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DanielJK posted 3/23/2021 09:12 AM

It doesn't seem right.

I think you found yourself another player.

Charity411 posted 3/23/2021 09:37 AM

^^^^^^^^^ This!!!^^^^^^

newlife03 posted 3/23/2021 10:40 AM

And it was a GREAT kiss...this guy knew what he was doing

Be careful. Remember how you said the ex was fabulous in the intimacy department and it was tough to let that go. Don't let the great kiss reel you in. Take time for yourself. You NEED time for yourself.

HellFire posted 3/23/2021 11:02 AM

A man who kisses you after knowing you for 3 hours, is not interested in taking it slow.

It's interesting that he only texts a few times a day. I think you should see if he has a girlfriend, before getting anymore involved.

Please be careful.

Venus1 posted 3/23/2021 11:11 AM

You've seen already from a few others that you should be cautious of the kiss with this new guy. You don't want to put yourself into a situation where this new guy rushes things before you are ready or before you can truly protect your heart.

My WH told me that his PA showed him that he could be 'happy again' and that there could be something out there that was 'better' for him. No, he was full of hormones and the excitement of the 'new'.
The newness of kissing this guy makes your endorphins go crazy --- I call it being d!ck-matized! Basic biology really, but you are still fragile.

Remember the blocks to fully grieving and healing the loss of your relationship. Eg, staying too busy, sex / another relationship too soon, alcohol/drugs, false positivity, rushing it, etc. My IC told me that I should do a minimum 12 month detox from my WH before getting involved with someone. So I just suggest that you are ready for all that goes with getting involved with someone before you jump in.

[This message edited by Venus1 at 11:13 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 3/23/2021 12:29 PM

Take his kiss for what it is. An ego boost to you.

Three hours away? Thatís a rough relationship hurdle.

He was a cute distraction. Nothing more. Move on.

FannyandCat posted 3/23/2021 14:15 PM

I hear all of you - I do...

And there are so many uncertain variables...

Is he dating someone?
Is he interested in me or just sex?
Did he mean it that he wanted to see me again?
Am I even remotely ready to jump into the dating pool again?
Is he just someone to take my mind off the ex?

He's REALLY cute and from what I've found out about him so far online he definitely has his shit together. And he's definitely not with the ex he talked about - found her online and she's stating she's single. And not to toot my own horn but I'm WAY better looking than her...or at least I think so lol...

I guess he's just a distraction...and that he doesn't text much (but then again I'm not texting much either) if he really wanted to pursue something with me he'd make himself more present. Again, I REFUSE to chase him - no fucking way.

That kiss was...I don't know...nice. It felt good. And I wasn't expecting it in the slightest. And I'd be lying if I didn't want to see him again...he gave me the warm butterflies. But if he doesn't do anything about it I can just as easily drop him like a hot stone and move on.

I got a text from the ex yesterday - an apple pay notification paying me back for something I bought him a couple months ago...$457 bucks. I did not respond. Not even a thank you. He is NOT trying to drag me back into his seven circles of hell...I think he's just settling up because he doesn't want me to take him to small claims court. I could but that would be a hassle and don't want to deal with that one iota. Now if I could only get that $3,000 back...would be nice but no chance in hell that'll happen.

Booyah posted 3/23/2021 14:38 PM

Fanny, in my humble opinion, why are you letting a guy you don't know kiss you?

Can't you see that you again are being lead by your emotions??

Who cares if it felt good. There are tons of things you can do and experience that feel great but ultimately are not good for you.

This is why you need to get into counseling. To figure out why you do things.

If you don't you're just going to repeat behaviors that are destructive to you.

Why open up pandoras box for crying out loud?

Can't you see that you treat your body (sex, kisses, etc) no differently than material things (jeep, boat, etc)? They're just commodities that are traded for each other.

Why do you have to be with a man?

When was the last time you didn't have a man in your life?

What's the longest you've gone without having a man in your life?

If you don't figure these things out you're just going to continue to make the same choices over and over and over again.

When are you going to get off the Merry-go-round?

FannyandCat posted 3/23/2021 14:54 PM

Booyah to answer your questions...

Why do you have to be with a man?
I don't...but I long for a life partner...someone to grow old with. I want a connection, attention, affection and someone I can count on. Yes, I have great friends and yes I see them often but if I'm brutally honest with myself I'm terribly lonely. And I'm jealous of those who have a man to spend their nights with because I want someone I can cuddle with at night too. I want someone to kiss at New Years and share Thanksgiving dinner with - someone to celebrate Christmas with and go on vacations...I want a partner. I don't have a family and don't have kids...so it's just me...and while I have a full life in so many other ways I just want someone I can look at and think of as my family. There I said it.

When was the last time you didn't have a man in your life?
This is the first time I've been single in a very long time. When I got divorced in 2012 I was single for 2 years before getting into a relationship...that ended in 2017 and I started with the ex not even a month later. So it's been about 7 years since I've been single.

What's the longest you've gone without having a man in your life?
Two years - 2012 to 2014. I was with my ex-husband for 11 years and before that always had a boyfriend.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 2:54 PM, March 23rd (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 3/23/2021 15:05 PM

You are instantly making some random guy you just met and donít know into a potential boyfriend.

Youíve looked him up via social media and are heading down the same path you just escaped from. You are putting your energy into a GUY instead if putting your focus and energy on YOU.

Maybe you should stop wishing for the things you want b/c you so desperately want them ó whether they are good for you or not.

Start focusing on how to make the right choices and better choices BEFORE you start down the relationship path.

DanielJK posted 3/23/2021 15:28 PM

You're not chasing him, but you looked him up on social media then stalked his ex?

You should ask the guys here if they would kiss a woman they just bought a car from and what they think about that.

My answer is he's a player just like your ex. Only a player would attempt to kiss a woman he just bought a car from. Sounds like a typical PUA to me.

You describe him as Mr. wonderful but he's been single for 2 years? You think he had any hookups during that time? How many hookups between his ex and you?

This really creeps me out.

HellFire posted 3/23/2021 15:34 PM

How is it,that he spent 3 hours with you,when he just came to look at the jeep? What went on during those 3 hours? What did you talk about?

Honestly, if a man I was trying to sell a jeep to, leaned over and gave me a romantic kiss,I would be offended. It would tell me he thinks I'm easy.

Did you invite him into your home?

FannyandCat posted 3/23/2021 15:44 PM

DanielJK - I wouldn't think looking up his ex on Facebook is crossing the stalking threshold. I just looked her up to see what she looked like.

And yes I looked him up too just to see what he was about - to see if he was telling the truth about himself and from what I saw he was. I thought of it as a security measure?

But you do have some salient points:

I don't know how many guys would kiss a girl they bought a car from. And I certainly don't know what they would think about the act (good, bad, horrible, etc.). I was completely surprised by it but didn't really delve into the details as to his motivation.

I don't know what a PUA is...

He said he dated a girl after the break up but it didn't go well - she had five kids so there wasn't much time for them to spend together. And we didn't hook up per se - it was just a kiss. But I don't know how many hook ups he's had or if he's still banging his ex.

Sigh - I'm going to go with what The1stWife said - it was a cute distraction and nothing more. Moving on...

I see the IC for the first time next week - I'll add this to the now never-ending list of shit I need to talk about.

newlife03 posted 3/23/2021 17:09 PM

it was a cute distraction and nothing more. Moving on...

I see the IC for the first time next week - I'll add this to the now never-ending list of shit I need to talk about

Sounds like a great plan! I think what will happen for you will be what happened for me. I ended up with a few bad frogs after the D because I also wanted all those things you mentioned. Hugs and cuddles at night, holiday dinners, etc. When I stopped wanting those things and started to focus just on my existing world I met SO. He's out there for you, and working on YOU will help see that

Booyah posted 3/23/2021 21:35 PM

Fanny you don't want to just find "someone", but rather you should want to find the right one.

Before you can find the right partner, you need to be the right partner. That starts with taking the time to find out who you are and how you can mend some of the broken areas.

Before you can ever expect anyone to love you you're going to have to love yourself first. I think if you're honest with yourself you have a hard time doing this. It's why you accept crumbs from men, put up with their bullshit, and why you feel the need to buy them things.

Don't look at getting into IC as "shit".

This is your life and you come first. You're worth it!!!

Glad you're starting IC.

Stick with it and let your walls down.

Belle25 posted 3/24/2021 07:31 AM

You seem to really thrive on dramatic situations and you latch on super quickly. You literally went from threatening to make your ex's life hell with your "ammo" to seemingly obsessing over some dude who kissed you after buying your jeep.

Just. Stop. Go to counseling, start a new hobby, get a penis-free distraction. Seriously. It's a cycle. Figure out why you're SO desperate for a man, any man, in your life (you will deny this, but your posts say otherwise). Best of luck.

DanielJK posted 3/24/2021 08:03 AM

PUA - Pick up artist

I just don't get a good feeling from it, but I'm just an internet stranger...so take it for what it's worth.

Like you, I know the pain of infidelity. It hurts bad. I don't want you (or me) to be there again.

I hope you find peace and happiness with a loving, respectful, and committed partner.

Charity411 posted 3/24/2021 08:22 AM

I'm with Daniel. Fanny you have described yourself physically as very small. You had an interaction with someone you knew nothing about in order to complete the sale of a car. As single women, we have to be wary in this day and age on a good day. You not only ended up spending 3 hours with this stranger, but you allowed him to kiss you. That should scare the living hell out of you.

What if he wanted more, and you suddenly didn't? What was your plan? And if you didn't have one, why the hell not? Of course you exchanged numbers. You had to because you were selling him a car. You seem to paint that as a hopeful sign. This guy was way out of line.

Try to figure out why you have no boundaries when it comes to men. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming your own episode of Dateline.

HellFire posted 3/24/2021 08:35 AM

You didn't answer my question, about whether he was in your house.

But since he came over to buy the jeep,then hung out for 3 hours, I will assume the answer is yes.

This was so very dangerous. You allowed a stranger into your home. He stayed for hours. He probably used the bathroom, so he became familiar with your home.

As pointed out, you have told us you are a very small woman.

A stranger, who you invited into your home,for hours, thought it was ok to touch you.

Alarm bells should be ringing.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:37 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)]

The1stWife posted 3/24/2021 10:08 AM

You went from a business transaction to intimacy (kiss) in no time.

That is not a relationship builder. He was testing the waters with you. To see if you are willing to go further. We are trying to point out the red flags to you so you can look at it from a different perspective.

Iíve had guys flirt with me. Itís a great ego boost. We all love the flattery. But you are ready to consider him a potential BF. And thatís what is where you are not being objective.

As I said. He was a cute distraction. Nothing more.

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