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I hate that whenever my WW and I talk in a negative way she will end the conversation by saying something along the lines of, "your done with me" or "you don't want me anymore". The truth is that I do very much want this woman. Wouldn't have sacrificed as much as I had if I didn't. I Wouldn't have married her at that. I gave her my absolute best but it hurts to know that I wasn't as important to her as she was to me. The R is going but I honestly don't think I can do it. I see her and I see the woman I married... then I'm flooded with all these negative thoughts, "she don't really want you" "its all been a lie" "people tried to warn u about this" not to mention all the mind movies.

I myself have weird attention problems. I have over the years have developed a way for me to remeber or stay on track on things. Ive gotten really good at this little feet that I do it without realizing. Since DDay, everything is like a movie played in a loop. The more i try not to feel these things the more I do. The more I try and tell myself that its not really like the more I convince myself. I feel so unhappy. I can't remember when the last time I did feel happy. The best thing i feel is, meh. And I am tired of this. I want to feel good about myself and stuff. Idk if this is part of the R or not. I dont have much outlets to express myself. But I bet many of you reading this can relate. This feeling sucks...

I feel so unhappy. I can't remember when the last time I did feel happy. The best thing i feel is, meh. And I am tired of this.

Sounds like it was a dealbreaker for you.

And the feeling..that may be you coming to that realization.

The truth is that I do very much want this woman.

The more I try and tell myself that its not really like the more I convince myself. I feel so unhappy. I can't remember when the last time I did feel happy. The best thing i feel is, meh. And I am tired of this.

I dont have much outlets to express myself.

Are you in IC? I think it's the perfect outlet to work through these feelings.

The R is going but I honestly don't think I can do it. I see her and I see the woman I married... then I'm flooded with all these negative thoughts, "she don't really want you" "its all been a lie" "people tried to warn u about this" not to mention all the mind movies.

My R was brief, admittedly, but what you describe is how I felt when I started to realise I couldn’t live with that gnawing pain, the excruciating flashbacks, the constant triggers. And that love wasn’t enough for me to stay.

I hope you can find your answer but I second what everyone else said: you need IC and you need to find a counsellor you work well with. Try more than one until you find the right fit for you. You need to be able to think clearly through the trauma and IC will give you exactly that. A logical thread through all the disjointed feelings, thoughts and episodes.

It has been about a year since your Dday. Around year 2 is often the point where some betrayed spouses enter into what is sometimes called the "plain of lethal flatness" - that sinking realization that, if you stay with her, this reality is your lived life, every day for the rest of your life.

Your WW cheated around the same time you got married. This is unusual in my observation. Normally, the period of getting married is the peak of commitment and love. The best you'll get. Brother, if cheating on you with a co-worker is the best you'll get from her, what will she be like when the going gets tough?

Where you are is a difficult situation. I understand the feeling you have. I had it for years.

You can reckon it like this. You are eating your favorite meal. Mine is spaghetti and meatballs. You feel full. Satisfied. But then you desire a second helping. You have that second helping snd then don’t feel so good b/c you over-ate.

You are trying to ignore the sick feeling in your marriage because of your wife’s affair.

My experience with reconciliation was difficult. It was a three year struggle. While I had many many happy times and I love my H, cheating was a deal breaker and he knew that.

But no matter what my H never gave up. He never expected a guarantee from me that I would never D him. Unfortunately your wife appears to have an expectation that you need to commit to her.

When SHE should be committing to you. She needs to stop expecting anything from you and putting you in a position of you having to give her support. Instead she needs to accept her lumps good or bad.

It is possible her cheating is a dealbreaker. Westway who posts here often had a huge eye opener about his wife. Unfortunately he quickly learned who she really was and R was never going to work with her.

If you want a D — get one. You don’t owe your wife a thing more than “I’m sorry but this isn’t going to work for me”. Perfectly honest and valid reason for a D. She cheated. You didn’t want to remain married to a cheater.

End of story.

Give yourself permission to make that hard choice if that is what you really want.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:23 AM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

You're coming up on a year out. The first 'antiversary' is often very difficult without a person even being aware of it.

The POLF does hit a lot of people, but it doesn't have a pre-determined outcome.

Look at behavior. You are still around ... you want to be, and you know it. Your W is still around ... but you aren't taking that as a commitment to stick around, and you don't fully accept it as something your W really wants to do.

You are still around ... but your W doesn't take that as a commitment to stick around in the future, and she doesn't fully accept it as something you really want to do.

I don't know the truth in your sitch, but I strongly recommend talking to each other about your commitments, fears, and desires. Maybe you're both faking it. Maybe you both really want to be together and have irrational fears that the other doesn't.

Our MC was also my W's IC. Both of us feared the other didn't really want to R for a couple of years before we accepted what we did and said. I questioned my W's commitment in MC sessions. My W talked about her fear that I would leave in her IC sessions.

Our MC could give us the facts: a) at no time after I committed to R did I indicate I was thinking of leaving, b) when the topic came up, I always expressed a desire to R, c) at no time did my W ever express an inclination to leave, and d) when the topic came up, W always expressed a desire to R. (My W signed a release that allowed her IC to share stuff from her IC sessions in MC sessions.) Eventually, with the facts never changing, W & I both came to believe we each wanted R.

It was particularly difficult for my W to accept that I wanted to R, because she hated herself and couldn't believe anyone would want to be with her after her A.

IOW, what you think and feel seem normal. The way to find some resolution to your discomfort, IMO, is to communicate.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:21 AM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

It was particularly difficult for my W to accept that I wanted to R, because she hated herself and couldn't believe anyone would want to be with her after her A.

This seems to be a re-occurring statement I see with people in R and my situation is very similar with WW having a great deal of self recrimination and shame (and perhaps true of OP?).

Meanwhile, I know many of us BS's in R struggle with the past's grip on our minds. I find it useful to see the dark thoughts as sinister birds that fly over and want to make a nest in my mind and I mentally just wave them on. I've already worked those thoughts over and made my decision, until and unless some new information comes to light, I don't want to think about how I was done wrong. I forgive, which means the debt is paid and I'm not looking for anything from my WS regarding the affairs. I don't want to think about an old debt and so actively push those thoughts away and focus on other things.

I do not want the above to sound trite, mind movies and dark lingering thoughts from the trauma are real and difficult. There is no magic wand, just sharing my own technique and approach that seems to be working for me and allows me many good and positive days.

Good luck with your journey. It is a journey, I'm behind you in R time, and so grateful you shared.

When genuine trust & faith leave a marriage and one of the spouses (ie, the betrayer) loses their friendship and love for the betrayed... few marriages even survive. And this brings in the 'meh' aspect. The shock and awe has died down and you're left with a cheating spouse. It's tough to get motivated to try and really make the marriage work.

I agree with ramius. This seems like a dealbreaker.

Jaybee2020: The thoughts and feelings you are describing are normal parts of R, but that doesn't mean R is, or isn't, for you. Only the BS can decide what's right for them.

I don't know your story, but I read all the responses, and it looks like your WW betrayed you very early in your marriage? I agree that is not a good sign, but a lack of integrity is a lack of integrity- regardless of when in a marriage it reveals itself. A lack of integrity is never a good sign. A long marriage will test both partners in unforeseeable ways. Butforthegrace is right that things will inevitably get tough. Who we are when it gets tough is telling. However, that doesn't mean that someone who shows their lack of integrity early in a marriage isn't capable of true change before the going gets tough.

If your WW is truly committed to the incredibly difficult work of her own recovery, and you believe she's R material, it is possible to R. What is concerning are the comments your WW is making to you. Those aren't the comments of someone who is doing well in their own recovery. It sounds like she is going into a shame spiral. It's not going to help you heal for her to be bringing her shame and doubt to you. Her comments are showing she's focused on her own feelings, and not focused on you. My FWH could not truly be there for me when he was overwhelmed by his shame.

Your WW needs to deal with her own feelings in IC, or some kind of program, so she can be a rock for you when you are experiencing and expressing your pain. In my book, that's a true sign that a FWS is R material.

I hate that whenever my WW and I talk in a negative way she will end the conversation by saying something along the lines of, "your done with me" or "you don't want me anymore".

Then why do you let her do it? Why don't you call her out on it?

To me, it reads like she is guilting you into staying.

If you do decide to D, then she will say, "See, I told you so, I knew it all along." This then gives her ammo to tell everyone that she tried, but she could tell that you 'were done with her', and just strung her along. Then all her posse will circle their wagons around her.

Do not let her get away with that guilt shit. Call her out on it. Ask her why she keeps saying that? Ask her if that were truly the case, then why are you (JayBee) still around?

Your WS is not in remorse-mode at the moment, and she is still more concerned about herself than you. She is protecting herself by setting up a narrative that will make you look like the 'bad guy'.

I don't know if there's a single word that would encapsulate the feelings you describe. I would imagine, however, that most betrayed spouses understand it all well enough, including me. If such a word does exist, I'd say that "pain" fits the bill.

In all of my years here, the one thing that has never changed for me is being constantly amazed at just how hard infidelity hits most people. It hits hard and it hits deep and it takes most people years to recover and heal from what is usually a severe emotional and psychological trauma.

At one year out, I was just beginning to feel a glimmer of my old self. At the same time, I was also just beginning to understand the damage and how it was changing me.

The more i try not to feel these things the more I do. The more I try and tell myself that its not really like the more I convince myself.

Stop trying not to feel, brother. It's a no-win scenario. You're going to feel shit (unless you're a Vulcan). And the only way to learn to cope with those feelings is by feeling them. Trying to suppress your feelings only prolongs the experience. When you're mad, feel it. Let that anger out, voice it, write about it (journal), think about the source of that anger and how it's impacting your life. The same goes whenever you're feeling anything at all, sorrow, shame, humiliation, whatever else comes blustering along with the shit storm.

I feel so unhappy. I can't remember when the last time I did feel happy. The best thing i feel is, meh. And I am tired of this. I want to feel good about myself and stuff.

I'm sure it will seem absolutely absurd to write this, but... why do you feel so unhappy?

Yes, I know. You're a BH. More than enough reason to feel the way you do and more than enough reason to feel the why I felt during those first few years. I felt truly unhappy, lost and unhinged, often to the point at which a "plain of lethal flatness" was a welcome relief.

So, delve into the unhappiness and start to chip away at it's influence. It's not easy and sucks beyond anything most of us have to experience in life. I think you'll find some of the answers a little surprising, if you're willing.

I believe that happiness is, for the most part, a choice. Of course, there can be external factors powerful enough to preclude our pursuit of happiness, in which case, drastic changes have to be made. On the whole, however, for those of us living everyday, average lives, the choice is still our own.

Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness. People can and will add either joy or sorrow to our lives. They cannot, however, make us happy or miserable (although some will certainly try).

This is why I keep repeating, year after year, to member after member, the best advice I ever received here on SI.

Step-back and detach from your WW, watch and observe what she does with the opportunity, the gift, you have given to her. Find your own happiness and peace of mind, body and spirit. Forget about your marriage and reconciliation for a while. Focus on you, your recovery and healing.

Idk if this is part of the R or not.

It doesn't matter. Whether you and your wife can successfully reconcile or you chose to divorce her, finding your own happiness and peace is up to you, brother.

Focus on you for a while. Focus on your recovery and healing.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:57 AM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

I am likely going to draw some fire for saying this, but It's my view-

When you need someone like a paid IC to help you find happiness...you don't need IC...you need a lawyer and a divorce.

That sadness is a hard wired barometer that is speaking to you clearly. It is telling you that something is bad wrong and you need to fix it or the sadness will amplify until you do. People take meds to silence that big red flashing beacon of pain telling you that your life is on fire...but it never fully silences it. It just makes you numb.

Skip the meds and the IC...go to the divorce lawyer...and you will find freedom from the source of all that pain on the far side of the mountain.

Alternatively, you can go to IC, eat anti depression meds like they are skittles, talk...and talk...and talk...and talk...and still feel all that sadness...and have flashbacks...and constantly wonder if she is cheating...and feel like you never got justice...and on and on.

That's not a hard call. D papers are the road to freedom.

R is no easy journey, and its only possible with a very remorseful WW, and even then its not a sure thing.

You probably need to address your unhappiness at this stage, and maybe put the R on hold. I'm not familiar with your story, but if you havent done IC on your own and jumped right into R, now may be the time to back off of R, and revisit the IC for yourself only. That means, don't go to MC. Just IC for you, to figure out what you really want.

Infidelity may or may not be a show stopper for you, but until you dig a bit more for yourself, youre working on R for R sake, and not for yourself.

If you don't think you can make it work thru R, than its best to cut it off early. Save yourself the grief and money of an extended marriage, and more financial entanglement with the WW. She's probably a coward, and wouldn't pull the D card and is waiting on you to do it if things aren't going well, but her behavior isn't great. YOu have 1 life, go and live it and be happy, whatever that means.

Jaybee2020,

It would appear to me that she needs to be an adult and have an adult conversation with you.

she will end the conversation by saying something along the lines of "you don't want me anymore"

Do not let her try to manipulate you or guilt you into something.

The question is not whether you want her but rather if she is willing to do the work to show you that she wants you.

It would appear as though she either wants to sweep her A under the rug or she is projecting her feelings realizing that she would leave you had you cheated.

If you do decide to D, then she will say, "See, I told you so, I knew it all along." This then gives her ammo to tell everyone that she tried, but she could tell that you 'were done with her', and just strung her along. Then all her posse will circle their wagons around her.

Just wanted to say that you can't really control this as some waywards are just going to stick to their version and smear the spouse. At least that is what happened in my case.

@crazyblindsided

you can't really control this as some waywards are just going to stick to their version and smear the spouse.

QFT. The only person you can control is yourself.