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It's all so new

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ggcamp1975 posted 3/23/2021 07:45 AM

I don’t even know where to begin, Oct 9th 2021 my entire life changed right before my eyes. A little back story, I have been with WH since I was 16, he was 19. We have been married for almost 25yrs and we have 2 wonderful girls ages 11 & 20. It was that day I discovered my WH sexting buddy via our phone bill. For a while I had a feeling that something was off and I could not quite put my finger on it, it was a gut feeling. Then in September I literally caught him with his pants down, I don’t know if it was me just trying to ignore what was in front of my face but I blew up and then let it go.

Fast-forward 30 days later, he comes home from work early and I was working from home. Something felt wrong, off and then boom it happened once again I walked into the room caught him with pants down. Well this time I did not let it go, I fucking lost my shit and then stormed off and the investigation began. He went to take a nap, he didn’t feel well which is why he came home from work. While he slept I went to work, I dug through his phone and found nothing (shocking that a WS would clear everything off their phone) but then I decided to check our phone bill and that’s when I saw it……the same number over and over and over again for close to 6 months there were 100’s of texts a day and over the 6 month period there were 4 less than 10 min phone calls. Shocking to me I calmly sent him a text message that said “when you get up we need to talk, and if there is anything you want to tell me I suggest you start with that. I know everything so your best bet is not to lie” About 30 mins later he was up and came to see me, I was working and said “not now”. Another hour past before I finally was able to get the strength to get up and talk to him. As soon as I walked into the room he spilled his guts, he told me he met her in an online chat (that’s a different issue) but they have never met in person and they didn’t even know each other’s names. A normal person would never believe that but while he was napping I called the OW and asked all kinds of questions and sure enough he was not lying, she did not know his name and the only “talking” they did was purely sexual (this doesn’t help tho)

Now ladies and gentlemen here comes the kick you while you are down moment, recall I said he left work early that day well that following Monday a new little supervisor decided to fire him. So now here I was finding out my worst fear has become a reality and then 3 days later he lost his job of 20+ years……Anyway back to DDay, it was 348pm when all of this came to light and we had to leave in less than an hour to take our daughter to her sports lessons. I stood there in total and complete shock and just speechless. Please know I am not a quiet person, I yell, I scream and I lose my shit when I am pissed so for me to just stand there not saying a word had my WH stumped. I simply said I can’t deal with this right now I need to finish my work so we can go and proceeded to walk out of the room. I could hear him, he was bawling like a baby (mind you this is not something I have seen other than when his dad passed) but he was respectful and left me alone. WE get in the car, drive the 30 mins to take DD to her lessons and the entire time I am just doing everything to hold it together as I did not want to lose it in front of our DD. That lesson felt like it went on for days not just 2 hours. I walked around the park while she had her lesson and WH stayed in the car. My mind was going a million miles a second and it was like my brain did not know how to handle what I had just been told. It was time to go home and I dreaded getting in that car but I did and we made the long ass ride home. Once home and DD was settled into her room with airpods in clueless as to what was taking place on the other side of the house. I lost it, I mean I lost my shit. To this day I cannot tell you what I said or anything, it was like a blur. I do remember him crying, begging me not to leave (I really had no plans to do so) and telling me how much he loves, how sorry he is and how he just wishes he could take it back.
I am not saying our marriage was perfect, it was not by any means. For the past couple of years I had felt us drifting apart but at that time I was working on my MBA, working full time, he was working full time and of course the usual kids, house and all that. However, that is no excuse to cheat, like not even a little bit. Here we are almost 6 months later, and I have to admit I do have the textbook remorseful spouse. He has done everything and anything you can imagine to show his remorse, to understand how hurt I am and how to rebuild our marriage stronger than ever and I do appreciate all of it……so who can explain this, why do I still feel like he could do more? Why do I have moments where I feel like whatever he does will never be enough? There is so much more to this story but honestly I can’t write anymore, I just for the first time ever wanted to get this out there

nekonamida posted 3/23/2021 09:54 AM

It sounds like his attitude is positive. Is he in IC? Has he told you why he thinks he did it? Is he reading books and listening to podcasts? Has he given you the full truth of any and all As?

ggcamp1975 posted 3/23/2021 10:14 AM

nekonamida thank you for the reply...obviously I have left out a lot of details but my brain was on over drive after getting just that out. Now to answer your questions, yes he's in IC (set it up and all w/o my help, that's huge for him) He reads, and reads and reads from everything on BS feelings to why/how a WS acts the way they do and how a WS can help with healing. He has answered every question I have about this A and any others. He has told me this is the only time he's ever spoken to a woman offline but has admitted (and showed me) online chats with random women going back about a year. As far as the Why, well I got the typical "I don't know why" but he is making progress on that during IC and now I get the "something is wrong with me, this had nothing to do with you" "I am broken and I am working on fixing myself" Which don't get me wrong that's great but if there is one question I think every BS wants a black and white answer to that is WHY!!!

After reading so many stories on here, I feel bad even complaining about his behavior when I know it could be so much worse. But as we all know the pain is the same because having your life shattered does that to you

The1stWife posted 3/23/2021 10:14 AM

There is so much more to this story but honestly I can’t write anymore

No need to tell us more - we could probably figure it out lol. We have all been in your shoes and we understand.

So your H has been caught having an affair. Dday will forever change your life and unfortunately you cannot erase that.

Good news is you will survive this. We all do! It just takes time.

You are not obligated to reconcile with your H. If cheating is a deal breaker then it’s a dealbreaker. You may initially decide to R but then change your mind. That’s okay too.

Just know you need to watch his actions - not believe his words. His actions will tell you everything — and MAY contradict his words. You need to remain vigilant about this.

Also my personal opinion is it is not always the affair that kills the marriage but the behavior after the affair that kills the marriage. Meaning the cheater’s behavior after Dday is still to continue he the affair, or do very little to repair the damage etc. and the betrayed spouse is just left with very little to work with.

Another point — if the cheater is only upset they got caught and not upset for the trauma and lying and cheating, reconciliation may be a one sided (losing) proposition. You may be working hard and your cheating H is not. Just be prepared for it.

I’m sorry for you. You deserve better and I hope your H steps up to the plate to heal this.

newlife03 posted 3/23/2021 10:36 AM

I'm sorry you're here but you will find a lot of support. I'm glad he's already in IC and I agree that his actions will determine whether or not his remorse is real. The only thing I'd suggest is that you NOT trust anything that the OW said. She is clearly uninterested in your marriage and will say anything to save herself.

Venus1 posted 3/23/2021 11:01 AM

Sorry you have found us! Discovering infidelity is a true trauma and it is so overwhelming! Keep posting on SI in the weeks / months to come. There are a lot of people here that can help you process what you are going through.

D-day will change your life forever. It’s incredibly traumatic and we have all been there caught with our proverbial ‘pants’ down. You might question what was real, and what wasn’t. You’ll have trust issues with your WH and even feel like what he is doing is not enough. You might even ask yourself what you could have done to prevent it or ask why you didn’t see something sooner. These feelings are totally normal.

I’m glad your WH is in IC. Possibly a good candidate for R, if in fact what you want is R too.

Have you gotten into some IC yourself? Someone once told me that infidelity, regardless of the type (eg, EA, PA, online sites, sexting, massage parlors, pornography), is one of the most traumatic experiences someone can go through. It’s a true betrayal and you’ll find that there are many triggers that will come up even years later. While you may be able to forgive your WH, you will never truly forget his betrayal. It will take years to trust your WH again and so you may want to consider IC to support your healing.

Never feel bad about sharing your experiences here on SI. There is no competition --- infidelity is infidelity. Sadly, it just comes in many forms.

We are here for you. Big hugs.

ggcamp1975 posted 3/23/2021 11:36 AM

Thank you all for the replies, outside of IC I have not spoken to a single person about what is going on so it feels good to let it out without judgement 
To answer some of the questions, I do not trust a word OW said nor do I trust a word WH says. But after reading their texts (thank you ICloud for the backup) they really did not know names or what faces looked like, however she 100% knew about me and said she could not careless that he was married, there were several exchanges where you could tell he was feeling extremely guilty about his actions but just like all OW she was there to draw him back to her. Funny is those really ramped up right before DDay it was almost like he wanted to get caught because he couldn’t for whatever reason break it off.
I was always a cheating is a deal breaker, game over move kind of person but when it is in front of you it’s amazing how different you feel. We are working on R and it’s been going as best as it can, we have more days now that are fabulous and less I want to kill you days lol. His actions are the real reason I feel like we will have a successful R as long as we keep working. I would say for the first month or so he was more feeling guilty and pissed about being caught but then it slowly started to change to where it is more remorse mixed in with some shame. What’s sad is I hate seeing him feel so shameful, that’s something that not only triggers the hurt he did to me but also the abusive trauma he experienced as a child so I don’t like seeing him like that buuutttt there are other days where I am like yeah mf’er you feel that? That pain sucks huh? I know that’s awful but if I am being honest that’s how I feel.

brinbk posted 3/23/2021 17:08 PM

What 1stWife said is so true - for me, it was more what happened AFTER confrontation that set me on the path (D) rather than the affair itself. If I'm honest, I was all for R when I discovered the affair, and all throughout the time between discovery and confrontation (over a month), and then for some time thereafter. What helped me (tremendously) was listening to a few folks on here who told me to watch actions more than words, and observe if WS was really going to put in the effort to rebuild. When I saw it wasn't happening to a degree I felt good about, the decision wasn't really THAT hard anymore.

The good news is your WS' response seems positive so far, but I'll echo everyone else telling you to be super vigilant. Especially when we want something to be true, we can all easily dupe ourselves into thinking it's happening even when it's not. Take care of yourself (and DD) first and foremost. Good luck!

GTeamReboot posted 3/23/2021 23:51 PM

Welcome, unfortunately. Sorry you are here, glad you found us. The greetings here are contradictions like that!

Your screen name caught my eye, and we are the same age, and your Dday was exactly one year after mine!

I will say that it sounds like you are on a great path. My journey has involved a remorseful spouse, even if not always perfectly executed. He’s trying. Today I triggered randomly during a TV show and he handled it well. It remains a two steps up, one step back kind of path, which means progress with periodic feelings of regressing, questioning, second guessing. All normal.

I recall around the 6 month mark being the first big step back for me. I think when you first find out you are in shock. Stunned silence. Then as the shock gradually wears off, the reality sets in, new anger or ambivalence can set in. “You are here.” Again, all normal. It’s a spot on the map, but don’t give up the journey. Keep us posted!

jb3199 posted 3/24/2021 04:00 AM

Could his job loss have been prevented? Was there anything wrong in his actions that led to his dismissal?

I'm thinking not being that it was only mentioned the one time in your post. But if it was, I could see that being another obstacle to overcome in reconciliation.

jb3199 posted 3/24/2021 04:00 AM

Could his job loss have been prevented? Was there anything wrong in his actions that led to his dismissal?

I'm thinking not being that it was only mentioned the one time in your post. But if it was, I could see that being another obstacle to overcome in reconciliation.

ggcamp1975 posted 3/24/2021 06:22 AM

Could his job loss have been prevented? Was there anything wrong in his actions that led to his dismissal?

I should have followed up on this part, he was back at his job 4 weeks later after it was determined it was an unjustifiable termination. The reason that was a big deal during Oct/Nov is because I felt like for a month that's where the focus was, on the job. I wanted/needed the focus to be on this, the situation he caused. However, on the flip side it was a blessing in disguise because had he not come home that day I don't think I would have discovered what I did that day and it did give us 4 weeks home together which again was good and bad, plenty of time to talk but there was also plenty of time for arguing. That first 30-60 days were such a blur

Bigger posted 3/24/2021 06:44 AM

the only “talking” they did was purely sexual (this doesn’t help tho)

There is an adage here that goes something like “the worst type of affair is the type you are experiencing”. I can promise you that you wouldn’t feel better if this had been emotional too…

I think it’s actually rare if an affair is purely sexual or purely emotional if we define “emotional” as having emotions towards the other person. I think the real reason most people cheat are internal. Your WH didn’t decide to drop his pants because he felt the OW so sexual he couldn’t resist. He dropped his pants because he felt desired, empowered and validated. What an IC does is try to understand and correct why your husband had this need for validation and how to get it fulfilled in a “normal” way.

This validation? We ALL have that need in some way or form, only we get it in normal healthy ways. Like when people thank you for the meal you cooked, or friends want to visit, or your boss praises you work, or your spouse tells you that you look great. Validation or the need for validation isn’t the issue, but WHERE you seek it can be.

The1stWife posted 3/24/2021 13:54 PM

Why was he fired?

Anything to do with his sex addiction or behavior?

ggcamp1975 posted 3/24/2021 14:44 PM

Why was he fired?
Anything to do with his sex addiction or behavior?

No, it was because he left early and the new supervisor thought he did so without permission not understanding the union rules around leaving, you tell the company nurse. Anyway it took so long for him to go back because of the union back and forth, there was never any doubt he would return to work. What I hated about that time is so many of his/our friends and co-workers were calling, coming by etc. to support him but it didn't help that I was on the verge of breaking down but trying to hold it together. WH was great on kindly moving people along when they came by or ignoring calls and all that but still his job was a bog focus for him and honestly me too. The time from DDay and the next couple of months were just an insane rollercoaster and I am just now feeling like my head is on right, slightly off but on none the less

The1stWife posted 3/24/2021 20:56 PM

Glad things are looking positive. Just keep your eye on his actions. Time will tell if he’s in it for the long haul and really committed to R or it’s just a temporary phase until things calm down “and get back or closer to normal”.

Keep focused on your healing a d recovery too.

ggcamp1975 posted 3/25/2021 08:51 AM

The1stWife - actions is all that I watch, words are kind of meaningless at this point. I have been lurking on SI for a while and that is one thing I saw over and over was watch the actions. I will say so far his actions speak volumes. There is one small thing that he does that means the world to me. On DDay we had to take the youngest to her sports lesson, this park is somewhere we go at least 4 days a week. One the way home on DDay I remember just staring out the window in s state of shock, well 4 days later we were headed to the same park. The ride home I had a massive trigger driving down the road home, he picked up on that and when we got home asked me what was wrong. I explained and the next time we went to the park (2 days later) he drove a different route there and home and continues to do so to this day. I know it's small but I promise that was the moment I knew we could work on R

Venus1 posted 3/25/2021 12:29 PM

I was always a cheating is a deal breaker, game over move kind of person but when it is in front of you it’s amazing how different you feel.

I was always a cheating is a deal breaker kind of person too. When I first discovered my WS EA/PA, I was shocked at how quickly I wanted to focus more on R than D. I'd ask myself why would I throw away 17 years with this man that I love so much for a 'mistake'. We are all human and make mistakes, right? Unfortunately, his A was an 'exit-affair' and his behaviors since confrontation have told the story and taken me down a different path.

Also, kudos on taking care of yourself and acknowledging your triggers. Keep being honest with your WS about those triggers so that you can work through them together.

Big hugs!

ggcamp1975 posted 3/29/2021 07:31 AM

Just thought I would check-in and vent out my weekend. All during WH EA he would spend hours in the garage on the weekends, doing what I thought was work on an old car that he is fixing up to sell. Well this weekend he mentioned how he really needs time to work on the car in the garage because it has been sitting there so long not running. Well I kind of lost it, that triggered me like you wouldn’t believe. I went from relaxing and drinking coffee to instantly shouting “If you hadn’t spent so many hours on the phone with your whore then the car would be fixed” I am not even going to lie, I was shocked when that flew out of my mouth, damn those triggers for taking on a life of their own. I don’t have to tell all of you that one statement from me soon be a barrage of vile words coming from me but WH took it like a champ (as he should) Then he said “I told you she never meant anything to me, I never cared about her” that folks set me off again and I stormed off saying “She meant enough to you to hurt me” and that ended that conversation. I guess that last statement hit him like a dagger because he came over grabbed me crying and said “When you say it that way, you’re right” Yeah no shit I am right, because she did mean something otherwise I would not have been tossed to the side for her….

This is a huge step because 5 months ago this argument would have been a full on week long even, so progress? I will be so happy when the day finally comes that I don’t lose my shit over one word, one song, one scene on TV, just one anything……..I know you all know what I am talking about. Thanks for reading my little mini vent, it does feel good to get it out

3rdTimeIsACharm posted 3/29/2021 07:55 AM

“She meant enough to you to hurt me”

This is an excellent quick-witted reply to his minimization.

Stay strong.

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