Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
default

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:31 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

I don't understand how you got back here again. She already said she was in love with him, now what is she denying? Is that one sided? Wasn't Mark aware of her feelings for him? No, in your conversation she said that "they had feelings for each other".

And when you ask if she has discussed these with anyone else her response was "Only the...obvious parties." Mark is in it all the way.

Then how is this not an EA? Or what more does she think it takes to become an EA?

The truth of the matter is: Since you can't show conclusive proof, you're just talking about your suspicions, and she's using it to her advantage. It's pointless trying to prove to a cheater that she's cheating. Do you think she is hesitant because she is unsure about the boundaries of EA? Their A is already physical and she already knows much much better than you that she is cheating.

You don't need to try to get her to accept it. Just showing that you're not buying her lies is enough. For example, call her parents, let them know you're getting divorced, and don't let her write her own story, tell them in your statement that she cheated on you with a coworker named Mark.

Not only will you show what you consider to be true, but in a possible introduction to her family, they'll know who Mark is.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8674987
default

Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 2:55 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Yeah man it sucks but you have to move on. We all have hardships and we all survive in our way. You picked a lousy wife, in the big scheme of things it’s really not a huge deal. You’ll separate, you’ll lick your wounds and one morning you’ll magically wake up happy, wondering what the F you were doing trying to save something that you ultimately did not want or need anyways.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8675015
default

 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 10:29 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Stopped wearing my wedding ring.

It feels so weird. It made me sad to look at my finger with it on; it makes me sad to look at it now that it's off.

I feel numb. I wake up feeling sick. I get caught up in the business of the day and get distracted...and then towards the evening/night, I dread going home. I dread being around my dog, knowing that I am going to lose him too. I dread having to interact with STBXW, the little that I do. I dread going to sleep, because I don't even fall asleep and just lay awake, anxious and nauseous.

I can't even watch TV shows that I previously enjoyed or sought comfort from - because they all remind me of her, being shows we loved and watched together all the time.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8675588
default

 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 10:33 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

On top of this, I'm also having a lot of anxiety around giving my current employer notice that I will be leaving the job.

I got confirmation from the new job today that all conflicts/background checks cleared so I am officially "a go" to put in my two-week notice and proceed with the new job.

But I'm in the middle of a hugely busy trial week, alongside my boss, so don't feel like I can even broach the topic with her till Friday. No one here knows anything about my personal issues and the divorce. I feel so bad knowing that people rely on me and that I'm leaving. I am not sad about leaving the business, but more about leaving my coworkers, because I know they are going to get slammed having to pick up the slack of all the matters I am leaving behind.

I think I just care too much about others...I worry too much about others and not enough about myself.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8675589
default

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:44 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I think I just care too much about others...I worry too much about others and not enough about myself.

They'll figure it out. They are all capable people that have dealt with problems before.

You 100% need to put your (oxygen) mask on first.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:45 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1343   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8675592
default

Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 10:54 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

What you are feeling is normal. As humans our bodies are biologically conditioned to crave normalcy. When that changes our bodies kick into "fight or flight" mode, which releases a ton of hormones into our body that make it do crazy things, including wearing you the hell out. Every day a few of those hormones leave your body as you begin to process the new normal.

It will still suck in a week, but you'll feel way better. Understand that this is largely out of your control and look for ways to address the problem. Physical activity is the #1 way to seep the body of these hormones and replace them with ones more positive for your psyche.

With that said, they're there for a reason. You must fight or fly. Sitting in statis prolongs this pain.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8675596
default

stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 10:59 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

They'll figure it out. They are all capable people that have dealt with problems before.

You 100% need to put your (oxygen) mask on first.

Absolutely. There is only time and energy right now to take care of YOU.

As you tick things off the list it will be less anxiety hanging over you. It is good to take the ring off because now you don't have to dread the day you take it off. You are doing good.

Could you get a hotel for the weekend? Maybe that would be good, stay busy this weekend and then sleep in a quiet, cool hotel and sleep in. Don't feel the stress of her in the house.

The dog will be ok. I know they are family. But once you get settled in the new place you can adopt a shelter dog and save a life!

Make a list of stuff you are looking forward to doing.

Window shop or online shop stuff for your new place. Envision the good parts. There will be good parts.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 5:00 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 807   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8675600
default

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:05 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I was just about to ask you how it goes.

It's normal to avoid things that remind you of her. That's why I said you could leave the dog to her and adopt another one.

Don't let yourself go. Eat, drink and sleep well. Do some exercise. If you have problems with these, consult a doctor.

About leaving job, you can tell your employer and friends what happened in your marriage, that you are going to get divorced, and that a change of job and city will do you good. In fact, if you had told them earlier, you could have gotten a great support that would have made you feel good.

Worrying about others shows how good of a person you are. The reason we're here is probably because we're that type of people too.

You just have to know that you shouldn't neglect yourself too much.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8675604
default

beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 11:45 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Stopped wearing my wedding ring.

It's a sign that you're moving on.

I dread being around my dog, knowing that I am going to lose him too.

This sucks but yeah, you have to do this for both your sake and your puppy's.


I can really see that you care too much about other's feelings and you forget taking care of yourself. You should focus more on yourself moving forward. It sucks moving from a job you're already accustomed with, with all those coworkers that you interact daily and have been with them for a while. It happens to all of us. At some point we get a better deal we can't pass. It sucks but it's a part of your career growth. Don't feel bad about leaving tasks to other people because it happens. We are all dispensable so same goes with moving from company to another.

Just continue not interacting with your STBXW. It will do you no good if you keep on seeing her. The shows that you both love watching together, you should put a pause on them. Part of you moving on. All that reminds you of her and gives you triggers, move away from those for now. You will heal faster especially once you've moved to your new place.

It's good that you care about others but take care of yourself first before you take care of others.

Again, all the best and good luck on your new journey!

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8675621
default

Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 12:41 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

I feel so bad knowing that people rely on me and that I'm leaving.

It's business. I understand how you feel, but you have to make the right decision for yourself. The sad part is, most companies will let you go if it is in THEIR best interest.

And especially in your current situation, I would expect that your boss and coworkers would be happy for you. It is for the best.

posts: 1516   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8675749
default

DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 12:50 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

They'll figure it out. They are all capable people that have dealt with problems before.

You 100% need to put your (oxygen) mask on first.

Some of the best advice ever. Everyone moves on in one way or another and everyone that remains gets up the next day and does what they need to do. It is not that you will not be missed, but you, as others, are really not as essential as we think. As This0is0Fine so well noted, almost everyone is reasonably capable and will deal with life, quickly, without any life changing hiccups.

Take care of you, and others will take care of themselves. You are the most important need right now.

posts: 1726   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8675750
default

KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 3:38 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

But I'm in the middle of a hugely busy trial week, alongside my boss, so don't feel like I can even broach the topic with her till Friday. No one here knows anything about my personal issues and the divorce. I feel so bad knowing that people rely on me and that I'm leaving. I am not sad about leaving the business, but more about leaving my coworkers, because I know they are going to get slammed having to pick up the slack of all the matters I am leaving behind.

Be prepared for much wailing and gnashing of teeth. They will try to offer more money to stay. They will say you're too crucial to ongoing case work to just disappear. They WILL want to know why. Don't be afraid to give them a (confidential) sanitized version of events-- on the "My wife and I are divorcing, and I wish to find a new location to start over in. I'm not going to find that space here if I stay".

They'll grumble but they will understand. This is business. People quite and get hired all the time. Everybody is replaceable, even you. Don't feel guilty about it. You have too much on your hands to stress over it. They'll survive.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8675777
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:51 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

What you are going through is common. I switched careers 3 times and jobs as well. YOU WILL BE FINE. Whenever I looked back I was so glad I switched.

As far as your stbxw. You haven’t realized how great getting out of her infidelity is going to be. Will you miss her lying, cheating, having sex with her boyfriend behind your back? Her horrific treatment of you?

Sorry man but you need to wake up. Dumping a cheater will get you a newer better life.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8675782
default

goalong ( member #57352) posted at 4:38 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Clinging attachment always lead to misery.

In youtube: ven. Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma's short talk on attachment and clinging

So far she had Plan B , that is you kind on pleading with her. Cheats need that to enjoy cheating. Now you have got out of it and she is alone with another cheater who may be a better looking smooth talker.

6 months down the line she might tell you what a big mistake she did, If it happens I hope you are strong enough to ignore her

Keep your head up, do your other things like job even better. Being productive in the face of adversity is sexy

If you think you are a loser and weak, because of what happened you are not. What matter is what you think of yourself and not what others think of you.

if I were you I would complain to their law firm just to light some fires

[This message edited by goalong at 11:42 AM, July 15th (Thursday)]

posts: 773   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8675801
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:07 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

You are being considerate of your co-workers and boss. Nothing wrong with that.

But it’s 2 weeks notice - time to get things in order before your last day. It’s up to your company to work that out.

And your employer woukd not give you notice if they were firing you. So you are doing the right thing and giving notice.

A better and brighter future awaits you!!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10556   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8675807
default

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 7:03 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

I’m going to give you the same piece of advice my husband gave me about a job that I wanted. I was so stressed out that I was falling apart but I felt so responsible for what I was doing. My husband sat me down and said if they found you dead in the doorway they would step over your still warm body hire someone else and move on. He said I deserved a job that wasn’t going to kill me. I gave notice and went to the job I wanted and never looked back. Go for it.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2911   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8675835
default

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 7:08 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

My husband sat me down and said if they found you dead in the doorway they would step over your still warm body hire someone else and move on.


This. If they can't suffer the loss of someone they aren't doing things correctly. We call it the someone hit by a bus redundancy. You owe it to them to give them as much notice as possible, but they will be ok. The sooner they know the sooner they can start making decisions based on you not being there. That might mean having someone else sit in on the current case. It might mean you polishing your documentation on your ongoing cases and passing them off instead of working that case.

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8675837
default

WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 7:36 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Would another comment be helpful on this?

Everyone in your position where you are now will be moving on themselves at some point or another. People will either be moving on to do something else with their careers and life, and people of course will retire. Companies get bought out, departments get re-organized.

You are correct and right to want to leave the right way. Give your 2-week notice and then do all you can in the ensuing time that you have done all you could to help your coworkers move forward. That easily covers your moral duty.

And yeah...you can stay in touch with your current coworkers. What do you think SM is for.

posts: 291   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8675843
default

annanew ( member #43693) posted at 7:46 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

You over-empathize and you have an over-developed guilt complex. Changing jobs is NORMAL. Feeling uncomfortable with big life transitions (of which you have many right now) is NORMAL. Feeling sad to leave a bunch of good coworkers is NORMAL. Feeling sorry for your company over your future absence is... extreme.

I have the same problem. I feel guilty going on vacation because I won't be here to help my single mom friend, I feel guilty doing things on my own while my mom doesn't have plans, and most extreme of all I feel so guilty about the idea of depriving my parents of the presence of their granddaughter that I live in the same friggin household when I don't want to.

I've got it worse than you do, so I get it. But you will need to address this in therapy at some point, as do I.

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2440   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8675847
default

Unrealized ( member #77151) posted at 7:48 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Maybe explain the situation to your work. I did and they were so supportive. I had days where I just was blank and they took the pressure right off.

A complete change of scenery is going to be fantastic for moving on, no shared memories, new places to go, new people etc.

As for the WW, she’s full of shit you will be better off without her. Ask yourself, was she perfect, probably not but she expected you to be. You have a good career in front of you, take the opportunity to move on.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2021
id 8675850
Topic is Sleeping.
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210924 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy