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Day 3 since found out - absolutely crushed, can't eat or sleep

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Smillie posted 4/11/2021 04:50 AM

The chances are the affair is far from over. The messages in the screenshot she sent you were likely to have been staged by them both. She might be getting friends/family to lie about her location. You said that you know she wasn't with him on this visit. Could you explain how you know this because I find it highly unlikely?

I think you should speak to a lawyer as soon as possible. Try not to engage with her in any conversation other than about the kids. If you get pulled into the maze of "why" then she will just have you chasing your tail. What's done is done. You have to move on.

[This message edited by Smillie at 4:51 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

Username123 posted 4/11/2021 04:50 AM


Don't make any decisions for a long long long time. Do the hard 180. Only talk to her about money and kids. Spend the next year learning about infidelity. Read the book "Book: Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to the Victim".

Don't fall for the Affair Recovery Industrial Complex.

jujuchrist posted 4/11/2021 05:37 AM

There is something that seems not logical in this story.
You say that your wife was a dedicated person in her marriage.
She met this guy four weeks ago, which is a very short time.
4 weeks later, she finds any excuse to go see him, sends him explicitly sexual emails, etc. That is like she didn't even try to resist a little to protect her marriage. And the first thing she says when you discover it is that she doesn't understand the lack of interest from the AP.

This doesn't sound like the story of a committed person who resists this story as best as she can before she snaps. She jumped in with both feet right away.
It sounds more like she was the one who came on to him, not him who approached her. Her sister did not even try to convince her it was a bad thing and she covered her.. For a 4 weeks story? Wtf! There is probably an element you do not know. Maybe they knew each other before?
If that's the case, are you sure she was that dedicated? Did she know this guy before?

(sorry for imperfect English, it's not my mother language)

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 5:41 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

Marz posted 4/11/2021 06:05 AM

Don't make any decisions for a long long long time.

If you want to live in limbo.

Marz posted 4/11/2021 06:08 AM

The hardest thing to accept is that she is no longer the woman I married. Not even the woman I knew 4 weeks ago. She's shown who she truly is, which is someone who does not care about me.

This was a friend of mines hardest struggle. The realization that his wife was just a typical cheater. Nothing special.

Sorry youíre here.

annb posted 4/11/2021 06:19 AM

Good morning, I am glad you did not send her the letter.

Your wife is not the person you thought right now and rational thinking is the furthest from her mind.

I'd be cautious about the "text" ending it with the other man. The husband of my husband's affair partner found out about the affair, confronted both of them, they ended it, blah, blah, blah, nope the affair then took a turn from an emotional affair to a physical one. Your wife's text could have very well been a set up, always remember cheaters lie and lie and deny. Just be vigilant.

In the meantime, you need to take care of yourself as best as possible because your children need one stable parent who has their best interests at heart. If possible, get out of your environment into the fresh air. It will be good for your mental health, and I'm sure your children would enjoy some sunshine with dad.

Has her father been in contact with you since you exposed the affair?

Just one day at a time, one hour at a time, a great article at the top of this forum is called the Tactical Primer. Spot on.

Jambomo posted 4/11/2021 06:21 AM

The best communication at this point is actions.

What are her actions? she gets caught and rather than trying to be with you and working things out, she runs back to her home town where the damn OM is, and thinks thatís ok? I certainly wouldnít believe she isnít seeing him whilst sheís there, she can easily lie to others as she has lied to you.

What are your actions going to be? I would suggest meeting the lawyer and getting a divorce in progress. She already stepped all over the boundaries you had so itís time to put the ultimatum into practice. Divorce can be stopped if she shows enough to give reconciliation a shot but right now, she isnít looking like a candidate.

The1stWife posted 4/11/2021 06:52 AM

A good rule of thumb is ignore the cheaters words but believe their actions.

The cheaterís actions will show you exactly what they are thinking.

As an example the cheater sends a no contact letter to appease the betrayed spouse, yet the affair continues. They may stop using texts (if they can be traced or verified by cell phone bills) and move to an app to communicate. The betrayed spouse may have no proof of communication and honestly believe the affair has ended.

So only trust what you can verify right now.

Freeme posted 4/11/2021 07:09 AM

Please talk to a lawyer. I"m not saying get a divorce. I'm not saying there is no way to fix this. I'm not saying give up on the marriage. What I'm saying is know your rights. Find out what divorce looks like. Find out what you should be doing now to insure the best outcome for if it does come to that.

I don't know what the ages of your kids are but I doubt the courts are going to allow her to uproot them to move to the country...when they have spent their whole lives in this house, school community. Your WW is basically giving up her kids and family "to live in the country." That's bonkers!

I do think you are being easy on her. She thinks this is a mini vacation home to see what it's like living out her fantisy and she can stay on vacation for as long as she wants. I don't think she sees this as a punishment.

How can you make her take this more seriously?
- Do a hard 180.
- keep all messages to kids and finance.
- when she calls but the kids on the phone directly.
-Expose her affair to others at home so they keep an eye on her.
- Do you know if OM is married?
-talk to a lawyer

I'd talk to her about cutting off her finances. This isn't a vacation. If she want's to live in the country alone she should figure out how to support herself.

her text about missing the kids wanting to cuddle was fishing. She's cake eating. She wants to keep you on the line while she continues to do what she wants. It's best to completely ignore these types of text. If she asks about the kids you can tell her they are fine that you are taking good care of them.

Keep your text unemotional, to the point, short and only answer the questions she asks that are kid or finance related.

DanielJK posted 4/11/2021 07:57 AM

No more messages to her, please stop.

It will not work.

Move forward as if you are divorcing. If she comes back to you, then stop the divorce.

If she does not come back to you, then you will thank us all that you started the process. Living in limbo is absolute hell. Ask me how I know.

I know you want to text her. Every fiber of your being wants to send that message. It's the exact opposite of what you should do. Please trust the people here, they know what they are talking about and how to deal with this.

Her flippant response to you about a timeline is maddening. Don't let her play that game with you by sending another message. Just act. Serve her with divorce papers and stop talking. If she wants the marriage she will fight for it. If she doesn't then you have your answer.

I just don't see how you can go wrong by serving divorce papers. Tell me why serving divorce papers is a bad idea. It hurts her feelings? It may drive her away? These arguments don't work...she crushed you and is already gone...think about it. Where is she right now? How could divorce papers drive her any further away.

GoldenR posted 4/11/2021 08:04 AM

Don't make any decisions for a long long long time.

Bc that strategy has worked out so well for you, right?

HellFire posted 4/11/2021 08:25 AM

I hate it when BS believe some magical mist has descended upon their WS,and changed them. No. Just no. She is not in some fog. She knows exactly what she is doing.

No woman ever fucked another man,because she wanted to move to the country. That is up there as one of the all time stupidest reasons waywards give for having an affair. Right there with their wife putting too much cheese in the lasagna, and I don't like corn on the cob.

No more letters. Tell her to decide,now, it's over. Yes it forces her to decide. So what if she feels pressure. Fuck that. You are her husband not an option.

I don't believe for one second that the message she sent OM is real. She talked to him prior to sending it. It's an "I have to send this to you, so my husband stops being abusive towards me,but its not really over" message.

IF she comes back, and IF you want to attempt reconciliation, there are things she will have to do..

Full NC.

Std tests

Full transparency. You get full access to everything, all accounts, her phone, passwords included.

She answers all of your questions.

No anger or defensiveness.

She throws away everything she wore when she was with OM.

She becomes proactive in healing the damage she has done.

She takes full responsibility for the affair.

And anything else you want.

Reconciliation is hard. It takes YEARS. And,really, is a moot point, unless she becomes remorseful. Not regretful..remorseful.

You mentioned you think people are making assumptions. No. New BS think their situation, their cheater is unique. They're not. Cheaters are all alike. Seriously. So much so, we joke about there being a cheaters handbook.

The BH who have the most success when it comes to reconciliation..if that's what you want..are assertive. They make hard and fast decisions. They don't allow one more minute of disrespect. They respect themselves, and demand it in return. They don't do the pick me dance. They don't try to nice her back. They refuse to tolerate abuse. And an affair is abuse.

I believe she was with him last night. I also think it's naive to think if you tell her to live there for a few months, then maybe come home, she will not only be trying out the country,but also this OM, or another one. The offer makes you look weak.

I also don't think the OM is interested in her anymore. He got what he wanted from her. Also, he didn't take advantage of her. She wasn't some drunk married woman. As you mentioned. Was she drunk the entire time, while sending messages to him? No. She was a fully active member in this affair. It does you no good to think otherwise.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:55 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

GoldenR posted 4/11/2021 08:28 AM

Hellfire with the home run!

As far as last night... just bc she didn't drive 4 hrs to him, doesn't mean he didn't drive 4 hrs to her.

DIFM posted 4/11/2021 08:50 AM

I support all that hellfire posted. I also support ghosting her and stop with the messages that, between the lines says, I am thinking of you and wish you were here.

Understand, nothing in you M or anything related to the city or country have anything at all to do with her cheating. Cheating is a character flaw. It does not emanate from external factors. It lives and breaths and materializes from an inner brokenness. Your wife is unsafe as a partner as she has demonstrated that her boundaries stretch very far and encompass behaviors that are destructive to you. She is not safe. It is not your M or where she lives, it is within her, without regards to you or towns or things or people.

Her cheating had nothing to do with anything other than her internal broken, unsafe, vague boundaries. That is who you are dealing with. Changing one's internal construct of boundaries and mindset is not impossible......but almost impossible, and takes years of dealing with their unsafe, broken views and defensive reactions waiting for the possibility.

Be strong. It is very early for you. Your WW has made no bones about being very clear as to what and who you are now dealing with, no matter what decision you make. You are not dealing with you you thought she was. You are face to face with who she is. In all her unsafe, dishonest, disloyal reality.

After you write a text or email, don't send, leave it alone, come back, and reconsider the value of edits. And, as others have noted, never be ambiguous and never say what you will not enforce.

Anna123 posted 4/11/2021 09:11 AM

I am glad you didn't send the letter. I think a bunch of us BS's have those. Over time the odds are you will realize she would never have comprehended it anyway, and doesn't care at the level you do. I hope that is not the case but she has all the appearances of being the type of person that is a 'cheater' whether there is currently an OM or not.

I also strongly feel that they should have a say in where their preferred base residence is.

Asking the kids this puts them on the spot. It will be an adult and legal decision. They just need to know they are loved, cared for, and this is not their fault.

Also, if the time eventually comes, be careful of feeling a need to present this as a 'team' to the kids. This was not simply Mom and Dad not getting along. This was Mom making a choice that ended the marriage. It will eat at you for the rest of your life if you attempt to keep it hidden from them, and they will resent not knowing the truth of their family. I agree on only saying good things about Mom though. The facts, age appropriate, are just facts.

You can deal with this down the road after you observe her actions in the coming days, while you move on protecting yourself and children legally just in case. You can always R while still protecting yourself.

So sorry you are here. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 10:43 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

Stevesn posted 4/11/2021 09:14 AM


So sorry you are here.

The hardest thing for a betrayed spouse (BS) to come to terms with is how quickly a marriage can be destroyed. Infidelity ends a marriage, *snap*, just like that, immediately. The old relationship is gone. You may eventually choose to stay together, but it will be a whole new relationship that will be required to be built if you do.

In some ways, you no longer have a marriage. On paper you do. But she just gave away most of the major tenets of your relationship that she vowed to protect on your wedding day. Those vows have meaning. They are the foundation of a marriage, and she just casually gave them away to a man I am assuming she met at a wedding 4 weeks ago.

So there is no path here where she just walks back in the door and says ďIím back, I pick you, letís get back to being husband and wifeĒ. It doesnít work that way. She has to work on herself and why she was able to do this, FOR YEARS. she absolutely would have to purge this man from her heart as well. For 4 weeks heís played the role of her love life, not you.

And she has to do ALL OF THIS of her own free will, not due to any threats by you or her family. Thatís really difficult for her to make happen. She has to become self aware of the destruction she just brought down on her family, become empathetic of the pain she caused you, and realize that itís a long long road to get back to a point where she ever can be trusted with your heart again.

So for a BS like you, the faster you come to realize there is no reset button that which Can immediately reverse what she has done, the better. Sure there is a chance that you can reconcile and have a happy life again with her, but that is impossible with whom she is being right now. And you canít change her or make her want to start the process to make that change.

So what can you do? Your long letter had the right sentiment. But I wouldnít lay it all out to her like that just yet. Itís too many steps too quickly.

What you need to do, as you have come to realize, is be simple, firm and consistent in your stance.

ďYour choices have destroyed our marriage. You gave away some of the foundations of our relationship. Iím not interested in a life with someone whoís heart is somewhere else. Go find your way and I will start the process to legally end the relationship your actions have already destroyed ď

Thatís it. Keep it simple and keep saying the same things. Donít deviate.

It will take a while for her to process it, and come to acceptance of what she has done.

If she ever gets to that point there can be a discussion down the road about what she can do to start rebuilding and help you heal. But sheís not ready for that and may never be. She may still choose this new life in the country with this mysterious man. So no need to waste your time right now on details.

If anything I would start telling her when you expect her home to take care of the kids. You are not a baby sitter that is always available to enable her fuck fests with mister right. So send her a schedule that you want. Your message to get home to her children was good.

She needs to prove to you that the other man is out of her heart. And not just because HE LOST INTEREST. That will take a long time to prove. Months, years, or it many just be impossible for her to prove. We will see.

One last thing, and I think it needs to be made clear at some point. You may have been willing before this event to have discussions about how you could work a plan to eventually move to her small country town. But her actions, her decision to bring a third party into your relationship, has ended that dream for her as long as that man not only lives in that place, but has any ties to it even if he leaves.

If she does the long hard work to get back into your good graces and build something new together with you, you may discuss leaving the city someday, but it damn sure wonít be to any place that still has the piece of shit other man (POSOM) that was her co conspirator in destroying her marriage. And if at some point she comes back with all the right words and actions, that is something you will have to make clear and she is going to have to accept and willingly agree with if she wants a life with you again.

I wish you well. Keep posting. Youíve started a long and difficult journey one way or another, but many hear have traveled it and found happy at the end.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:17 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

Mene posted 4/11/2021 09:43 AM

Your in-laws are not your friend. If you decide to move on, watch how they will turn on you.

And why on earth did she go back to the scene of the crime?

And sheís probably known this dude for some time.

You need to find out who he is. And expose him to all.

Your wife is in the fog. Deep in the fog.

And please donít send her any letters pleading. It makes you look weak and the AP more appealing. Stand firm. Donít be intimidated.

Youíll get through this. You will go through a difficult period but it will be over.

Read the advice here. Collectively, thereís hundreds and hundreds of years of experience with infidelity. Take note of what people here are telling you.

Underserving posted 4/11/2021 09:44 AM

I just wanted to say how sorry I am you are here, and for what your WW has done to you.

Iíve learned I donít really have much advice to give new betrayeds. Idk if I ever will.

What I do know, is how absolutely awful it feels when your world gets turned upside down. How desperate you are for everything to go back to ďnormal.Ē It takes more than a few days, few weeks, or even a few months to really accept that your life will never be what it was before the A. Again, Iím so sorry you are having to experience this.

Just know thereís an other side. The pain lessens. There will come a day you will think of other things besides what has been done to you. It takes a long time, but it will happen.

Wishing you strength and healing.

Sanibelredfish posted 4/11/2021 09:52 AM

Decaynus, sorry you had a reason to seek out this site, but glad you found it. Youíve received a lot of good advice already, and seem to be taking on-board what you need to successfully exit infidelity. In particular, I think you should read and re-read Stevesnís most recent post until you fully understand and embrace each and every part of it. It is chocked full of great advice. Good luck to you!

Dignitas posted 4/11/2021 10:02 AM

It has been a bit surprising for me that I have not yet had any groveling for forgiveness.

Why? She has absolutely 0 respect for you. If she gave a shit about you or her family, sheíd be there right now groveling. Instead, as of your last post I guarantee sheís with the AP, who she has absolutely NOT actually ended things with.

Your wife is a delusional strumpet who betrayed her entire family in the worst possible way for a country bumpkin who will cast her aside as soon as heís bored with her. She has debased herself so fully, that staying with her will debase you by proxy.

Ironically, sheíll be even more ruthless and reckless if you stay with her, because sheíll respect you and value you even less than she already does. Take a page from her dadís book and get the D train rolling. Put yourself in the f***ing driverís seat for the sake of yourself and your children (who she also seems to value below her AP right now).

Get. F***ing. Angry. Not uncontrolled rage, but a quiet, simmering indignance that will see you through this and protect your self respect. If you canít get angry on behalf of yourself, get angry on behalf of your children, who she is literally putting through the same bullshit that her mother put her through.

[This message edited by Dignitas at 10:08 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

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