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Wayward Side :
My husband constantly talks about the affair in front of my son

Topic is Sleeping.
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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 10:01 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

I would add a C, that DS starts to think it’s ok to treat Patty the same way and does so and it carries over into adulthood. It’s a cycle of abuse. Abused or witness abuse, can end up being an abuser.

Ok, maybe that’s really a bullet point under B. I do believe that the condescending way my son speaks to me at times is from watching dad do it for so many years.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1915   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8661901
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 12:55 AM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

Since posting this topic. My husband has apologized to me and my son for talking about the affair around him. That has made it so we can have relationship with my son without the arguing around him. My husband did respect what I have asked for and understands why it bothered me. I told him I have no problem talking about the affair when we are alone. I don't want to leave my husband because deep down if we can both work hard and reconcile with each other. I feel that our relationship can get through this together. I have learned to stick up for myself and not tolerate that kind of behavior. Also I make time to talk to my son and make sure he is okay through this difficult time. Thank you all for thoughts and advice. It really does help. I am continuing therapy. Which it does help me alot. I have a place to heal without being bashed all the time.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8662072
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gemini12 ( new member #78670) posted at 3:21 AM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

Patty,

I'm glad to hear things are going in the direction you want them to.

Reading your posts are painful and hopefully you and your BS find a way to communicate since you both want to mend your marriage.

Best of luck going forward.

posts: 47   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8662093
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MyAndI ( member #75422) posted at 8:55 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Patty,

Your BH's actions may be because he does not feel you are truly remorseful and truly want to R.

*Are you NC with the OM?

*What do you do with your actions on a daily basis to make him feel that he's truly the one you want to be with?

*Was your BH part of writing an NC letter to the OM.

*Have you kept some details out of your explanations to him to avoid backlash?

If he doesn't believe a word that comes out of your mouth or doubts your ability to tell the whole truth and commit to R, your battle to save the marriage will be extremely difficult.

*Also, does your BH tell his friends about the A, and does that bother you?

*do your families know?

I failed at R

Survived Infidelity as a BH, WW had a six-month EA/PA, then I had an affair of my own many years later that lasted three-years, never thought I'd ever cheat.

posts: 140   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8662864
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:38 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Your BH's actions may be because he does not feel you are truly remorseful and truly want to R.

...except he's been terribly abusive towards her, throughout their entire relationship. He is a member, and has admitted to it.

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8662890
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 4:16 AM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

My husband gets upset because he wants me to talk about the affair everyday and to apologize. I was writing letters to express how I felt. It did nothing when I apologize he tells me I should have thought about that before. I feel that I'm notgood enough. He won't let me heal he wants me to carry the shame everyday. He tells me I will always be a cheater and nothing will change that. I really do try to make steps into change and I still feel we are at square one. He thinks I blame him for the affair I don't. I am honest with him on why I was selfish. I finally have found a new job. It was hard because I had zero experience in that field. I have gave up social media, he has access to everything. I let him know about who I work with and call whenever he asks me to. At times I do get mad when he makes comments. We can have a good day but he will just tell me he wishes I was there for him all the time. I tell him I am sorry and that I will never make him feel that way but it's not good enough. I feel as though I hurt my husband to the point that he will never be able to reconcile with me. He continues to tell me no matter what I do it will never be enough. So that's why it's hard to apologize or talk about the affair. He doesn't get that he hurt me with his abuse and we can address it until he heals. I feel that he doesn't want to heal or that he can't heal. I have ruined it all by my choice. I have asked why does he want to stay with me and he doesn't know why.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8662947
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MyAndI ( member #75422) posted at 10:11 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

If you've been above board about the entirety of your A and are in earnest working towards R, you have the right to do the 180 in the face of abuse.

Give him his walking papers if he continues the abuse and shows no effort towards R. You are in your rights for you and the protection of your son.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 4:11 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

I failed at R

Survived Infidelity as a BH, WW had a six-month EA/PA, then I had an affair of my own many years later that lasted three-years, never thought I'd ever cheat.

posts: 140   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8663163
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Cromer ( member #62867) posted at 4:45 AM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

BH here. I'm happy to see that your BH apologized. Children should never be subjected to the drama of adults. Children are precious. But this thread is also a cautionary tale. Don't marry single mothers and get involved in their children's lives (unless they are widowed). It's a minefield on both sides and neither deserves the fallout.

[This message edited by Cromer at 11:08 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

Me: BH 55 Her: WW 57
DDx2, DS, all grown
D-Day 1: May 17 2017
D-Day 2: Mar 18 2018
ONSx1; Boss 6 Mos; Trainer 6 Mos
Cheated on while deployed, last A 11 yrs before D
Married 30 years, divorced Oct 17 2017
They're all mine!!!

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2018
id 8663281
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ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 3:55 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

But this thread is also a cautionary tale. Don't marry single mothers and get involved in their children's lives (unless they are widowed). It's a minefield on both sides and neither deserves the fallout.

How is this a thread a cautionary tale against marrying single mothers (and really, wouldn't it be parents, as statistically speaking, while rates are pretty close, men are slightly more likely to cheat than women)? Plenty of people share biological children with their spouse and still manage to cheat on them and hurt their shared children in the process.

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 1987   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8663455
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 4:06 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

But this thread is also a cautionary tale. Don't marry single mothers and get involved in their children's lives (unless they are widowed).

I'm not following. How would this situation be different if OP's ex was dead?

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2038   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8663466
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 7:30 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

It is so not ok. I am a BS and my boys know, but I have shared very little. It is not their problem.

Your husband is only hurting your son. It is cruel. He has enough to deal with.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8663549
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 9:18 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

It seems your BH has still a lot of emotions crammed up inside of him. You need to establish sessions with him to talk it out. You need to establish rules during the sessions on what you can discuss. Tell him that you're trying to help him heal but you also need his help to make it work.

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668637
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 12:12 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Your situation is sad and hard to see how things will work out in a positive manner. From what I can tell, the affair is relatively recent. Your husband will be broken for quite some time. He may never recover to a sufficient degree. He may have been somewhat abusive before the affair. He certainly seems that way now. If that is the case, I see a really tough road ahead for both of you. Affairs are terrible. Most affairs end in divorce for a good reason. If it is a deal-breaker, so be it. The both of you may reach that conclusion one day. Be prepared for that eventuality. Insist that your son be kept out of this mess. He must be protected from the fallout. Eventually, if things don't improve, the two of you will need to move on. That's life. All you can do is be honest and forthright for the rest of your life. Never cheat again, but you know that. If things don't improve in a reasonable time, a trial separation might be warranted. It might give your husband an opportunity to reset his feelings. Clearly, your husband needs counseling by a therapist versed in infidelity.

[This message edited by src9043 at 6:18 PM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

posts: 417   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8668993
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Tempocontour ( member #65971) posted at 6:24 PM on Saturday, July 3rd, 2021

You two should separate for a few days and let things simmer down. Staying together while both of you are hurting, it's not helping that you two are triggering each other. You two need space from each other.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8672209
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 12:56 AM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

My son is 11 and my husband thought it was okay to tell him about the affair. Instead of telling me about it because I went behind his back with the affair. I'm his mom and I would have wanted to sit down to talk to him not have my husband tell him or talk bad about me in front of him. Was it appropriate for my husband to talk to him before I did or at least we could have together? Things still aren't well between us and I have told him if he talks about the affair or talks bad about me in front of my son then I will leave.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8676888
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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 1:19 AM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

This is his stepson, correct? What was his reason for telling him? Was your son asking him questions?

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1915   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8676894
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 1:27 AM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

He said he should know and no my son had no idea until he told him

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8676897
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annanew ( member #43693) posted at 1:49 AM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

Sorry, your BS is an asshole. His actions might be forgivable in the long run, but I think your relationship with your son is more important than attempting to reconcile with someone who is apparently out to punish you by hurting your innocent son.

Leaving sounds like a pretty good option at this point.

Are you concerned for your safety at all?

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2440   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8676899
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 2:04 AM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

No I feel safe. My son is on vacation and things between us isn't getting any better. So I was letting him know that I don't want to fight or argue in front of him. My husband is giving me a year and by Dec if things don't change I will prolly move back with my parents. I just want my son to enjoy these last few months with my husband because I know they will definitely miss each other. I really thought we could work on this but things are still the same.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8676902
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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 12:39 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I admittedly did talk to my son because he was asking questions. This seems like more for your husband than your son though. Is he trying to turn your son against you?

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1915   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8676952
Topic is Sleeping.
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