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newlife03 posted 3/1/2021 09:43 AM

I'm really sorry about the break up, I know you wanted so badly for this to work. A text break up only further shows his doucheness.

I know I’m a catch and know there’s someone out there for me that will treat me and love me the way I want.

Absolutely!! I also agree with the others that individual counseling will help you and get you to a healthy place where you can show someone how awesome of a catch you are. Hugs.

FannyandCat posted 3/1/2021 10:33 AM

Not too sure about seeing a therapist. I've done it before and haven't been swayed by the results.

Truthfully I think something big happened. He's not at work today. And he hadn't been to that bar in eons. For us to go from together to not in a span of 24 hours is odd. We're supposed to talk today so we'll see if that happens.

newlife03 posted 3/1/2021 10:56 AM

I hope so, even though the chances of you getting the answers you need are slim, you still deserve them.

grubs posted 3/1/2021 11:36 AM

Sorry Fanny.
He's really not worthy of you. That he felt that breaking up with a text was kosher is just another sign. I'd just go NC at this point. There's nothing he could say that would justify the lack of respect for you to break up this way.

The1stWife posted 3/1/2021 12:22 PM

Maybe nothing “big” happened.

How do you know he’s not at work? Drive by?

And why?

He told you it’s over. Sadly he did it like a coward via text. I would not hold out hope you will talk to him today b/c what is left to say?

Lalagirl posted 3/1/2021 12:29 PM

I'm so sorry, Fanny, but this is probably a blessing in disguise that you'll see later.

I find it interesting that his text said, "We have to break up." Not - "I am breaking up with you."

I also would not be surprised if he's darkening your doorstep for a booty call in the next couple weeks.

Stay strong, Fanny - get away from this guy. No, we don't know him, but since you have been posting here, I've not seen one comment from an SI member that encouraged you to stay with him. You have the collective wisdom of not only the number of members here, but the years they have been here. In other words, we've seen it all.

Hugs,

Lala

Buster123 posted 3/1/2021 13:00 PM

Stop trying to get answers from him, take off your rose colored glasses and see this loser for what he is, a proven cheater and liar, you may not realize it yet but you dodged a major bullet.

Be more careful on your next relationship (whenever you're ready) and watch for red flags, also make sure you establish in no uncertain terms what the nature of the relationship is and as it develops every step of the way, as opposed to waiting months/years like you did with this loser, and finally stay AWAY from this loser, ignore his "universe" if necessary, make it your "universe", don't even try the "Let's stay friends" or "Business Partners" thing, just ban him from your life, in the not too distant future you will probably look back and wonder how you could have settled for so little and realize you should have dumped him years ago. Good luck and keep us updated in the NB forum.

FannyandCat posted 3/1/2021 13:22 PM

We have instant messaging at work and it showed him being offline.

Believe me where I work a "drive by" is almost impossible. He's ignored me today - I've sent one text seeing if he wanted to meet up as promised at 6:00. I highly doubt that's going to happen now.

I refuse to be a booty call. That's just not me. He knows that.

I'm booked solid today and tomorrow but plan on going to the office on Wednesday. To see him one last time - not for closure or to tell him off but to let him know that he needs to write me a check for 3k - really 6k but I'll settle for 3k. We've been working from home for the last year but we're allowed to come to the office in certain circumstances. And yes I plan on looking good - he needs to know who he broke up with. But yeah, I'm going to stay far, far away from him and his dysfunction. He can live in his cramped little house with his daughter, aunt, uncle and two cousins and relive his childhood with his aunt cooking his dinner every night, cleaning his house and doing his laundry.

He truly was one of the worst decisions I've ever made when it comes to men. I got sucked in with good sex, good looks and the crumbs he threw my way. But at the end of the day he's a two-bit loser who will go from one train wreck to another in his life.

I can almost bet that at some point - even years from now he will try to come back. In some form or another. The plan is to be happy with someone else by then. But truth be told I'm taking a nice hiatus from relationships. I told myself last night no men for at least six months. Everyone heals at their own pace and for me that seems like a nice enough break.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 1:23 PM, March 1st (Monday)]

Charity411 posted 3/1/2021 15:48 PM

(((Fanny))) I've given your situation a great deal of thought, because there was a time in my life when I was exactly like you. Nothing resonated more than your post this morning saying you regret the time and money you wasted on him. Oh how I remember that regret.

I was not nearly as affluent as you appear to be. I was a single mom, my ex husband having left me for his best friend's wife when my daughter was six. My new "man" knew just how to play me. He knew I was starved for that feeling of belonging in a life long relationship. I went through the same cycle of having crumbs thrown my way, just enough to buy him the next thing he wanted. He had no credit, and a bad reputation. I was the total opposite. I became the booty call, confusing great sex for actual affection, with the added bonus of showering him with gifts.

I can understand why you don't want to get into therapy. It doesn't work or appeal to everyone. I have never been a big fan of trying to diagnose everyone into categories of mental health issues as an answer to what goes wrong in our lives.

However, coming out of my "relationship" like yours, I started reading about codependency. I was the poster child. I read Codependent No More. It was a revelation. I was convinced if I was just good enough, hot enough, loyal enough, loving enough, generous enough, surely I could transform a square peg into a round one. He would see it and change. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE ANYONE. In fact, it was arrogant of me to think I ever could. And all it accomplished was making myself a target for people just like him.

It took a while, but I eventually realized I was not the victim. No one did anything to me that I didn't allow them to do. I wrote those checks, I signed the lease on that car he was supposed to make the payments on time for, ruining my credit by assuming he would. I had to learn how to stop doing what I was doing, or I was never going to stop attracting what I was attracting.

The next long term relationship I had, I started to fall back into the same habit. It was my comfort zone. And one day, a year or two into it, I recognized what I was doing and immediately stopped. And I dumped him. I could not have done that without exploring the possibility that there was something wrong with me. Not me as a person. I'm a good person. My approach to relationships was wrong.

So if people here suggest you need to seek out some counseling, it's not a criticism of you. It's about our own journeys with self examination, that actually made our lives better. And we wish it for you.

I think it's great progress that you are finally seeing him as the two bit loser he is. You already know you far outclass him. There is no need to go to great lengths to look good for any future encounter. Indifference is your friend. Ignoring him will bug him more than anything else. Take your power back.

HellFire posted 3/1/2021 15:55 PM

Don't go into work,and try to talk to him. It makes it look like you are chasing him.

You can not force him to give you money. Unless you have a written contract, a judge would consider it a gift,given during the relationship.


When he attempts to give you an excuse, because when he is looking for a payout,he will be back, you need to remember this..

I'm going to stay far, far away from him and his dysfunction. He can live in his cramped little house with his daughter, aunt, uncle and two cousins and relive his childhood with his aunt cooking his dinner every night, cleaning his house and doing his laundry.

He truly was one of the worst decisions I've ever made when it comes to men. I got sucked in with good sex, good looks and the crumbs he threw my way. But at the end of the day he's a two-bit loser who will go from one train wreck to another in his life.

Booyah posted 3/1/2021 16:18 PM

I don't mean to be cruel, but you have ignored EVERY single bit of advice you have received here on SI.

As it's been pointed out here NUMEROUS times it would behoove you to get into counseling but you WILL NOT DO IT!!

I'm not a betting man, but if I was, I'd say the odds of you getting back together with this loser is extremely high.

He'll come around and you'll buy whatever he's trying to sell you because you're desperate and you'll make excuses on why you're taking him back.

Yes you do deserve better, but you're not willing to put any effort into fixing what's broken inside of you.

BluerThanBlue posted 3/1/2021 17:51 PM

I suspect that he will hit you up again around June 15, 2021, which is when he will be at least 3 months behind on his last boat and car payments.

Bigger posted 3/1/2021 18:44 PM

Basically your last post outlines how you are going to keep a line open for interaction.
That 3k? It’s lost money. Just be thankful its only 3k and not his part in the houses you two were going to buy and flip using your great credit.

Friend – him breaking up with you is the VERY BEST thing he’s done for you.

FannyandCat posted 3/1/2021 19:06 PM

I hate losing that money. I could really use it.

I know why I pick men like him. He’s sort of like my ex-husband. Destitute, always in need of a life preserver, enabling family and incapable of living as an independent adult. It’s a combination of a “knight in shining armor” syndrome and superiority complex. I like being in control and being in charge. And the saddest part is I use money as a means for that control. Pathetic I know. I see these poor, helpless men and I think can swoop down and “save” them. I told myself when I got divorced that I’d never date another loser and here I am. The only difference is this guy was much better looking and much better in bed than my ex.

The above is part of the reason for the hiatus. I want to look inward and figure out how to stomp out the issues that have plagued me with men my entire adult life so I make better choices next time.

Bigger posted 3/1/2021 19:10 PM

Fanny – how did you come to the 6k figure?
If there is a reason – like if you bought something for it – then it’s OK to point out he owes you 3k, but I seriously doubt he will honor it or that you should expect repayment. But if it’s a figure you added up for the milk and coffee at your house… no way.

The1stWife posted 3/1/2021 20:13 PM

You do not want to go to therapy — well here at SI we are giving you the advice you need. With our supporting reasons behind it.

A therapist is never going to give you the answers. They will guide you to figure things out. To see your options. To help you value yourself and see things from a different perspective.

The fact you had a 5 year relationship with this guy who treated you the same as your XH is exactly where therapy can help you. To help you from continuing to make the same poor choices.

Charity411 has given you the best advice possible. She was YOU years ago. However she learned where she made a few choices in life that were not her best. And she tried to do better going forward.

Some patterns or choices are hard to break. However if you are fearful of therapy then you might not want it bad enough. But if you find a really good counselor (like I did) it can make a big difference in your life.

FannyandCat posted 3/1/2021 20:26 PM

Bigger...

$2,500 deposit on the boat
$1,000 for the boat and truck payments I made for him
$3,000 to pay off a loan

All of which he said he’d “pay me back” or “make it up to me”.

The plan is to show up at his desk on Wednesday, tell him I know we’re over so it’s time to settle up. Then state how much he owes and figure out terms of payment.

The boat and truck are long sold. We have no assets between us. Thankfully.

Still no tears. I’m thinking about it constantly but I’m not crying over it. Maybe that says something?

I didn’t just want him...I wanted his family. Having no family of my own I wanted so badly to be a part of his I was willing to sacrifice my dignity and self respect to be included. I want a man that when I look at him I see my family if that makes sense. I have great friends that love me dearly but they have families of their own and maybe I saw him as a chance to have a family again. Another subject for introspection during the hiatus.

I can’t thank you enough for being there for me. It’s been a wild ride and it means a lot that you’ve stuck by me. It means more to me than words can express.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 8:50 PM, March 1st (Monday)]

Lalagirl posted 3/2/2021 05:41 AM

Charity411 has given you the best advice possible. She was YOU years ago. However she learned where she made a few choices in life that were not her best. And she tried to do better going forward.

^^^This. And that book she suggested is pure gold.

Fanny, don't see him in person to ask for your money. This is the perfect opportunity for him to give you a load of bull manure that you don't need right now. I would send him a note with what he owes you and a time in which you expect your money (or outline a payment plan). He can pay you back via one of those online apps - there is no need for him to see you in person. If he does not comply by the date that you set, file a suit in small claims court.

I can’t thank you enough for being there for me. It’s been a wild ride and it means a lot that you’ve stuck by me. It means more to me than words can express.

Of course! We are a great bunch and, although we can sometimes come across a bit harsh, the advice that we give comes from a place of caring and experience. We will always support you!

Hugs...

The1stWife posted 3/2/2021 05:53 AM

The last time you saw him with the boat incident wherein you were getting out of the relationship — ended up with you getting back together with him and believing the lies he told you then.

You continue to try to remain in contact with him. Maybe if you recognize at least that you can start to completely separate yourself from this toxic situation.

Buster123 posted 3/2/2021 08:31 AM

Your sanity and emotional health are worth more than 6k that you're unlikely to recover, if anything send him a letter via certified mail, no need for "I know we're over so it's time to settle up", just give him the name of your bank and account# so that he can deposit the money or tell him to send it to you via Paypal.

If he doesn't pay then just forget about it and move on, be glad you found out before getting involved in a business venture that would have cost you 10 times that amount if not more, paying a lawyer to try to recover 6k will probably cost even more and with no guarantees.

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