SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you have followed my story, my WH and I have been in limbo/false reconciliation for 2 years. I KNOW I deserve better. I know I deserve someone who loves and cherished me. I know what I need to do and I shouldn’t look back but why is pulling the trigger on starting the process so difficult. I cannot back down this time. I know the saying is you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. Why do I even want it to be saved?

Y’all I’m scared. I’m ashamed of what I’ve been putting up with. I was in contact with an attorney 2 years ago so I don’t think I will get a new “free consultation”. I am still afraid to start the process. Can I file without an attorney? I really only want it to get the custody stuff in writing. Not sure where I’m going with this just some words of encouragement is what I’m seeking I think.

(((Hugs))) it’s just really hard. There was a poster here who’s tagline was Something along the lines of when it gets harder to hang on then to let go. That felt very accurate to me. You can see a different lawyer, which is always a good idea anyway. Please read the fear versus reality post at the top of this forum as well.

You are ready when you are ready. And you do deserve better.

There was an even longer gap between meetings with my attorney before I gave ex D papers. But it may be helpful to meet with another just to give you a potential of a different perspective or options.

Don’t be ashamed. It is difficult for most of us. The best advice I got from my lawyer (who indeed was nice) was to not treat him as my therapist, he is too expensive. Get a therapist for that. Also offer to provide your own extra copies of everything if they are needed.

Gathering the various financial documents was overwhelming for me.

And yes, you deserve better, not limbo that you have been in waiting for your WS to get over his cake eating habit.

No need to feel ashamed of what you've been putting up with. Most of us have been there.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay in your marriage. Unlike our WSs we have a heart and a conscience.

You're correct about getting the custody stuff in writing. If you and xWH agree to the arrangements you can put that in writing yourself. I believe most states will let you do that on your own (without an attorney), but check your state. Here in CT you must have a custody agreement and parenting plan in place. It's not hard, I wrote my own to save attorney fees. There are templates online that you can use.

I think the bigger issues are alimony and child support. That's where you may need help from an attorney. In my situation, my STBXWW have come to an agreement on most issues (custody, house, assets, retirement accounts, etc.) and we could do this without an attorney, but there is alimony and child support that need to be considered. Right now that is where my attorney is focusing her time.

Please don't take any of this as legal advice, I am not an attorney and I don't know the details of your situation. I just wanted to give you an idea of what to expect.

None of us want to be in this situation. It sucks.

You deserve to be happy and should live a life free of infidelity.

(((BrittanyNicole11))) and strength.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

You may be feeling “guilty” b/c you are ending the marriage. It’s not what you WANT to happen but it’s the unfortunate situation where it HAS TO happen.

You don’t really have much choice. And it’s not your fault you are looking to get out of this nightmare of a marriage.

So please be sure you stop blaming yourself (if in fact you are). Your next steps are scary and anxiety filled. But think of the days when you no longer have to live under these circumstances. When you no longer are invested in what the liar is lying about or what the cheater is doing.

Read posts by SheHawk who walked away from a terrible situation and is happy.

Get a support team to help you. People you can rely on. People who are there for you.

And think positive.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:33 PM, March 1st (Monday)]

It's okay to be scared - divorce is REALLY scary. It's a huge change and those always have fear associated with them. Maybe it would help you to really dig in to what exactly you are scared of. Sometimes just naming those fears can strip them of some of their power.

And don't waste your energy feeling shameful. I know I put up with a lot of shit too - I think that's true for most BS's contemplating divorce. It isn't about what you did, but what you will do.

FWIW, I was terrified too, but getting divorced was the BEST thing and life has been so much better on the other side of it. Better than I ever even thought it could be. And for me - filing (as hard and heartbreaking as it was) really made me feel empowered. During the infidelity and false R, my day-to-day felt so out of control and up in the air and filing for D really made me feel in control of MY life.

And if you read around on SI, I can't think of a single instance where someone divorced a cheater and was sorry for having done so.

BrittanyNicole:

I haven't read your story, but I can hear your pain.

First - to debunk a couple things.

Your thread topic title. You are brave. Anyone who has the rug pulled out from underneath them with infidelity and manages to even stand back up is brave. Getting up in the morning and getting dressed and feeding yourself is brave.

And frankly - really looking at your situation and not turning around to that same rug and sweeping everything underneath it is incredibly brave. Major courage levels required right there.

And please don't be ashamed. None of the shame in this situation is yours to carry. We get ready when we get ready. Sometimes we can only handle one thing in our head at one time and that's just fine.

The fear is real. For all of us - whether we stay or go.

For me - I got to the point that whatever waited for me on the other side of leaving him was at least going to be better than what I was having to tolerate every day. And I got to be the decider. No one was going to tie me to pain any longer. It might be hard, but if I put everything into myself (time, money, emotions, effort - all of it), it felt like a much safer bet for my well-being. Not familiar. Not easy. Certainly not comfortable. But safer.

Do you have your notes from your consultation a couple years ago? Did they give you a list of things to start gathering? Maybe it will help you to at least get your file started and see what steps you have to take?

Mediation may also be together, where you work through mediators to go through the division of stuff & the custody stuff. It's less expensive than a lawyer.

Google "Family Court" for your county & see what information they have available for you. You will probably have to take a parenting class & file a parenting plan with your paperwork.

Our children are grown, we divided the debts & assets prior to filing, and filed uncontested. I filed & did the paperwork myself. Came to under $500, but I had the luxury of a spouse who wasn't going for the throat. D was final last week.

Yes, I'm still sad about missing out on the future plans we'd made. But I know that I'd be miserable in what our M had become, and I deserve better than that. I'm happier now than I've been in a long, long time.

I tell you, you're braver and stronger than I am. I rode rage all the way through getting out partly because limbo was the most terrifying thing to me. Rage was a great tool and I used it to avoid feeling the fear. I strapped it on like a suit of armor. Tackling this without that tool takes a lot of courage. I don't have it in me to exist in the limbo state, and let me tell you, it takes a LOT to get through 2 years of limbo and maintaining your sanity. So you're not just brave, you're really strong. That's like carrying a boulder on your back every day. The fact that you have survived the past 2 years tells me that you are, in fact, more than brave and strong enough to do what it takes to leave.

And when you don't feel strong enough, you have us as cheerleaders here to pump you back up and help carry you through.

I hear ya, I feel that shame too. Brittany you ARE brave. Calling your WH out on his crap & telling him you won’t tolerate it anymore takes a LOT of courage.

but why is pulling the trigger on starting the process so difficult.

Because it is terrifying.

I don't know your story, but know that infidelity and divorce is a process we all work through in our own time. There is nothing to be ashamed about because your schedule is "different" from others.

Only you know when enough is enough.

In my opinion, filing without an attorney is really risky, especially with you being afraid. Your attorney will be your advocate and defender..especially if the situation deteriorates. Your attorney will only represent you...not your STBX.

Take your time and find a great attorney that will fight for you.

It took me from the first of July until the end of September to work my way into actually filing the separation papers and starting the process. It wasn't what I wanted to have happen at the time, but it was what HAD to happen. Once the ball started rolling it was easier and easier. Fortunately, my ex wanted out as badly as I wanted her gone, so we were able to basically agree on everything and filed without an attorney for either of us. I think the entire paperwork and filing cost about $500 in Colorado.

The divorce was finalized in about 110 days - should have been 91 days but the pandemic slowed things down.

I’d say call/email the atty you used, tell them the situation, see how much a consult will cost. It may be $100-300, but my atty took that cost off the D. Once you have your SECRET appt, you’ll get all the details of how the whole thing works—and ask on here what the D process looked like.

Once he’s out of the house legally, the hardest part is over. In my state that’s 2 weeks! So, by April 1 he might be out and you can begin to never speak to him again!! He has questions, he calls his atty. he wants visitation, you and he have an online calendar.

And hurry, hurry, hurry and get that appt. You want to be legally separated by the summer so that next year you can file Head of Household and possibly get a huge “refund”. I say “refund” because there are huge tax credits you get for bring a single parent. You get the credits (money) even if it’s more than your tax bill.

After saying all that, just focus in on your next step thru this whole process.

BrittanyNicole11

Y’all I’m scared

First of all know that it is okay to be scared.

If you look back I am reasonably sure you will recognize that there were other times in you adult life that you were scared but moved forward with what you knew needed to be done.

You are potentially embarking on a new chapter of your life and are not sure what is going to happen.

Please know that should you indeed move forward that everyday life will be different but you will be okay.

I’m ashamed of what I’ve been putting up with

Cut yourself some slack. The last thing you need right now is yourself beating you up.

Become your best friend and remember that you never asked for this.

Brittany, infidelity is like a catapult that throws us so far out of our comfort zone that it’s hard to breathe. So it’s ok to feel a little dizzy, a little scared. And shame is normal too, because a part of you feels that it should be black and white: he cheated and disrespected you, so you should leave. But the other part struggles to come to terms with the idea of a life without him. And you stay on because even pain and hurt, in their tragic certainty, seem preferable to the unknown.

But the capacity for pain and hurt is not infinite. As Chili said, it comes a point when anything is better than the living hell that life has become. It’s the proverbial point of no return and it’s different for everyone. For me it was finding out he was looking for a love nest with her whilst pretending to R with me. There will be one for you too.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. This is likely to be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. But also the bravest and you will feel empowered for it. And it’s sunny on the other side

There is no shame.

None.

Zero.

This stuff hurts..at a to the bone soul level.

It has been almost three years. I have amazing people in my life. And I am just now at the point where I am able to stand my ground and not freeze like the 🐿️🐿️ in the middle of the road who could not make up their mind. I let him run over me so many times I wouldn't tell you.

Oops hit enter too quickly. BUT

the day came when I was DONE. I was done letting the man I had married who had done unspeakable things to me keep trying to finish killing me.

I don't know how to explain it but in the Thor movies there is Valkerey. When we first see her she is wasted in her pain. By the end she rises up and becomes the woman she was meant to be and we see her fighting for herself and what she believes in. She is glorious. And so are you.

Unlike our WSs we have a heart and a conscience.

My advice to anyone is do not for one minute forget what and who you are dealing with. I did and I am paying greatly for this.