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Just One Day...

Pages: 1 · 2

MyAndI posted 4/19/2021 10:16 AM

Dinner, a movie, a drive in the country, good sex and talking about our future and preparing for the good life.

BluerThanBlue posted 4/19/2021 12:48 PM

If you're sick of talking about the affair and OW, then stop talking about the affair and OW. Instead...

LISTEN!

Don't respond with frustration or exasperation. Don't defend yourself. Don't correct her if you disagree with her interpretation of events. If she wants you to respond, show that you understand what she's feeling by repeating back to her what she's said in your own words. Don't wait for her to bring the subject up; proactively ask her how she's feeling and then...

LISTEN!

I think it's also important to remind you that you've only been completely no contact with your AP for about a week... and during this past week, you were so fed up with your wife that you were seriously considering divorcing her.

And yet... you bemoan the fact that she's currently focused on the immediate crisis in your marriage instead of musing about and making plans for the future.

Imagine that you burnt down your house. Your wife keeps going back to the still-smoking rubble to mourn what she's lost.

To this you say, "Well it sucks that I did this and I'm really sorry. But can you please just forget about everything destroyed in this fire and talk about the awesome new beach house we can get instead? Oh, you're worried I'll burn down that one, too? I can't believe you think I would do such a thing."

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:04 PM, April 19th (Monday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 4/20/2021 06:11 AM

That sounds like a lovely day, and I get why you want it, but you're not describing a single day's respite. You want to spend that "one day" defining the nature of all the days to come. I suspect that if you had that day, and then your wife said on Monday, "Ok, that was great. Now let's talk more about AP and how it all started," it would be even worse, because you bought so completely into the fantasy that you wouldn't have to do that anymore.

I know how hard it is to think things are going well and then have the exhausting work rear its ugly head again. It's not an unusual reality, though. Recovery is chronic. There can be flare-ups and outbreaks. It's ok to feel demoralized, frustrated, and scared that it will never change. But MyAndI, you and your wife have had some really nice years together since the last period of intensive work. You can get through this phase together, like you did before. Just not in one day.

Chaos posted 4/20/2021 06:17 AM

I suspect that if you had that day, and then your wife said on Monday, "Ok, that was great. Now let's talk more about AP and how it all started," it would be even worse, because you bought so completely into the fantasy that you wouldn't have to do that anymore.

I came here to chime in with something very similar. I wouldn't have said it as well [or as succinctly] as BSR did. These are wise words. Please read them repeatedly.

FightingBack posted 4/20/2021 07:43 AM

We donít talk about the LTA anymore. I may reference it occasionally but the days of those long, difficult discussions are gone.
I miss them. As someone mentioned, the A that destroyed our M is part of our shared history and it is very much a part of us. When we had those discussions, the short ones and the ones that lasted hours, I felt closer to my H than I ever had.
He had lived a double life for so long that talking about it helped me get to know him again, to understand the disconnection that had grown between us and it helped me insert the reality of the A into my own recollections of our marriage. Yes, it was painful for both of us, but I believe it brought us closer. My H would always say that he felt better having talked about ďitĒ.

Now we talk about our kids and grandchildren, work, the house, blah blah blah. We donít talk about our feelings.
He is quite content with that. Do I think about his LTA? Every single day, multiple times a day. And I feel resentful that he doesnít want to share that with me. The disconnect and the emotional distance has grown again. It is very lonely.

Evertrying posted 4/21/2021 11:28 AM

BE here.

We NEVER talk about it anymore. Dday was 9/1/2017 and for the first year IT WAS PURE HELL. It consumed both our lives while we worked through the shit storm and it was awful.

We are healed and reconciled now though I still have massive HATRED for his AP, but I am convinced that will never fade away. But our new marriage is much better and we learned so much from the hell we went through.

The A has no impact or meaning in our lives now. It happened, we faced it, fixed it and moved on. No need to keep dragging that gigantic ball of SHIT around for no reason. Now if I could just learn to forgive his AP,,,,,

3yrsout posted 4/21/2021 17:32 PM

My WH might think these things, but Iím pretty sure he knows not to say it to me. We are eight years out now.

Because I know some ways I could stop talking to him about his affairs.

I find speaking with an attorney to be a great distraction. Seriously, if I even saw him post this, heíd be hearing from one.

Do you actually want your BS to stop talking about this with you? If you do, you should consider divorce. Itís ok, and it would be way easier in the end. Think of it as the momentary discomfort of amputation of a limb with frostbite. It will end the throbbing pain. For good.

Unhinged posted 4/22/2021 09:35 AM

Dinner, a movie, a drive in the country, good sex and talking about our future and preparing for the good life.
That sounds like a wonderful day indeed, brother. Now, what do you think it's going to take to get you and your wife to such a day?

MyAndI posted 4/22/2021 14:54 PM

we had a moment yesterday that gave me little hope. Our chocolate lab, Charlie, got in the neighbor's trash again. Our neighbor is a nice old man and kind of a prankster, and when Charlie came home yesterday he arrived with a chiquita banana sticker on his forehead - strategically placed there by the neighbor - his way of reminding us that Charlie still has an affinity for his trash. We cracked up and had a good laugh, my wife smiled and gave me a that look she used to give me way back when. She really is beautiful, I wanted to ravage her right then!

She found a new MC, some ancient white haired man, I think that took some anxiety off of her.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 2:58 PM, April 22nd (Thursday)]

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