SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Selling the Jeep. Selling the golf cart. Both of which he picked out. I want them GONE.

I’m almost done with the first day of no contact. And it’s the first day I cried my eyes out.

A friend of mine sent an amazing article...

“Why intelligent and high-performing women fall for toxic partners”

Holy shit it was as if the writer had an inside view of my relationship. I think I’ve read it no less than four times today because of how much it resonated with me. And you’re right Booyah...it’s something I have to go through.

I have plans on Saturday and yes, I’m going to have a few drinks. I’m not a drinker by nature but a couple mojitos will help with the pain. Tomorrow I’m putting the Jeep up for sale and I already put the golf cart on Craigslist, nextdoor and Facebook. Plan on calling a couple golf cart dealers tomorrow too.

The pain is real but it’s a cause of great reflection and introspection. A friend of mine let me look at her bumble account today and what the fuck...every guy on there seemed like a total asshole but I’m in a jaded state at the moment so that’ll change as I heal. I told her I have NO INTEREST in the male persuasion so she can take her bumble guys and shove it.

I know time is the only path to true healing and while I’m in a dark place right now at some point I’ll see a faint glimmer of light. Right now it’s pitch black and my whole body hurts. I’m a tiny girl who can’t afford to lose weight without looking like the 11 year old boy neighbor but I can’t eat a thing right now. And I can usually eat like a high school kid. It just HURTS.

Thank you for listening to my stupid pointless ramblings...the sooner that Jeep and golf cart are gone the better. Fuck him for convincing me to buy them.

Really great job on handling the toughest two days without running back to the source of your pain

Enjoy those mojitos - and when you are back on the market remind yourself every day to either aim high or go home alone to your beautiful life that you earned by being awesome .

Starting day two...

Busy day ahead of me so that'll make for a good distraction.

I want to say that I hope he's missing me but I know he's not.

So a few weeks ago I went and had boudoir pictures taken as a surprise. Never done it before and have to admit it was a lot of fun. I pick up the pictures today and had to tell the photographer (a friend of mine fortunately) that he and I had broken up so I guess these are for the next guy if/when that happens. She was kind and understanding about it but I can't help but feel the pang of regret. This was supposed to be his 5 year anniversary present. Now they're going to be tossed deep in a drawer somewhere.

How’s the hunt for the therapist going?

We all know this is tough (especially NO contact).

Let's say you had a problem with drugs (say cocaine). Would it be in your best interest to go to a party where people were doing cocaine? Hell no!!

Staying away from him is the same thing. It's not in your best interest.

As for the pics. First let me say how awesome it is that you did this!! That said, it would probably be in your best interest to trash them, because having them around are just a reminder of him and you need to eliminate any triggers that deal with him.

Take it day by day Fanny. As the days get behind you it will get easier and easier and yes KEEP YOURSELF BUSY if you can.

Work on finding a therapist and sink yourself into this!!

Please don't give a new boyfriend the boudoir photos you intended for your ex. That's almost as bad as the re-gifted vibrator.

One thing outside the “toxic men” issue I think needs deep reflection is the focus on material things. Stuff. Boats, cars, jet ski, boudoir pictures are THINGS. Maybe in therapy you can explore NONmaterial pleasures? All the best to you on this journey FannyandCat. You are becoming a better woman. ❤️

Now they're going to be tossed deep in a drawer somewhere.

Just burn them or throw them away to avoid "pain shopping".

I suggest that on your next relationship please refrain from giving gifts to your new boyfriend, at least for a year (except for Bdays and Vday) and if you are also receiving gifts from him, also do NOT embark on new business ventures or partnerships of any kind unless you get married.

I picked out the pictures today and talked to my friend for hours. She said I dodged a bullet. The pictures are fantastic and a real confidence booster. I’m not a girly girl by any stretch but I was all woman in those pictures.

Probably going to have to sell the golf cart for a pretty big loss but I just want it gone so I’ll take the hit.

Meeting up with another friend tomorrow for apps and mojitos. No tears today but I was way too busy to cry. Now that I’m home alone it might be a different story a few hours from now. I’ll let them happen, have the catharsis and watch the new Coming to America movie with the dog and cat.

And while I know my friends are supportive it doesn’t stop the yearning to cuddle in his arms. I’m only 5’1” and he’s six feet so it was as if I could almost burrow into him. Friday nights were usually our night and I know he doesn’t have his daughter. I can’t help but think about what he’s doing tonight.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 8:38 PM, March 5th (Friday)]

Try writing down the many ways he's mistreated you. All the times when he disappointed you, all the things he said and did which were cringe-worthy but that you chose to take the high road on. Think about all the ways he failed to reciprocate your affection or your kindness. Include every time you saw him lose his temper or say something nasty behind someone else's back.

Sometimes our brains like to just remember the good times. A list can help you focus on the stuff your brain wants to gloss over.

Thanks ChamomileTea that's a good idea...

I can think of a LOT of things he did that made me sad, frustrated, annoyed and just plain pissed off.

He didn't want to spend July 4th with me last year and told me to go to another gathering. He had a ton of family in town and didn't want me to meet them.

He completely ignored me on Halloween

He didn't invite me to his family's Thanksgiving gathering because "he didn't feel comfortable inviting me over to someone else's house" only to find out his 18 year old cousin had invited her brand new boyfriend of a month to the very same gathering.

He stood me up and lied to me on New Years. We got together that afternoon for lunch and sex. He told he he'd text me later to tell me what was going on that night. He told me to come over for an oyster roast at 9:30 then texted at 8:30 that it had been cancelled and he'd be over later. He never showed so at midnight I went to his house to see him hanging out with friends and the remnants of the oyster roast that very much happened.

There are countless other times he lied to me as a means of avoidance. To get out of spending time with me.

He really is a piece of shit - a hot piece of shit that's good in bed. I am literally the biggest fool in the history of ever.

Reading that list, it seems to me you spent a lot of time and head space waiting and planning your life around something that might happen, only to be disappointed. I did the same thing. I too was a fool.

I vividly remember the first time I should have walked away but didn't. Early in the relationship he invited me to a party and then never introduced me to anyone. He spent most of the night sitting at a picnic table reading a newspaper. I felt completely invisible. I should have been livid, but he insinuated I should be grateful that he did the honor of letting me come. He came back to my house for sex and I let him. In hind sight, sex was the only time I felt visible.

Every time I let that happen he treated me worse and I worked harder to be visible. I slowly got to the point of spending money on him. He never spent any on me. I kept explaining it away to myself. We had great chemistry in bed and I confused that for love and affection. It was the farthest thing from it. It was a means of manipulation.

ChamomileTea's recommendation is a great one. I would suggest you make a second list. Without thinking about him, or any man you know at all, make a list of things you would like in a relationship. Rank them in order of importance. Take your time and really think about it.

Put it aside and come back to it from time to time to see if changes as your emotions get back under control, and make the changes. Then when you are ready, compare your list about him to the list about you. Then think about why you worked so hard to get and keep someone that wasn't willing to give you any of the things you need. Why did you believe he could be that person when he was clearly showing you he wasn't ?

If you can figure out why you'll be able to avoid the same mistake in the future. People like him look for people like us because we're easy marks. We see any attention as good attention. We'll go to great lengths for it even when it's obvious that it isn't genuine. We got taught somewhere along the way to check our expectations at the door.

You have every right to have expectations of your own. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The trick is you need to understand your expectations and voice them at the onset. If someone isn't meeting those expectations, don't try to change them, or buy their compliance. Just walk away.

But for now, think about a positive aspect in what you are going through. You are free. You are no longer planning your days and nights around will he or won't he come over, or take you out. The uncertainty that kept you off balance is gone. You can make your own plans without a second thought about what he might think. And you are no longer walking on eggshells for fear he will think you are pushy. Just remember, he never worried about if he was being pushy when he was spending you money.

Don't beat yourself up, learn from your mistakes and be careful next time, a year from now you'll probably look back and be glad it ended, you really dodged a big bullet and got out relatively "easy" without child custody, business partnership, joint finances and other issues that married people typically have to worry about when ending a relationship.

Survived the weekend...

Went out to dinner on Saturday, showed the golf cart on Sunday and went on a boat tour. Crossing fingers and toes I sold the damn cart!

I am so very tempted to go over to his house this week and tell him off but I know I shouldn't. It's best to never reach out or talk to him again. I need to rid him from my system. I'm so angry at him for so many things it would take ten hours to list it all out. But suffice to say he took me down a very dark path and I ended up wasting way too many years of my life chasing a man that never wanted to be caught. He's truly a horrible human being that deserves everything coming to him. I hope that 20 years from now, when we're both much older he looks back on this experience with nothing but regret for missing out on the best thing that he had going for him. I hope I look back 20 years from now wondering what the fuck I ever thought I wanted with him in the first place.

I know I'll be ok eventually and with time dust settles - the light will shine on me again. LOL already looking forward to 2022.

Maybe it would be helpful to know that you made the wrong choice in September 2020 BUT the better choice in 2021.

You will know you will be in a better place when you no longer care what he thinks.

At the present time everything you are thinking and feeling is normal.

But I have to ask — what did you do all the years you were together and he didn’t take you out very often or spend much time together, what did you do then? How did you rationalize and accept that treatment from him? Just curious.

Your statement about wanting to go tell him off is definitely something you shouldn't do. That action would simply show that he still affects you, and you really should strive to detach. Indifference is your goal. Take care of yourself.

The 1st Wife...

I pined for him. I thought with enough love, patience, loyalty and devotion the man I thought he was capable of being would come out. I thought he had built walls around his heart from past experiences and I was the one that could take it down brick by brick. I would write him letters, poems and shower him in "just because" gifts just to see him smile thinking he would see the woman standing in front of him and love me the way I loved him. I guess in essence I thought I could fix him...strengthen his fragile ego and be the man I thought he could be if he had the right woman in his life to help him. It was an endless saga of "seeing his potential".

And when he lied to me, ignored me, disregarded me, left me after sex, avoided me, came up with excuses to leave my side, wouldn't take me out and a host of other ridiculous things I rationalized it thinking he'd come around eventually. Blame that on a very low self esteem coupled with an obsession/infatuation with him because I never thought a guy as good looking as him would want to be with a woman like me.

My newest thought is I hope he meets a girl he falls head over heels for and she treats him like he treated me. I hope he thinks about her all the time and wants nothing more than her time, attention and affection and she throws the occasional crumb his way to keep him hanging on. And I hope she crushes him the way he crushed me. Call it a delusional revenge fantasy or whatever but he deserves to have his heart stomped on. Sadly he is so emotionally stunted and incapable of expressing himself it'll probably never happen. Maybe he's just one of those guys that will never want to have a relationship. Maybe he will always prefer to be perpetually single with the occasional fuck buddy to satisfy him physically. Just goes to show how different we really are and how no matter what I did it would never work.

Only time will tell and right now I have nothing but time. And I plan on spending it making me a stronger, better person who knows my worth and not willing to bend my standards for someone that "has potential".

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 1:50 PM, March 8th (Monday)]

You're doing great, Fanny. Really, you are. I know it probably feels messy and all over the place. But I can see how you're really starting to reject the poor treatment you received. Your list above is full of holidays and family gatherings. It makes me wonder if he's been cheating for longer than what you might have thought. It's just a small snippet and doesn't give a complete picture, but it's almost like he was hiding you for some reason.

I never thought a guy as good looking as him would want to be with a woman like me.

I totally get this! Not so much the "good looking guy wanting me" but anyone wanting me in general. I didn't think anyone would want a frumpy, overweight divorced mother of 3 kids. But he found me and we've been together almost 10 years.

As for the "guy as good looking as him" it seems clear that his good looks compensated for his crappy demeanor and lack of respect for you. He'll get what's coming to him someday, and you will be blissfully happy with someone who loves and appreciates the real fanny

I too think he was hiding you for a reason. The pattern is very obvious. Also, never buying you anything or taking you out is a clue. He didn't want to spend more time with you because he would have to account for it to someone is my guess. And he didn't want to get caught buying something for another woman.

You seem to be seeing things more clearly every day. Like this:

Just goes to show how different we really are and how no matter what I did it would never work.

You are completely right about that. He would never have become someone else for you or anyone else. What he does works for him. I dated two other guys after my nightmare, but I ended the relationships as soon as I saw the same traits, and I got out before I spent more time and money on them. With time and introspection, you are going to learn to recognize this type sooner.