a wayward who deactivates their social media profiles like it’s one big giant show they’re on board with healing the marriage when all they do is activate it when the BS guard is down. The real big giant sign is handing over the control of the profile to the BS, WS still in control of their social profiles means nothing.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 8:23 AM, July 12th (Monday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8674759
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 3:07 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

You can tell her that she can do whatever she wants and you won't be controlling about it. But add that you, as a husband, don't have to put up with that and will initiate divorce proceedings asap. Don't say that as a threat or as a bluff. See a lawyer and find out what your legal options are.

^^^THIS.

You can't control her, but you can certainly control you.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

You came out of the gate saying you won't leave her because she possibly suffers from mental illness. Infidelity is a separate issue. You don't owe her anything; you have zero fault in her "reasons" for having an affair.

Christ, I can't imagine how she would react if you suggested a polygraph.

Take care of yourself, MS and gain the knowledge you need to take your power back.

Strength,

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 9:08 AM, July 12th (Monday)]

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8628   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8674779
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 7:03 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

She removed her online profile, though, but activated it again a few hours later. When she saw I had noticed, she told me she had just activated it to end it with the other man by sending him a message. Now she’s deactivated the account again.

It almost seems like a game to her. Just trying to see how she can bulldoze you and keep things going with him. I'd ask to see the NC letter she sent him... Did she send it? Did it give him a new way of contacting her? Did is say that she was laying low for a few weeks?

The truth is that she has been caught in so many lies that she should be jumping through hoops to regain your trust. She doesn't car. She's just playing game.

I can't imagine how difficult it would be having to deal with someone like this on a daily basis.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8674864
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Justaguy61 ( New Member #75431) posted at 8:00 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

No, you are not taking the right approach. She is completely living an alternate life and cannot be believed about anything. You already know where the is going. You are only delaying the inevitable. Sorry, I know it hurts but... yeah.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8674884
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:07 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

One minute she laughs at her comment about wanting to see me dead, the next she seems truly remorseful.

Seriously, brother. Come on, now.

If there is a man who needs to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" it is you. Please read the book. It's a quick read.

You are engaging in very harmful feedback loops in your thinking. You know this behavior from any spouse is not normal, and certainly not remorseful.

We often talk here about the difference between genuine authentic remorse and regret. Your WW isn't even showing the lesser of the two, regret (which is feeling sorry for herself). You're not even getting that, which is in and of itself not much to work with.

What you're getting here is a deeply unrepentant monstrous personality lacking in remorse who wishes you ill will at best, and death at worst. Please get that through your head. No loving spouse jokes about wishing their spouse dead. Not even jokes.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8674887
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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 8:53 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Her reactions vary wildly from minute to minute. One minute she laughs at her comment about wanting to see me dead, the next she seems truly remorseful.

No, what she feels is regret she got caught or resentment towords you because she has to end the affair. It's not remorse.

But she gets volatile whenever I mention the other guy. Blocking him online seems to be the one thing she won’t do.

And the affair is still ON.

If you don't take some hard decisions right now you are in for a long bumpy road ahead. It's your choice.

[This message edited by BindassBP at 2:56 PM, July 12th (Monday)]

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8674911
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 9:00 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Sorry brother but there is more.

Cake, I need cake! By not deleting the OM tells you he is the preferred man in her life. We go out and “catch up” cheater talk for dates. To state in anger the comment about death 💀 wasn’t a joke but her reptilian brain responding. Unfortunately once stated can never be laughed off.

As she is just going through the motions of blocking him only to unblock him to ‘break it off’ also tells you this is ongoing and again he is her preferred man. Rug sweeping the event so to continue.

Stop the pick me dance now. It comes off to her as being weak, she can get away with this. To save a marriage you have to be prepared to loose it. She has to be accountable and responsible for her actions. You need legal advice as this will get worse. And no that is not controlling you need to know her responsibilities when you find the truth.

Keep Mr Anger in check. You need to communicate better and when anger gets in the way communication is broken.

You have received good advice from very knowledgeable people.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 3:03 PM, July 12th (Monday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8674913
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 9:24 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

I’ll just have to see how this plays out. I am highly sceptical.

To stay sane, put a time limit on that, mark it on your calendar. A month? I doubt you need more.

Otherwise you may well just limp along as is. Men in your position feeling stuck post here all the time. Then they post again 6 months or year later and nothing has changed.

Don't let that be you.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8674924
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 MisterStrange (original poster New Member #79103) posted at 6:36 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I’m not feeling well.

I have panic attacks I wake up to in the dead of night. I throw up from anxiety. Yesterday I passed out and fell to the floor nearly breaking my arm.

She told me not to blame her for it.

She lies and lies and makes up more lies to cover up.

By night she’s calmed down and talks about continuing, maybe even having a baby. Then I wake up to her sending him longing messages while she thinks I’m sleeping, telling him how she thinks of him and misses him.

I wake up dreading what the day will bring: will she make up another absurd reason for going out, convincing me she’s doing something innocent.

I pointed out her pattern of lying, pointed out it seems pathological and told her I love her anyway. She screamed: I DON’T HAVE A PERSONALITY DISORDER! Told me I’m the one with a personality disorder, told me I’m lazy, a drunk, she hates me, she wants me to leave, our entire relationship has been torture for her.

I tell her I’m on her side. That I love her no matter what.

5 minutes later she’s calm, loving, says she’s sorry, says she doesn’t want our marriage to end, says she doesn’t feel anything for him, says she chooses me, wants to have my baby.

10 minutes later she’s messaging him again. Smiles and looks me in the eye and tells me she loves me while texting him.

In less than a week my life has turned into a horror story.

Maybe I’ll die before this is over.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8675501
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