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WS staying for the kids?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 This0is0Fine (original poster Member #72277) posted at 3:53 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

My fWW seems like she is in. 99% of the time things seem on the up and up, but then the doubt creeps in. Is she just trying to keep her family together?

She recently said she doesn't feel seen as a woman. She want to be more than a wife and mother. I asked her,"what do you want to be". She feels she is in my shadow and wants to be "something amazing". At the time we were kinda fighting and anything I could have said would be turned against me. I stonewalled.

I haven't figured it out. I'm a little drunk. Probably a useless post.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1326   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8673364
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 4:15 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

There will always be some doubt. It is a natural consequence of cheating.

Your wife wants to be “something”. That is her own path to navigate — if she feels in “a shadow of someone” — that’s her own insecurity speaking. Is she using that as a justification for cheating?

I hope not.

What does she want to do? Any idea?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8673368
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 This0is0Fine (original poster Member #72277) posted at 4:20 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I don't think it has much (anything?) to do with cheating but I guess that's the thing. I'm not totally sure.

I am coming off losing maybe 40 lbs and getting a promotion at work. She says it makes it feel like she isn't enough and I don't see her as an equal. I told her she doesn't see herself as an equal but I do.

IDK. I'm just a little off today.

Iost my wedding ring in the ocean (on vacation) and twisted the knee I had surgery on last year. Hoping I didn't hurt it again.

Maybe I just needed a place to vent.

Just kinda having a shitty time when I should be excited and having fun.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 10:40 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1326   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8673369
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Jorge ( Member #61424) posted at 4:31 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

She recently said she doesn't feel seen as a woman. She want to be more than a wife and mother. I asked her,"what do you want to be". She feels she is in my shadow and wants to be "something amazing"

This is not a good sign, from a long term perspective. She wants to be more than a wife and mother. This tells me she doesn't believe being a good mother and wife is "something amazing", when in fact it is.

Being a committed mother and wife is one of the most important positions in our society IMO. If she doesn't feel this, then she doesn't value it enough to draw happiness from it. If she's unhappy, the problems will follow.

In my opinion some women (and men) don't realize this until kids arrive. Same with the institution of marriage.

posts: 692   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2017   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8673375
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 5:20 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

She recently said she doesn't feel seen as a woman. She want to be more than a wife and mother. I asked her,"what do you want to be". She feels she is in my shadow and wants to be "something amazing". At the time we were kinda fighting and anything I could have said would be turned against me. I stonewalled.

I hate being such a cynic but I am one. I'm getting bad flashbacks to the pseudo-feminist horseshit your WW was shoveling your way not too long ago in service of her adultery and desire to sleep with other men. This sounds like more of the same with a slightly different twist.

Frankly it also sounds incredibly self regarding. There are 8 billion people on this planet. Has she invented something? Is she a committed and accomplished artist? Has she founded a new religious order? Written a well received novel?

Then she's not amazing and this is just First World navel gazing pity party nonsense.

How about the fact that it's AMAZING she won the lottery in life, was born in America and lives in the lap of luxury that would make Pharoahs blink in astonishment?

She says it makes it feel like she isn't enough and I don't see her as an equal.

More pity party. She could be supporting the husband she screwed over, celebrating your accomplishments and extending gratitude that you're still willing to be part of her life. Instead she's turned it into a referendum on her life, stolen joy from your moment and made it -- ONCE AGAIN -- all about her.

I'm noticing a pattern. Are you?

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:27 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673385
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JanaGreen ( Member #29341) posted at 5:47 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

If she feels insecure and threatened by your accomplishments, that's her problem (and congratulations by the way)! I'm with Thumos on this one. I would feel suspicious that this pity party is the first exit on her road to seeking easy validation in the form of an affair. A healthy partner would cheer your accomplishments and decide to step up her own game in legit ways if she felt unequal.

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8673389
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RocketRaccoon ( Member #54620) posted at 10:28 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

She recently said she doesn't feel seen as a woman. She want to be more than a wife and mother. I asked her,"what do you want to be". She feels she is in my shadow and wants to be "something amazing".

She wants validation, not from you, but from others.

This smacks of wayward thinking. It is this kind of thinking/feelings got the M into this precarious position it is in now.

I foresee a relapse back into the wayward path in the near future, if your WS does not re-adjust her thinking.

ETA: She is falling back into the 'never enough' mindset. Your validation/attention is still not enough, or not good enough, for your WS.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 4:32 AM, July 8th (Thursday)]

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8673416
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 11:10 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Red flags are flying again.

I remember your R involved some rugsweeping. And now they're starting to surface again.

Her quoted words may be 1% of all she says, but that doesn't mean she's 99% inside.

Even if nothing has happened yet, this is a sign of something very serious in the future. She seems to be looking for an external validation again.

You should talk to her more deeply about her words. What does it mean to be a woman? Doesn't she see being a mother and a wife as part of being a woman? Most importantly, is this something you can give her? Or, as her husband and father of her kids, is it not possible for her to see herself as nothing more than a mother and wife next to you? If second, there is nothing you can do. Maybe it can be solved through counselling.

I think by being "seen as a woman", she means more sexually desired. It may also be due to a decrease in your sexual approach to her, but if there is no such thing and it is at a normal level, it means that she can only be satisfied by providing it externally.

She feels she is in my shadow and wants to be "something amazing".

These are words to consider too. What does she mean by "something amazing"? She probably doesn't know what it is either, but she just feels something is missing. Theres an idiom in my language "The sun can't be plastered with mud".

If she were really shiney, she wouldn't be overshadowed by others. What is that amazing thing she can't be because of your presence? And how does your presence prevent this from happening? Does she have an explanation for this?

It is not a healthy attitude always to look outside to be responsible for the things we cannot be in our lives.

All these unhealthy approaches don't prevent her from seeing herself as justified and acting in this way. Therefore, you should pay attention to these signs.

Recently, I watched a TV series called "Sex/Life". It makes me sick that the media legitimize adultery so much. But I think the show explains well what is meant by words like "feeling like a woman" and "being a wife and mother". You'll know what I mean if you watch it. I suggest you don't watch it with your wife, she can get into a lot of stupid interrogations, she already seems full of it. Maybe she already watched it.

After watching, maybe you can question your own situation better.

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id 8673425
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 11:17 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I agree with thumos. This sounds like immature wayward thinking. She wants external validation and a pity party if she doesn't get it.

What is she doing to address this? Does she have a counselor to whom she plans to be honest?

posts: 125   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8673426
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 12:12 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

She wants external validation and a pity party if she doesn't get it.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

What she wants has to come from within. She can do worthwhile things - get a job, volunteer work, etc.

As far as feeling like a woman - that means different things to different people. For me, it means wearing sparkly undies and make up. Yup - in the Land of Chaos you may see me scrubbing toilets in sweats [responsibility isn't always glamorous] but I'll be wearing pink sparklies under those sweats and a glittery lipgloss. Because it makes ME feel awesome.

I have always had an issue with someone saying they feel like they are in someone else's shadow - your feet aren't nailed to the ground - move into the light. And bonus points when you realize that light comes from within.

She wants to be something amazing? Well isn't that relative. To me - someone who's always had to work full time due to carrying the benefits in the Land of Chaos - being a full time wife/mother is my dream job. I'll go before Saint Peter and when he asks my biggest regret - that's what I will tell him. I wasn't able to do that. We are all someone else's amazing. What would it take for her to feel amazing to herself? Because that feeling of amazing doesn't come from external. That's an internal self worth thing. And a perspective thing.

Your fWW has major insecurity issues. External validation won't do diddly squat to fix them. That has to come from within. I hope she finds a good way to figure that all out and then find her own sparkle.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3264   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8673441
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leavingorbit ( Member #69680) posted at 12:44 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Not sure of your story - is she a SAHM? How’s her support system?

Edit: just read your story. Is she in IC?

[This message edited by leavingorbit at 7:34 AM, July 8th (Thursday)]

When we drop fear, we can draw nearer to people, we can draw nearer to the earth, we can draw nearer to all the heavenly creatures that surround us. - bell hooks

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id 8673450
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 1:38 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I hope she finds a good way to figure that all out and then find her own sparkle.

Hopefully she finds that twinkly fairy sparkle before doing more damage to TIF and leaving more wreckage in the wake of her cold self regard.

Or maybe she could just grow the hell up and stop acting like such a child.

Here's a thought: she could be amazing by truly owning what she did deep down, bone deep, and repenting for it and spend her days being a better wife and mother than one who would lie to you thousands of times and jeopardize her family.

Now that would be amazing.

[This message edited by Thumos at 7:44 AM, July 8th (Thursday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673460
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 1:49 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Sorry Tif, but my spidey senses are tingly. This sounds like some wahwah-poor me-wayward bullshit to me.

The fact that she is clearly jealous of your recent successes and is trying to take attention from those and put it on her - man, that's not good. If it was a friend doing that and not your ww, my bet is you would think it was pretty shitty (cus it is). She's your wife - she should be happy for your success and proud and happy for YOU.

She needs to grow up and stop expecting happiness and 'amazing' to be wrapped in a box and handed to her. Those things aren't presents - they come from one's self.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8673466
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:11 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

she should be happy for your success and proud and happy for YOU.

And this.

Even if she isn't as successful as you, she knows how to bring you down. What's worse is that she doesn't hesitate to apply it.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8673474
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 2:13 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Is your WW in IC and working on this?

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8673476
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EvenKeel ( Member #24210) posted at 2:56 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I asked her,"what do you want to be".

This is on her. Ask HER what SHE is going to do to get where she wants to be. You can have a supportive conversation without taking any ownership of her path to make her feel better.

You can't just decide you 'want to be something amazing' without having a dream, vision or a path to get there.

Not like it is fairy-dust that falls upon you one day.

If she doesn't know how to get where she wants to be, then maybe an appointment with a life coach will go a long way for her.

posts: 6666   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8673484
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 3:45 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Did she experience these feelings before her affair? If so did she express them to you then?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8673493
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BraveSirRobin ( Member #69242) posted at 4:03 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Being a committed mother and wife is one of the most important positions in our society IMO. If she doesn't feel this, then she doesn't value it enough to draw happiness from it. If she's unhappy, the problems will follow.

I think you can understand the value of being a stay-at-home parent and still feel like you're losing yourself in it. Six straight games of Candyland is mind numbing for anyone.

That being said, I notice your WW wants to "be" something amazing, not "do" something amazing. She can want to be a famous writer, for example, but to accomplish that, she needs the skills, creativity and discipline to actually write a book. It sounds like she craves accolades rather than feeling any drive to earn them.

Was she was a smart kid to whom things always came easily? If so, she needs to learn to adjust her expectations to adult realities. That's been part of my own work, TBH.

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2038   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8673501
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godheals ( Member #56786) posted at 4:51 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

As a WW and a SAHM I am going to replay here.

Sometimes I get a odd feeling from time to time. Not a lot but sometimes. I don’t think it makes me a bad mom or wife. I think it makes me a human. As a stay at home mom I am working around 4 kids and my H’s Schedule. Always worrying about everyone else’s needs. Trying to put the right pieces together. The feeling I get sometimes is… is my life just working non stop to keep everyone’s life together and maybe I get lost of who am I sometimes. That I need to remember to do something for ME.

Don’t get me wrong. Most days I love staying at home and taking care of the family. But with four kids and it’s summer it’s just non stop kids and making sure everyone is being taken care of. You get lost in the mix of everyone else’s needs that you forget to do something for you. But sometimes finding the time to do that is super hard. When you have four kids non stop saying “mom what are you doing. Mom can you do this. Mom can I do that? They follow you everywhere. Knock on the door when your using the bathroom. Asking me what I am doing. I am in the bathroom what do you think I am doing? Lol.

I just need a moment to clear my head and I don’t get that sometimes. It’s always “mom”. Trying to sneak away in the evening to walk the dog but that don’t work. Someone if not all wants to go with me. I feel like at times everyone has their own life they are living but my life is working around their life. Does that make sense. I just want to be able to do something for me without the family falling apart because mom is not there at that moment to fix it. That life can go on for five mins while I take a shower or walk the dog.

The something amazing might be something for her. Where she don’t feel like she needs to be mom 24/7. She can feel like she has something for herself. I don’t think that is a selfish thing. People get lost in the moment of trying to make everything perfect for everyone else and it make me question at times does my family just see me as someone who just does everything for everyone all the time?

She said to you she don’t feel like she is an equal but you do. I can relate to that at times. My H makes the money. Sometimes I think he thinks that is the one and only important thing there is to having a family. It’s always money to him. He says he knows he can’t do what I do everyday but when things get hard I get a speech from him that his working. Making money. We would not have the things we have if he didn’t work hard ect…. When he says that stuff I feel like what I do is nothing. I work hard also. I just don’t bring home a paycheck. When I heard “me” and “I” from him it don’t make me feel like I am equal to him. It makes me feel like his the only one working hard in this family and I do nothing. When in fact I am doing all this stuff non stop for him and the kids.

He can make a choice to not answer his phone at the moment because he needs a break from work. He can relax and clear his head. I feel like I can’t do that. We have four kids. I live at my job. It don’t stop. Kids don’t just stop. I can relate to your wife at times. It does not have to be a bad thing. When I feel like I am going non stop for the family, H sometimes makes me feel like I am not an equal not always but at times yes, then I get this moment I can’t even use the damn bathroom for two mins to pee and clear my head without a kid asking me what am I doing…then yes I do feel like something might be missing from my life. I just want to feel like I am making a difference with my family by staying at home but I don’t always get that feeling. But I think I have to remember I need to do something for ME and not feel guilt over it.

H: BS
ME: WW
Dday December 2015 (PA for 15 months)
Confessed to H about the A
4 kids together-M 14 Years now.
Happily R.

posts: 1068   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2017   ·   location: Nebraska
id 8673519
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Txquail ( Member #62946) posted at 5:00 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Reposting one of my replies but it applies here..

Id serve your spouse with divorve papers.

You will never trust your spouse ever again. Your relationship will forever be changed.

Trust me it may sound bad now, but moving on was the best thing I ever did. Four year marriage destroyed when my ex-wife cheated.

I was devestated. I fell to rock-bottom over night. After using my head I divorced my wife. At the time it was a very hard thing to do. I was scared and afraid my life was going to change. However my life had already changed because of her cheating.

Got my divorce, was miserable for a period of time. Felt like a failure. However it was the right thing to do.

Ended up meeting a good girl. We dated and ended up getting married. We've now been married for 20 years. I know I can trust her. She gives me 100% access to everything. (She knows my past with first wife). She knows my boundaries and she respects them.

I can tell you Im much better off today with 2nd wife than I was with my 1st cheating wife.

Had I not divorced my 1st wife I would not have mrt my 2nd wife.....

posts: 282   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8673523
Topic is Sleeping.
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