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Husband away, do I text him

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 Emotionalhell (original poster member #39902) posted at 2:45 AM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

My WH is away for a few days for continuing Ed. I’m ok with it. Even though it triggers me some.. the questions is do I text him goodnight or do I just give him no attention and if he ask why I didn’t text, I will just tell him I wanted to give him space.

I don’t know why this is a dilemma for me. Maybe bc I don’t want to seem needy. Infidelity makes you question whether or not you should do things. Ugh!

Me BS x2. 50Divorced WH #1Currently in limbo (with wayward #2)Dday #1 Oct. 2014Dday # 2 August 2018

posts: 1736   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2013
id 8648757
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 3:00 AM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

It is quite reasonable and normal for a loving spouse to text the other spouse good night when one of them is away from home. Are you concerned that you might not get a reply and thus cause your wheels to start turning in your head? That's understandable. But, in order to heal, you have to face these obstacles head-on. He is the cheater and you have every right to keep tabs on him for the rest of your marriage. That's his fault.

posts: 456   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8648762
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 3:46 AM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

I hope for your sake, he sends a text first.

It would bring you some peace of mind I would hope. 🙏🏼

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Slowly healing from Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 947   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8648771
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Karmafan ( member #53810) posted at 7:40 AM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

I hope you didn’t text first. He’s the cheater and he’s the one who should be trying to hang on to you, not the other way around. That includes texting you when he’s away. To let you know he’s thinking of you, and to soothe the anxieties he has created.

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8648783
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:24 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

You have to be honest with yourself and with your (we all hope) former WS.

Your best bet was to have brought this up before he went away. In the future, I strongly recommend deciding how you'll keep in contact while apart before any trip.

Why text and not a phone call? It's too easy to misconstrue the emotion in a text. It's easier to connect when more channels are available, and with a call, at least you can hear tone of voice.

Yes, it's best for your H to initiate contact, but in the absence of an agreement, I'd call if I wanted to.

But you opened this thread yesterday - what happened last night?

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:25 AM, April 8th (Thursday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8648880
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 6:01 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

Wife and I do when one of us is out of town. Good morning. Good Evening. randomly whenever. We also generally talk on the phone between dinner and bed time. There are exceptions on the last especially if the time skew is excessive, but we like to stay connected even out of each other's physical presence. This is without any infidelity in our marriage.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8648883
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 6:16 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

You've been in R for some time now.... how is that going? I think a married couple should definitely be in communication daily, save for some special issue like they're camping and no cell service. Otherwise, should be standard operating procedure to do basic check ins with one another, even if its short and sweet like hi, how are you doing.... how was your day.

If you're feeling needy and question your actions, its best to have a conversation with the Husband or IC. This shouldnt be at all out of the ordinary for couples.

posts: 1187   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8648885
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 6:27 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

Make sure you pepper spray, random, here and there texting him... NOT predictable.

You can do that to make sure he answers and there aren't "any distractions". Believe this: when they're out there with AP, there "are distractions". The distractions are usually at the designer class.

The KEY: just make sure there's ALWAYS an implied silent threat that HE'D better answer. And everyone understands the situation that he'd better answer, without saying it.

If something is going on, with the random texts, you got him.

[This message edited by rugswept at 12:29 PM, April 8th (Thursday)]

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 980   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8648888
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 11:13 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

I'm curious why you do or do not want to text?

If you want to, then do it.

if you don't, then don't.

If you don't want to and he asks why, then tell him the truth - don't make something up. IOW, if the reason you don't want to text is TRULY bc you want to give him space, then give him space. That's letting your actions reflect your desires/values.

If you don't want to text bc you hope he will reach out, and he later asks, then tell him: I did not text you bc I wanted to see if you would make the 1st move.

If you want to text, but don't want to appear needy, then you have to decide what is more important to you (not to anyone else, just to you). So you don't text and he asks - the answer is I wanted to, but it felt like sending a message of neediness that I'm not comfortable with right now (and as a BS - tho not in R - I can absolutely understand that dynamic).

You control YOU.

Whatever it is, be honest with yourself and then with your WS.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3509   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8648939
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