Remember in an earlier post when I warned you (as others have) that lying is her normal, that telling the truth would actually be unexpected of her at this time.
Here's another truism: cheaters, when confronted, minimize, bob-&-weave, do anything to dodge responsibility and avoid ownership of their choices. She's doing it to you, and you're falling for it. Thus, in your recent post you said:
She said all the I love yous they said were because he started them, and she just went with it. She also admitted it crossed her mind he may be using her because she was paying him for massages before they had sex. But she said she tried to ignore it.
Women generally don't say "I love you" casually to a man they're fucking. They say it for a reason, with an agenda. In particular, married women don't say "I love you" to a man who is not their husband, who they're fucking, unless they want love with him. "I love you" is not a game for a married woman. It's not a "wassup?!?".
In one of your first posts, you said:
Not only that, but he has been buying our kids gifts, and my wife is discussing having kids with him when he is ready.
their texts sre talking about how they love each other and about our kids, who he apparently buys gifts for. He also thanks her alot for helping get his massage business going.
Dude. Wake the fuck up. Your wife, a married woman with two children already, possibly by you, is fucking another man behind her husband's back, paying him for it (more on that below), for years, telling him "I love you", and talking about having (more) kids with him.
This isn't some silly game where your wife is getting a little comfort dick from a boy toy who massages her externally and then massages her tonsils and cervix. This was a relationship. Your wife was emotionally invested.
Part of the reason she may now seem desperate to not lose you is because she realizes that in one fell swoop she may lose her lover and her husband, both for the same reason. You're definitely her Plan B, but Plan B is all she's got at the present time. How long do you think she'll love and cherish, honor and obey you after the next Plan A comes along? Given her history and her proclivities, you know there will be another Plan A sooner or later.
By the way, zero in on this tidbit from your quote above: "thanks her alot for helping get his massage business going." What the heck? If she's buying an individual massage once every week or 2, that's not going to help get a massage business going. My spidey sense tells me there's an iceberg lurking beneath this tip. She's in the residential brokerage business, meaning she encounters a steady stream of new people with enough cheddar to buy a home. People who can generally also buy a massage. Either she's giving this dude a lot of extra money (which your accountant will figure out), or, more likely, she's aggressively promoting him to her customers, sending them his way. What this means is that she is emotionally invested in him, which is my point. She looks up to him. Fantasizes about him. Thinks about him when they're not together. Wants him to think about her. The emanations of limerent love are all there. She's minimizing them to you now. She's lying. It's wise to disbelieve the spew flowing from the lying rictus of a recently confronted WW.
As an aside, on the money tip, what exactly the fuck? Tens of thousands of dollars to malingering shirt-tail relatives and friends, to Mr. Good Dick, for frivolities, all intentionally kept secret from you. This is 100% diametrically opposite of how a married person handles money. This is the action of a person who does not want to be married. This alone is grounds to leave her.
But I digress. More to the point, this quote suggest that she has been investing emotional time and energy into the AP, even when she's with you. And yet here you are flaying yourself over the idea that you are the root cause of the marriage having emotional distance. Do you see the disconnect. You're ready to crawl around and piss yourself to create connection with your wife, while she's connecting to Mr. Goodhands.
This cannot be overemphasized: any emotional distance in your marriage was her fault. Look yourself in the mirror and repeat this back to yourself: "Any emotional distance in the marriage was her fault." You've always known she is lying to you about sex. Her Ex. Mr. Spanish Jamon. Your friends in high school. Etc. Your emotional withdrawal from her is the normal and natural response. Anybody would do it. It is not your responsibility to bend over and say "thank you, ma'am, may I have another" as she whacks your ass to "prove" your emotional investment in the marriage. It is her responsibility to not whack your ass.
Here's another lie: she now tells you that their trysts were mostly at his home, which is near enough to the motel that it tricked Google tracker. She's telling you this bullshit again to minimize the fact that her "massage fee" included extra for the motel room. In your first post, you were easily able to determine when she was at a hotel versus his crib:
She has been visiting hotels for sometimes 3 to 4 hours a day during work days. Some days she is at an address I found out is his house.
Which brings me to the "Plan B" thing. I normally don't believe in "Plan A/Plan B" dialectic, but in your case there is a pattern. She has known you since at least high school, when she was fucking your friends recreationally while keeping you in the wings. The very first thing she did to you when you started hooking up was to lie to you, about that. The very first thing. She's been lying and cheating ever since. If memory serves, you caught her cheating with her ex, otherwise you'd never know. She lied about dining on the Spanish Jamon. She has sexted and flirted and fucked clients. She's paying Mr. Goodhands and giving him FFM three-ways. Dude, she has never been honest with you since the day you first hooked up, and she has never treated you with respect. You're the "safe" guy (she knows this because she's known you since you were young) who will dutifully stay home and watch the kids, while she does her thing.
Is that really the marriage you want? Because brother that's the marriage you've got.
On a completely separate topic, when was the last time she took the kids, alone, and did something with/for them. A kid thing? Amusement park? Day at the river? Hiking? You've never once mentioned her interactions with the kids. It's like that facet of her doesn't exist. Has it been a month? Has she done it once in 2021? I ask these because in an earlier post you mentioned not wanting to share the kids 50/50. As a SAHD, with a wife who likes to chase dick the way she does, who has virtually zero history in terms of parenting the kids, you have decent shot at primary custody. Talk to your lawyer about this.
But I digress. Let's talk about the "love" thing. Specifically, let's unpack this whole trope you self-flagellate with about you being emotionally distant, which drives her to plop her cooch on other men's dicks. Eric the twee masseuse, what does he do? He listens to her and empathizes with her. He "gets" her. In exchange, she brings him NSA pussy, plus money. But what does Eric really invest besides pretending to care about her problems. Where is Eric when the real work of life needs to be done. Child care. Soothing her when she has a fever and is puking. Handling the drudgery of keeping a household operating with two young-uns.
Again. Dude. Wake the fuck up. Imagine you're a single young man and an attractive married woman is bringing you NSA pussy, plus money, a couple-few times a week, without ever asking a single thing from you. Are you going to feign patient empathy as she blathers on about her emotionally distant husband who is a dud in the sack (I'm not saying that to be mean -- I'd bet a lot of money she made comments to that effect during pillow talk with Eric)? Of course you are. Any man with a hard dick would. It's a small price to pay for some NSA pussy.
In fact, what I suggest is that you more than imagine that. Okay, you're facing the gut-wrenching fear all BH's face when looking reality in the eye and realizing that the path out of infidelity is divorce. Dividing the households and finance. The hustle of shared custody. The hassle and the horror. Waking up every day with no wife in the bed. I was there. I know exactly how it feels. This whole community is made up of men who were cheated on. We feel you like no other group will feel you. Everything we say to you, we say out of love for a fellow betrayed man.
Keep in mind that time is your only valuable asset here, and it is ineluctably passing you by. Every second you stay married to her is a second lost, forever, to a woman who has done nothing but lie to you and disrespect you since the day you first hooked up. One day, you're going to look yourself in the mirror and wonder why you gave her those seconds, those days, those weeks, months.
Divorce is not final. She will still be in your life, as a co-parent. If she feels like she still wants you, let her show up at your place once a week or so with some NSA pussy and some money (in your case, for childcare and the hotel). Remind her to bring along a girlfriend from time to time for a threesome. If she does that for a few years, while eschewing other men (in a way you can verify), while you date other women, maybe then you can believe that she actually wants to commit to you in a monogamous marriage. Right now, her actions have made it crystal clear that she lacks the capacity or desire to do so.
[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:35 AM, June 4th (Friday)]