SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My STBXWW has known for years that I checked out long ago. I guess when I look at it objectively, I cannot really blame her for being susceptible for another affair. However, I can blame her for making the same stupid decisions she made all those years ago to have an affair rather than coming to me and asking for a divorce and admitting she was not happy being married to me. Ultimately, I think we were never compatible... ever. I often think about how much responsibility for allowing this marriage to stay in a coma for fifteen years instead of just pulling the plug. I allowed myself to be steered against my conscience by others, and I will never allow that to happen again.

I don't think you should accept any responsibility. You didn't know back then what you know now. You didn't know that SI even existed (if it was even around at that time) and you faced intense pressure from all sides, family members no less, to reconcile.

Your soul was shattered, almost executed, and no one was there to properly help guide you out of pain. You were still with a person who, from my understanding, never really took any responsibility for betraying you, choosing instead to blameshift and offer weak excuses. You just had to ride it out until everything just became numb. Maybe you should have gotten into IC for your own sake but that had nothing to do with the state of your marriage. None of this falls on your shoulders.

Ask yourself this: If she had previously, intentionally, inflicted a physical injury on you which made you unable to be intimate with her, would you really accept responsibility if she cheated because, according to her, there was a lack of intimacy?

Best wishes for you going forward.

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 8:11 PM, Friday, September 3rd]

“I never wanted it to end this way you know."

No S**t. Yea that’s obvious.

She “wanted” to keep her reputation intact, while getting her tingles on the side. Like most cheaters.

Good bye and good riddance to her.

Sounds like her first affair was a deal breaker for you. Infidelity is a lifelong gift.
Under the circumstances you allowed yourself to be manipulated into staying.
R can mean rugsweep and not reconciliation.
Repeated infidelity is not uncommon here. IMO you’d have been better off divorcing upfront but you can’t change that. You can only move forward now.

Sounds like nostalgia is raising its head a bit. That’s all this is.
You’ll be fine longtime.

Everything still on track for her moving out?

Hang in there. You are doing just fine.

Newlifeisgreat:

She’s gone.

Sorry, my bad.

To Newlifeisgreat: I don't know the age of you or your ex-wife, but if she is of child bearing age, be very careful about these booty calls. Good luck to you. Go find a worthwhile woman and dump your ex-wife into the closest garbage can.

No booty calls. She wants nothing to do with me nor I her. I am sure she has been dating other guys for some weeks now. I have my options open. I have been schmoozing a lady with one of the companies I work with, so I 'll see where that road leads. I am more than ready to date again.

No booty calls.

She tried once but you didn't respond so it's no longer her option. She's also not a safe sexual partner since she's always with somebody else. You might get STDs from her. Better do it with a much safer partner than her. She can't keep one partner at a time.

I shared the house with my serial cheating now very ex-wife for 5 long months and counted down the days until the movers came and she left for good. One of the best days of my life! A soothing calm came over the house the moment the movers pulled out of the driveway.

I dated while she was still in the house. I just didn’t bring any girls home (young kids at home at the time, not because of her).

I told my son - then 14 - in bits. Sort of eased him into it. He’s 20 now and it all worked out well. Her dirty secrets were not mine to keep and anyway to this day I only know a fraction of the truth anyway. These sorts of secrets always come out and much better to come from me in a careful, gentle way.

Congrats and good luck!

I once saw the Ramones live in concert. Best band I ever heard in person. Keep rocking!

Me too! Twice! Once in NYC and once at U Maryland. I got spiked in the back in the mosh pit on that last one.

TWO: congratulations, man! Now is the happy ever after part! Don't get too hung up with her parting words. If she had really never meant for this to happen, she wouldn't have chosen exactly the path required to end things. More manipulation.

I still think this was an exit affair.

Live well, be happy, and stay in touch. You need to impart wisdom on the next cycle of the walking wounded!

Well as of September 17, 2021 I am a free man. I got my Divorce Decree in the mail today. I feel like a fifty ton weight has been lifted off my chest. Unfortunately, they sent my XW's decree to this address also, so I have to figure out a way to get it to her without having to see her face to face. I guess I'll just mail it to her parent's house.

Since my XW has moved out I have gone forward with some big plans to remodel my house now that she is no longer here to put a damper on my plans. Oh I have some great ideas!

TheWrongOne,

Congratulations! Now you can start to live your life.

Do you still plan to inform the OBS? She really deserves to know what is or has been going on...

Congratulations on your new life !, as mentioned above don't forget about OBS now that the ink is dry, it's the right thing to do. I also encourage you to stay with us if possible, that way you can help others and share your experience.

Congratulations! Glad you made it through to the other side. We'll done. I agree with the above. You should definitely tell the OBS now.

[This message edited by Unsure2019 at 10:22 PM, Monday, September 20th]

I second the request for you to stick around and pay it forward with new hurting people. Your experience and insights can be very valuable.

I also recommend you tell the OBS for humanitarian reasons.

Congratulations on your freedom. I remember when it was confirmed I was divorced. I thought I might be euphoric. I wasn't. Nor was I distraught. It was just another day. The final death knell of the false dream I had.

I'm pleased for you and how it's so positive. It was a long time coming with many working against you. Again, congratulations.

Congratulations! Glad you made it through to the other side. We'll done. I agree with the above. You should definitely tell the OBS now.

This is what I've been waiting for. I know you gathered lots of evidences of their affair. Let's see what happens next.

Yes I will mail the flash drive and a letter certified to the OBS at her company today. I'll let you know if anything erupts, which it probably will. As mean as this woman is she will probably come gunning for me LOL!

TheWrongOne,

You are doing the right thing. That said, the way you described the OBS I would not be surprised if it became a full blown shit show. Not sure why she would come after you, but I suggest you begin wearing a VAR for the next few weeks in case you're confronted by the OBS, OM, and/or your XW. Be safe.

Heya T.W.O. -

Stay strong buddy. I respect your strength and conviction. Do what is right for you!