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I Feel So Useless

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DevastatedIdiot posted 4/7/2021 09:53 AM

Hi, this is my first point since discovering the site at the weekend. I think I've got a handle on all of the acronyms!

My husband discovered my affair just before New Year. It was the most devastating thing to ever happen in my life. He asked me to leave immediately and so I went to my mum's for a week. We spoke after a few days and he told me that this was not something he thought he could get over but I could return home whilst I found somewhere to go.

He hasn't wanted to talk about anything. The affair, the future, our relationship. He has repeated that he doesn't think this is something that he can't see past.

Of course I understand that, I am completely ashamed at what I've done and my heart aches for hurting him.

Despite everything he wants us to be friends, and we have seen each other a few times. He messages most days to see how I am. I moved out about 6 weeks ago and this has really made me realise the enormity and horror of what I've done and just how much he means to me.

I feel like my life without him is so pointless and don't understand how I could have made such utterly stupid and devastating decisions. He is the person for me and I am willing to do anything to have another chance.

A chance to show him how much I love him, how much I want to rebuild his trust and faith in me and have a chance to repair our marriage.

Is this possible when he doesn't want to talk about anything?

I wanted to give him time without putting him under pressure to talk, but I'm so scared that the more time that passes the more he will realise he is better off without me.

I have undertaken some IC and I understand what led to me doing what I did - I also KNOW that I would never ever do anything like this again. To anyone.

I just don't know what to do.

WalkingHome posted 4/7/2021 10:49 AM

No stop sign,


2 things-


What advice are you looking for?


What did you do and how/why did you do it?

Justsomeguy posted 4/7/2021 10:57 AM

I feel like my life without him is so pointless and don't understand how I could have made such utterly stupid and devastating decisions.

Understanding is a beginning. If you cant figure out why you put your own needs ahead of and at the expense of him, then you will never be a safe partner for him or anyone else. Also is this the first time you have demonstrated this type of behavior in this or other relationships. Get a good IC and begin exploring these things so you can understand yourself. There are some really self aware posters on the WW link, thread, thing. And take the advice about how to approach your BS. My STBXWW completely fucked it up, hence the STBX part.

TwoDozen posted 4/7/2021 11:07 AM

No stop sign

Just some advice from a BS whose STBXWS couldíve written the exact same post you did

Do not lie
Do not blame shift
Do not minimise

Damage limitation does not work it cause more damage than you could imagine.

Good luck.

TD

DevastatedIdiot posted 4/7/2021 11:13 AM

@WalkingHome

I'm looking for advice on how to approach a conversation with my BS to see if there is any way I can work and earn enough trust for him to consider a R.

I chatted online with a person for a number of months before meeting up. We met a handful of times and it was more an emotional affair with some physical aspects (hugging, kissing, holding hands, no sex). I did it for entirely selfish, stupid reasons. There had been no intimacy in my marriage for a long time. We had been unable to discuss it or work on it. I have very low self esteem and wanted to talk to someone who understood. I let it develop into more and I didn't stop it even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted and didn't make me happy.

Ariopolis posted 4/7/2021 11:15 AM

No stop sign.

My husband discovered my affair just before New Year. It was the most devastating thing to ever happen in my life.

Discovering the affair was the most devastating or having the affair was?

May I ask who the AP was, how long did it go on, why did you do it?

He is the person for me and I am willing to do anything

I don't understand this part. You have another guy. Why not be with him now? There is no need to hide and plan your trysts anymore. Maybe your H makes more money?

Having details can help people gauge their responses to you.

DevastatedIdiot posted 4/7/2021 11:19 AM

@JustSomeGuy

Sorry, I can see I contradicted myself a little in my post. I have started IC and I understand what I was feeling and why. I can honestly say I have learnt how wrong I was and what I should have done.

I really don't want to fuck things up, but I'm scared of pushing something or not fighting hard enough - if that makes sense.

DevastatedIdiot posted 4/7/2021 11:19 AM

@JustSomeGuy

Sorry, I can see I contradicted myself a little in my post. I have started IC and I understand what I was feeling and why. I can honestly say I have learnt how wrong I was and what I should have done.

I really don't want to fuck things up, but I'm scared of pushing something or not fighting hard enough - if that makes sense.

DevastatedIdiot posted 4/7/2021 11:22 AM

@TwoDozen

Thank you. I have no intention of shifting blame or not accepting responsibility for my actions.

I understand how important it is to be honest going forward (I am so sorry that I can't change the past) and allowing my BS to know whatever he needs and wants to know so he can make an informed decision.

DevastatedIdiot posted 4/7/2021 11:30 AM

@ Ariopolis

You're right - having the affair was devastating of course. I just meant that the reality of how much I hurt my BS and seeing that was utterly devastating and a mammoth wake up call to what I had done.

I've explained in a post above why I did what I did, it was with a stranger that I had been confiding in/chatting to online and I allowed the situation to develop - I don't mean that to sound as cold as that, I just acknowledge that I made choices that I hadn't intended to, and I am very ashamed of those choices.

The affair being discovered was like a very well deserved slap across the face. It made me realise what was really important to me, what was real and what I wanted. It made me realise that I had jeopardised and betrayed the person that I loved for a 'fantasy' that hadn't even made me happy.

I don't know about your world but money is not relevant in mine. The AP has an extremely well paid job and has stated that he wants more so again, you're right, I could be with him, without having to hide anything. That is not what I want.

I know my BS is the man for me and I would do anything to try and have a future again with him. Even though I am well aware that I do not deserve that.

sisoon posted 4/7/2021 11:33 AM

My reco:

1) Find a good therapist to deal with your low self-esteem.

2) Honor your H's freedom of choice. Offer to answer ant question. write a timeline to have it ready if he wants one. Be available when and if he wants contact.

Another way of saying this is: do not force your H to accept anything from you, especially if your desire to give comes from guilt.

If your H wants to talk, be honest, come completely clean.

3) If you want something from him, ask for it - and remember he's free to refuse.

4) I consider kissing someone not your partner to be sexual.

5) Be clear and consistent about what you want.

6) If you weren't intimate physically or emotionally, do you really want to R?

DevastatedIdiot posted 4/7/2021 11:41 AM

@sisoon

Thank you.

I have been honouring his freedom of choice and it feels right to me to do that. I am just scared of time going by...

Am working with a therapist - thank you. My desire doesn't come from guilt, although I do feel that, it comes from realising all of the fantastic things about our relationship and friendship and wanting to try and preserve that and make it even better. Yes despite the lack of intimacy I want the opportunity to try and gain his trust and to try and rebuild our relationship to include those things.

It has really woken me up to what I had and I don't want to be without that or him.

WalkingHome posted 4/7/2021 12:10 PM

Why did you have no intimacy in your marriage for so long?


What caused that issue?


Username123 posted 4/7/2021 12:48 PM

You didn't have sex with your AP so that is a good thing.

DevastatedIdiot posted 4/7/2021 13:07 PM

@WalkingHome

I think a lot of things contributed to it. We were in a bit of a rut, we'd both stoped trying, both tired.. it sounds like a bunch of excuses... for a while last year I felt we were more friends than husband and wife, and I genuinely thought maybe we should end. Now I know I want to work on us more than anything. I want the opportunity to have a proper relationship again.

DevastatedIdiot posted 4/7/2021 13:10 PM

@username123

I just hope my H will give me an opportunity to talk and can try and believe me.

Ariopolis posted 4/7/2021 13:51 PM

I've explained in a post above why I did what I did

We cross posted.

I don't know about your world but money is not relevant in mine.

Many Waywards have a come to jesus moment when they realize their BS was the source of their comfortable lifestyle.

My desire doesn't come from guilt, although I do feel that, it comes from realising all of the fantastic things about our relationship and friendship and wanting to try and preserve that and make it even better.

I think it would help if you let go of thinking what you lost, as fantastic as it was, and focus more on what your H is going through. This is the difference between remorse and regret.

You said he won't talk about it, yet he keeps in touch with you. If I were in your place, I'd speak less about what improvements to myself I'm making and more about what he's feeling and what he's going through. Try your best to get him to open up. You said he won't talk, but that really is the key.

He's been through a big shock. He's going to respond warmly to someone who is interested in his welfare and his well being.

You are NC with the AP, right? You must immediately tell your BH any attempt on AP's part to contact you. Your honesty, in spite of your fears, is what counts now.

Another thing I guess is important is living under the same roof. After infidelity, a separation does wonders for the WS to realize what they threw away, but it hinders communication.

The most important things are to find out what your BH is feeling, what he wants, what he wants you to do, and under what conditions he would allow you to come home. Then do them right to the letter.

It's time to shift your focus from what you lost to more of what he lost.

I hope things work out for you.

HellFire posted 4/7/2021 14:16 PM

No intimacy is not the reason you cheated. That's blameshifting. You're basically saying you weren't getting what you wanted from your husband,so you went elsewhere.

You say you both contributed to that problem. You stopped trying.

Not happy? You talk to your husband. If nothing changes, you have some decisions to make. You can separate, or divorce. But you dont cheat.

He may have contributed to the shitty marriage. But you had other choices. You chose to cheat, when you could have left.

Is the OM married? Have you, or your husband, told his wife?

Also..you had a physical and emotional affair. While you may not have had sex with him, you had physical contact.

Have you considered taking a polygraph, to prove you didn't have sex? Because I can promise, your husband thinks there was sex.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:18 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

DevastatedIdiot posted 4/7/2021 14:29 PM

@Ariopolis

Thank you for your reply. I was just highlighting that I know I need to work on myself and demonstrate that I am workingto understand why I did what I did and addressing that.

Yes I do need to understand what he wants and what he would allow.

Believe me I am very nuch focused on what he is going through.. and it breaks my heart that I did that.

DevastatedIdiot posted 4/7/2021 14:44 PM

@Hellfire

I'm not blameshifting. I'm just saying there was a.lack of intimacy, w3 had both stopped trying, I tried talking about it on a number of occassions.... I'm not saying this led me to go elsewhere for what I wanted. And I'm fully aware that I should have made my H listen and talk and of course I should bave made any decision rather then cheat.

But you know what? I fucked up. I made a stupid selfish decision that I regret more than anything. I devastated someone I love and I feel sick because of that. I know what a c*** I am, but that doesn't stop me hoping that somehow we can work through this because the past few months have made me realise just how much my H means to me.

The OM is married and no I haven't told his wife. From my perspective that's not my decision to make.

I can't imagine my H would ask me to take a polygraph, but if he did of course I would.

I don't have any hope that he will be able to move past this and I don't blame him. I just live in hope.

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