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Catwoman posted 4/20/2021 13:09 PM

Do you suspect you might build up these people in your mind to a point that you're projecting things onto them that they haven't earned?

You seemed to do it a LOT with the deadbeat boyfriend, thinking that all he needed was a good woman and he would be a good person.

I'm wondering if this factors into you not having good boundaries and the fact you get into situations that are not indicative of boundaries.

You could have met Jeep guy in the Target parking lot to collect your money and turn over the Jeep (taking an Uber home). Or you could have asked a neighbor to hang with you while you executed the transaction.

You could have said yes to a nice walk and coffee in a public place to Boat Guy in order to get to know him better instead of going back to his boat.

It seems you over-invest in others and under-invest in yourself. Maybe that's a place to start.

Cat

It doesn't take much for a man to get you taking hits on the hopium pipe, does it?

Booyah posted 4/20/2021 14:01 PM

Your last post is MAKING our point.

The guy that you THOUGHT you knew (a guy you just met) didn't turn out to be who you thought he was?

It takes months/years to truly understand who (and what) someone is.

Also, TRUST is NOT something that you just give people.....Fanny it's EARNED...and it takes TIME to earn it.

You just blindly give people trust that you do NOT know and in doing so put yourself in compromising situations where you could have been raped or murdered.

And why?

Because some guy, that's cute and is nice to you, and gives you compliments and pays attention to you??

Again....QUIT DATING and put ALL men aside as you are in no position to be doing this.

The guys you meet are NOT what you're looking for and will bring nothing but drama and bullshit into your life and potentially harm because who you are is attracting these losers.

Any stable, good guy isn't going to stick around with you Fanny. You don't hear from them in 36 hrs (even if they said they'd call you) and then you BLOW UP their phone??

WHO NEEDS THIS SHIT???

A guy looking for a piece of ass might stick around for a bit but NOBODY in their right mind is going to want any of the shit/drama that YOU BRING TO THE TABLE!!

Instead of putting this (men/dating) on hold and focusing on you over the next year to sort through countless issues that you desperately need to start understanding your DESPERATION to find a man and a relationship is WINNING out and it's going to F up your therapy and bring you from one drama to the next which is basically what's been going on in your life for years and you Fanny are ADDICTED TO IT!!!

siracha posted 4/20/2021 21:01 PM

Men can be rather intoxicating to straight girls with bad FOO issues. Noone is faulting you for wanting the physicality of a man . Infact i think if you could have kept it uncomplicated Mr Boat may even have been a good Fwb situation .
But Fanny - my friend - not all intoxicating men are good people ; i would really urge you to ask yourself - if you were a rapist or murderer what type of girl would you pick ?
Desperate ? Lonely ? Easy to charm into a state of stupidity with cheap compliments ? Low self esteem ? No close ties to family ? A girl who would let a stranger into her house because she wants to be kissed ? How many boxes do you want to tick on the global predator wish list . Right now you are every predators dream girl. .
There is a great book called the gift of fear , please read it and understand your vulnerabilities before a predator finds you

[This message edited by siracha at 9:02 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 4/21/2021 00:39 AM

The fact that I'm on day seven on no contact with Mr. Wonderful (that admittedly made me laugh so I'm sticking with it) is a testament to a want for something better


Because you jumped from one frying pan to another so that you wouldn't have to have to deal with the pain of a break up.

I think that you are using this new/old date guy for distraction and from having to face the pain of another failed relationship.

My WH passed away over a year ago and maybe it is somewhat different than your situation but after what I went through, I knew that I wanted to be alone to focus on my healing. I would rather spend the time by myself and work on healing, reflection and thinking about what my future plans are going to be. How about you? You went from one distraction to another.

Have you considered spending some alone time to get to know yourself a little better? Why do you feel that you need another man (distraction) in your life after just getting out of a bad relationship? Don't you think that you could use some alone time for reflection and healing?

I promise you Fanny that it has been nice spending this time alone and not have to worry about another man. I'm not ready for that and neither are you.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 12:45 AM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

FannyandCat posted 4/21/2021 05:41 AM

Booyah - I didn't blow up his phone. I didn't hear from him since Sunday and sent him one text telling him off. That's it. Doesn't seem all that dramatic to me.

If anything, my trainwreck of a "relationship" with Mr. Wonderful has taught me to not tolerate shitty treatment - whatever I define as shitty treatment. Making empty promises and not being a man of your word are two things I simply won't tolerate. And honestly it was kind of cathartic to let him have it then block/delete. Hell, I consider this progress in my healing because the old me would have immediately started chasing him!

Cat made a worthwhile point. I think you're right - I DO build these people up in my mind. Invest too much time thinking about them and not enough time thinking about me. Maybe I'm a hopium addict - I've been thinking about that.

And Hurtmyheart - that's a good point too. A couple of my friends said the only way to get past a break up is to date someone new but all that does it put a weak band aid over the pain of losing someone you love. I guess I've sort of had an epiphany about this...

Letting go of someone you love is hard but holding on to an unrequited love is even more difficult because you're holding on to a possibility that's impossible. And what I had been doing for so, so long is hold on to an unrequited love. Now that I've let him go I need to take the time to mend my broken heart - a heart that's already been battered and bruised from holding on to a possibility that's impossible.

Starting day 11...

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 5:41 AM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

Sceadugenga posted 4/21/2021 07:12 AM

I didn't hear from him since Sunday and sent him one text telling him off. That's it. Doesn't seem all that dramatic to me.

A bloke doesn't phone you in two days and you tell him off via text. Not dramatic, not dramatic at all rolleyes
If anything, my trainwreck of a "relationship" with Mr. Wonderful has taught me to not tolerate shitty treatment - whatever I define as shitty treatment.

And it hasn't crossed your mind that your treatment of him was also quintessentially shitty?
And honestly it was kind of cathartic to let him have it then block/delete.

So, now he's been elevated to the position of your whipping boy on whom to take out your frustration related to your ex-quasi-partner?
Hell, I consider this progress in my healing because the old me would have immediately started chasing him!

Instead, you chose to unload your anger and frustration on him? Were I in his shoes, I'd consider your behaviour immature and inconsiderate, both of which are very far from healthy.
I invest too much time thinking about them and not enough time thinking about me.

On the contrary, your latest actions indicate that you don't spend enough time thinking about others and recognising them as separate individuals with their own agency.
A couple of my friends said the only way to get past a break up is to date someone new but all that does is put a weak band aid over the pain of losing someone you love.

This, in essence, is an example of objectifying people: a cruel, disrespectful and manipulative act in which people become mere pawns in your game without being aware of it. BTW, if my friends offered me such crappy advice, I'd question whether they meet the minimum intellectual and emotional criteria to be my friends in the first place.
Letting go of someone you love is hard but holding on to an unrequited love is even more difficult because you're holding on to a possibility that's impossible.

I'm beginning to suspect that what you consider love is just emotional addiction to another person and the drama they help you create, unbeknownst to themselves. Which takes us back to the issue of objectification.

DanielJK posted 4/21/2021 07:22 AM

Fanny

I know how much it hurts believe me.

I want us both to get through the hurt first, then find someone new.

I think you probably did the right thing with the new guy. Sounds like he was a capital P Player.

I know its easier said than done but try to take some time without worrying or thinking about a relationship. Just take some time for youa new normal will emerge. At least that is what Im told. I cant wait for my new normal to emerge, so Im with you.

Im glad you keep posting here. Id like to know how things turn out for you.

Catwoman posted 4/21/2021 07:49 AM

A couple of my friends said the only way to get past a break up is to date someone new but all that does is put a weak band aid over the pain of losing someone you love.

Not to mention that this is USING someone.

We have a saying here: broken attracts broken. If you are emotionally broken/deficient/whatever, you won't be attractive to emotionally healthy people. Therefore, you end up with people who are hoping the rocks in your head match up with the holes in theirs. Not a good scenario.

It's much better to deal with yourself first and become more emotionally healthy BEFORE you go out and try dating again.

Otherwise, you're just continuing the trainwreck and continuing to make poor choices because you're in a poor place.

Cat

Charity411 posted 4/21/2021 08:49 AM

Sceadugenga...Yours is on of the best posts I have ever read on this site. Fanny...read it about 8 times.

I have often been baffled at the notion both from some of the men and women on these boards that the best way to get over someone is to use someone else to do it. Funny how one of the emotions when we get cheated on and dumped is that we've been used. But it's perfectly fine to use someone else to get over it.

FannyandCat posted 4/21/2021 12:54 PM

I didn't see it that way - my intent wasn't to use him. I thought meeting someone new who treated me nicely and had a pot to piss in would be a good thing. But seeing as I'm the worst judge of character in the history of ever (superlative I know but you get the gist) I need to fix that before dating again, which in turn means I need to fix ME.

I'm broken and in dire need of top to bottom repair followed by a tune up.

My therapist yesterday told me to stay away from online dating or trying to meet men. To go and live my life - do the things I like to do and if I meet someone in the process, great but don't go seeking it. So I'll go to the batting cages, play golf, work on my house and plant flowers. I'll spend three hours washing my car and take my dog on long walks at one of the local parks around here. I'll bake cookies and watch too many documentaries. I'll go out with my friends and eat too much. I'll start tutoring kids (got that confirmation last weekend - excited!) and continue volunteering at the local food pantry. I'll play too many crossword puzzles and wait for the new season of The Handmaid's Tale to start on the 28th. I'LL LIVE MY LIFE.

We talked about what I want in a man and when I finished she asked me how old I was at the moment. I told her I felt like I was 12 all over again and she said that from what I described it sounded like a father figure. It was pretty eye opening. And that the men I end up with I act more like a mother than a girlfriend. She told me not to give up on the prospect of love but focus on what I love to do and it will happen without seeking it out.

So I'll go to farmers markets and spend afternoons at the pool. I'll take naps after work and order pizzas just the way I like them. I'll take trips to visit friends out of state and touch up the front porch and steps with the paint I just found in the garage. I'll ride my bike around the neighborhood and to the local ice cream shop. I'll LIVE...and through all of that this broken person will slowly become whole again.

Buster123 posted 4/21/2021 13:13 PM

Your therapist gave you good sound advice, go live your life Fanny, focus on YOU, let things flow, eventually someone will come to you, but this time be very selective and take things slow, very slow, if that person is worth it, he will wait as long as it is necessary.

Booyah posted 4/21/2021 14:11 PM

Sounds like your therapist is echoing what some of us have been saying to you but what do we know😎

Hurtmyheart posted 4/22/2021 00:14 AM

Aaawe, I love your new plans, Fanny.

I am taking a trip across the U.S. right now. Just me and my dog. And loving every minute of it. No one to bring me down and to make me feel bad.

I have to tell you something though, my dog doesn't seem to be too fond of men.😂 My dog and I had to stop by the auto store today and my dog practically wanted to bite a man's head off (not literally though) and he and all the other men backed away. It actually was kind of funny to see. Well, she is 160 pounds. Her size and presence may have had something to do with it too besides her ferocious back! Lol My dog has been my greatest healer and best friend.

I feel that it has been the best thing for me to take time to heal and be free... to get to know myself, to be free from the connection to another man and to be free from worries of my WH wanting to hurt me. I am actually beginning to love my life.

Only a year ago, I never would have imagined that I could or would drive across the U.S. on my own. I have grown so much... from being an emotionally distraught women because my WH was being emotionally abusive to me, to being happy, joyous and free.

Take the time to get to know yourself. The guys obviously like you, I just don't think that you are attracting your type of man. And what you are seeking is a life long partner. But until you heal and get to know authentic Fanny and what Fanny wants and needs, you will continue to attract the same kind of man over and over again.

What I have learned about myself is that I set my bar way too low, including with my WH. I allowed emotional abuse and overlooked things that I never should had overlooked in the first place. Today, if I would even consider wanting to meet someone new, my criteria would be way different compared to back when I met my husband.

I know if you give yourself time to learn to love yourself and back away from dating, the right man will show up for you.

I'm now 59 years old and not sure if I want another relationship and I am not looking either. But one thing I do know today is that I won't settle for anything less than what I feel that I deserve.

Fanny, you are a nice person. Your personality radiates through your words and the way you express yourself. Your personality is truly magnetic. You are magnetic. You deserve so much more in life.

FannyandCat posted 4/23/2021 08:34 AM

Tomorrow marks two weeks of no contact - I was sort of thinking he'd reach out after the Derek Chauvin verdict was reached (he was convinced he was going to be acquitted) but then again I sort of think he was expecting something from me. Either way, I have a jam-packed weekend of fun planned and that will provide a good (not to mention enjoyable) distraction.

And my boss took the day off so after my meetings end (should be by 11:00 or so) I'm heading to the hardware store to buy some paint brushes to touch up the paint on my front porch and steps. Going to spend every day after work next week sprucing up the outside of the house...keep my phone IN the house and just...I don't know...BE.

Do I miss Mr. Wonderful? Sort of...but sort of not. I miss our daily conversations and debates about the news of the world. I miss his crazy unique perspective on things. But I don't miss being blown off, lied to and ignored. Had a friend check last night and he's still on tinder. His pictures suck lol...a blurry picture of him in a hat and sunglasses driving a boat he no longer owns and a three year old picture taken in a house that he lost to foreclosure two years ago that has his nipples poking from under his shirt. He also lied about having a college degree on his profile...kind of pathetic if you ask me. But the mere fact that he's still on dating apps is proof positive that it's over so there's really no point in checking anymore. And tinder is a garbage heap of married men looking for a sidepiece and pervs wanting an NSA fling. He fits in nicely there.

And besides, I have much better things to do than wonder if he's still on dating apps...I can't help myself from thinking about him but I can definitely control my actions based on those thoughts and there's no way in hell I'm unblocking him or contacting him through work IM. I'd rather pressure wash my house (great workout and it's very addicting), trim hedges, touch up paint and make my house look beautiful...

Lalagirl posted 4/23/2021 10:25 AM

I was sort of thinking he'd reach out after the Derek Chauvin verdict was reached

I thought you blocked him? If you did, even if he tries to reach you, he can't.

Had a friend check last night and he's still on tinder.

Stop doing this, Fanny. NC means NC - in thought and in deed. The less you (or your friends, who by the way, should refuse to do this for you) go out of your way to see what he's up to, the faster you'll heal.

Congrats on not contacting him directly, though - you do deserve kudos for that.

Enjoy your weekend!

Booyah posted 4/23/2021 10:30 AM

He's living rent free in your head Fanny.

More than likely he doesn't even think about you.

Hope you have a good weekend!

FannyandCat posted 4/23/2021 10:39 AM

Lalagirl - yes, he's blocked on my phone but he could still contact me via work IM or work email - I can't block him there.

And Booyah - if I have the mindset that he's not thinking about me that'll help. But I can't help but think he is and expects me to break NC and reach out - because I've always reached out. I guess knowing that is helping too because I'm not following the typical script and that must have him wondering what's going on. Good. Let him wonder. And at some point I think he will - be it in a month or six months he's going to try to contact me...I have to be prepared for that. Part of me wants to say, "have you magically become an honest, loving, kind and romantic man who wants me as a partner?" But a bigger part of me wants to either ignore it completely or verbally kick his ass into next Tuesday.

grubs posted 4/23/2021 10:51 AM

I have to be prepared for that.

More importantly you need to be prepared to kick his ass off your property when he shows up at your house for a quick tumble and a place to sleep. That's what I fear will cause another set back for you.

BluerThanBlue posted 4/23/2021 10:59 AM

It honestly seems like your friends are enabling your craziness under the guise of helping you.

If a friend ever asked me to cyberstalk their ex, I would tell them absolutely not; it's not going to help them recover and it's creepy and inappropriate. If a friend ever offered to cyberstalk someone for me, I would tell them no as well for the same reason.

Sceadugenga was completely on point about your tendency to use people. There's been a lot focus on how you've been taken advantage of by your ex, but the way I've seen it, is that you continually used your financial power as leverage in your relationship. This is also why all of your gifts to your ex suddenly transformed into loans after the fact.


Your ex knew it, too, which is why he chose to live in an apartment with 40 relatives rather than give you complete control over his life by moving in with you.

Your reaction to the new guy not calling you after 2 days was completely ludicrous... he's probably grateful for that he's dodged a bullet twice. If this is how you behave after only talking to a guy for a couple weeks, I can only imagine how draining and over the top your behavior is for a guy you've sleeping with on and off for 3 years.

FannyandCat posted 4/23/2021 11:27 AM

BluerThanBlue - You made a few sweeping generalizations there...

No, not ALL of my gifts became loans. Far from it. When we sold the boat and truck he took ALL the money from it - I didn't get a dime. That was tens of thousands of dollars I could have easily kept but didn't. We took the check from the car dealer made out to me to his bank and I signed it over to him the same day. When the money from the boat sale was wired to my bank account I immediately wrote him a check for the full amount. I'll never see that money again. The only money I ever got back from him was the $450 I spent on a boat part so we could put the boat up for sale and the money I paid to his lawyer for a retainer. And every single other gift I've given him (be it money or material) I've never asked for back. So your statement, "This is also why all of your gifts to your ex suddenly transformed into loans after the fact" is misguided and flat out wrong.

I never hung money over his head or used it as a means of control - I (stupidly) thought providing for him would be proof of my loyalty and love. Right before we broke up we had started talking about moving in together and we had already agreed our finances would be kept separate. Sorry but I have to take issue with your assessment because I simply don't agree that I would have had any degree of "control" just because I had deeper purse strings than him.

And my reaction to the new guy was because he broke a promise. I may put a lot of credence with that word but I'm a big believer that if you say you're going to do something, you do it. And if make a promise, you keep it. You may not agree with that credo but that's how I feel. Mr. Wonderful may be a lying, manipulative prick but at the very least when he made a promise he kept it. Your words were hurtful and insulting...making grand assumptions about my behavior as a whole when you don't know me at all. And besides, kicking the new guy to the curb showed me that I have the power to not tolerate behavior I find unseemly not to mention having no desire to waste time on people that are all talk and no action.

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