Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife had emotional affair with old flame

Topic is Sleeping.
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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 6:03 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends have absolutely no place in a marriage at all. I feel so bad for you.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 12:04 PM, May 10th (Monday)]

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8658235
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 UseTaCould (original poster New Member #78773) posted at 7:48 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Faithfulman, to answer your questions, We have kids from other marriages none together. I would like to think im good with technology as I am an IT guy and have been for over 30 years. The whole polygraph thing never occurred to me but wouldnt know where to start at this point.

I appreciate the support and justification that everyone is giving me. I know im not crazy in thinking it was a serous affair. I did something that you all have recommended I reached out to the OM's wife. We will see if she responds. I told her I have proof in the chats and would be happy to send some to her. I am nervous about this sort of thing, they live all the way in FL and I am in CO but it still makes me nervous. Passion leads people to do dangerous things. Im watching my back.

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2021   ·   location: Colorado
id 8658266
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Like others mentioned, a 1.5 years is a long time and provides plenty of chances for POSOM to just hop on a plane, especially with these low fares due to the pandemic, so unless you read it on their texts don't assume this is an EA. At this point you don't even know if they're still communicating, place a VAR in her car under the seat with some velcro (plaY with it first and mute any sounds and put black tape over any light/screen), and again, this is a life altering event, so a polygraph is typically recommended for you to make a much better informed decision.

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8658295
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 10:02 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Congrats on reaching out to the OBS. I get your hesitancy when it comes to drama and overheated emotions, but you did the absolute right thing. She deserves to know the truth of her marriage.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2795   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8658301
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Passion leads people to do dangerous things. Im watching my back.

So can anger. Don't be violent angry, of course. Understand that you SHOULD be angry. Read up on the 180 and be a closed book with your wife.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8658305
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 10:31 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Depending on where you live a polygraph is +$400 and consists of 3-4 questions.

Polygraphs are often used in marriage situations where trust has been destroyed, the spouse has compromised themself and is not trustworthy, and the spouse destroyed evidence that would otherwise prove their innocence.

People with nothing to hide - hide nothing.

After the mess your wife created, she should jump at the chance to prove her innocence.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:32 PM, May 10th (Monday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8658311
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 12:21 AM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

There are probably quite a few reputable polygraph examiners in your area who do infidelity related polys. It's a growing cottage industry unfortunately. See if you can find a good betrayal trauma specialist in your area bc they can often recommend a polygraph examiner (sometimes they even include it in their practice as part of a required disclosure process for wayward spouses).

Also don't shy away from having her do a poly on the grounds of “well if I need to do that the marriage is already dead.” In fact this is about you getting the whole truth so you can understand what you're dealing with and so you can make an informed decision.

Also you might consider having your WW do a full STD panel. If no sex has occurred she should have no problem reassuring you with a simple series of tests, and it will drive home just how much trust has been broken. If, on the other hand, she balks, then you'll know what you're dealing with.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:28 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8658339
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 2:13 AM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

All the advice you have received seems great. The fact that your WW deleted texts, the length of the EA, and her savvy regarding deception demand a polygraph test. You can ask her if the EA was truly only 1 1/2 years, did it ever become physical, and have you ever had sex with someone else outside the marriage. Polygraphs are done all the time for the express purpose of getting to the bottom of affairs. I did one on my ex-WW 42 years ago. You can't begin to heal until you know the extent of the EA. Also, if it is possible to retrieve her deleted texts, do so. All her electronic devices must be available, with passwords, from this point forward. No more deletions. Make it clear to her that the marriage is in the balance and that she better cooperate and come clean. No trickle truthing. Good luck to you.

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
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chelsea9 ( Member #47515) posted at 11:58 AM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Ex partners are very dangerous, as I know to my cost, as is social media. Things can go from 0-60mph every easily.

I actually found out about my W's one year EA/PA a year after it had ended, thanks to FB messages.

The fact your W was so quick to close and delete things is obviously a concern as she's eradicating evidence. Physical distance may have stopped it becoming a PA. That's not a given but let's hope so.

You did absolutely the right thing by informing the OBS. She has the right to know, you have been nothing but truthful and nothing blows up the fantasy of an A like a good dose of reality. Your W may be really mad at you but she is wrong and you are right. In the murky world of As, this one is black and white.

If you haven't done it already, one thing I would make very clear to your W is that any further contact with the AP and you will file for D. Period. She may still be in affair fog and she needs to be absolutely aware of the consequences.

Good luck, I really hope you caught the EA before it could become a PA.

posts: 352   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: UK
id 8658419
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:09 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

One of the beauties of the method I suggest (even if I say so myself…) is that you let go of the outcome.

I am NOT suggesting you divorce. What I’m suggesting is that you simply accept the obvious: That while you wife is in an affair (active or inactive) or in affair mentality then there isn’t really much to save. There isn’t a rush – you don’t have to file and set yourself a deadline or anything like that. But you are steadily moving yourself out of infidelity.

It’s a bit like this:

You need to go on a trip by train to another city. You ask your wife if she wants to come along and she refuses. You pack your bag and ask her if she wants to come along and she refuses. You ask her to drop you off at the station and on the ride you ask her to come with you. She parks the car and follows you to the ticket-station where you offer to buy her a ticket. She refuses. She follows you to the platform where once again you offer her to come along. She refuses. You get on the train and in the door you tell her she can come along. She refuses. Train pulls out… leaving her behind.

This is where you are – your trip is to get out of infidelity and you do it one step at a time. For quite some time she CAN join you and if she does it’s on YOUR grounds. She can’t change the travel date or the destination.

So you stop monitoring her. You have told her she’s free to be with OM but not as your wife, and that until she convinces you otherwise you simply assume she’s selected the OM.

She’s free to be in contact with OM but not as your wife. If she wants the marriage she needs to convince you there is no contact.

It’s not your job to convince yourself there is NC. It’s her job to convince you.

Remember the requirement: A clear vocal request to remain your wife, followed through with actions. Part of those actions is total truth, accountability and openness. She tells you the affair is over -> she shows you her social media, her phone, her calendar, her phone-bill… whatever she can to convince you.

Another request is the truth. You need to know how they kept contact, how they communicated, did they meet and so on.

IMHO this beats you constantly monitoring her.

As things develop you can confirm the truth either by evaluating her answers to known facts, or by judging her inevitability with a polygraph. But frankly – that’s far down the line.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8658426
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 UseTaCould (original poster New Member #78773) posted at 12:44 AM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

Hi all and thank you again for all of the advice. I did hear back from the POSOM's W and it was strangely a short message basically saying "Sorry this has happened to us, its over between me and my H I wont put up with his cheating A**." I would have thought she would have asked for more info but OK, Im thinking she already knows hes a cheat and is cutting to the chase. Not sure and I dont care at this point, I did what I had to do and let her know.

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2021   ·   location: Colorado
id 8658666
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:17 AM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

I guess that POSOM is a serial cheater; this weariness of OBS can't be because of a single A.

If she is not very willing to continue communication, you can ask if she is aware of their A, if yes what she knows about it, if POSOM has other A's etc. I guess your WW will be upset to learn that she is not very special for him.

You may not tell your wife that you are communicating with OBS, if she comes and talks like she knows about it, it means that she is still communicating with POSOM.

By the way, this dinner thing; there might be no such dinner at all, perhaps they would go straight to a hotel. Did your WW tell you where they will go? If this was something planned, they should have made a reservation, and she should be able to answer some detailed questions without hesitation. Of course, it is possible that she has already worked on such questions.

And as you guessed it, I don't think she's given up to dinner (or something else) with him befor she got caught either.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8658687
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 3:02 AM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

Sorry this has happened to us, its over between me and my H I wont put up with his cheating A**."

That is an awfully short response for a message that triggered a life changing event. Maybe this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. But are you certain OM didn’t intercept your message?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8658699
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 UseTaCould (original poster New Member #78773) posted at 3:54 AM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

That is an awfully short response for a message that triggered a life changing event. Maybe this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. But are you certain OM didn’t intercept your message?

Actually that was my first impression that OM intercepted

posts: 11   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2021   ·   location: Colorado
id 8658706
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 5:10 AM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

Can you figure out where she works and call her there? Perhaps set up a time to talk when she isn’t in the office.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8658719
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 10:18 AM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

Hey brother,

If WW was going to have just a dinner with an ExBF, isn’t that a date?

Now the OM’s wife is kicking him out due to his past infidelity. So how can this be ok? Now he is separated will there be more dates?

Time to get to the bottom of this. Is there remorse from her?

Or just that she is going to miss a date or two?

Keep up the evidence gathering, I feel there is more.

Did she ever say why it was ok to sext this POS?

Just remind her that once she presses send on a message, photo etc she has lost all control of that.

Take care, exercise, eat well and remind her that she needs to help you get through this.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8658731
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:54 AM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

Take the OMW message at face value.

If you have had the speech with your wife where you let her know she’s free to do what she wants BUT NOT AS YOUR WIFE then your next step might be to let her know that OMW is kicking him out for repeated infidelities so if he’s really her BIG LUUUUUVVVE then now is the chance to go for it.

Like I said: She’s free to do what she wants. It’s not going to be some chains you place on her that keep her in the marriage. If you two survive as a couple then five years from now you don’t want to hear that she was forced to remain married.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8658734
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tikismom ( Member #60546) posted at 3:09 PM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

My WH had a PA/EA with an old flame. It picked up very quickly & was very intense. I am so glad you reached out to the OBS. Just remember, affairs can go underground very easy. I would not be surprised if this is the case with her. so many ways to be in touch..

Me: 39
Him: 43 (NPD)
DDay #1: Sept 2017; Lots of TT & DDays since. EA & PA with an EX. Last known contact with OW: end of December 2017.
Married 10 years, together 15 at time of dday. 2 very young children.
Status: Working daily toward R.

posts: 466   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2017
id 8658771
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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 8:43 PM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

Be on alert that now that OM has been cut loose by his wife, your wife might decide to leave you and go to be with him.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8658876
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 9:30 PM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

All I would add is that if Bigger, Faithfulman or BraveSirRobin tell you something on here, read it multiple times and believe them. These folks really know the mind of a cheater. They won't tell you what to do because they know only you can decide that, but their knowledge and advice is pure sterling.

All the best.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8658889
Topic is Sleeping.
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