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Wife cheated with my "best friend"

Pages: 1 · 2

Cooley2here posted 3/18/2021 21:46 PM

I cannot come up with a single reason why someone would send nude pictures of themselves to ANYONE. If your wife is unstable it might not be a good idea to tell her but that jackass can send those pictures anywhere in the world. To anyone. At any time.
Tell his wife right this minute. You are participating in a lie of epic proportions every second you keep this from her.

longsadstory1952 posted 3/18/2021 22:38 PM

I’m lost. She fucked your friend six years ago? How old are your kids?

And nothing happens again until a year ago or so? And they go at it for nine months?

And during the last six years they are in contact all the time? But nothing happens during those first five years?

Um, you do see the disconnect right? DNA your kids right now. Tell the other wife the truth. This screams that there is way more.

Tell your wife you want a polygraph.

These are too many gaps and too much to ignore.

I hate to say it but it looks to me like you are being kept in the dark by three people. This is twisted sick shit.

Find your anger. It will be your friend. I see no reason why you should stay in the situation you are in now.

As for your wife, she has lied to you for so long in so many ways it looks like if she ever accidentally found herself telling the truth, she’d tell a lie to keep her hand in.

And her suicide attempt to avoid consequences seems to have worked too. Pretty convenient wouldn’t you say? Do you really think it was real?

You are in the arena and can judge best, but there is something very very off here.

DBFool2019 posted 3/19/2021 07:06 AM

To clarify: based on all of the responses I received on Reddit yesterday, I decided I should tell AP's wife and I intend to discuss it with my wife soon.

Do NOT discuss this with your wife. Just tell the OBS.

You wll find out pretty fast if they are still in contact.

Also, maybe consider a new therapist, this one seems to be pro-affair.

DeWittle posted 3/19/2021 07:31 AM

Who pushed for the move to the area near your friend after you ETSed? Thank you for your service.

throwawawsp1229 posted 3/19/2021 07:54 AM

Who pushed for the move to the area near your friend after you ETSed? Thank you for your service.

Nobody really pushed for it. My ex friend did reach out to me before I got out and told me about the job his wife started here and suggested I apply. I applied there along with a bunch of other places. Out of the few offers I got, they offered the best pay/benefits for the cost of living in the area. I had 3 other offers at different locations, but they were less pay, less job security, and higher cost of living areas.

My wife said she didn't wanna come here because of the weather, which is absolutely terrible, but in hindsight maybe she knew she was weak and was trying to avoid him without telling me.

throwawawsp1229 posted 3/19/2021 08:04 AM

@longsadstory1952,

2 kids were had before I met him. One after we transferred to different duty stations. We lived thousands of miles apart during those 6 years cause I got transferred halfway around the world. So, there was an affair I didn't know about when we were stationed together, he wasn't married at this time. We both transferred, they probably stayed in touch. Then after the military (6 years later), I got a new job near him and his wife. They jumped right back in, 9 months after moving here I found out.

Who's the third person?

WalkingHome posted 3/19/2021 08:18 AM

I am going to be direct BLUF-


You were wronged in a treasonous way. You come from an honor based culture and lived a standards based life in a meritocracy.


You will never be ok with this.


Your pain and that nagging in your stomach is your body telling you to take decisive action to right the wrong or get away from it.


You can stay...and live a life of flat, dead, ambivalence with someone you will never trust and never fully love as a wife...or you can D her and suffer, but have an end to that suffering.


At least with the D, the suffering ends and you get to build a clean life. If you stay, your mirror will haunt you every time you look at it because you know what honor is, what it means to have standards, and to live a life based on values.


Listen to your body and D her. She is red force, not blue force.

longsadstory1952 posted 3/19/2021 09:00 AM

I suspect the third person is is wife who pretends everything is ok making small talk. Given that you and your wife have cut off the friends, she has to suspect or know something.

Tigersrule77 posted 3/19/2021 09:09 AM

Tell the OBS.

Request a complete written timeline from your WW. Have OBS request a complete written timeline from OM. If they don't match, you know someone is lying. You can't really trust either one of them, but if they match, it is possible they are giving you the full truth. It would also be possible that they colluded on the bullshit story. It will be up to you to decide.

DeWittle posted 3/19/2021 09:23 AM

Edited to remove personal information.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 9:51 AM, March 19th (Friday)]

Westway posted 3/19/2021 09:25 AM

You are not in the military anymore. You don't have to ask permission to do what you need to do to clean the weeds out of your life. For nearly your entire marriage your WW has been lying and hiding. She has never had your best interests at heart and has proven she is deceitful and manipulative.

Stop giving into her weeping and crying. All women can cry on demand. It means nothing. You need to go this alone and forge your own path out of adultery. Inform the OM's wife of what he and your WW did so that she can make the informed decision that you never got the chance to make.

[This message edited by Westway at 9:26 AM, March 19th (Friday)]

guvensiz posted 3/19/2021 09:35 AM

I want closure from my "best friend". I've tried reaching out to him a few times. I know he saw the messages but he doesn't respond. I feel like I need to hear the actual truth from him to help me recover. And if he tells me more than what my wife has said then I know she is still keeping things from me after she was supposed to have divulged all info. I still have a lot of questions and suspicions that my WS was either unable or unwilling to answer.

You can't take the word of cheaters, neither your wife nor her AP. Don't try to reach him, just expose them to his wife, then she can tell you his story, of course it will be full of lies, too. But you can confront your WW at least, and they can see how each throw the other under the bus.
If all you know is enough to get a D, you don't need to know more. But if you consider R, you need to know the whole truth. And you can't get the whole truth by talking her. Even if she tells the truth, you can't believe her and be satisfied until she tells you the worst. There will be always the question of "if there is more?" in your mind. And even the moment you say "okay, it can't be worse than that, now I believe" it could be worse than that. Therefore, you need concrete evidence. Some part of it you already have for instance, the messages...You can recover her electronic devices trough some apps. The OBS can also provide you some concrete evidences. You can put VAR on her car and house where she makes her phonecalls.
All this may not be enough for you to reveal the whole truth. The effective action you can do is to take her the polygraph test. You can be sure that any minute you don't do this will be a waste of time. You don't know yet, but it's proven in many cases we come across on this site.

Wish you the best.

Bigger posted 3/19/2021 09:49 AM

What if your wife tells you they had sex X times and the affair lasted Y months and that the sex was OK but “traditional”?
It might be true – might be a lie – but part (a LARGE PART) of reconciliation is getting the WS to realize that TRUTH is of the ultimate importance and that we – the BS – can more-or-less recover from the truth but are destroyed by the lies.

Then your ex friend – who really has nothing to lose but is really angry because now his wife knows and she’s giving him all levels of h@ll for the affair tells you the affair was for 10Y months, they had sex 100X times and that your wife begged for it, constantly talked about how much bigger he was “down there”, how she screamed and did all sorts of sexually deviant acts with him…
It might be true – might be a lie – but really little or no way to verify. He could say all that simply to hurt you. Simply to lash out and cause pain. He has nothing to lose and little to gain from telling you the truth, and even if he did you have no way of verifying it.

There is NO closure to be had with the OM. None at all.

survrus posted 3/19/2021 11:40 AM


About the OM report him to the inspector general, since he had sex with your WW while you were both in the service, he was disloyal to his country and can be court marshaled according to the UCMJ.

Sorry no pension, or VA benefits, oh yea not sorry.

Have your WW write out a timeline and then take a polygraph, this is not an affair, but a second marriage and a secret second life.

Gather your evidence and print it out for OMW do not allow OM to spin a story that you are a jealous and crazy H.

The1stWife posted 3/19/2021 16:22 PM

This double betrayal is the worst!!!!

What a despicable person. And I’m sorry you were lied to by him.

RealityBlows posted 3/19/2021 17:34 PM

This is what we call a double betrayal. Betrayed by your "Best Friend" and your "Wife". Then, you may find yourself betrayed by her blood family, some of your mutual friends, even your own children as everyone scrambles to choose sides or, avoid choosing sides and thus isolating you.

Brace yourself. Protect yourself and your dignity. Base every move hence fourth on self respect and determination. Do what's right for you. Not her. Not the Marriage. Not your family's reputation. Not the finances. Not the kids. For you and YOUR future.

I want closure from my "best friend". I've tried reaching out to him a few times.

He's not your friend-Never was. Compare notes and collect intel from him with extreme caution for reasons Bigger advises above. He has the ability to hurt you, badly. Think like Clarice interviewing Dr Lector.

We attempted marriage counseling but I hate it.

MC is most usually not advised at this point. Cheating requires Individual Counseling (IC) for her. Premature MC could falsely imply that the cheating was the fault of the state of the marriage with degrees of blame placed on the BS. This should not be tolerated. The WS must first figure out her fundamental reasons for deciding to cheat, without blame shifting or rug sweeping, then begin fixing those causal factors deep within her before you two can begin fixing the marriage. Everyone has issues within their marriage that requires repair and maintenance but, not everyone resorts to cheating as a remedy. She must first make herself a safe and trustworthy marital partner before trying to repair the marriage.

I've decided, based on the advice of my therapist, to not tell her(OBS) or bring it up

I do not agree with this-at all. As others have already stated, there are multiple reasons to tell the OBS. It is morally-ethically the right thing to do. She has a right to know. She maybe able to coordinate with you, share notes, on what she has observed from her perspective. She can serve as an extra pair of eyes to monitor the situation. She can redirect the AP's attention away from your wife back onto his own marriage. Don't let the AP or your WS get ahead of you and poison the well before you can contact her.

From what I've gathered from your story, it appears your WS has been cheating to some degree throughout most of your marriage.

You probably only know the tip of the ice burg. As is the case with most-if not all, affairs.

Continue to gather past and present intel on what happened and pay close attention to what is ongoing. It's common for affairs to be temporarily paused or, they are continued underground.

While you're deciding what to do (R or D) ensure there is absolute NC. Make sure there is full disclosure. You can't possibly consider R if you have little idea what you're being asked to reconcile or eventually forgive. Make an informed decision as you should with ANY high risk investment-gamble, before committing to R. Yes, reconciliation is very high risk. The prerequisites for genuine R exclude most WS's.

WalkingHome posted 4/13/2021 11:14 AM

How are things going?

RocketRaccoon posted 4/13/2021 21:24 PM

throwawawsp1229,

Do not seek any 'closure' from your 'best friend' or your WS.

You are still thinking that you are dealing with a person that has some semblance of Honour, Duty, Loyalty. He has none of those qualities, and as such, is not bound to give you any truth, as he owes you nothing, but will make you owe him loads. Good chance he will keep stringing you along with a promise to give you 'closure', just to keep you in his control, and to see you squirm and beg.

He happily slept with your wife, and loved keeping you in the dark. Why would he want to tell you any truth?

Ultimately, Closure cannot be found externally, and it can only be found within oneself. It is making peace with yourself, knowing yourself, being confident of yourself.


Mene posted 4/13/2021 23:03 PM

He’s not a friend. He’s a bastard. He’s the enemy. Treat him that way.

Bonetired posted 4/14/2021 09:33 AM

I hope things are going well for you.I am sorry to hear about what has happened to you.If I could point out the advice from one of the others.I agree with them you should start putting a plan I place even if that isn't your intent to make sure both the wife and yourself will be ok in the event of a divorce.It sounds like your wife has been practicing deception for a long time.The mental implications are impossible to fathom.I do hope she tries IC and fix what's broken in her.When it's that long and deep sometimes it can be a difficult if not an impossible battle.Not saying she can't do it though.From what it sounds like she may not even be able to be completely honest with you even if she wanted.She might believe some of her own lies.I would feel justified if in your position taking steps others suggested such as strategically placed VAR's.Maybe a GPS system set up in her vehicle or on her phone.Be careful though There are some laws in place and so research before you try this.Her broken psyche didn't just start with the discovery of this affair though.She has been this way for a very long time.It's easy for people to become enraged when they hear stories like this because they have been through it.People just want to scream at the top of their lungs at you hoping to help you escape the crap they went through.I would advise getting things in order methodically and making sure you are ready.There may be a whole lot more truth to discover and more losses along the way.It helps to minimize the damage if it's coming.Also thank you for your service.

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