SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was flipping through the options on Bumble this morning, rejecting every single person almost immediately. None seemed even remotely appealing. Suddenly I realized: I'm looking for my X. I mean, I'm wistful for the person I thought he was, the mirage. I miss the mirage person I was in love with. It has been more than 30 years since I actively dated, and my deep imprint is for who I thought he was. That mirage is like a date archetype to my deep psyche.

Does that happen to you? Do you miss the mirage?

And how have you helped nudge yourself past that archetype so you can see other options?

I do miss the mirage. I miss who my ex presented to me for years before marrying him and my projections of who I wanted that never existed. I’m nowhere near dating, just have no desire. I know what I’m attracted to but that’s as far as I get as I cannot trust my picker plus I don’t want to deal with the nuances and compromises of a relationship. I’m enjoying my own company the best I guess

Great description. I am getting ready to try dating (is that vague enough?) but just looking around I know I feel that way too. Not sure how to get through it other than remembering that my ex was not the most handsome guy in the room- at least not until I got to know him. So much of attractiveness is tied to the personality and the chemistry.

Ive learned to deeply hate the mirage, the fakeness and duplicity of it all.

That is what keeps me from missing it.

If you love something that only exists in your own head, why not make you the best thing in your own head, and love that?

That way you'll never have to be dependent on another, failable human being for your own happiness.

This is easier said than done, and I know that deeply, but it is the work that MUST be done.

I am so sorry you are experiencing that. I do not do online dating but from what friends have said there are good platforms out there. I wonder if maybe you are just not interested in the people you are being presented with whereas you might be attracted to almost every single man you met, say, volunteering for a cause or charity you believed in or who you were matched with by a matchmaker.

ne thing I did to help me leave and move on was to keep a list of things he said and did to me. That evaporated the mirage for me.

Does that happen to you? Do you miss the mirage?

I actually got lucky and I avoided this mistake, this time.

Speaking in HUGE GENERALITIES (and from the perspective of someone who is straight), most of us end up with someone with a similar personality as our opposite-gendered parent.

So, in my case, my 'model' for a romantic partner was an emotionally-abusive narcissist, just like my mother. This personality describes both of my failed marriages.

It also explains how/why I torpedoed a couple of my past relationships in which my then-girlfriend was merely a sweet, loving person. I literally found someone like that unattractive.

My current relationship is with a co-dependent who tried like hell to take care of me. And, much of the time, I hate that. I mean, she's actually good for me and that feels so uncomfortable for me.

My suggestion to you is to take a hard look at all of your romantic history and carefully consider what was healthy, what was unhealthy, and what you actually need to be happy (rather than what you "want", which is probably someone like your ex).

Thank you all!

Crazyblindsided - yes, I am also enjoying my singlehood more or less, but I do want to find a partner eventually.

BearlyBreathing - agreed. Not sure that online dating is the right approach. I'm looking forward to being able to meet people first in person again some day by volunteering or taking classes or something.

99problems - definitely. I do not want the actual person, just that the mirage is still pretty strong in me. Work to do, for sure.

Shehawk - yes yes yes!

barcher144 - I've heard before about being attracted to the archetype of one's opposite sex parent (for straight folks). But I think my X is a lot more like my mom (and I'm a woman). I wonder if it's simply that one sees familiar dysfunctions. Emotionally abusive, narcissistic tendencies, but externally charming, depressive. My mom and my X. Sigh. I'm trying to do the work of recognizing those behaviors in others, addressing my skills at reacting to them, and learning healthier ways of being. Obviously that's going to take a lot of time.

It's just helpful to know I'm not alone in all this!

Ive learned to deeply hate the mirage, the fakeness and duplicity of it all.

That is what keeps me from missing it.

If you love something that only exists in your own head, why not make you the best thing in your own head, and love that?

That way you'll never have to be dependent on another, failable human being for your own happiness.

This is easier said than done, and I know that deeply, but it is the work that MUST be done.

Every single word of that...perfect. I don't miss the mirage at all, but I remember a time when I did. Now I'm what I need to be happy. I reached that by kind of romancing myself. If I knew this whatever thing would make me happy, I got it for myself. Little things, not expensive stuff. I thought it would be neat to paint an item of furniture, so I got myself the paint to do it. I love sunflowers, so I got myself a huge bunch of sunflower seeds and grew them 10 feet tall. I love dogs, so I started volunteering with an animal shelter. I like the way a certain shampoo smells, so I make sure that I always have that shampoo because it makes me feel good. I became very selfish and very much about doing things to make me smile. Maybe that sounds weird, but I swear it worked. I've won me over, lol.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 6:21 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

Oh, I love this. What a wonderful way to develop my sense of myself and learn how I want romance too. Romance myself!

During the pandemic I have on a few occasions experimented with talking to myself differently - literally doing both parts (just for a little while and mostly for fun - like when I'm eating dinner alone). It's actually really satisfying.

Now I'm excited to think about what romance I'll offer myself this week!

Thank you!

I'm wistful for the person I thought he was, the mirage. I miss the mirage person I was in love with. It has been more than 30 years since I actively dated, and my deep imprint is for who I thought he was.

Me too. I take this as a sign that maybe I'm not ready to date yet. It just makes me sad scrolling through dating apps. I've gone out on a few dates and came home feeling like crap. I'm still bonded or imprinted, as you described to my XWH. No one appeals to me very much.

I’ve written several times that 2020 was going to be MY year to find a new relationship...ha. CV19. Hard stop.

I found at the very beginning I immediately passed on anyone that had my exh or exbf first name. I eventually became desensitized to that.

I’ve not had much luck, and honestly I can’t exactly pinpoint it. But I refuse to settle. I know what physically I find attractive and I have widened those perimeters a bit—facial hair for example—it seems like the majority of men have some sort these days and a lot mention in their profiles it comes/goes so I’m thinking they are asked about it.

I’m turned off by the ones that mention what a great kisser they are...really? Ugh. You think that is going to impress me?

But honestly, I know I’m ready to date. The hardest part as a newbie is growing the thick skin, trusting your gut, and learning to read between the lines. I’m at the point of one strike and they’re out-they have no “built up credit” with me and don’t deserve a second chance. Several have seemed quite surprised. Oh well.

You’ll get there!

For me it was quite different. Anyone who would remind me of my ex would be quickly ‘nexted’

But I agree that, maybe subconsciously, we are attracted to drama, and borderline personalities when we start dating after divorce. It takes some serious weaning off before we can entertain the idea of dating someone ‘normal’ (one more reason to take our time before we jump into the dating cesspool ).

I am experiencing this shift right now, after meeting a normal, emotionally stable guy after a lifetime of co-dependent, abusive relationships. The adjustment is massive. I am literally having to retrain myself to enjoy positive, drama free interactions with a sane and uncomplicated individual

I’m turned off by the ones that mention what a great kisser they are...really? Ugh. You think that is going to impress me?

Me too!! This gives me a major case of the "icks."