SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

jb,

I think it’s because it’s not necessarily automatic to believe it does come from the heart, particularly in the midst of marital problems. Only an idiot or an asshole (of either gender) would be as insensitive as to outright honestly tell their partner they don’t actually find them attractive anymore, unless the relationship has degraded to such an extreme that they truly just no longer care about how it makes the other person feel. Therefore, it’s almost easy to dismiss it as “he/she ‘has to’ say that”.

This is a common issue that has always bothered me. I'm not talking about your wife specifically, TIF, but to any wayward or partner in a committed relationship.

Why, because the way one feels about oneself(physically), can they simply dismiss their partner's feelings?

Him/Her--"I feel ugly. I don't feel attractive."

Partner--"I find you beautiful. I always have."

Him/Her--"You're just saying that." Or, "It's not the same. You're my partner."

I know that we have to be happy in our own skin. And many of us may at one time or another have not been happy with ourselves. For whatever reasons--aging, poor diet, illness--we don't like what we are/see. But to dismiss our partner, who is telling you from the heart how they see you?

Just a little threadjack. But something that has always bugged me when I said this to my wife. Before, and after, infidelity.

I do see this as part of that problem of seeking external validation.

That said, I do think you should be making your partner feel wanted and sexy. It seems weird that we can all see how someone can definitely hurt someone else, yet we say, "Only you are responsible for your happiness". Nah, your partner can and should do things that make you happy.

So, I did a good job addressing the "seen as a woman thing" but we never really returned to the "feeling like she was in my shadow" stuff.

We talked about it a little today. We figure out anything she or I could do about it, then she basically walked out of the room without us resolving anything to go back to work.

The topic is back out in the open, but still unresolved. Any advice on this one?

Although I have heard a lot, I haven't read the threads of Walloped's yet, I started reading today. When I saw this, I immediately thought of your thread.

50)Why did you sleep with him? He invited her back to his place. She agreed. She knew what he was asking for. She felt close to him. He got her. Validated her. She was feeling so empty. So useless. He made her feel important. Something beyond a housewife and mother. Special. It was empowering. She didn’t do it for him. She did it for herself. Huge ego boost. He wanted her. She knew. He was basically falling over himself for her. She felt powerful.

We talked about it again and my wife told me she understands it's a problem with her and that she should be proud not jealous. She has to figure out her own self-esteem stuff.

Pretty boring update, but there you go.

Has she become more responsive to advances as you discussed last week?

She’s jealous of her own H? Wow that’s a new one.

How do you manage that?

She can be both proud and a little bit jealous. Feelings are often not either/or. They can exist together. Like you can be both happy and sad (think of a kid graduating high school and becoming an official adult). You can be mad sad, etc.

I remember when my WH was constantly being ask to speak at conventions, and was getting published in magazines, etc., I was both proud because it's awesome, and a also little envious at the attention he was getting. Then I realized I actually hate attention and that I don't want that anyway, speaking in front of crowds is the worst ever. If I did want that I would have to change careers, or put myself out there, etc., and work for it like he did.

So anyway, my point is that the answer isn't to say somebody should feel only one way and if they don't, that's automatically bad. Feeling more than one thing at a time is ok in general. Now if she's dwelling on the jealousy, blaming you or using it against you, using it as a reason to cheat, never showing the proud side, etc., then that is absolutely not ok. If she's using that jealousy to motivate herself, or understand herself like the example above, and so on, then I really don't see the problem, to be honest.

Has she become more responsive to advances as you discussed last week?

Hard to call one week a pattern, but yes.

Landclark,

Thanks for the post an I agree with you. I summarized the discussion a little too simply. But essentially what you said. She was allowing the jealousy/envy to compound with her own negative feelings of self-worth. She said she shouldn't take it out on me when she is feeling that way and she should remind herself we are partners not competitors.