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I am a terrible wife and my AP is crazy

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

madeamistake posted 3/8/2021 08:51 AM

Hello, new user here.
I can't talk to anyone about what's happening in my life and this site seems like a good opportunity to get opinions from third parties to get out of this chaos.

Just a little context: husband and I have been married 5 years (togheter 8 years). Our marriage is generally good, we got along well, no financial problems etc. Unfortunately our sex life has stalled after having our son. Apart from that our life is happy, we work as a team and we are two excellent parents to our son. I know it may seem strange what I am about to say and that many will not believe me but I am still in love with my husband. Obviously the emotions are not like the ones i felt in the beginningn of our relationship but there is a lot of affection for him.

I have never been unfaithful until 6 months ago. During a corporate event i met one of my husband's colleague (he is his superior at work), whom he had told me a lot about (they're not friends but they know each other for a couple of years). From the first moment i saw him i was incredibly attracted: he's so tall and handsome, extremely confident and charismatic, he's the type of guy that takes what he want.
I'm ashamed to say it but he's the classic guy who gets a lot of female attention. He knows he is very attractive and for some reason this made him irresistible in my eyes.

Long story short, After exchanging numbers, we began to text each other. It's a cliché to admit it but his attentions flattered me. He was romantic and sweet at first (a surprise considering the kind of man he is). His attention was like a drug, I spent my days waiting for a message or a phone call. Looking back, I should have stopped everything and ended this inappropriate relationship, and then talked about it with my husband.
But after a month I accepted his invitation for a drink. I knew I was wrong but I thought I could control myself but in the end he managed to kiss me and I kissed him back. After that kiss I tried weakly to end our relationship but after a couple of days he came back to contact me by phone and I gave in. After a few days we ended up in bed together.

For about 5 months we have been having this relationship where we meet 2 or 3 times a week. Ours is a purely physical relationship. I'm ashamed to admit it but the sex between us is great. Surely the fact that ours is an illicit and secret relationship increases the excitement but I have never felt this way with anyone.


I have always told him that I would not leave my husband for him and he has always respected this fact.

The point is that right from the start he seems really turned on to do thigs to humiliate my husband, like he always want to meet me at our place and have sex in our marital bed and all over the place, during sex he always try to verbally humiliate my husband very badly. I am so ashamed to admit it but I have allowed this to happen.
But he always seem to want to find new ideas to mess with my husband.

I can't recognize myself for what I've done. During those months I seem to be another person and I am disgusted with myself. I should never have given in and at least have the decency to respect my husband and son and do not allow this man to enter our house to fulfill his sick fantasies.

After the last of his ideas I have had enough and I want to end this stupid relationship. I informed him of this and he took it badly. He began to say that he is in love with me (I know very well that it is not true, he only loves himself) and he subtly threatened me to confess everything to my husband.

My lover turned out to be a lousy and terrible person. A man who stops at nothing or anyone to get what he wants. I asked him to leave my husband and me alone and begged him to consider my son and how this could ruin his childhood.From his answes i can see him as a madman right now, how did I not notice it before.

I know what I've done is horrible. I look at my husband and my son and I feel like I'm dying inside. I have been selfish in pursuing my needs and now I risk ruining the lives of the people I love the most.


I want to put myself in therapy, I want to eliminate my lover from my life and focus on what really matters: my family.


The big problem is that I can't hide what happened to my husband. He doesn't suspect anything and has always trusted me. I can no longer live with this sense of guilt and I would like to confess everything to him. I am willing to accept the consequences of what I have done. I don't want to get divorced, I am willing to do whatever it takes to heal my husband and save our family.It's not fair to keep such a secret from my husband. I intend to confess everything but I am afraid of hurting him terribly. I don't know whether to include even the worst details or tell him a embelished version. Just the thought of lying to him again makes me suffer

My situation is a disaster, I would do anything to go back and change what happened. Every now and then I have terrible thoughts in my head and I think my husband and son would be better off without me.

[This message edited by madeamistake at 9:21 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

asc1226 posted 3/8/2021 09:18 AM

No stop sign.

First of all your choice of username. Get the idea that this was a mistake out of your head. Thats a wayward mindset. A mistake is taking a wrong turn or burning the toast. You have made thousands of decisions large and small to cheat on your husband and lie to continue your affair. Never use that word when you discuss your choice to have an affair.

When you confess to your husband you’ll have to let him decide how much detail he wants to hear. DO NOT LIE TO HIM. It’s possible that your affair has not ended your relationship with your husband, but lying to him about it will. No small lies, no omissions.

DictumVeritas posted 3/8/2021 09:35 AM

No stop sign.

Edited my post because flagellation is not helpful.

----------------------------------

OP, I suggest you ask the Moderators to place a STOP sign on this post.

Betrayed people like myself will be very harsh and you need guidance from former waywards here.

Your husband needs to know everything and you need to tell him before your AP does.

NO LIES, tell him everything.

----------------------------------
ETA:

Please, please get your husband to post here, he will definitely need the help he can get here.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 10:22 AM, March 8th (Monday)]

BluerThanBlue posted 3/8/2021 09:45 AM

You don't have a choice about whether or not to tell your husband. Your AP is holding the emotional equivalent of a nuclear bomb over your heads, so you need to sound the alarm before it drops. Tell your husband the truth: The person, how it started, the number of incidents, and the length of the affair.

If he asks for any specific details (such as location, acts performed, etc) tell him exactly what he wants to know. Do not make minimize anything only for him to get the full truth from your AP, who will no doubt relish the opportunity to regal your husband with all his worst nightmares in full color.

I think what's particularly challenging about your situation is that your AP didn't desire you; you were nothing more than a vehicle through which he could humiliate and dominate your husband. Whether or not you will admit it to yourself, I think you also found this sexually thrilling; if you didn't, it would've turned you off.

For this reason, before you start promising your husband the moon and stars if he will be gracious enough to forgive you, stop and think about whether you want to stay married. Freaking out about your life changing drastically and panicking about the losing the status quo is not the same as being committed to your marriage.

The marriage that you will be living in going forward, if your husband decides to try to work things out, is going to MUCH different that the marriage you started out with before the affair. If all you really want is a return to normalcy and to forget this ever happened, do yourself and your husband a favor, and file the divorce papers now.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:51 AM, March 8th (Monday)]

HellFire posted 3/8/2021 09:59 AM

Excellent parent? Maybe before the affair. But you can not spend your days waiting on attention from another man,and still give your child the attention he needs.

You brought this man into the family home. Your child's home.

You betrayed your child as well. Now you worry about his future? When a parent cheats, they are the one who risk their children's family,and their happiness.

You. Not him.

That aside, you must confess all to your husband. You really have no choice. Your AP will, if you don't.

Don't try to blame the AP, or your husband. The fault lies solely at your feet.

Tell him about the messages, the pics, how you and AP humiliated him. Where,and when. Dont erase anything. Your husband can use those messages to verify you are telling the truth.

You also need to be tested for stds. Your husband as well.

It's good that you want to confess. That will help you in the long run.

HellFire posted 3/8/2021 10:01 AM

Also, share this site with your husband. He will need our support.

Underserving posted 3/8/2021 10:02 AM

BS here. If you would like to only hear from waywards, you can request to have a stop sign added to your post.

Of course he is mad you are ending the A. He was literally getting off on humiliating your husband. Now you’re saying you want to stop, and are choosing your BH. This doesn’t satisfy his narcissistic mindset that he’s better than your husband. I’m glad you’re seeing him as the POS he is, and I hope you are able to actually end it for good.

You are in for a long and tumultuous ride. Your actions are going to take years for your BH to heal from. He might not choose to stay in the marriage, and that would 100% be a valid decision. He is more than likely going to be traumatized by the extent of your disrespect and betrayal. IF he does agree to try for reconciliation, you better be willing to accept that it’s going to take a long ass time to rebuild what you have absolutely obliterated.

I can’t speak to the wayward mindset that you are still in. I know others will be along to offer their thoughts and advice. Tell your husband the truth. Today. Immediately. He deserves to know.

BigNoob posted 3/8/2021 10:11 AM

B.S. here

You need to confess to your husband!


We had a poster here some years ago who was in the same situation as you having seen with her husband's boss. Her AP sounds almost like yours. Her husband was part of the S.W.AT team and her AP was sending him to the more dangerous parts of the city to continue his affair.


I would not be surprised if your AP is giving him more work hours to continue the affair with you. Also would not be surprised if he is doing this to other people working under him. Get a STD test!


[This message edited by BigNoob at 10:22 AM, March 8th (Monday)]

DaddyDom posted 3/8/2021 10:27 AM

@madeamistake,

Welcome to SI. My first advice to you, especially as a new WS here, is to ask the mods to add the stop sign to your post. The stop sign means that only other WS's can respond to your post, not BS's.

I'm proud of you for wanting the do the right thing and confess to your husband. It is hard, it is scary, and you need to be prepared for the worst. It is however, the right thing to do, and if your intention is to try and convince him to reconcile with you, it can be helpful to confess. It at least shows some understanding and ownership of what you did, as well as a willingness to throw yourself under the bus in order to make things right.

If you haven't already, look for a book called "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", it be found easily online or even for free in PDF form. It is "the handbook" for what you need to do in the short term (and long term).

I would also recommend checking out "The healing library", see the link in the top left corner of this page.

Recovering from an affair is never easy. Recovery time is often stated in years, from 2-5 just to get to a point where healing can really begin for most folks. For now, focus on being honest with him. Tell the whole story. Don't leave out things he should know even if they will likely hurt him. If there is one thing almost everyone agrees on here, it is that truth is paramount. Nothing is more damaging to reconciliation then getting into the process, only to have the WS "trickle truth" some details, which sends the BS right back "to the start" of how things felt.

I would suggest getting a therapist as soon as possible. Start to work on "why" this happened. What in your past allowed you to not have the healthy boundaries and self-respect that would have prevented this? For many of us, that requires a lot of introspection and digging, and a lot of work spent changing those paradigms into something "safer".

At the end of the day, if you wish to try and reconcile your marriage, doing so will begin with you. You must prove to your spouse, through deeds and actions, as well as words (you will quickly learn that words are meaningless at this point) that you safe for him to be around. As long as you struggle with the same lack of boundaries, you are not safe.

As a special added benefit of all this work however, there is good news to possibly be had. I can tell you that the process of healing from this can remove a lot of "Crap" from your life, and chances are good that the crap that got into this predicament was also making you miserable and unsafe in other areas of your life as well. Learning to love and respect yourself, and creating healthy boundaries, makes EVERYTHING in your life better, and is a good way to hopefully open the door to the possibility of successful R.

Good luck to you, keep coming back.

GiggleLoopMayor posted 3/8/2021 10:37 AM

No stop sign, i just wanted to say the disrespect might just be a marriage killer. I was in the same scenario with an AP that actively wanted to disrespect me and more so that the fact that me wife let it happen was what killed the marriage. This was no mistake, and at no point did you not understand AP wanted to humiliate your husband. To agree and go along with that is callous and no amount of fog will cover for it. You seem dead set on not wanting to lose your marriage but you gave it up quite willingly. Youre absolutely blowing up not only your husbands home life but his work life as well, please do not go into this expecting reconciliation.

TheLostOne2020 posted 3/8/2021 10:49 AM

No stop sign.

madeamistake

I know it may seem strange what I am about to say and that many will not believe me but I am still in love with my husband.

+

I have never been unfaithful until 6 months ago. During a corporate event i met one of my husband's colleague (he is his superior at work), whom he had told me a lot about (they're not friends but they know each other for a couple of years). From the first moment i saw him i was incredibly attracted: he's so tall and handsome, extremely confident and charismatic, he's the type of guy that takes what he want.
I'm ashamed to say it but he's the classic guy who gets a lot of female attention. He knows he is very attractive and for some reason this made him irresistible in my eyes.

Long story short, After exchanging numbers, we began to text each other. It's a cliché to admit it but his attentions flattered me. He was romantic and sweet at first (a surprise considering the kind of man he is). His attention was like a drug, I spent my days waiting for a message or a phone call. Looking back, I should have stopped everything and ended this inappropriate relationship, and then talked about it with my husband.

I think it's safe to say I don't believe you. In fact, I'm curious as to what you mean when you say you love your husband. For a start it seems as though you didn't hesitate to engage in an inappropriate relationship with this guy - was the humiliation of your husband part of the thrill? I say this because you met the guy and, what, sought out his phone number? That was an intentional act of yours. You meet the guy and instantly get his number. You knew what you were doing. This wasn't a 'mistake'.

But after a month I accepted his invitation for a drink. I knew I was wrong but I thought I could control myself but in the end he managed to kiss me and I kissed him back. After that kiss I tried weakly to end our relationship but after a couple of days he came back to contact me by phone and I gave in. After a few days we ended up in bed together.

You couldn't control yourself to the extent that you got his number the first time you met him. I think the truth is you knew full well that you would sleep with him. You didn't care about your husband at all - this was all about you. At this point were you thinking of just exchanging your husband for this guy or did you think you could abuse your husband any way you wanted to and he'd always stick with you?

I'm ashamed to admit it but the sex between us is great. Surely the fact that ours is an illicit and secret relationship increases the excitement but I have never felt this way with anyone.

So this is the first time you cheated? I ask this since you say this was the first time you felt this way about someone, so I suspect you haven't abused other people in your prior relationships by cheating on them.

I have always told him that I would not leave my husband for him and he has always respected this fact.

The point is that right from the start he seems really turned on to do thigs to humiliate my husband, like he always want to meet me at our place and have sex in our marital bed and all over the place, during sex he always trash talk my husband very badly. I am so ashamed to admit it but I have allowed this to happen.
But he always seem to want to find new ideas to mess with my husband.

I mean, right, he's not going to stick with you if you leave your husband. I think that's completely obvious from the get-go. This was all about humiliating and abusing your husband for the both of you. That's what made it so intense and so thrilling. To take a man who has been good to you and to abuse that trust and love in the worst way possible. That's why you enjoyed it. Otherwise it would have turned your stomach and you wouldn't have been able to continue.

I can't recognize myself for what I've done. During those months I seem to be another person and I am disgusted with myself. I should never have given in and at least have the decency to respect my husband and son and do not allow this man to enter our house to fulfill his sick fantasies.

Nope, this is exactly who you are, it's who you chose to be. My guess is that you finally realized that he wasn't interested in an actual relationship with you so now you are trying to go back to your 'plan b', your husband who you swore vows of fidelity with.

After the last of his ideas I have had enough and I want to end this stupid relationship. I informed him of this and he took it badly. He began to say that he is in love with me (I know very well that it is not true, he only loves himself) and he subtly threatened me to confess everything to my husband.

I don't believe this. This part doesn't square with the rest of it. My guess is that he ended it, not you. You were already content with abusing your husband.

My lover turned out to be a lousy and terrible person. A man who stops at nothing or anyone to get what he wants. I asked him to leave my husband and me alone and begged him to consider my son and how this could ruin his childhood.From his answes i can see him as a madman right now, how did I not notice it before.

I'm sorry but how could you be under the mistaken idea that an AP could be a good person? They are involved in deceit, abuse, and destroying a relationship...How could such a person be 'good' in any imaginable way?

You already ruined your relationship and abused both your husband and your child. Your AP didn't do this, you did. At this point your husband/child do not know the damage that you've caused.

I know what I've done is horrible. I look at my husband and my son and I feel like I'm dying inside. I have been selfish in pursuing my needs and now I risk ruining the lives of the people I love the most.

I'm sorry but you can't honestly say that you love your husband, at least not in the way that people generally mean the term 'love'. You abused him and got off on humiliating him.

The big problem is that I can't hide what happened to my husband.

Well now, I guess this is where we find out if you truly care about your husband. If you care about him you have to be honest with him. It's up to him whether or not he continues the relationship with you. Hopefully he will divorce you and leave his abuser.

He doesn't suspect anything and has always trusted me. I can no longer live with this sense of guilt and I would like to confess everything to him.

It's interesting that this is still all about you - it's about *your sense of guilt*. NOT about your husband deserving to know the truth.

I am willing to accept the consequences of what I have done. I don't want to get divorced, I am willing to do whatever it takes to heal my husband and save our family.It's not fair to keep such a secret from my husband. I intend to confess everything but I am afraid of hurting him terribly. I don't know whether to include even the worst details or tell him a embelished version. Just the thought of lying to him again makes me suffer

You've already hurt him terribly. He should leave you. You need to internalize both those things. You also need to come clean about EVERYTHING. Do not lie to protect yourself under the guise of 'shielding him from the pain'.

My situation is a disaster, I would do anything to go back and change what happened. Every now and then I have terrible thoughts in my head and I think my husband and son would be better off without me.

I'm not sure you would change things, but that's beside the point.

hikingout posted 3/8/2021 10:55 AM

Fellow WS.

I would echo the sentiments above. You didn't make a mistake, you made a series of bad decisions. I am not telling you that to publicly flog you or anything, I am telling you that because you need work on your accountability here that your husband needs you to have.

Start with reading "how to help your spouse heal from infidelity". This is important.

You should get into IC immediately. Start working on your whys and hows. These should be internal to you. Why you wanted to do this besides the external reasons. Have you built up resentments in your marriage that has let you believe you are entitled to this relationship? In what ways is your integrity fallible. How were you comfortable having this relationship. These are not questions to answer for me, these are the keys to figuring out how you can be a safer partner in the future and to give you a list of things you need to work on.

You do need to confess this to your husband for many reasons. One, he does deserve to know and make decisions on his own fruition. But, the work you need to do on yourself doesn't allow you to go on without confessing. You need to restore your integrity, and it can't be restored holding this secret. Affairs can create a lot of shame and guilt, you can not heal while keeping those emotions long term. Right now they are there and helpful because they will precipitate change.

But, longer term, it's about becoming more aware of what is missing inside of you, what voids you are trying to fill and why. This is what will help the most.

When you confess, you must tell him everything. Do not hold onto any lies because often what kills the relationships chances is not just the cheating but what happens in the aftermath.

I do recommend you ask for a stop sign. The BS of this site are wonderful people and will be able to help you with all sorts of things when you are trying to help your husband. Right now though, you need to come to terms with yourself and sometimes its too overwhelming at first to face everything at once.

Make an IC appointment today. Keep posting.

guvensiz posted 3/8/2021 10:57 AM

Be honest with yourself.
You didn't make mistake, you chose to cheat your husband in the worst possible way.From the very first encounter you knew where it was going, and you didn't hesitate for a moment. You wanted this as much as AP, even more than him.

I know it may seem strange what I am about to say and that many will not believe me but I am still in love with my husband.

Many? I don't think you can find a single person who can believe this. Except for the cheaters who made themselves believe in this lie, of course.

I have always told him that I would not leave my husband for him and he has always respected this fact.

Oh, what a respectful gentleman! Why would he want you to leave your husband? He just wants to eat his cake. Do you really believe that he loves you and you are the one and only? You are just a tick on his list. Considering this pleasure of humiliating your husband, the others also are probably married women.

If your husband told this story as a BS, I would tell him to divorce without even thinking for a minute. But now I'm not even sure whether you should tell him or not. This will kill him, you can't even imagine. And I can't suggest you kill an innocent person.
I wish you knew how I was full of hatred towards you and sorry for your husband just as I wrote this.
Normally I wouldn't write this here but I want you to understand. You are on the other side of the world, I do not know you, I do not love you, we do not have a child that we adore, my only dream about the future is not our family, you are not my only support and my everything. If what you did makes me feel this way, can you imagine how he will feel?
I suggest you get out of his life as painlessly as possible somehow.

TheLostOne2020 posted 3/8/2021 11:02 AM

GiggleLoopMayor

No stop sign, i just wanted to say the disrespect might just be a marriage killer. I was in the same scenario with an AP that actively wanted to disrespect me and more so that the fact that me wife let it happen was what killed the marriage. This was no mistake, and at no point did you not understand AP wanted to humiliate your husband. To agree and go along with that is callous and no amount of fog will cover for it. You seem dead set on not wanting to lose your marriage but you gave it up quite willingly. Youre absolutely blowing up not only your husbands home life but his work life as well, please do not go into this expecting reconciliation.

I have to agree here. Not only did the OP torch the marriage and damage her family she screwed up her husband's career.

This was not a mistake. OP knew what she was doing and knew that the AP sought to humiliate her husband.

OP gave up her marriage in the most brutal and worse way possible.

TheLostOne2020 posted 3/8/2021 11:12 AM

guvensiz

But now I'm not even sure whether you should tell him or not. This will kill him, you can't even imagine. And I can't suggest you kill an innocent person.

I actually had the same thought, that she should just divorce him and keep the affair to herself.

The problem is that the other guy is almost certainly going to tell OP's husband.

Normally I wouldn't write this here but I want you to understand. You are on the other side of the world, I do not know you, I do not love you, we do not have a child that we adore, my only dream about the future is not our family, you are not my only support and my everything. If what you did makes me feel this way, can you imagine how he will feel?
I suggest you get out of his life as painlessly as possible somehow.

I sympathize with this, however I don't think there is a way for OP to get out of his life without damaging his. She's made sure to inflict the most possible damage she could.

WilliamM posted 3/8/2021 11:18 AM

BS here. I will be as gentle and honest as a I can. So here goes.

The point is that right from the start he seems really turned on to do thigs to humiliate my husband, like he always want to meet me at our place and have sex in our marital bed and all over the place, during sex he always trash talk my husband very badly. I am so ashamed to admit it but I have allowed this to happen.

This will be almost impossible to get over. You allowed him to humiliate your husband. YOU. The affair is terrible and can be a deal breaker. But what you did (a choice, not a mistake) and allowed him to do is crushing. There is no getting over this. There is no coming back from this. If he does decide to try and save the marriage with you, just remember, this will always be with him. If you decide to divorce, this will always be with him.

I suggest that you get rid of that bed. Get rid of the sheets and anything that you allowed the AP to use to humiliate your husband. Tell your husband everything. Sadly, he will know that you do not respect him. Why do I say this? Because you allowed a man to humiliate him because he looked good, told you to, and because the sex was great. It is hard for me to understand. I have seen gorgeous women, but to lose your way because of it? I don't understand. No one is that beautiful, that handsome. Help me understand.

I'm ashamed to admit it but the sex between us is great. Surely the fact that ours is an illicit and secret relationship increases the excitement but I have never felt this way with anyone.

Learning that the sex with the AP was better than with your husband will also be crushing. I am telling you this because I have read it here time and time again. I also have experienced this and knows how I felt when I learned of my wife's affair. This part will crush him. Understand that. Grasp the full extent of what you did so you can better empathize with the pain you will see your BH go through once he learns of what you did.

And also be willing to tell HR about what you and that bastard did. Be willing to defend your husband completely. Even if the marriage ends in divorce, defend him from anyone that would say a bad word against him. Report this to HR. If he is married, tell his wife. Blow his world up. But most importantly, be there for your BH as much as he will allow because he will need it.

This0is0Fine posted 3/8/2021 11:35 AM

Also a BS here.

I would just go ahead and prepare a complete timeline of you affair in writing with a fairly high level of detail. This way there will be no confusion and no "trickle truth". The desire to embellish and half-admit is extremely damaging.

I would also, for your sake, take a more active voice in the decision you made. Yes the affair is like a drug, but know that you made these choices.

"After that kiss I tried weakly to end our relationship but after a couple of days he came back to contact me by phone and I gave in. After a few days we ended up in bed together."

This sort of passive voice is just some real hard bullshit to deal with for the betrayed spouse. You didn't "end up in bed together". You decided to sleep with another man.

A more accurate version is:

"After that kiss, I knew I had already crossed a relationship boundary and should have turned back. I ignored my instincts and continued to pursue a relationship with him. After a short mutual courtship, I decided to sleep with him."

You are going to have to acknowledge your responsibility in how this whole thing played out.

I wish you the best of luck despite the fact that you blew up your marriage. Coming clean is the right thing to do.

EDIT TO ADD: Your name "madeamistake" is going to be a massive trigger for some folks around here...

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:35 AM, March 8th (Monday)]

Jorge posted 3/8/2021 11:35 AM


Would like to challenge a couple of your statements so that authenticity is part of your responses moving forward and especially towards your husband.

1) He knows he is very attractive and for some reason this made him irresistible in my eyes.

It's probable you were wayward and unknowingly was ripe to execute an affair prior to meeting your affair partner. Irresistibility is essentially saying, you could not resist. That's not the mindset of a safe and faithful spouse. The vulnerability irresistibility imposes is "checked" by faithful and safe spouses. At the very moment you needed to counter or "check" your irresistibility, you chose yourself and AP and obviously not your marriage, husband and family. AP won. Family lost.
2)Looking back, I should have stopped everything and ended this inappropriate relationship, and then talked about it with my husband.

Actually, you're a little late here as well as insincere. There never should have been anything to stop actually. Stop means something is already moving. The reality is you should not have exchanged numbers in secret. Here's another moment you chose yourself and AP, which is the moment you contacted your husband after seeing meeting his superior and did not inform your husband of the exchange. If you did inform him then I retract this statement. If you did not tell your husband essentially you were telling everyone, yourself, your AP and your betrayed husband you were willing to maintain secret communication with your AP. Your characterization of it being late is off the mark. While talking with your husband would have been better than what transpired, you would still be telling your husband of your choices to engage in secret communications with HIS SUPERIOR.
3)I knew I was wrong but I thought I could control myself

Again, more evidence you were wayward before this moment. The AP didn't make you unfaithful. He was needed in order for your unfaithfulness to be acted out. If it weren't him, it would have been another "irresistible man".
4)For about 5 months we have been having this relationship where we meet 2 or 3 times a week

When you confess it's important convey truth. Don't start out by saying it was once a week when in fact it was two or three times that number. This will hurt him, but it's critically important to provide a number that doesn't minimize your transgressions.
5) Ours is a purely physical relationship

Your husband may see this as your willingness to trade your life, his career, the marriage and family for sex. Sex was your choice over him and the other things. I added his career because you've also placed the burden of having to quit his job to avoid being humiliated by having to work for the guy that had his wife as a toy. Having to leave a company as a professional has many unintended consequences including, but not limited to disruption of career growth, compensation loss depending on if he's able to find other work at or exceeding the level he's currently at. I used to be in the industry and am familiar with sudden and unplanned job change.
6) After that kiss I tried weakly to end our relationship but after a couple of days he came back to contact me by phone and I gave in. After a few days we ended up in bed together.

I can't precisely predict what your husband will be thinking so I'm just going to give you what I would be thinking. It's possible your husband can see what I see.

I would be insulted if you told me you tried to weakly end it. Now, I could see the kiss as making you realize you're entering into a second phase of the relationship, but to suggests you tried to end it would make me furious as I would read it as you attempting to gas light me with comments I might find to be reassuring.

7) I have always told him that I would not leave my husband for him and he has always respected this fact.

FYI......This was music to his ears. It was all about the sex for him and your declaration of devotion to your husband was exactly what he wanted to hear.
8)The point is that right from the start he seems really turned on to do thigs to humiliate my husband, like he always want to meet me at our place and have sex in our marital bed and all over the place, during sex he always trash talk my husband very badly. I am so ashamed to admit it but I have allowed this to happen.

If he tried to humiliate your husband, how do you know this? If he told you, then it wasn't just him that was party to this decision. You approved it as you stated. Again, you chose you and your AP over husband, home, marriage and family.
9) I should never have given in and at least have the decency to respect my husband and son and do not allow this man to enter our house to fulfill his sick fantasies
.
They weren't just his sick fantasies. You enjoyed them and while you didn't necessarily include your fantasy coming to fruition by your bedroom becoming ground zero, this irresistible man was YOUR fantasy and that is no less sick than your AP's fantasy to humiliate your husband while taking his wife in his bed. You enabled your AP's success in the humiliation of your husband.

Your husband will not have a safe harbor to soothe his mind movies and pain. The moment he arrives home he will be reminded of the desecration of his sacred home and bedroom. Be prepared to completely redo the bedroom and anywhere else the sex took place. This may or may not help.

10) My lover turned out to be a lousy and terrible person. A man who stops at nothing or anyone to get what he wants.

You knew this the moment you met him.
Your words:
he's the type of guy that takes what he want.

11) After the last of his ideas I have had enough and I want to end this stupid relationship. I informed him of this and he took it badly. He began to say that he is in love with me (I know very well that it is not true, he only loves himself) and he subtly threatened me to confess everything to my husband.

He loves the sex without complications. You're good for 2-3 times a week without having to be a husband or in a loving relationship. He doesn't want that to end.
12) A man who stops at nothing or anyone to get what he wants. I asked him to leave my husband and me alone and begged him to consider my son and how this could ruin his childhood.From his answers i can see him as a madman right now, how did I not notice it before.

His irresistibility had you mesmerized. How can you expect your AP to respect your potential loss of husband and family when you didn't? Again, he had you in your home. He doesn't flinch at obliterating boundaries because you were complicit in allowing both of you to operate without any being in place. He's just doing what you permitted. He never exhibited respect so you really can't expect him to have it now and especially when you never enforced respect for your husband or you.
13) My situation is a disaster, I would do anything to go back and change what happened. Every now and then I have terrible thoughts in my head and I think my husband and son would be better off without me.

You'll have to courageously meet all of your challenges for an indefinite amount of time.

cone5454 posted 3/8/2021 11:50 AM

You asked him to think about your son:
Think about this for a moment, your son that didn't matter to YOU when AP requested intimacy all over the domicil of your home. Your son that is at risk of finding himself in a broken home. You are now asking a madman of your doing to value your son more than you ever did. And he is the madman for not giving an iota of care about what this will do YOUR son.

For those months you seem to be a different person:
Victory has many fathers, Loss is an orphan; winston churchill. If what you did was in anyway honorable, you will scrimmage to let the world know to you alone goes the praise. When you unleash undue anguish to the people that should mean the most to you (husband and son), the blame then goes to your alternate identity that isn't you. You are a mature cognizant adult, there is no abdication of blame to any other entity but yourself for things you willingly do.

You asked him to leave you and your husband alone:
He never was part of your and your husband's life, he didn't have any right to be. He, however, got a boarding pass that was exclusively granted by YOU. He is now claming tenant rights because he was given unfiltered access to the most scarred aspect of your union. This is why marriage is a closed circuit where only the permited gets to stay.

After the last of his ideas you've had enough:
What were those ideas I wonder? It sits fairly well with you all the disrespectful things he already did with you thus far, but him asking even more egregious things is somewhat of a surprise to you? Monsters aren't born, they are made. He asked you delivered; he couldn't believe his luck so he asked for more, you still delivered iteratively. Here you stand puzzled by the monster you created.

The road you are looking at is a long one. There is a lot of work you will have to do to even start degloving the root causes of your behavior and your inaction about the circumstances surrounding it. Cheating with him is horrible but being ok with degradation of your husband and desecration of your matrimonial home borders insanity.

Ariopolis posted 3/8/2021 12:02 PM

No stop sign

From the first moment i saw him i was incredibly attracted

for some reason this made him irresistible in my eyes.

After exchanging numbers

we began to text each other.

his attentions flattered me

I spent my days waiting for a message or a phone call.

I accepted his invitation for a drink.

I knew I was wrong

he managed to kiss me

I kissed him back.

I tried weakly to end our relationship

contact me by phone and I gave in

we ended up in bed

we meet 2 or 3 times a week

the sex between us is great.

I have never felt this way with anyone.

he seems really turned on to do thigs to humiliate my husband

he always want to meet me at our place and have sex in our marital bed and all over the place, during sex he always trash talk my husband very badly. I am so ashamed to admit it but I have allowed this to happen.
But he always seem to want to find new ideas to mess with my husband.

After the last of his ideas I have had enough


I don't see what mistake you made. You made about a thousand choices here, all of which were to the goal of having an illicit relationship with your dreamboat.

You succeeded.

What was the "last of his ideas" that is a bridge too far here? It must have included sacrificing your husband to a volcano god because from what you wrote, you denied this guy nothing.

Please tell your husband, tell him every single act, thought, word, gesture, who knew, when, where and what and then send him to this site.

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