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The1stWife posted 3/3/2021 16:35 PM

Had you not seen him today you would be on day 3 of no contact.

Now start from day 1. Keep moving forward.

ChamomileTea posted 3/3/2021 17:32 PM

I know why I pick men like him. He’s sort of like my ex-husband. Destitute, always in need of a life preserver, enabling family and incapable of living as an independent adult. It’s a combination of a “knight in shining armor” syndrome and superiority complex. I like being in control and being in charge. And the saddest part is I use money as a means for that control. Pathetic I know. I see these poor, helpless men and I think can swoop down and “save” them.

You said earlier that you've done IC before and not gained too much from the experience, but here in the quote box above, you've really landed on some great insight. And while awareness is good, a competent therapist can help you pick it apart and find out what it means and where it came from.

You're not the only person this has ever happened to. Lots of people end up with a real need to fix their picker. But it's hard to install meaningful boundaries when you're on your own and feeling unsupported and sad from a break-up. This site is great, but it's no substitute for IRL support. I think you might get more out of it this time because now you KNOW what you need to work on... setting boundaries and getting to the bottom of your need to rescue. I would add to that "learning to identify and expect reciprocity in a relationship" and "rejecting the potential of a perspective love interest". "Potential" can mess you up, and it's an easy trap to fall into. Once you do, it will keep you ignoring what you see with your own eyes.

I would also recommend a book for you, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. She does a great job helping people understand how the trauma of a break up affects both mind and body, and why it's so hard to let go. She's also got a few tools in her kit to get you started ministering to your own needs so you start feeling a bit stronger and more sure of yourself.

Don't wait a year to get back out there. You're smart and it shows. It won't take you long to fix your picker once you start really focusing on it. All you need is a bit of determination on your part and maybe some guidance to keep you steady.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 5:37 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday)]

Charity411 posted 3/3/2021 18:24 PM

Fanny, ChamomileTea is exactly right. I was no where near as astute as you are about observing why you think you are making these choices when I went through this. You are half way there in that you can recognize where it's coming from.

You work in IT. I would imagine it requires ongoing training because things change constantly, and if you don't train to meet the needs of the new technology it won't work. You need to approach therapy like that training. It's not designed to find fault in you. It's designed to teach you skills you didn't know you need.

tushnurse posted 3/3/2021 18:48 PM

Fanny I want to share a few thoughts. Take em or leave em.

1. You are and need to grieve the relationship you thought you had. The loss you are going through and heal yourself properly. A good IC trained in trauma can really help you do thos in a healthy way. Then you can work on fixing your picker.

2. Intellectually you get it. Emotionally you don't. Refer back to point one to learn how to choose to live through Intellectual decisions and not act and react emotionally. It makes life a lot easier.

3. Booyah made an excellent post. Its hard and tough but really good. Its ok to bead qt him for it but as I have always said if a post here pisses you off. Take a time out. Step back and then when cooled off read it again as an observer. It will usually help you reach new levels of self understanding.

4. Don't go away this time. Stick around. Let us help you heal. Let us encourage you caution you and hold you to some self accountability.

5. Block him on personal stuff phones emails social media. Make it difficult to see what he is up to. Make it hard for you to respond when he reaches out. And he will. And being horny is NOT a reason to start up again. That is not a good reason to let him back in. In fact there are no reasons to let him back in.

Feel the feels. Heal your heart. Work on you. You are strong smart eloquent and brave. Get your picker fixed quality men will come knocking.

FannyandCat posted 3/3/2021 20:08 PM

Seeing him today felt like a good send off. And while I’m sure I’ll see him at the pool or grocery store he can look all he wants because there’s nothing left to say. He may be gorgeous on the outside but he’s cold and rotten on the inside. He complained to me today that he’ll never buy a house and be a renter for the rest of his life. Boo fucking hoo. Part of me wonders if one of the reasons we didn’t work out is due to the fact that my success bothers him. Not jealousy per se more like a combination of resentment and regret for the litany of bad decisions he’s made throughout his life.

Then again no one forced me to stick around and accept his crumbs. No one forced me to lavish him with gifts. That’s all on me and me alone. So while he’s made a series of horrible choices so have I. I’m no better.

I was on the phone with a good friend tonight and came to an epiphany of sorts...

Every long term relationship I’ve been in the man has moved in with me. I’ve never moved in with someone. Might seem a bit trite but for whatever reason it spoke volumes. For once I want to move into HIS place! And maybe I won’t take a whole year off from dating but I definitely need a break. Talking to another friend today she thought I should “get back on the horse” so to speak and try online dating. Uh, no thank you.

In fact today I signed up with three volunteer organizations and thought about hobbies that match my interests. It’s all about me for now. I have the best friends around but there’s always room to meet new people. I spent so much damn time on him I forgot about myself. It was always what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it and any time I wanted to do something he either made a big show about what a hassle it was or simply refused to do it. I asked him to take me to a certain neighborhood to look at Christmas lights and while he did you’d think I asked him to solve the energy crisis.

And truth be told I don’t have a problem meeting men. But I DO have a problem meeting good men. And I have an even bigger problem picking the good from the bad. AND an even BIGGER problem thinking my body and salary are the way to keep a man - maybe Booyah is right about that one. The right man will love me for me...the loud, kind of obnoxious and altogether a bit quirky me.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 8:14 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday)]

Charity411 posted 3/3/2021 20:26 PM

I'm so glad you have good friends around you. Because you could be my sister from another mister, here's the thing. Don't beat yourself up. You were up against a pro who wanted your money. You'll see it clearly soon and you're gonna be pissed. And all that chemistry is going to be dust in the wind. And as Martha would say, that's a good thing.

Booyah posted 3/3/2021 22:49 PM

Fanny your last post shows glimpses that you're catching on.

You have shown by what you've shared here on SI that you're willing to invest in other people (which is awesome and shows a wonderful attribute about yourself).

Why not invest in yourself??

Let's push all this other bullshit to the side and talk about why you're so unwilling to work on you and find out what's broken inside of you and how to fix it?

I think we can all appreciate the fact that you may have had a bad experience with a past therapist.

Given today's climate and using zoom I would think someone here on SI could recommend an awesome therapist.

Would you at least be willing to give it a try?

If so I'm sure you'd get some great recommendations by some folks here (sending you a private message).

Fanny you are worth it!!!

How awesome would it be to see yourself not through someone else's eyes (or getting validation from them) but by seeing yourself from your own lens, own spirit, and who God created you to be???

AND

More importantly loving that person!!!!

I think we would all love for you to stick around so that we can encourage you while you get into therapy.

There's some incredible women here who you could continue to learn from as well and as you can see they truly care about you. People like charity, tushnurse, 1stWife, chamomile, cat, and numerous others.

Tap into their wisdom as it comes from painful experience and they're willing to share it with you.

I'm pretty encouraged by your last post but it's one step.

Are you willing to go down a journey that will require a ton of courage and reflection and pain but ultimately facing it head on (and putting in the work with the right therapist) can take you to a place that you've been seeking your entire life?

A place of peace for crying out loud!!

This loser you were dating (if you could call it that) needs to be cut out of your life completely!! He's a distraction and ultimately keeping you from achieving what you're seeking.

Everything starts with a choice and than taking action and putting boundaries in place that protect what you're trying to achieve.

Thoughts?

FannyandCat posted 3/4/2021 06:57 AM

Today is officially the first day of NO CONTACT. But it wasn't without a bump...

So he had signed up for a chat app (telegram) because he's so far right on the political spectrum he could talk to like-minded people. When I first found out about it he brushed it off as just being "curious" but of course I would check periodically and see that he hadn't touched it since we spoke about it. Well, this morning I'm doing a sweep of the phone to remove him and decided to check it one last time before removing the app. Well lo and behold I see that he was active on it as of 8:16 p.m. last night. At first I thought to myself,"I can't wait to tell him I saw him active on telegram" but then stopped myself and thought, "STOP IT - why do you even care!??!" and quickly deleted the app without further thought.

First step forward...thank you The1stWife for pointing that out.

I do need recommendations for a therapist. Where do I even start with that? I have a crazy past that would make Lifetime blush and while I thought I had moved past all of it there has to be a reason I keep gravitating towards men like him, my ex and pretty much every other man I've dated.

I also took him out of my contacts on my work IM so I no longer know when he's at work or not. Again, I DON'T CARE.

My birthday is a month away or so and that's not going to be easy. And while I know he was a total douche on my previous birthdays I was brimming with hope that this year he'd do something special. Now that's no longer an option. I have to deal with that. I'm sure that I sound like a broken record about this but this is part of the grieving process, right?

Bigger posted 3/4/2021 07:10 AM

Fanny

I worry that our posts on your thread might seem a little harsh…

Sometimes gentler and kinder words can convey the same message, but that doesn’t change the content of what the message is trying to get across. Sort of like if you want someone to leave your home you might start off with having words like “please” in your sentences, but once you realize they aren’t complying to or understanding what you are getting across you might add harder, more direct words. “Please, it might be better if you leave” turns into “I want you out of my house” to “Get the F%%K out of my house NOW!”; all basically the same message, but maybe the later grabs your attention…

I mention this because from day 1 many of us (if not all) have been telling you this man isn’t a keeper. It’s clear that wasn’t the message you wanted to hear and (at least) I got the feeling you weren’t listening. We needed new and different ways of getting the message across.
Fortunately he solved our dilemma with his text…

We are now trying to get the message across that you need to minimize and even eliminate all contact. Even the “indirect” contact where you dress up and flaunt it in front of him, showing your power by demanding and negotiating a payment plan… (Send an e-mail asking he pay it back IF YOU CAN PROVE he got the money from you…).
Fortunately it does sound like you are receiving and maybe even following that message…

The reason for this post however is your comment about bad experiences in the past with IC…

Fanny – with the BEST of intentions: IC requires both that you LISTEN and ARE OPEN to what the IC says…
I strongly urge you to try IC again but this time with that in mind: You need to be open for what the IC says and suggests.

DanielJK posted 3/4/2021 07:11 AM

I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm really not...but

There are 14 references to "he" or "him" in your post.

Start to focus on you. Put him in the past.

Catwoman posted 3/4/2021 07:12 AM

I do need recommendations for a therapist. Where do I even start with that?

I would start with your primary care physician and, if your employer has one, an EAP. As you explore what is available, I would make a list of the things you want to accomplish, starting with valuing yourself as YOU vs. how you define yourself in a relationship. Think about learning about HEALTHY relationships in all walks of life: family, friends and romantic partners. Think about examining your FOO and the false narrative that your FOO has put in your head. Think about challenging yourself with these false narratives. Think about working to stop yourself from equating gifts and generosity with love. Think about teaching people how to treat you by NOT accepting poor treatment.

While you're doing all that, I have a book recommendation for you: Why Men Love Bitches. DO NOT be put off by the title--it's a VERY good book about not losing yourself in a relationship and not going all out to impress a guy. It's about being true to yourself. I think it's a great book.

I've not read it, but Lose a Cheater, Gain a Life is supposed to be good.

NC is empowering, and the longer you maintain it, the better you will feel.

Have you blocked him from every single avenue of communication? Social media, email, smoke signals, etc.? If not, you need to do that as well.

Remember that this is a journey, not a destination.

Cat

tushnurse posted 3/4/2021 08:03 AM

Psychology today has a great search feature put in your area and trauma they will give you a list to work from then call your insurance or look up your provider directory to see who is covered in the meantime use your HR IEP program if your company has one.

leafields posted 3/4/2021 09:38 AM

Go to your insurance carrier's website and search for mental health providers, or behavioral health providers. The site should show who is accepting new patients and what their specialties are. Look for one that deals with betrayal trauma, infidelity, or any type of specialty that you feel is helpful. Go to the website of the providers and read about them, and find one who resonates with you.

The1stWife posted 3/4/2021 09:58 AM

Ummmmm.... he broke via text.

I doubt even if you were together he planned to do anything for your birthday.

This is where you continue he to holdout hope for someone who isn’t worth it. He was NEVER going to be the guy you deserved. You need to start seeing him for the reality he was- and not for the CRUMBS he gave you to keep you dangling.

You were both driving on a one way street. Your path was the direction of the arrow on the road. His path was in the opposite direction. The wrong direction.

I hope you see that.

FannyandCat posted 3/4/2021 11:04 AM

I'm just a mess of emotions...

Can you hate someone and love them at the same time? I hate him for how he treated me and the way he broke up with me but I miss him terribly too thinking about the good times. I miss talking to him and our daily banter. But I won't contact him - I NEED to stay far, far away. I guess this is the grieving process in all its raw glory.

I never want to meet someone like him EVER again. I want to be with someone that wants the same things I want. Someone that doesn't mind spending their time with me and has the same goals and aspirations. Someone that wants to take me out and make me a part of his life. But man it's SO hard to stop the heartbreak. I know I'm better off and this is definitely the right thing to do so why does it hurt so damn much?!

I didn't get this far in life succumbing to weakness so my proverbial suit of armor is on nice and tight. But on the inside I'm a bowl of mush and just want to cry my eyes out. Today is the first day I've had tears. I need to live through the pain, live through the heartbreak, take it day by day (maybe even hour by hour) and keep reminding myself that I'm doing the right thing and the man I loved was a delusion of grandeur.

My friends are awesome and definitely there for me so if I need a shoulder to cry on they'll be there. But right now I'm alone in my office talking to all of you and needing the biggest hug ever. I HATE THIS.

Lalagirl posted 3/4/2021 11:09 AM

Oh sweetie, you are allowed to grieve! You can't just turn off that switch. You are a beautiful human being and that's how us beautiful human beings are wired.

I'm glad you're coming here to express your feelings and hope that it keeps you in complete NC with him.

Here's that big hug you asked for:

(((((((((Fanny&Cat)))))))))

You've got this, SI sister, and we are right here! And spend as much time with those awesome friends as possible, and do something really nice for you this weekend (a nice massage and mani-pedi come to mind...)

Charity411 posted 3/4/2021 11:29 AM

When you're getting tempted to contact him, make a conscious choice to switch gears. Like maybe start putting together plans for a Birthday Weekend Extravaganza for yourself. Whatever you love to do. Spa treatments, dinner with friends, shopping somewhere you haven't been in a long time, maybe a boat ride (just kidding ) and stuff like that. The act of planning it will take the focus off him and put back on to you.

newlife03 posted 3/4/2021 11:35 AM

I'm sure that I sound like a broken record about this but this is part of the grieving process, right?

Today is the first day I've had tears. I need to live through the pain, live through the heartbreak, take it day by day (maybe even hour by hour)

Yes, you must allow yourself to grieve the loss of your relationship and the future you had planned. Let yourself feel the pain as much as it sucks! I read once, maybe on here back in 2006, that the only way to get to the other side of the pain is to go THROUGH it. Or maybe it was when I lost my dad. Either way, we have to let ourselves feel the loss. Everyday that pain will be a little less.

If you must take your day by the hour, go for it! That's what I did after the first Dday. Eventually I stopped looking at the clock for the time.

The1stWife posted 3/4/2021 11:36 AM

It is normal to be a jumble of emotions.

It is expected you will miss him and it will take time to get into a routine where you get used to doing things without him.

Be kind to yourself. Little things right now can make a difference like a good cup of coffee or tea, a nice lunch or reading a good book.

Booyah posted 3/4/2021 17:02 PM

"I guess this is the grieving process".

BINGO Fanny!!!

It sucks and yes it's extremely painful but something we have to go through.

Have the courage to face it because things will get better in time.

There's an opportunity to grow in this pain.

Every time you go back to him (break NC) you're just putting yourself back at square one.

You can do this!!

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