Newest Member: HeartbrokenWife76

Just Found Out :
4 year affair, it hurts so much


 Confusedmd (original poster new member #78802) posted at 3:47 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Just found out of a 4 year long EA/PA. I dont know what to do about it. More than the years we've been married. Then he dumped her, she pursued him for another year. Then, when he knew that she was now living long distance from me, he tried to start the affair again, and that's when she finally said no.

Asked her a million questions, but having a hard time believing her answers. She says she loved (loves?) me even during the affair. She said she never planned on leaving me. But why did she stay for 4 years with him, and why did she run after him for another year? 5 years of her giving more effort for the affair than for our relationship. They even had a "relationship song" together. Denied me sex, but doubled the effort for OM.

Will the pain stop? Will I be able to forgive her? What happened is soul crushing. Does anyone have a worse story here than me? Or even a similar one? Can anyone please help me.

posts: 27   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2021
id 8672436

 Confusedmd (original poster new member #78802) posted at 3:55 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Would I love her the same? Did she ever love me? OM came in a time when she was struggling with depression. The depression lasted for about a year. The depression was over, why did it ever last 5 years? If she didnt love him more than me, why did the affair even last that long?

posts: 27   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2021
id 8672441

 Confusedmd (original poster new member #78802) posted at 3:55 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Would I love her the same? Did she ever love me? OM came in a time when she was struggling with depression. The depression lasted for about a year. The depression was over, why did it ever last 5 years? If she didnt love him more than me, why did the affair even last that long?

posts: 27   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2021
id 8672442

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:02 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Hi Confusedmd. All the stories are different but the same, if that makes sense.

Please read in the healing library (upper left in yellow box) and read the posts with the bullseyes in the Just Found Out forum (look on page 3). Really great stuff in there.

Please also understand that you are not to blame for her affair. This is 100% on her. And that it takes YEARS to recover, but things do get better. As for can you forgive— don’t worry about that today. You have experienced a TRAUMA and it will take some time to process it. It is too early to talk about reconciling or divorcing. (but both are possible)

How old are you, how long together, do you have kids, etc— that all comes in to play.

Some other things to help you manage through this—and you will get through this.

1) See your doctor right away for all the STD tests. Don’t have unprotected sex with your WS (wayward spouse) until she has been tested and shows you the results. Cheaters lie, and they lie really well.

2) Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, and get exercise. These help your body and your mind. If you are having trouble eating, try protein shakes. If you are having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor.

3) See a lawyer. Not to file, but to learn and understand your rights and what D (divorce) might look like. Knowledge is power, and removing some unknowns and fears will help. Don’t tell her — this is just for you.

4) Consider IC (individual counseling). It can really help you sort through what you want and what will be best for you. Find one who specializes in trauma.

5) Do you have anyone IRL to talk to ? Pastor, best friend, sibling? It can help to have someone to talk with. Post here as well.

I know you are hurting and in pain. We have ALL been there. And we know you will survive.

Keep reading. (Weekends can be a little slow, so read posts to learn more).

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 10:03 PM, July 4th, 2021 (Sunday)]

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4235   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8672444

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:03 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

You’re getting fed bullshit. She had a whole other life going on the side while married to you. You’ve been living a lie.

Sorry man but all cheaters lie a lot.

Short marriage. Dump her on the spot.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:04 PM, July 4th (Sunday)]

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8672445

 Confusedmd (original poster new member #78802) posted at 4:24 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

I posted here about a month ago. Please refer to the past posts for some info.

Basically she admitted the affair after she felt that I was losing my love for her, no longer there emotionally. She can't bear "losing what we have." She ended it in January, when I told her I was preparing to travel home to her. She showed me all their communication, so I know fo a fact that starting this year, she turned him down emphatically despite his efforts to rekindle their relationship.

I cant function much right now, but she's also not in a good place. I cry all the time, but she does too - i think even more than me. She quit her job 3 days ago, is so regretful that she cant even help with our baby. Most of our communication is when she says sorry or i love you every 15 minutes or so when she manages to come near me beacuse I cant even look at her or touch her anymore. She asks to be intimate with me and tries to have sex with me even while covered with snot.

She says she didnt want to leave me ever, but admits to having feelings for OM even now.

posts: 27   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2021
id 8672446

BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 4:37 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021


She started the affair four years ago, before you were married, then you state

Basically she admitted the affair after she felt that I was losing my love for her, no longer there emotionally.

She is lying to you. You were in the "honeymoon" phases and she cheated on you. Obviously, she is attached to this loser and can't shake the feelings. You love her very much but it takes two committed people to form a marriage. Your wife was NEVER committed to you and married you under false pretenses. You should check your child's paternity and file for divorce.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 10:38 PM, July 4th (Sunday)]

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8672448

Unrealized ( member #77151) posted at 4:37 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

4 years is a long time - it’s hard to know what to do at this stage. Just make sure to look after yourself and get plenty of sleep. That will at least help you make clear decisions. It does get better in time, it just tough in the short term.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2021
id 8672449

 Confusedmd (original poster new member #78802) posted at 5:06 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Basing from the e-mails,it was 2 years of EA, and they would kiss when she went to her childhood home about once a month. For 2 years, he tried very hard to get in her pants, giving her all the compliments known to mankind. He would whine and complain about not having sex, because he just couldn't help it, my wife is so "special". He said that kisses on the lips will never be enough because she was the most beautiful thing he ever laid eyes on - inside and out

She gave in after 2 years, and they were physical about once a month since then. He dumped her because she apparently believed all his words when his motivation for it all was just sex. My wife tried to get him back, for about a year. Then due to COVID, my wife no longer could come to her childhood home once a month, but still she tried to email him to get back to the affair. Then we had our baby in June 2020. When she came back to her old hometown with my son in September, he tried to have sex with her again. That's when she started telling him that she regretted everything and repeatedly tried NC. January was the last time they communicated, although he still tries by other means to talk to her but she shuts him down immediately. She has also told me about those times too.

She thought about deleting everything but changed her mind because according to her, she wanted to have proof to show me that it's over if I found out about the affair. Since the NC, the OM has been trying to reach her even in the hospital where she worked but she has shut him down. Before she quit her job, she gave written requests so that the security guard will not let him within her work premises, with the exception of the ER of course. I've seen the evidence of this, as I asked the security guard about the request.

I cant sleep or eat. I feel like shit.

She has sunk into such a low right now. I sometimes cant even get my wife to take a shower to remove all the snot and dried up tears from her face. She has made everything transactional. "If you would just talk to me for 5 minutes, I promise I will shower after." F*cking ridiculous. Oh, you want me to function normally? Then promise me first that you will never leave me. "I will do anything" but can't even wash the dishes without vomiting on the plates.

posts: 27   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2021
id 8672452

 Confusedmd (original poster new member #78802) posted at 5:14 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Thank you for the replies.

posts: 27   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2021
id 8672455

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:43 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Under these circumstances I’d DNA test the child.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8672461

chepo1966 ( new member #75720) posted at 6:03 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

I remember that we told you a lot that there was much more, and you said, that there was nothing, that you had wasted your time investigating, and that you were tired, many told you a DNA test, that you put a VAR, to tax your car, and in the house,

I'm sorry that everyone was right, but he was very seer that there was something cult in his whole story,

All the stories are serious, and delicate with a lot of pain, the difference is, sun in cm are succulent, the degree of falsehood, the degree of unworthiness, the degree of disrespect and impudence, it may be different, But I believe that in your Cas, your wife, broke all the canons of impudence and falsification more than 5 years, lying and fucking her ex, traveling only to sleep with him, while you worked,

If you can live and overcome all this, continue with this woman, until her ex calls her to fuck, excuse me, but it is the truth, I did not think that, you have a minimum of confidence of credibility in her,

to all this, as she was, with the paternity test.

You are young, and like everyone you deserve, to be happy, and to be together with someone who respects and loves you, as you deserve.

I know it hurts, but it is better to suffer for a while, than to continue all life suffering and thinking where it is,

posts: 41   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2020
id 8672463

SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 6:31 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Sorry for the pain.

What kind of a marriage do you have, she's been screwing another man for years.

Think long and hard if you want to grow old with this woman. Times get tough I wouldn't want to have to count on her.

You want to be chasing after her trying to get her to behave? That's a crummy future.

She's been doing this shit for years, it's her lifestyle.

I agree with Marz, it would be prudent to DNA test your child.

posts: 358   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8672464

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 7:11 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

I'm sorry your suspicions turned out to be true.

How did this come about? Last time you wrote, you said you might have been delusional on your own and closed the issue.

Did she show all the communication between them during the A, or only the part that showed it was over? If she kept it to you as proof, maybe she shaped it herself with the same consciousness. So, do you have all the communication that took place during the A and the following 1 year pursue period? Are you sure some things weren't deleted?

Looking at their A, it almost exactly coincides with your relationship history, and even more if we count their past relationship. So there isn't a moment when the AP isn't in the picture. In fact, if you weren't married, I might have hesitated about who I should call AP. She lived a completely double life, and obviously from their first relationship, she has never been able to get him out of her heart. If you dig into her past, you might find out that they kept in touch after 2012 and that she also cheated on her rebound boyfriend with him.

In short, you lived a lie.

All that crying and begging is a lie. It's impossible for someone who did this to be in love with you. You don't want it to be like that, but you know it. Actually, you know the answers to all the questions you ask yourself.

She can't bear "losing what we have."

What is it that you have? You already felt her lovelessness. Now you know to whom she gave all the attention, love and sex she denied you to. Don't be fooled by current sex and love bombing attempts. You know it's not her.

Their A has been going on since before her pregnancy. So, you should get a paternity test for your child as well as STD tests for you and your WW.

See a lawyer and learn about your legal options for divorce.

Best Wishes.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8672465

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 7:31 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Sorry that you have experienced such a horrible betrayal. Definitely DNA your child. I can't imagine staying with someone like that who lived a completely separate life from you. She cut off the affair when she thought you would leave. How nice of her. She denied you, her husband, while she slept with the OM. In my mind there simply is no way to reconcile with someone so vile but that is up to you. Obviously, she was screwing the OM when she conceived your child. How utterly disgusting.

It's your life, but I just can't see how you could tolerate being near your WW one more second.

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:34 AM, July 5th (Monday)]

posts: 430   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8672466

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:59 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Right now counseling for yourself is yiur best option. It will help you to have someone emotionally support you right now.

Therapy doesn’t give you the answer to divorce or not, but helps you to understand your feelings to help you make a decision or choice about your marriage.

I don’t know if you can reconcile with your wife. Your story is pretty awful b/c the affair went on for so long and your wife admits she has feelings for the OM.

Depression is not an excuse or reason to cheat. I hope you know that. Your wife is using that as a way to justify her behavior. Please shut that down immediately. Many depressed people don’t cheat. She cheated b/c she wanted to. Plain & simple — she chose to cheat.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:59 AM, July 5th (Monday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8672469

Sceadugenga ( member #74429) posted at 8:13 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Basically she admitted the affair after she felt that I was losing my love for her, no longer there emotionally. She can't bear "losing what we have."

That's a pile of rubbish on so many levels.

First of all, if you can't bear losing what you have, you try to keep it or get it back. You could use any number of methods to accomplish either of the above, but no one in their right mind would turn to methods which almost guarantee the situation will get even worse. Simply and crudely put, you don't repair your marriage using a third party's genitals as tools.

Secondly, I seriously doubt she had legitimate reasons to doubt your love for her. More likely, the limerent phase of your relationship naturally wore off and it transitioned into a more stable and mundane routine where the nitty-gritty of everyday life interferes with the excitement of fairy-tale love. I'll wager you also felt it to some degree but didn't go looking for another woman to get your fix of feel-good hormones. There's absolutely no reason to buy into her gaslighting and to allow her to escape accountability for her selfish and emotionally cruel choices.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8672470

redbaron007 ( member #50144) posted at 8:35 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

This is definitely one of the worst stories I've read on this site. She has not only been cheating for the duration of the marriage, but thrown in the "sex addict" jab for free when the poor hubby asked for sex.

My advice: file for divorce already.

You may say: but what if the cheater goes psycho and threatens to harm herself AND your son? My exWW (also a physician) did exactly that, which I promptly reported to the cops, who in turn passed it on the the medical board (there was a DUI as well), leading to a medical board investigation, which finally brought her to her senses after spending $35K on lawyers.

And yes, please DNA test the baby.

So say yes to all her conditions and kick her to the curb. Don't waste your life on this cheater anymore.

Me: BS (44)
She: WS (41)
One son (6)
DDay: May 2015 (OBS told me)
Divorced, Zero regrets, sound sleep, son doing great!
A FOG is just a weather phenomenon. An Affair Fog is a clever excuse invented by WS's to explain their continued bad behavior.

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015   ·   location: West Coast
id 8672472

Unrealized ( member #77151) posted at 10:52 AM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Has she sunk so low because the affair is now out in the open? I felt sorry for my XWW when she was crying and saying she sometimes just wants to disappear I.e kill herself. She also said she wasn’t in contact with OM. Unfortunately for her I pulled the phone records and she was in communication with him all though DD. At this point she had sworn on the kids life that nothing was going on. The point is - tears mean nothing….and cheaters lie.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2021
id 8672480

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 1:29 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

She says she loved (loves?) me even during the affair. She said she never planned on leaving me.


The above statement is true. It's probably one of the most honest things that she has ever told you.

But, and this is a big BUT--her definition of 'love' is not what you think of. An old member here called it 'material' love, because in her mind, you are more a possession than a person with real, valid emotions. Notice how revolves around her--she's so distraught(let's not even consider you) that she can't even care for her child? She made the 'noble' effort of not deleting texts so she had proof that the affair had ended if you ever found out? Let's not consider your agency, or lack thereof, in this.

And yes, she never did plan on leaving you. But she sure planned on getting whatever else she saw fit for herself.

My opinion? You have a DEEPLY FLAWED spouse in front of you. I would highly recommend working on yourself first. It's obvious that you aren't looking to immediately divorce, so the bare minimum that I would suggest is NOT TO CONSIDER RECONCILIATION FOR QUITE SOME TIME. Get yourself into therapy. Watch your wife, and see if she's got what it takes to transform from bad partner into good partner. It will take a ton of work and a lot of time, but she has to do it on her own. Don't fall into the Knight in Shining Armor role, and try to rescue her. She was mature enough to lie to you for your entire marriage while doing as she pleases; she has the maturity to find herself help.

2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3830   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8672490
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