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I am not ok

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HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/22/2021 11:03 AM

Wow, Adlham, that quote. The weight of all of those assumptions and expectations is heavy. The entire situation is extraordinarily complex. So it makes sense that the feelings you're grappling with are similarly complex.

I can't link, but I'm posting some excerpts from an NPR interview here because I think they might be helpful. At least for me, this helped put into words the very circular nature of the discussions surrounding racism, misogyny, classism etc.

Atlanta Killings: Sex Worker Advocate Sees Deadly Consequences Of Overlapping Hatreds

For Yves Nguyen ó an organizer for Red Canary Song, a New York City-based group that supports Asian sex workers and allies ó whether the women victims provided sex services is beside the point. To her, the gunman's target was clear ó and part of a history of race and gender-based violence against Asian women, immigrants and sex workers.

"If these women weren't sex workers, the person who killed them certainly thought that they were," Nguyen said in an interview with Weekend Edition's Lulu Garcia-Navarro.

"It is a reality that some people who work in massage businesses do engage in sex work ... and obviously some people don't," she said. But the racist and fetishistic perceptions around women of Asian descent, she said, especially immigrant Asian women involved in low-wage work, "make it so that people think that they're sex workers anyways."

"If they were not Asian women, they probably wouldn't be viewed as sexual objects of desire, and they wouldn't be automatically assumed to be sex workers," Nguyen said. "There's a hatred for both sex workers and immigrants and being Asian and being women, and they all intersect. It would be irresponsible to not talk about all of those parts."

As more information surfaces about the mass shooting, sex worker advocates like Nguyen are uneasy about how law enforcement and the news media might reinforce dehumanizing stereotypes of the victims and their work, considering the entrenched stigmas that exist around sex work and massage businesses.

"People want to be like, 'Don't assume that they're sex workers,' because they think that there's shame attached to it," she said, "even though we're simply naming the very expansive harm of criminalizing sex work and criminalizing immigrants."

"Say that one of those women was a sex worker, then is that person meant to be shamed in their death? Would they have deserved it? The answer is no."

My guess is, Adlham, that this is where some of your pain lies. The impulse to say "But they weren't sex workers! It's bullshit to assume that they were!" And then the immediate feeling after that of "Shit, who cares if they were! I shouldn't need to defend that anyway!"

It can be simultaneously true that 1) it is Bullshit with a capital B that that they are automatically assumed to have been sex workers AND 2) if any of them were sex workers, that doesn't justify killing them.

You're seeing the "Model Minority" myth vs. the hypersexualization/fetishization/dehumanization loop play out in real time. It's a circular argument meant to keep you on the hamster wheel. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Like Dee said, it's like asking what the rape victim was wearing. Or asking the wife with the black eye if she did in fact burn dinner.

You know another layer that makes this even more fucked up? He was able to go out and buy that gun THAT MORNING!

Another layer. He sat in his car for nearly an hour before going in to the first location (maybe even a little over an hour, I don't remember the exact time stamps). That's thousands of moments where he could have chosen differently, and didn't. I know we're all familiar with the mindfuck of that knowledge, that they could have done differently but chose not to.

8 murder charges aren't enough. This case is literally what the hate crime statute was written for. He deliberately attacked members of at least two protected classes. I truly hope they do their due diligence in this investigation. The prosecutors owe it to the victims to make hate crime charges stick.

Jeaniegirl posted 3/22/2021 11:38 AM

Another layer. He sat in his car for nearly an hour before going in to the first location (maybe even a little over an hour, I don't remember the exact time stamps).


And that makes it solid pre-meditation murder.

Derpmeister posted 3/22/2021 14:18 PM

Another layer. He sat in his car for nearly an hour before going in to the first location (maybe even a little over an hour, I don't remember the exact time stamps).

Jesus. That's so sinister. Was he whispering to Satan before he stepped out the car? Ugh, hurts to think about that.

Notthevictem posted 3/22/2021 15:28 PM

Hi Adlam!

Does talking about this help? I hope so.

You are right to feel the way you do about this.

You are right to be angry and disheartened and disappointed and the inherit injustice and whatever else is inside than bundle.

I am not the best to give any advice on this particular subject (as you could probably guess). I do want to say you have my support if you need or want it.

Wiseoldfool posted 3/22/2021 15:34 PM

Another layer. He sat in his car for nearly an hour before going in to the first location (maybe even a little over an hour, I don't remember the exact time stamps).


And that makes it solid pre-meditation murder.

It also makes it more difficult to argue insanity, that he did not know the difference between right and wrong. You donít sit in your car for an hour before you go buy groceries because you have no moral dilemma. Sitting in the car for an hour before you murder people? He had a moral dilemma, he knew what he was doing was wrong.

Adlham posted 3/24/2021 03:00 AM

NTV it does help, a lot.

I feel completely derailed after yesterday.
Sort of taking a internet break and watching indie horror movies because those are the only ones that I know won't make me cry.

I'm looking for a good therapist. I can't really talk to anyone. My mom is too angry right now, which is good for her, but she's also kind of my rock when it comes to stuff that I'm really upset about. And my husband is from the UK so his lived experience is very different. He just doesn't get it. And that's ok, too. It isn't his fault.

I'm just so tired.

Adlham posted 3/24/2021 08:36 AM

I mean, FFS, I wrote my first Haiku in probably 20 years.

Grief, suffocating
But like the lotus, I rise
A blossom, unsullied.

So, I don't know how many of you are on twitter, but I use it as form of coping. Internet anonymity is a habit I picked up when I left my ex.

The AAPI tags have a little lotus blossom. And this is a completely useless thing to focus on, but it's not the best choice. The lotus is hugely important and/or sacred to Asian cultures. As in 48 different countries and three territories.

It means different things to the different cultures, as well as something different to Buddhists and Hindus. On some level, it kind of feels like being invisible. I am surprised at how strongly I feel about it.

So it's complicated to me. It's not that I am against it, it's just that I want people to know & understand what it means to us.

It's always a surprise to me when I find something bothers me more than I would have thought, if that makes sense?

Edit- damn new phones. Hit send too soon .

[This message edited by Adlham at 8:46 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)]

JanaGreen posted 3/24/2021 08:42 AM

Sending you love, Adlham

sisoon posted 3/24/2021 11:22 AM

I wish I could come up with comforting words, Adlham, but I can't. I think your perceptions are accurate. The best we can do, I think, is to keep opening our minds and questioning the ideas we accept and to keep opening our hearts to people who don't look like 'me.'

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:25 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)]

Notthevictem posted 3/24/2021 12:02 PM

Taking break from internet... feeling tired... derailed...

What's bothering you the most right now?

Adlham posted 3/24/2021 15:24 PM

Feeling like I can't really talk to anyone in my not online life.

My mom's too mad, my husband doesn't get it, my friends have been dismissive when I've tried to talk about how I have been feeling prior to all of this so I am actually pissed about that, and I need to talk to my kids but it has to be a different conversation and I'm not sure how to start that one. I'm waiting for my oldest to come to dinner because I don't think I can do this more than once for a while, but it's important that we talk now, too.

Being asked questions here helps so much because I just can't seem to find enough distance to sort through it all clearly and rationally.

Adlham posted 3/24/2021 15:26 PM

Huh. Didn't even have to think about that. That all just burst out like NTV's farts LOL

Notthevictem posted 3/24/2021 17:00 PM

Well, so, the questions help. Maybe you could start by asking your kids questions and see what they've experienced?

If it's something they haven't, then awareness is different than warning ya know?

Always, depending on age, you might have to phrase it in an age appropriate way.

Adlham posted 4/21/2021 02:43 AM

Well. I didn't mean to be away so long.

I've been dealing with some really heavy shit with my kids and their school.

I can't get into right this minute because I'm so fucking tired.

I hurt so much and I cannot scream loud enough, long enough, or hard enough to make it go away.

My kids are physically ok, no abuse, just other stuff that has completely broken my heart.

What do you do when your kids tell you their school makes them so miserable that they don't want to wake up?

I'm really not ok.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this.

I'm so tired of crying.

Adlham posted 4/21/2021 02:45 AM

Let's just say racists are gonna racist and leave it at that for now.

sisoon posted 4/21/2021 10:24 AM

(((Adlham))) - a hug, if it will help.

zebra25 posted 4/21/2021 10:33 AM


BearlyBreathing posted 4/21/2021 10:44 AM

Well f&ck. I hate reading that and I just donít understand. I have no advice other than keep loving them. What options for other schools are nearby?

Adlham posted 4/23/2021 01:50 AM

All right, I think I can do this now.

Deep breath.

So a teen boy and a couple of his friends said something really sexually explicit to my daughter.
I'm not going to repeat it. Suffice to say it was really fucking gross.

She was already going through a lot for being part Japanese. The fucking school counselor had a few things to say to my kid that were unprofessional and unacceptable. She's been reported, it was that bad.

So back to creeper boy...she called me to pick her up early and was really upset. She told me what happened. I'm really not sure how I didn't blow a gasket. Go me for finally thinking first, I guess.

My husband ended up going to the school. I told him that I didn't care who dealt with it but he should know that if it was going to be me, it was going to be really ugly and I don't care.

I'm just so pissed that I want to burn it all to the motherfucking ground.

Fortunately, my husband is a much better person than I am. He told the school that he didn't want them suspended. He wanted this to be an opportunity for the boys to learn and grow. That we expect the parents to be told, as well.

The school was amenable to that. Though they are giving the boys a day to tell their parents, themselves, before the school calls.

I think it's fair and reasonable. It's actually a really good plan, full of so much more grace than I am capable of.

Especially when it comes to my kids.

I have cried and cried every single night for the last few weeks after everyone else is asleep. It feels like my heart has turned inside out.

I'm so angry

Adlham posted 4/23/2021 02:03 AM

My child is so defeated today & it breaks my heart.
She stayed home from school because she didn't want to face the boy who said sexually explicit things to her.
We're so proud of her for being brave & telling us.
BUT why the fuck should she feel bad or ashamed?
Goddamnit, I am sick & tired of the female of the species being expected to bear the burden of males.
No, I'm sorry, but "boys will be boys" is unfuckingacceptable.
I'm so angry & I'm so sad & I just want to rage at the world.
I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to get through it all without going completely losing my mind.

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