Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
Wife sending nudes to co-worker

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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 8:58 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

So sorry this is happening to you.

You are aware that this is a PA, right?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 2:58 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

posts: 2646   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8673775
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 9:51 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Brother Max,

Once she pressed send on any email or SMS she has losses all control of the imago and words.

If the OBS finds them, she can promulgate them anywhere and at any time. Also the POS would be showing his friends the photos. It is stupid to thing the OM would look at the images then delete them to observe her privacy. Really he is pleasuring himself.

He or any one could sell the images to a porn sight.

But there is more to this. She has done things with him that she would never do with you. They have consummated their relationship.

Sorry but get tested for STDs, separate finances and start researching the OMW. She needs to be told. Expose the A for what it is!

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1199   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8673781
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 11:04 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

I don’t know how anyone could be sure of what has happened. For all I know she was caught before anything physical did happen. Either way I am do believe the intent was there. And what she’s already done is terrible and just idiotic.

I keep telling myself “better now than later” and to be thankful I became aware of the person she truly was.

After seeing the response yesterday I genuinely wonder if there’s some level of emotional deficiency there. She responded the same way she does when we have a squabble over something stupid. Barely spoke, barely apologized, and raised her voice when challenged because she was “mad at herself”. But what about me? This isn’t a messy laundry room it was our marriage.

To the Dr. today for an unrelated checkup by coincidence so I will request an std test.

Also yahoo email recovery is still pending but she could change it via the emergency email or phone at any time. Is it illegal for me to change those so I can retain access until I see what’s really in there?

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8673824
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squid ( member #57624) posted at 11:24 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

If she is still protecting the OM and pushing back against your demands then you can almost guarantee that it's a full-on PA.

She should be offering anything you ask for - access to emails, her phone, electronics - all of it. There should be none of this detective-mode stuff from you.

She already admitted she's cheating. You should justifiably assume that it didn't just stop with sexting and lead with that premise. It's now up to her to prove to you that it didn't. Anything less is just her continuing to lie.

She should already be looking for another job and should have already given the OM her "No More Contact" speech as you witness it.

Anything less means she's not remorseful and that she's not safe for you.

To be blunt it just sounds like she checked out. And even more bluntly, she totally failed the shit test. Her character (or lack of it) has shone right through. NEVER FORGET THAT.

You originally asked if you could ever forgive this. Why should you? You don't HAVE to forgive her. You could simply notch this up as a brutal life lesson and move on.

OR you forgive her now, wait for things to return to "normal", and then spend the rest of your marriage wondering when the other shoes will drop. What happens if you don't "give her enough attention" in the future? Just saying.

As hard as this all is now, imagine this happening again years later when you actually have kids et al. The scenario is all too common. 10-plus year long marriage with kids, one spouse feels neglected or that "something's missing", so they look outside the marriage. All hell breaks loose. Been there, done that.

I'm not saying she'll cheat again. But the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" is cliche for a reason. Do you think she's capable of really digging deep to understand her "why's" in order to change?

To be fair, sometimes it takes a cheater a bit of time to snap out of their fantasy and realize what an ass they're being. But don't wait too long for that to happen.

File and have her served at work. Then tell the OMW. Kill the fantasy and expose it to everyone. And I mean everyone - friends and family alike. Because consequences.

Sorry you're here, dude. As terrible as this shit is, there's life beyond this. The only way out of hell is through it.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8673828
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:50 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

If you need help sleeping and/or dealing with anger/anxiety ask your doctor. They see this all the time and have a short term treatment plan for it.

Your wife hasn't said or done anything so far that would indicate she won't repeat (and do a better job of hiding it).

posts: 2420   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8673832
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 11:58 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Yahoo email rollback took place it appears. So I have emails as far back as 6-28 and two responses from OM. Though still not sure it's entirely complete...but this is it. Emails to him 6-28, 6-30, 7-3, and two on 7-6: a photo of the July calendar (it was July, not June I was mistaken earlier) and a nude an hour or two later. All photos taken from our house, many when I was home. And one when I was upstairs not feeling great before a family event... I had previously found photos dating from 6-21 on her device but no accompanying email. So several weeks at minimum. Not sure why I care other than to document for when needed in the future. I can't think of much worse than having to look at these...

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 5:58 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8673834
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:09 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

What is more upsetting and sad is her response — basically she’s stonewalling. Not because she’s mad at herself. She just refuses to discuss. Basically it’s a big F-U!

My H did that during EA1. I knew it was going on but he refused to admit it. 4 years of this crap. He stonewalled me the entire time. It finally ended and was rug swept. Yes stupidly I allowed it.

15 years later it’s another affair. Why? Because there were no consequences to the first affair.

Please learn from my mistake. If the cheater stonewalls and refuses to discuss, know that is a red flag 🚩 and R or recovery from the affair will be very difficult for the betrayed.

There is something seriously disordered in people who use manipulative tactics like that.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10687   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8673836
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:48 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Once you are able tell her that now the internet has nude pictures of her. He can send them anywhere. His wife can send them anywhere. She has now set her self up as a wall calendar picture for anyone who downloads it. Sending nude photos is way past rational. It’s idiotic.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8673844
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 12:56 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Any recommendations for a reasonable lawyer in NE OH?

My biggest concern is OM is a 3 (4?) time divorcee and will be in her head about getting “what’s hers” and nuking any chance of a reasonable split.

All this and she went to work today (we still have phone location sharing on). We have had no contact.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 7:52 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8673846
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:59 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Default Posted: 5:04 AM, July 9th (Friday) View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate Message

I don’t know how anyone could be sure of what has happened.

You are getting advice from people who have been here for years. People who stayed, to pay it forward. Years,and years, of hard earned knowledge. People who know that nearly every affair is basically the same. That cheaters,while they may be individuals, typically follow a pattern. So much so, we joke about there being a cheater's handbook.

And...

So several weeks at minimum.

This is how we know it's PA. Married Men don't typically get involved in an affair for pics. They're in it for the sex.

They are adults. Adults, who are having an affair,including nude pics, have sex.

She went to work because she wanted to see him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:01 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

posts: 3733   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8673860
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:41 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Don't assume anything. See an attorney about how divorce will impact you. The first hour is often free.

btw: it's not up to you to prove it's a PA. With the evidence you have it's up to her to prove it's not a PA.

posts: 2420   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8673869
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 3:15 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Maxwell354,

With respect to attorney recommendations, I suggest you reach out to any friends or families that are attorneys or who have gone through a divorce to find out who they would recommend. Speak to a few attorneys to find one you feel comfortable with and can help you understand how this will impact you and what steps you need to take.

Good luck!

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8673893
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 3:34 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

I don’t know how anyone could be sure of what has happened. For all I know she was caught before anything physical did happen. Either way I am do believe the intent was there. And what she’s already done is terrible and just idiotic.

Just be prepared for more. We've had several betrayed husbands show up here recently on SI with "just an EA." All of them turned out to be physical affairs. The reason is that when adults are in close proximity for any length of time and have a strong emotional connection and physical attraction for one another, and they are illicit in this attraction, they will sleep together. Most affairs become physical within a matter of weeks (heck for that matter, one night stands happen within a matter of hours). Your WW sounds like she is in typical blameshifting, gaslighting, minimization and trickle truth mode -- which is the stock in trade for most cheaters. She won't even leave her job.

And I'm sorry to say that most affair sex is unprotected sex. This is because they are in lurrvvvv and deem the other partner safe and "clean" for unprotected sex. One betrayed husband here on SI found out recently his wayward wife even tested her AP for STD's so she could have unprotected sex.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:36 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49 Married: Feb. 1996 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2:

posts: 4301   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673900
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 5:47 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Well I'm not sure why I am doing this to myself...but I have access to her texts via iMac and I read some family ones. The whole thing reads like a joke. Either she lied to them about what happened or they see the whole thing as a passing moment. Like she backed into something in my car. I can't believe my eyes.

Should I cut myself off from this? I know I shouldn't be doing that in any case...but I feel the intense urge to know if she's being truthful with her family. But does it really matter? I know the answer but I can't act rationally.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 11:47 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8674002
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 5:56 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Maxwell354,

If you plan to divorce, no need to respond or engage with them until you file. Then you can contact them and let them know what is going on and why. What is your relationship with her family? How would you expect them to respond to her infidelity?

You may wish to continue monitoring just to understand where her head is OR if she's corresponding with one or more APs.

Have you reached out to any of your friends or family? You need a support system to help keep you grounded.

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8674003
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 5:58 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

No, knowledge is power.

It is invaluable as a source of unfiltered information.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8674005
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 6:04 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

he guy she sent the pix to will keep them for his own enjoyment and show to his friends. There is no $ in random pictures of naked women. If she is princess Kate that's a different story.

Him showing people they both know is more damaging than me seeing them on the internet.

The calendar is very telling as those were/are the days where they were going to meet up and continue or consummate the PA, planning ahead.

The story that she tells her family will be with her as the hero. Eventually you might be able to correct them on the misinformation...

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8674009
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:21 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Maxwell. I’m sorry for your continued state of confusion due to her lack of honesty and willingness to be an adult and put the “cards in the table”.

YOU have to decide what you can accept. Only you know that. Many people reconcile with a cheater. Lots of us here. But only you know yourself well enough to know what is a dealbreaker in your marriage.

Some will reconcile if there was no sex. Okay define sex. Everyone has a different perspective on sex and what they believe they can accept. Kiss - ok for some. Intercourse - not ok for some. 100% EA is okay for some - physical affair of any kind not ok.

For some if it was with prostitutes and no emotional - they can accept that. For others if it was even one time of cheating - the marriage is over.

Only you know what you can live with. It doesn’t matter if it was sex or no sex or nudes but not in person Meet ups —- it is still lying and cheating.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10687   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8674015
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 6:25 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

I'm so sorry you had/have the need to look for a site like SI, Maxwell. This is the best club you or anyone else never wanted to join.

I know you are unsure about whether your WW has had a PA or not. In my mind nude pictures are more than an EA. EAs are bad enough if it hasn't escalated. However, I find it hard to believe that nude pictures would be sent by her to the AP before there had been sex. I could be wrong but I think she wouldn't do that before there had been naked together in person.

My XWW's AP said to my XWW "show me your tits" in her office. She supervised him. She did. It was after they had been screwing for some time. I don't think she would have done so if they hadn't already been screwing. She kept her breasts exposed until he finished masturbating. Because of the timing of when that happened I expect he was stimulated by Mardi Gras stories.

So, Maxwell, it's my opinion, for what it's worth, your WW has been naked with him in person including sex. As I said, I could be wrong but I don't think I am.

It's a difficult shitshow. I wish you strength of mind and clarity of thought.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4674   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8674017
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Rufus ( new member #75754) posted at 6:35 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Def will show to friends. Married woman sends pics to guy who is not her spouse, chances are 100%.

[This message edited by Rufus at 12:47 PM, July 9th (Friday)]

posts: 29   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8674019
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