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Cheating/Leaving blamed on spouse's weight gain

Topic is Sleeping.
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 2:14 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

They cheat because they have issues.

I wonder if they marry sometimes because they have issues. Well actually...obviously.

It’s where the term “trophy wife” came from.

An ultimately unscratchable itch for some. I am somebody, and this woman’s willingness to have sex with me is proof. Now I need the next dose of affirmation, and she can’t give it to me because she already gave it to me.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8648821
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landclark ( Member #70659) posted at 3:45 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

I am somebody, and this woman’s willingness to have sex with me is proof. Now I need the next dose of affirmation, and she can’t give it to me because she already gave it to me.

I have had this conversation with my WH. I think that was definitely a big part of it for us, though he won't admit it of course. I think he was always going to cheat, even if the high school crush hadn't come into the picture. He needed those ego boosts from having an attractive woman wanting him, and once I was his wife, it was no longer a boost or a thrill. It had nothing to do with my weight because at the time he cheated, I was very thin. I then thinned down again after giving birth, and he was still cheating.

Unbeknownst to me, he brought his issues into the marriage. His issues were not caused by me or the marriage.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1911   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8648848
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JanaGreen ( Member #29341) posted at 3:52 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

His issues were not caused by me or the marriage

It's truly illuminating to watch them treat the next partner exactly the same way that they treated you . . . like I knew intellectually it wasn't me, but witnessing that was when I REALLY gut-level GOT it.

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8648850
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DragnHeart ( Member #32122) posted at 5:17 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

I drew the line when he took up dating.

Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

I spit/choked on my noodle soup

Wh always sings:

The bigger the figure, the better I like her

The better I like her, the better I feed her

The better I feed her, the bigger the figure

The bigger the figure, the more I can love

He likes BIG butts. I have an hour glass figure, even with the extra weight i still have that shape. He begs me not to lose it. i need to drop a bit. My breasts are at least 8lbs each lol. I will forever have a pouch unless i have a tummy tuck but i see it as proof i had twins. Its my baby pouch. Helps cover all the nasty scars down there too.

Fat cant be that unattractive, i still turn heads at the beach with a two piece on...and WH hates that other guys look.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 21874   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8648877
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 NorCalLost (original poster Member #63815) posted at 8:46 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

Regarding weight- There is some truth to loss of attraction from weight gain and appearance. I know it will attract a whole lot of hate...but it's true.

Some people are just plain visual. They need an attractive partner/spouse. For them, their partner's effort on the physical side is directly tied to that partner's perceived investment in the relationship.

I am the original poster in this thread. I totally agree with you. I do think we owe it to ourselves, primarily, to be as healthy and fit, the best version of ourselves, that we can be. I would not like it if my husband had gained 50 pounds, and just became slovenly, refusing to even try to lose the weight. That's an entirely different situation than the one I found myself in. And also, I would still love him and encourage him to get healthier. I wouldn't cheat on, betray and abuse him.

I gained *20 pounds, due to medication intended to KEEP ME ALIVE - and the jerk I was married to still told me that overweight people are all lazy pigs, and that I didn't love him enough to lose the 20 pounds.

To me, and to you as well I would guess, there is a huge difference between maintaining attraction in a relationship (which is totally important) and being a superficial asshole without any concept of what true love really is.

[This message edited by NorCalLost at 2:50 PM, April 8th (Thursday)]

DDay 4/23/18. Second WH. Second divorce.

posts: 356   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2018   ·   location: from Northern California
id 8648909
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sewardak ( Member #50617) posted at 12:12 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

Jana - didn't he cheat before you had your son too? Maybe I'm thinking of someone else.

Were you reconciled before you got pregnant?

posts: 4108   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2015   ·   location: it's cold here
id 8649071
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JanaGreen ( Member #29341) posted at 12:26 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

Sewardak, he cheated initially in 2010, got super drunk out with our neighbor at the time and they ended up calling an escort service, which apparently was normal behavior for the neighbor but not for my ex. He never blamed me for that one, but he also never really did any work to figure out why he did that other than stopping drinking for a while. Then he got up to some other stuff in 2012, we almost divorced, he had a faux come to Jesus moment and was on great behavior for about 2 years, at which point I felt like our relationship was stable and got pregnant with our son. While I was pregnant he started up with selfish behavior again, and this time everything was my fault for one reason or another. That particular instance was blamed on my stretch marks the day after, but later on he was berating me for not looking like the instagram-selfie women at the gym that he was obsessed with while I was taking care of both kids (newborn and five) with pretty much no help from him, pumping multiple times a day at my full-time job, etc. Etc. So I guess we were reconciled before I got pregnant with my son, but he slid right back into bullshit behavior when I was pregnant. Now I'm a big proponent of believing somebody the first time they show you who they are.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 6:26 AM, April 9th (Friday)]

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8649073
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 4:20 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

I am sure everyone wants this said so here goes.Your husband is an idiot.I am sure you realize this as well and is why you are that angry that he thinks he's smarter than you.I have worked with people who were on Prednisone and yes...it's f%©®^ng hard if not impossible to lose weight while you are on this.I sometimes wake up at 330 a.m. to excersize before working a grueling 8 hour job as well as eat healthy and I am still a chubbykins.I have breathing issues so steroids are a part of my medication.Karma had a way of biting stupid in the a$$ eventually.You just do you and wait.It will happen.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8649271
Topic is Sleeping.
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