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FannyandCat posted 3/9/2021 06:01 AM

I don't know if he was hiding me or just didn't want to spend the time with me and came up with lies and excuses to do his own thing versus doing something with me.

But to break up with me with a FIVE WORD TEXT!?! And it was me that found him later that night to confront him - with his promise that he'd talk to me the next day that was nothing but words to get me to leave. It was me that went to him a few days later where he told me I wanted someone he didn't want to be - but that he loved me and just "needed space" - only to then lie through his teeth about stuff from the past.

I'm going through a lot right now besides this break up - I can't talk about it but he definitely knows about it. There was a major development about it on the Saturday before he dumped me and it was bad news. I immediately called him and told him how scared I was and we talked on the phone for 30 minutes while he calmed me down. Only for him to break up with me the very next day.

I have ALWAYS been there for him in his time of need. I always helped him and did everything I could to make things better. But then when I needed HIS help, HIS support and HIS shoulder he bolts. It was like two bombshells in 24 hours and truthfully I'm reeling.

The1stWife posted 3/9/2021 06:24 AM

we talked on the phone for 30 minutes while he calmed me down.

A whole 30 minutes!!! Isnít he generous.

You deserved more than that. Just another red flag in your history. You would have given him 30 hours. He barely gave you anything.

Bigger posted 3/9/2021 06:54 AM

You repeatedly tell us how horrible he is.
We repeatedly tell you he is.
You repeatedly find some mitigating circumstances.
We repeatedly tell you no.
You repeatedly focus on him, how to communicate with him, how to NOT communicate with himÖ
We repeatedly tell you to go into TOTAL NC.

Even all these posts about what he did or did not doÖ
He is OUT! Heís like that job you had when you were 18 where the manager short-stiffed you.
Heís like that time someone short-changed you.
Or the time someone cut you off in traffic.

HE IS PAST HISTORY!

Booyah posted 3/9/2021 07:14 AM

You control what you think about.

You can think about the good things with him which will tempt you to break NC and keep you from moving forward and getting on a healthier path (with counseling).

OR

You can do what chamomile suggested. Make a list of all the horrible things he's done to you over the years (and said). All the times he wasn't there for you.

May I also suggest you keep the list on you at all times so that when you start missing him and thinking about the good times you can pull the list out and shut this unhealthy thinking down IMMEDIATELY!!

The list is a reminder of who and what he really is and why you're in NC and why it's in your best interest to stay away from him because having him in your life is only going to bring you pain!!

Choosing to continually think/refect on him is just pain shopping.

It's like getting stabbed and cut every single time. So why do it??

The thought can enter your mind but you have the ability to SHUT it down immediately. Replace those thoughts with the truth.

Even if you have to pull that list out 100 times a day to do it!!

Eventually it will get lesser and lesser because your heart and mind will eventually get on the same page of who he is BUT more importantly the realization of who the new Fanny is becoming. Someone who values herself and one who is going to adhere to the healthy boundaries you've placed around yourself which will help keep you going down a path that will bring you joy, happiness and most importantly PEACE!!

DanielJK posted 3/9/2021 07:51 AM

But then when I needed HIS help, HIS support and HIS shoulder

You really don't need any of this. You stand on your own two feet.

A good book is "the journey from abandonment to healing." Give it a read.

We are all responsible for our own happiness.

We know you are reeling...we've all been there (or are there like me). But every time I read one of your posts is read he, him, his...start thinking about you...I, me, my.

FannyandCat posted 3/9/2021 16:51 PM

Right now I could use some peace...doesnít feel like Iíll have it for awhile.

Iím so angry with myself for thinking he loved me...or that he wanted a future with me. At this point I have to think about myself and my future...I donít have a choice to think otherwise. Jeep goes on the market next week. Another way of clawing out of this pit.

Once I overcome some personal obstacles and stop beating myself up Iíll have the chance to fix my broken self. Iím finally able to admit that Iím broken. On the outside it looks like I have it all together but the cold reality is Iím a mess. And I need some serious help. Only then will I be in a place to be with someone that values me.

Charity411 posted 3/9/2021 17:05 PM

We're here for you Fanny. Every step moving past him is a step in the right direction. I think you've come a long way already.

Booyah posted 3/9/2021 18:00 PM

Fanny you just took your first step (Admitting you need help)!!

Congrats.

Justsomeguy posted 3/9/2021 18:07 PM

Hey, I totally agree with the idea of a list! When I got onto my ill fated first post S relationship... hey that should be an acronym... I started acted flag list. I knew enough to know that I was an idiot when it came to relationships, so it made sense to have some objective record of some of the crazy making stuff that went on.

Well, sure enough, I find myself missing my exGF, so 9 crack the file to remind myself that i should not go back. Totally saved me and still does...

Wanttobebetter posted 3/9/2021 18:36 PM

Fanny, don't be too harsh on yourself. Waking away from a 7 year relationship is never easy nor admitting you are broken inside. I think you have shown tremendous growth.

Stay strong and don't look back.

Hurtmyheart posted 3/9/2021 21:06 PM

Noooo, don't sell the jeep. Keep it! And enjoy it! This is who you are, nothing to do with him.

I loved my jeep but we sold it to my son and his wife for cheap! And it was really nice; lifted, 4 wheel drive, tinted... my husband let my son and his wife take it over because a man asked me about it and it attracted attention. Ugh But I am happy that they have it now. Perfect for them and their lifestyle.

Poor Fanny, I think you went after this man for superficial reasons and ignored the flags, just like I did with my H when I first met him.

My H was very handsome and apparently the other women thought so too.

I think after some time and when you feel better and ready, prepare yourself for when you meet another man that you decide to get to know that person on a deeper level and don't ignore those initial red flags.


Hurtmyheart posted 3/9/2021 21:43 PM

Take this time to find the authentic you, the authentic Fanny. One thing for sure, we all already know that you have a loving, caring soul! That is a good start. Now raise that bar so high for yourself that anything less that comes along, you will automatically say thanks but no thanks.

tushnurse posted 3/10/2021 07:38 AM

Fanny - try to stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake or several. Big freaking deal. We all do.

Unless it resulted in harm to an innocent person it is something you can work through.

I am glad that you see you can use some help. Start with just making some positive affirmations of yourself each day. I found post it notes on the bathroom mirror, fridge, and steering wheel where helpful for me. Simple positive statements about me. Switch them out once a week or so. When you see it you read it 5 times and really take in that information. It is helpful.
As far as the shame, embarrassment, feeling bad about ones self goes it won't help you out of this unless you find it motivates you to start making changes, but most people get caught in the shame cycle, and that isn't good, totally unproductive.

So make a to do list, find a counselor for yourself.
Get rid of any evidence of him out of your home.
Delete any photos of you two together on social media (if you haven't) but make a conscious effort to excise him from your life so that you aren't stumbling across him and waxing poetical on a down day.

Keep reading and posting here. We will help you.

((((And Strength)))

FannyandCat posted 3/10/2021 08:40 AM

Had dinner with a good friend last night. Not that I ate much but I needed a shoulder and she gave me one in spades.

I've started praying at night. Asking for God's assistance to guide me through this. Hoping in the next couple of months I'll have a better picture of how things will play out both personally and professionally. Having that peace of mind will go a very long way in getting over the relationship.

One thing's for sure is I vow never to get myself involved with someone that goes against my morals, ethics and better judgement. Never again. I simply will not compromise my beliefs to fit someone else's.

newlife03 posted 3/10/2021 09:30 AM

Iím finally able to admit that Iím broken

I think in one way or another we all find ourselves thinking the same thing about ourselves. It's ok to be slightly broken, it keeps things interesting!

You've come a long long way from when you first started posting, and you'll do great going forward. Baby steps! And we are here to get you through it!

Booyah posted 3/10/2021 21:46 PM

Fanny just wanted to say keep on praying!!

He will guide your steps if you'll let him.

FannyandCat posted 3/11/2021 08:50 AM

Reached out to a therapist yesterday only to be told her schedule is full. She asked if I wanted referrals so I wrote back saying I did.

Work is all consuming right now so that's keeping me busy. Also took on a second job just to keep me occupied in the evenings...the extra money is a nice perk.

Throwing myself into volunteer work too - going to an event on Saturday and taking time off from work two Friday's in a row later this month to pack boxes at the local food bank. Not only does it feel good but it keeps me busy and gives me a chance to meet new people.

There's a big meeting next week with some very important people that literally has me terrified. Not to sound too dramatic but a large part of how this year will play out is on the line. I have support and doing my best to keep my composure but it's literally taking over my entire existence. Please send your prayers, good vibes, mojo or whatever you got a week from today. I need all the positive thinking I can get.

The1stWife posted 3/12/2021 03:01 AM

Sending positive vibes your way regarding your work meeting.

Love the other things you are doing too.

Just keep telling yourself one day at a time - just continue to move forward as best you can.

Buster123 posted 3/12/2021 08:02 AM

One thing's for sure is I vow never to get myself involved with someone that goes against my morals, ethics and better judgement. Never again. I simply will not compromise my beliefs to fit someone else's.
As long as you always keep this in mind, you will be just fine and successful.

FannyandCat posted 3/12/2021 11:27 AM

I have my first appointment with an IC on 3/29. My employer will even pay for the first six sessions. Didn't know that.

I have a lot to unravel...this will help I hope.

Please keep me in your prayers on 3/17.

I don't want to miss him but I do. I don't want to talk to him but I do. I don't want him in my life anymore but hate that I still love him. I don't WANT to love him! I hate that I put up with so much shit for so many years and didn't leave. I hope therapy will help me figure out why I choose men that treat me like garbage, take my money and give no love back.

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