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Serious medical complication, advice needed

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

WhoTheBleep posted 5/20/2021 13:23 PM

Hi everyone, I've been commenting on other threads here and there, but I haven't made my own post in quite some time.

DD12 revealed to me that STBX is battling cancer. He and I communicate very little. He is generally overly dramatic about every aspect of life, including a biopsy he went for a couple of months ago. Since then, I've heard nothing about it from him, except that he went out of state for a surgery and is undergoing "therapy." (He's had lots of orthopedic surgeries, so I assumed this was yet another one.) It seems I was mistaken because he had a mass removed from his lung. Which I guess means lung cancer?

All I have for medical information is Google, and based on what little info I have, this could be grim for STBX.

I felt a bit sick at first, then I cried driving into work the next day. I don't love him. I stopped loving him a long time ago. It was more just an emotional release because this feels so heavy. I'm thinking about my kids, and what this could mean for our lives and our future. A swirl of crazy emotions.

We have some serious court dates coming up in the next couple of months. I guess what I need advice/info on is twofold:

1. From SI medical peeps, what do you know about lung cancer? It seems that 8 out of 10 times it is found later stage and prognosis is poor. When caught early, it's 50/50. Does that seem accurate?

2. I've already notified my lawyer. Our divorce is supposed to be wrapping up later this year. What do I need to hammer down in writing in the divorce, keeping STBX's health in mind. Whether he is here and very ill, or if he is no longer here, what financial safeguards do you recommend for my kids and me?

The past year (pandemic, etc) has felt like the Twilight zone... And with this news, things just get weirder and weirder.

Getting way ahead of myself, in typical Bleep fashion, even though stbx is a douche, the prospect of raising my three kids alone is frightening. Am I even up to the task... As if I have a choice.

Thanks all.


[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:24 PM, May 20th (Thursday)]

Alonelyagain posted 5/20/2021 13:31 PM

With respect to your Q2, do you know the details of any life insurance policies that he may have? If you and/or the kids are named as beneficiaries, make sure that in the D agreement, he can’t decrease amounts or change beneficiaries.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/20/2021 13:37 PM

Right now his sister is the beneficiary of his entire estate. Including all life insurance policies. You know, because family never gets weird about money when someone dies... She'll give every penny to my kids, right? This is who he is.

Catwoman posted 5/20/2021 14:13 PM

The court can and should order that as long as he has a child support obligation (or perhaps even longer) he maintain a life insurance policy of X amount with YOU as the beneficiary. This is pretty standard.

It amps up the urgency with a potential terminal diagnosis. I would get your attorney clued in right away.

Cat

NorthernMSB posted 5/20/2021 15:28 PM

My mom caught her lung cancer too late. She did VERY aggressive radiation and chemo and was in a trial and it killed her almost to the day the timeframe the oncologist gave her at the start. 6 months and 5 days.

If he caught it too late, as said here previously make sure the financials and life insurance is where it needs to be. Even in my husband's case not married to his girlfriend, he had to maintain a life insurance policy that paid her the child support that would have been due until his daughter was 22.

Karmafan posted 5/23/2021 15:04 PM

I felt a bit sick at first, then I cried driving into work the next day. I don't love him. I stopped loving him a long time ago. It was more just an emotional release because this feels so heavy. I'm thinking about my kids, and what this could mean for our lives and our future. A swirl of crazy emotions.

Although I don’t have any practical suggestions for you, I just wanted to say I am really sorry you had those distressing news. Whilst the love for your XWH might be gone, he was still a big part of your life and is the father of your children. I would also feel very upset if something happened to my ex. Whilst I have no doubt that you’d cope amazingly even if he was gone, I really hope there’s a positive outcome to all of this. Keep us posted.

(((WhoTheBleep)))

barcher144 posted 5/24/2021 12:32 PM

(((Bleep)))

Getting way ahead of myself, in typical Bleep fashion, even though stbx is a douche, the prospect of raising my three kids alone is frightening. Am I even up to the task... As if I have a choice.

Yes, you can do this.

I don't have anything worthwhile to say as far as advice, but I'm thinking of you.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/24/2021 12:43 PM

Thanks, everyone. He officially told me, in an email yesterday, that he indeed has cancer. No other details. I broke gray rock to tell him that I am sorry and that I hope his prognosis is good.

It's been a weird week. Another "new beginning" relationship ended unexpectedly yesterday. It was only three and a half months, but it's still painful.

The next few months are going to be stressful and busy. Going to focus on my kids, my friends and family, and myself. Depending on stbx's prognosis, there might be some major changes coming. Like I said, he's generally very dramatic over minor things. And he is very shut down about this cancer. I suspect he knows this is the real deal and he is afraid. It's dramatic enough. He doesn't need to embellish or exaggerate or be overly emotional. As a fellow human, I have empathy for him and I am sorry.

Divorce moves forward as planned. I will not shift course about what I want/need. Solid financial security for my kids is the goal. This cancer will likely be considered work related, and will therefore carry a large settlement at some point. This on top of the large income stbx already earns.

I'll keep you posted.

Karmafan posted 5/24/2021 16:44 PM

It's been a weird week. Another "new beginning" relationship ended unexpectedly yesterday. It was only three and a half months, but it's still painful.

Oh no, what happened?

WhoTheBleep posted 5/24/2021 17:40 PM

Oh no, what happened
?

Only he knows for sure, but it was very sudden and he essentially said he didn't feel long-term potential. Based on other things he said, I suspect he's addicted to drama. And there wasn't any with us. It was smooth and easy... and he saw himself eventually getting bored.
Bullet dodged, I suppose.

I'll be taking a long break from dating. I don't have the time the energy or the stomach for it right now. Onward.

Karmafan posted 5/25/2021 06:56 AM

Only he knows for sure, but it was very sudden and he essentially said he didn't feel long-term potential.

So sorry to hear that WTB. You mentioned on other threads how hopeful you were for this relationship. I guess his being direct was a good thing in the end because he did not string you along and did not waste any more of your time. Especially given everything else you are having to deal with. But I know it hurts. Three and a half months is too long a time to come out of it unscathed

Regarding your STBXWH, I think you did the right thing offering him your sympathy but are also doing the right thing pressing on with the divorce and seeking a financial settlement that is right for you and your children.

The storm will pass WTB, and if anyone can weather it, you can!!

WhoTheBleep posted 5/25/2021 07:22 AM

I guess his being direct was a good thing in the end because he did not string you along and did not waste any more of your time.

100%. He did the right thing.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:23 AM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

barcher144 posted 5/25/2021 08:53 AM

Based on other things he said, I suspect he's addicted to drama. And there wasn't any with us. It was smooth and easy... and he saw himself eventually getting bored.

This guy sounds so utterly ridiculous and stupid when you describe it like that. Bullet dodged!

Simultaneously, this is something that I personally struggle with. In looking back at my dating history, I picked the women who treated me poorly and I dumped the women who treated me well. What a stupid I am!

(thank god for therapy... I'm doing better with this right now).

grubs posted 5/25/2021 12:21 PM

In looking back at my dating history, I picked the women who treated me poorly and I dumped the women who treated me well.

How does that compare to your parents relationship? Most times we model ours reelationships off of theirs in that our spouses personalities tend to mirror our opposite sex parent.

barcher144 posted 5/25/2021 12:26 PM

How does that compare to your parents relationship? Most times we model ours reelationships off of theirs in that our spouses personalities tend to mirror our opposite sex parent.

I apologize for turning this discussion into barcher144's therapy session, as led by grubs.

That said, you're spot on. My mother is verbally abusive and a narcissist whereas my father is soft-spoken and co-dependent.

grubs posted 5/25/2021 13:02 PM

I'm the one who T/j'd. Thought it right after I clicked post message. That's something we all do but don't realize it until it causes us heartache a time or two. It also another reason to D instead of R even with children to help break the cycle.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/25/2021 13:26 PM

I don't mind the thread jacks you guys. I like the natural flow of thoughts. I use all information to learn! And definitely barcher, I think that is exactly this guy's pattern. He really is a decent human being and I actually am sad for him. He deserves better. He just doesn't know it.

Phoenix1 posted 5/25/2021 14:27 PM

Sorry you're dealing with all this, Bleep.

Xhole is a medical drama queen of epic proportions, not to mention completely contradictory as well. He has an abdominal tumor that started before I kicked him out 8 years ago. It was actually physically visible at that time. But he is also anti-doctor about just about anything unless it involves a broken bone (always has been). He's a former paramedic as well, so go figure.

Anyway, he claims he went to a doctor early on when he noticed the lump getting bigger and said it was cancerous, but he was just going to let nature run its course. Whenever we talked, he tried to milk it for sympathy from me as much as possible. I didn't bite and finally told him to stop mentioning it since he doesn't plan to do anything about it. He was playing the "Since I don't know how much longer I will be around" game.

Fast forward to about a month ago. Ran into him at grocery store (ugh). We chatted for a few (mostly so I could politely let him know what a complete POS he was toward his dying mother and our DD). I asked about his "friend." He said it was still there and getting bigger, so much that he has to get pants four sizes bigger to fit around it. I couldn't resist and told him that I guess it wasn't nearly as aggressive as he was led to believe early on since he was still walking upright and wasn't dead yet. I was in full snark mode so it just rolled out. He chuckled, but said he still doesn't plan to do anything about it. Whatever. Not my problem.

Sucks about your relationship ending, but bullet dodged, indeed.

Keep on keepin' on, Bleep!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:31 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

Bigger posted 5/25/2021 15:02 PM

I can be a really pragmatic SOB so take this post that way…

Check with an attorney what effects your ex-husbands death might have on you and the divorce. Could you be burdened with any medical cost? Would you – as a wife – be entitled to any compensation, the possible settlement, life-insurance?
Could any possessions/assets of the marriage be forfeit to his debts?
Could you as the wife be responsible in any way regarding the above, with no benefits whatsoever?
What about your kids? He won’t be paying CS from the grave. Is there a way to formalize so his insurance/possible settlement/value of estate goes to the children? Maybe in a trust-fund?

What about treatment and end-of-life decisions? Is it clear whom he wants with him at the medical facilities in the end?

It’s a really cold talk, but frankly if your H has limited time then maybe you either want to speed the D along to be totally free from the oncoming drama, or if you will be burdended with it anyways then maybe draw out the divorce and rather be a widow.

If you can then look at this from a totally materialistic and pragmatic POV. I’m guessing the end-result will be that you should divorce, but I guess it depends heavily on his prognosis and what time he has left.

Chili posted 5/25/2021 16:15 PM

Hey Bleep:

Been wondering how you've been doing. Couple of blips in the bleep world I see...

Bigger beat me to it on the logistics front. Not long before Dday, assclown had also been diagnosed with cancer. I made sure I was off his medical power of attorney. The last thing I wanted in the middle of this was some kind of fight with his family. My lawyer and I also addressed some worst-case-scenario items. Protect yourself and your kiddos as necessary.

I think all of those emotions you are feeling are just plain human. I remember that too. You can feel sad at how life kicks people around. You can feel sad for your kids. You can be sad that he is probably still not emotionally healthy which means all of this will be more difficult for him.

But here's the thing for me - not saying it's the same for you...but I had been mad for so long. I was in self-protection mode forever. My grip was tight. When I could finally breathe a little bit and see assclown as semi-human, that's when it all kind of felt like a pressure valve being released.

The key here is that you are detached from him in a way that you are not absorbing all of his problems as your own. You are still over here and he is over there. Doesn't mean it's not going to be a little heavy and that you don't have to be on alert as to how all of this will affect the kidlets.

The break-up is stinky, but as always, there you are with grace and class.

You got all of this chica. I just know you'll figure it out as you go.

(P.S. You can be a kind and decent human being and a serious badass at the same time.)

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