SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Backstory: WS sexted AP in January, I was friends with AP and her family is like my family. Her H is the one who caught them and notified me. They both said it was just a fling and would stop communication and work on reconciling.

Two weeks ago, they were caught talking again. My H's explanation is that he's trying to be supportive and help her out of her abusive marriage, just friends and nothing sexual.

Last weekend I was out of town and WS flew AP down. I surprised them by coming home early but there was no "proof" of a sexual relationship so they are both still denying anything else.

I've kicked my H out of the house and we're working on figuring out a divorce but it's still eating at me that I don't have anything to prove what's currently going on (yes I know they're together) but for some reason I just want them to actually own up to it.

So my question is how far do I go to get that information? Or do I just call it a day and wipe my hands of it?

"H's explanation is that he's trying to be supportive and help her out of her abusive marriage"

"WS flew AP down."

Yeah - he's cheating at some level. Speaking as a guy - the only reason a man engages in that sort of behavior is to get sex.

I don't know that you need more proof than what you've already said in order to move ahead with your decision - and you are well within you rights to dump his ass.

I've kicked my H out of the house and we're working on figuring out a divorce

I am sorry to hear this. I have read your posts and I thought you were reconciling.

I think it's reprehensible that your H can dare tell you he's helping her out with her abusive marriage.

Since she was a friend, can you verify that? Or did she, in a decent M, just decide to upgrade to your H?

The truth is you are the one in an abusive marriage, the way your H lies to you and treats you. Actually having the OW in your house is shameful.

I agree with the other poster in that he is definitely having a PA. IMO, when they say you'd never forgive them, that's what they're thinking about when they say it. The PA. That they've crossed the line everybody agrees is unforgiveable.

The only way to find out if they are having a PA is by hiring a PI, polygraph, or getting him back under your roof and VARing the heck out of your house and his car.

Which brings up another matter. When a BW throws the WS out, the WS usually takes it as permission to screw around more.

Sometimes it's a wakeup call and they have a come to jesus moment. It's pretty apparent which way they will go. It's either begging and pleading to come home or it's as little contact with you as possible because they are with the new person and you are the enemy.

Do you want this separation and D?

Are you in contact with the OBS?

They were caught sexting.

They broke NC two weeks ago.

She stayed in your house while you were away.

To answer your question of how far do you go, a polygraph is always an option of course.

But at this point you don’t need further proof of anything. He has already proven to you that he is not R material or safe.

How he reacts to the surprise polygraph appointment (recommended) would really tell you all that you need to know in all likelihood.

Unless you need it for yourself, I honestly don’t think you need any further proof. Flying her to the house when you weren’t there - after admitting to a fling in Jan when they agreed to cut communication, it’s quite enough.

Even if what he said were true and there was no sex (which I don’t think anyone would believe) it’s utterly inappropriate thing to do, he should not be her emotional support at any point, never mind after being caught sexting her, or expect you to be OK with.

Cut the cord, don’t look back. Keep the money from the PI and Polygraph for the lawyers fees.

If you want to take back your power and control you will stop this game of “proof” and accept he’s lied and cheated.

You see cheaters love this game b/c they get to have their spouse at home waiting for them and continue the affair. However when you no longer engage you cancel any power the cheater has over you.

My H believed I would never find out about our false reconciliation. I’m working my butt off to save this marriage and he’s still cheating. He never thought I would call the OW and she spilled the beans. Game changer.

He thought he could take it to his grave. All of it.

You know he’s lied and cheated and disrespected you. She was at your home while you were away. 🚩🚩🚩🚩. They had sex. Everyone here will tell you that.

Just b/c he won’t admit it doesn’t mean a darn thing and isn’t proof nothing happened. It’s just he’s too much of a coward to be honest.

Stop giving any validity or importance to this coward.

So my question is how far do I go to get that information? Or do I just call it a day and wipe my hands of it?

It doesn't matter if they didn't have sex,(they did). Even if they didn't being APs emotional support animal was more important to your WS than your M. Since that is the case he is in no way a candidate for R. I'm sorry that he failed you and your M. File and move on to find the better life you deserve.

WS flew AP down

^^That's all the proof you need.

Married men don't fly another woman down to spend the night at his home while married while you are away and not say a word to you.

He's cheating.

Does her husband know?

You could hire a PI if you feel you need it solidified still. You know yourself and if you need that then just do it, except, at this point he will argue you kicked him out so he went to her after---- the window to catch them beforehand is closed.

The question you are asking is actually DID they have sex before, to which others have responded, it doesn't even matter at this point. He he has done shows he doesn't care about your well-being or respect you.

He flew her down, knowing the devastation he has caused, AFTER promising no contact. That is it in my mind, which is how you have responded.

Good going. Sorry you have to go through this.

If you want to take back your power and control you will stop this game of “proof” and accept he’s lied and cheated.

You see cheaters love this game b/c they get to have their spouse at home waiting for them and continue the affair. However when you no longer engage you cancel any power the cheater has over you.

Wise words.

Put your cheating spouse hat on...what possible reason would they have to ever be honest?

Answer = none

Other actually catching them Fing what do you want. Stop listening to his words. His actions tell you everything you need to know.

Stay strong. You know in your heart there's more. If there wasn't he would be fighting for all he is worth to save his M.

You have all the proof you need to D. Drop the belief that an if no sex it’s not an affair. It’s a betrayal of your vows. When he figures out you are serious he will come begging for R. If you agree then make him provide a timeline.

You need to inform her H also. You don’t leave an abusive M by getting with a married man.

You don’t need a reason to D.

You can just tell him “it’s over. This is not the kind of marriage I can tolerate any longer”.

And then detach, hire a lawyer and start the 180.

You have all the proof you need in front of you. You know what happened in your heart and your WS is proving to be deceitful and backstabbing. You do not deserve that. The pattern is there.

At one point for me, I realized all the information was there and anymore wasn't adding any value besides just hurting me more. Only you can decide that.

Listen to your gut and listen to the people here. Sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself!

He is never going to admit it. You could have a video of them actually having sex and he would claim you didn't see it right.

Yes they are cheating but if you want proof you are going to have to change your criteria. Rather than say you will believe it when he admits the truth just change the question.

Has he broken NC? Yes Has he put your marriage at risk by seeing OW? Yes Has he put her needs in front of yours and the marriage? Yes Have you caught him in lies before? Yes

Is he working toward helping you heal? No

Do you have proof of it being an emotional affair? Yes

There are too many red flags for them not to be having a physical affair. He's not going to admit it and your not going to catch them in the act. The only thing you can do is focus on what you do know and realize that that is enough.

His emotional support of her OVER you is already proven. I understand wanting more proof on the PA, but would it matter if you already know he's willing to throw you under the bus for her? 180 180 180

My H's explanation is that he's trying to be supportive and help her out of her abusive marriage, just friends and nothing sexual.

This is a lie. Reach out to the AP's Husband and tell him that he is being accused of abuse. Let him deal with his wife on his end. I'm sure its not true. MY WW tried to tell people she was afraid of me. Never once touched her in the 17 yrs we were together. Afraid of what?????? LOL. Bunch of fucken liars.

Truth is, your H is choosing the AP over you. You don't need more proof. The APs Husband has already caught them.

Let your friends and family know. If you have kids, depending on age, they should be made aware as well. YOu don't want them to change the story on you, so let others know. Than proceed to divorce his ass, and let him have her. Since's she's so abused, she shouldn't have issues when you call the cops, and report abuse to them. Make sure the husband is there, and watch his reaction. tell your husband that you are concerned for APs health, and will report to police immediately and your husband is a witness. See him squirm and lie. Which he will.

My H's explanation is that he's trying to be supportive and help her out of her abusive marriage, just friends and nothing sexual.

This is a lie. Reach out to the AP's Husband and tell him that he is being accused of abuse. Let him deal with his wife on his end. I'm sure its not true. MY WW tried to tell people she was afraid of me. Never once touched her in the 17 yrs we were together. Afraid of what?????? LOL. Bunch of fucken liars.

Truth is, your H is choosing the AP over you. You don't need more proof. The APs Husband has already caught them.

Let your friends and family know. If you have kids, depending on age, they should be made aware as well. YOu don't want them to change the story on you, so let others know. Than proceed to divorce his ass, and let him have her. Since's she's so abused, she shouldn't have issues when you call the cops, and report abuse to them. Make sure the husband is there, and watch his reaction. tell your husband that you are concerned for APs health, and will report to police immediately and your husband is a witness. See him squirm and lie. Which he will.

Hmm well sounds like she is in an abusive marriage so ofcourse he needs to save her through sex . And if he needs to abuse you to “sex save” her then clearly thats ok with Mr Paragon of virtue.

I dont know what level of love you had for him prior to this event , or what your pain tolerance is but for most people it would be pretty useless to try and hold onto this marriage .

Im really sorry you are here but happy to note you already sound pretty detached

[This message edited by siracha at 4:17 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]