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Feeling down today

AsUWish posted 4/20/2021 11:41 AM

I just needed to get this out there. I feel like Iím whining. But Iím literally sitting at work crying and trying to hide the fact that Iím crying.


I want to crawl into a hole and hide until all of this is over. Iím emotionally drained and am feeling the effects physically. Iím so Fíing tired all the time. I canít get myself motivated to do anything. My life feels chaotic and unstable. I cry constantly. I canít breathe most days because of anxiety usually brought on by STBXWH and my conversations where he usually tells me that I am being non-communicative, selfish, making a mistake, trying to screw him or something along this line. Or I will go home expecting this talk and get the living man I married who is concerned with me and my well being. Who tries to help me. Itís driving me crazy to not know which version Iím going to get.

I want to cry and scream today.

I want to run away and not deal with it anymore.

I feel like Iím failing miserably at life. As a mother. A person. A wife. A friend. (I know Iím not going to be his wife anymore after this. But I failed as a wife during my marriage)

I do not want to go home tonight. I do not want to face STBXH tonight. Everything I try to do is wrong in his eyes. And I donít feel like I can defend my choices to him and make him understand so why try. But then Iím accused of not communicating.

The thought of going home makes me cry.

I feel like Iím being childish by wanting to avoid things. But nothing has been easy and it wonít be. I know that. But Iím at the end of my rope today. Iím over it.

Maybe I need my anxiety/depression meds increased?

I wonít have another IC session till next week.

DanielJK posted 4/20/2021 12:36 PM

AsUWish

I'm with you. I know how it feels.

All I can do is offer this mere website post as support.

The saying here I try to remind myself of is...if you're going through hell, keep going.

Everything I try to do is wrong in his eyes. And I donít feel like I can defend my choices to him and make him understand so why try.

It sounds like he is like my STBXWW, always the victim...to poor, poor victim. Try to ignore that and know that you are doing the right thing. We both know that we can't continue to live like this and once it's over, we'll both be better off.

I have no motivation either, don't feel like doing much of anything. I try my best to focus at work (just spoke to my Dr. office to increase my meds, ugh). When I get home I will go for a walk, thank goodness the weather is getting better.

Try to force yourself to do something, then try to do more tomorrow. Don't forget to eat and drink well.

And you didn't fail at anything. Stop thinking like that. Try to focus on the future, a better future. Focus on you and work on being the best you can.

crazyblindsided posted 4/20/2021 12:48 PM

Can you just walk away or leave the house when he starts in on you? That's what I did when I was in house separated. I know any interaction with my STBX had me running for the hills or down the rabbit hole.

AsUWish posted 4/20/2021 13:46 PM

I can. And I have. But when I leave he starts bombarding me with texts. Mean vindictive hateful texts. One after another. Last time I left he told me I "left him to take care of the kids and clean up the emotional mess I left behind. Because thatís what Iím good at leaving."

And of course if I leave Iím leaving my children home with him and feel guilty like Iím abandoning them.

If I leave to just go sit in my room he follows and either walks in or stands outside the door-when I lock it- and continues to tear in to me.

crazyblindsided posted 4/20/2021 17:28 PM

Yeah that is tough. I understand not wanting to leave the kids to get out for a few and that he is using that to blame you. Sounds like my narcissistic ex

Try to gray rock as much as you can. Just stare at him and not respond and be as boring as you possibly can. Also JADE do not justify, argue, defend or explain yourself to him. He is looking for ANY response from you and to see that he has rattled you. It's sick and manipulative.

BeenHereBefore posted 4/20/2021 21:06 PM

Know that you are not alone, that there are (unfortunately) all of us who come to this site for support and understanding. That what you shared was heard and felt by others. Take care.

AsUWish posted 4/20/2021 22:01 PM

Thank all of you who took the time to reply. You helped me through this day. Itís been awful. Probably the worst since d day when he didnít know I knew and I was gathering info and evidence.

Iíll try to start walking again. I used to love my 1-2 hour walks every evening. Maybe I need to start with a 20-30 minute walk and go from there.

Iím going to work on JADE and look into what grey rock really entails. Iíve read about it. And understand it kind of.

Shehawk posted 4/22/2021 13:40 PM

I was blessed that my husband abandoned me. In hindsite.

Being around him kept me from healing and I feel better each day I am gone from his presence.

I experienced intense pain. I did things to cope like music, exercise, remembering to breathe, prayer, reaching out to this group, educating myself, counseling with a therapist who was not a victim blamed (way too little of this because of $$ and covid and need more).

Sending wishes for peace and healing

barcher144 posted 4/22/2021 13:46 PM

Maybe I need my anxiety/depression meds increased?

I'm a doctor. You clearly need a husbandectomy.

Which is why you are in this forum, of course.

STBXWH and my conversations where he usually tells me that I am being non-communicative, selfish, making a mistake, trying to screw him or something along this line.

There seems to be a common trait among men where they view all marital possessions as theirs. My GF is finally getting around to her divorce (they've been separated for more than 5 years!) and her ex is saying the same crap.

He said last night that he has bent and bent and bent. The problem is... he hasn't. He is getting their marital home, which has substantial equity in it. It's as if he has blinders to that fact... and so he is bitter that she is getting more than half of everything else.

It goes deeper than that even. He now wants to have their kids only Tuesday evenings during the week. Meaning, she has the kids every Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday... plus every-other Friday/Saturday. Yet, he still wants to claim this is 50/50 custody.

I don't know... there's a lot of delusion out there.

Bonetired posted 4/23/2021 05:26 AM

I am so sorry you are in this place.It's rough.The relationship I had where I experienced what you are is long past.I know it well though.Narcissistic and entitled people do these things.They project.Take a narrative of the truth and paint a picture according to what best suits them.It's difficult when there are kids involved.I eventually after my son turned 18 I finally had the liberty of being able to hang up on my ex when he would begin his abusive tirade.

[This message edited by Bonetired at 5:54 AM, April 24th (Saturday)]

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