Topic is Sleeping.
Red9999 (original poster New Member #76099) posted at 2:16 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
A little back story WS was confronted about is EA and FA 6 months ago. I asked him then did he buy the person anything personal come to find out he did he spent 135 on one item some autographed pic of the whores favorite musician. It took him 6 months to tell and he probably never would if hadn't ask him for 2 days. His excuse was he forgot about it. He says he doesn't want to think about what happened .He told me he thought I was over it by now because he was. He also thought we were good. I told he may be good but I'm not. He refuses to show all of his account to see if he forgot anything else. I finally talked to a family member about it last night and he agrees that he should show me every account he has so I could at least try to move forward. I ask him did he if notice that I hadn't said I love first in 6 months told me I was playing a game and I didn't say it on purpose.
annb ( Member #22386) posted at 2:33 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
If your husband was truly remorseful, he'd give you access to everything.
You are married, why don't you have access to his accounts if there are no secrets?
Six months out is a drop in the bucket. It's going to take you much more time to move through this trauma. Your husband needs to buckle up and understand this devastation cannot just be swept under the rug.
I was in the same situation with my WH, asked if he/she bought the OW anything or vice versa, he said no, found out through an email that he received about the OW making a gift for his studio and mailing it to his office. Had I not seen that email, he would have never confessed. These waywards always try to protect themselves.
Transparency is non-negotiable, you should have access to everything, his accounts, his social media, his emails, phone records, everything.
GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 2:47 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
Red9999 (original poster New Member #76099) posted at 2:56 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
annb, that is what I told him. I need his help and he is unwilling to give me that. Sad thing about he went through a similar thing with his ex when she had multiple physical affairs. He should know how I feel and at least hold out a hand to help pull me back up. I have hit rock bottom and he only sees himself and only cares about how he feels. He assume since he his over it I should be too. I know he hasn't had any contact with the OW in six months or spent anything else on her/ them. I tried to tell that I just need to know because if he forgot about this what else did he forget about.
Red9999 (original poster New Member #76099) posted at 3:00 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
GoldenR FA= finical affair at least that's what I think.
Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:10 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
Sorry but you do need to realize all cheaters lie a lot.
Red9999 (original poster New Member #76099) posted at 3:18 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
Marz, I know they keep the lies to them self. I hate the fact I don't trust him and I hate that he is unwilling to help me trust him again no matter what it takes or how long it takes. He told me I was abusing him because I was bitching at him. He offer for me to see everything. If I said ok lets look at it he would file for divorce this next month. I honestly believe he has already checked out. I honestly believe there is more he is not telling me and more things he bought her. If he didn't he would show me everything no matter what it is.
stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 3:18 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
He refuses to show all of his account to see if he forgot anything else.
What are you going to do about it?
Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Red9999 (original poster New Member #76099) posted at 3:26 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
stubbornft, I'm lost in this. I don't know what to do. My head tells to leave my heart me to work it out. 22 years of loving, respecting, trusting and tried to give my all to someone who said they love you went down the drain in a matter of a click of a button. If he would just help me.
stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 6:05 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
You need to have boundaries. There is no reason to hide this information from you. Think about this and come up with a boundary but you MUST be willing to enforce it.
So a boundary could be that you will kick him out if he doesn't give you the access.
Not ready for that? What are you ready for? Tell him that he has to sleep in another room if he won't give you the information. Or if he won't, you will move to another room.
In the meantime, get some money set aside. Start planning to leave. He doesn't sound like a loving and supportive partner. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
You need to find your backbone. I say that with compassion for you, not to belittle you. Think it all out - don't tell him anything until you are ready.
Come up with SOME kind of boundaries to start pushing back. He isn't going to give this info because you want or need it. Which sucks. But now that you know, what are you going to do about it?
Just because you aren't ready for a giant step doesn't mean you can't start pushing back and taking up for yourself.
Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:31 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
Gently, your heart may tell you to work it out, but you can't work it out without his help.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
SassyAndSweet ( New Member #78966) posted at 11:36 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
They just don't understand why we can't just click our fingers and presto we don't think about their cheating that we caught them out on.
My partner who cheated on me for the past 5 years yells and screams at me when I do a comment about his cheating he tells me I should be over it by now, move on. But I do aggregate him meaningfully and would change lyrics to songs adding words about his cheating lol and in the shower on the shower screen I would write "cheater" in the steam haha I can't help myself.
beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 11:54 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021
I think she might be implying Physical Affair for the FA. And I agree with Financial Affair.
If your WH is truly remorseful, he'll have to surrender every detail to you. Stand firm on your conviction that if he's really 100% into getting back to you, he should give out 100% full devotion to it.
But based on your story, he's not.
I advise you to lawyer up since you claim you already fell out of love from the last 6 months.
Red9999 (original poster New Member #76099) posted at 12:02 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021
beb552 He didn't have a physical affair.
Trapped74 ( Member #49696) posted at 12:23 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021
According to who? Hope you're not relying on the liar...
Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.
Red9999 (original poster New Member #76099) posted at 12:48 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021
Trapped74 No I know because he hasn't left this house in months before or after without me. He did it all on the computer. But thanks for your concern
CoderMom ( Member #66033) posted at 4:21 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
Sounds like a difficult situation. I was cheated on by my first husband and he sold her his truck, the truck he used to go to work, which left us with just my car, which he blew the timing belt on. SO I was pregnant and had a 2 year old and he leaves me for this woman and I had no vehicle, no job, no money.
I get the importance of having money and not wasting it on things it shouldn't be wasted on. I sought help from family at that point.
Venus1 ( Member #77144) posted at 7:31 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
My head tells to leave my heart me to work it out. 22 years of loving, respecting, trusting and tried to give my all to someone who said they love you went down the drain in a matter of a click of a button. If he would just help me.
I have been here Red! The pain you have experienced doesn't just go away. Let me challenge you with the following -
YOU have loved, respected, trusted, and given your all to your WS. But, has your WS given you the same in return? Leaving is difficult, but ask yourself if staying because you are scared to be alone or scared of D or scared of <<insert another option here>> a reason to be in a relationship where you don't get love, respect, trust and commitment?
I think it's a red flag if he won't give you access to all of the accounts. He's put himself in a position where you are questioning his honesty, so he needs to not rug sweep it. My STBWX started his A virtually before it became physical. If he's hiding something from you, he might be hiding something else.
Be careful with your heart Red!
Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021
scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 10:26 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
He says he doesn't want to think about what happened .He told me he thought I was over it by now because he was.
This is not the talk of a remorseful husband. I'm sorry. Are you in counseling? He needs to be doing everything possible to make you feel safe, anything less is a waste of your time.
Topic is Sleeping.