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not married yet-the whole story

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flossy posted 3/26/2021 10:37 AM

hi guys
i havent been on here for a month..so much has happened.
i was actually doing really well with no contact.
couple things that happened
my ex called my dad crying saying he was sorry for hurting my family and me.
i met up with him in person and he finally told the truth. things hes never admitted to before. he was finally open and honest. he owns up to what he has done and describes it as something in his subconcious that needs attention
he started going to counselling.
i basically was at peace with whatever was going to happen. i knew that we would not be together in the next year but it could happen where we were together later in the future. however i was ok with being alone and finding someone else too. at first he was soo good about respecting my wishes of keeping contact low. then it started to increase and i couldnt say no to him. we hung out many times in the past two weeks. he started then to believe we were getting back together. i find him a little delusional? i literally had to say, we are not together i am using you not to be alone.
then last night we were hanging out and i was looking for a song on his phone.. i then began to snoop and he said well if we aren't together you shouldnt really be doing that. this triggered me. nd when im triggered i go silent and told him to take me home. he tried to back track and say of course if we are gonna be together i want you to look through my phone. i went home and finally blocked his number cause that was the only thing i hadnt blocked. i guess he found out and came to my house. "you cant just do this to me!?" is what he said. then lots of crying.

i actually feel guilty cause i was really mean to him. although, i just told him straight up things he has done....
im so confused and feel like im back at day one. he slept over after i told him to go home. he left this morning and i will keep his number blocked
im in the middle of getting my paper work done to go to the states to travel nurse (im canadian) im hoping to be gone in a month.
im not sure why im posting here but i just feel when he cries and tells me im being mean to him, like grow up, we are here because of you. i actually look down on him when he is doing this.

katmandude54 posted 3/26/2021 11:00 AM

Get away before you have to untangle legal aspects due to marriage. This IS serious, but you have a very clear path OUT since you are not married. He is not the ONE to make a life with, he IS the one to get away from. Quickly. Once you are married, with kids, a house, mortgage, bills, all the life connections, it will be nigh on impossible for you to get away. And he WILL cheat. He has not done anything to change his emotional neediness for attention. You. Can't. Fix. Him.
Learn from this, learn the cheating methodology, find a good person, one who can commit without qualification, and then spend your life with them. Don't even think of the future as it pertains to the cheating BF.
I married TWO serial cheaters, had kids with both (one child turned out NOT to biologically be mine even). And I have been VERY lucky to escape both times (well, I'm within 45 days of the second escape).
Don't look back
Good luck

Charity411 posted 3/26/2021 11:14 AM

"you cant just do this to me!?"

Think about this quote from him for a while. What do you think that means? You didn't do anything to him. You responded to what he did to you, and rightly I might add. Those are chilling words.

These tears are not about love. They are about control. It's about how dare you say no to him. How dare you think you deserve better. Who do you think you are? Is that what you want to be married to?

When I was in a very long bad relationship with someone, and I finally woke up and left, I got those exact words thrown in my face. Not just from him either. He had his mother call my sister and say "She can't do this to him!". This guy had lied to me, cheated on me, ripped me off, and almost ruined my career, without so much as a thought for what it meant for me as a single mother. What "I did to him" was take away his control over me. No more free ride. No more being a door mat for his pleasure, while he did whatever he felt like. And let me tell you, there were plenty of tears from him. Love had nothing to do with it. It was anger over his loss of any ability to manipulate me.

This guy went on to stalk me for years. Literally, to the point of criminal charges. Take it from me. Run from this guy and don't look back. Cut off any avenue of contact. You will come to deeply regret it if you don't.

HalfTime2017 posted 3/26/2021 12:09 PM

Your BF is a classic Narcissist. Go look up that term and compare your BF and your relationship and I would bet he has plenty of those tendencies based on what you wrote.

Look, he's been a cheater the whole time you were together, you were told that he was a cheater before you got together. Everyone on here is telling you he is a cheater and to run. When will you BELIEVE what everyone is trying to tell you?

His crying is all that nonsense is just a show. My exWWs AP cried all the time, the whole time he was apologizing to his wife, he was banging mine. So don't put much weight into fake tears. Girls can use crying as a form of manipulation, why can't guys.

Cut him out of your life. You are only 28. YOu have so much more time to find someone good. Look around and see so many people on this board repeat Ddays b/c they chose to stay with their cheaters. YOu already know your BF is a serial cheater. If you stay with him, you will be cheated on again in the future.

tushnurse posted 3/26/2021 12:43 PM

BLOCK HIM 100%.
If he shows up tell him to leave immediately, if he doesnt call the cops.

This clown is a manipulative ass. DO NOT ALLOW him back in your life because you feel guilty because he can cry.

ACTIONS are what matters, he has done nothing to own his actions and be a safe partner. He is manipulating you.

RUN Flossy RUN!!!!!!

Txquail posted 3/26/2021 16:30 PM

Be thankful your not married yet. End the relationship and move on. There's a lot of single honorable people out there. Dating is the process of searching for the person whom you can learn to trust. If you can't trust the person, break it off, move to the next person. Sooner or later you'll find the right person.

aprilfool1985 posted 3/26/2021 20:34 PM

Flossy, I would be willing to bet that he did not ďfinally tell the truthĒ about everything.

He has had multiple infidelities with multiple partners. Really telling the truth about all that would be an involved process.

I too wanted a relationship because I was scared to be alone. I ended up in a marriage with someone who didnít understand how to really contribute to a relationship or a family. This kind of partner will keep wounding and triggering you throughout your life, through immaturity or narcissism or ignorance. This is a drain on your life. I hope that you will find strength.

flossy posted 3/28/2021 11:31 AM

thank you again for the replies. it always helps so much. i really soak up all your information
something i am dealing with today is my parents really like my bf and are aware of what mostly happened. they believe that he is working on himself and truly sorry.
what my dad said to me today was "youre never going to get that all in feeling" because i told him i was never 100% about getting married to him
he basically said my bf is such a good guy that i should try to work this out with him because "how much longer do i want to wait before settling down"
this really got to me! like my bf was/is really good to me. i could see our lives being pretty good if i decided to get past this with him.

im just scared again that im making the wrong decision. that no one is perfect. and im never going to have the feeling of feeling amazingly in love.

grubs posted 3/28/2021 12:13 PM

Your BF is a mask wearer. He's good at presenting himself as good. You've seen behind the mask when it's slipped. Your father has not. Your father will also not be the one living through the hell the BF will put you through. He's failed during the easy times. He's going to fail worse when things get rougher down the road.

Txquail posted 3/28/2021 12:29 PM

thank you again for the replies. it always helps so much. i really soak up all your information
something i am dealing with today is my parents really like my bf and are aware of what mostly happened. they believe that he is working on himself and truly sorry.
what my dad said to me today was "youre never going to get that all in feeling" because i told him i was never 100% about getting married to him
he basically said my bf is such a good guy that i should try to work this out with him because "how much longer do i want to wait before settling down"
this really got to me! like my bf was/is really good to me. i could see our lives being pretty good if i decided to get past this with him.

im just scared again that im making the wrong decision. that no one is perfect. and im never going to have the feeling of feeling amazingly in love.

Let me say this. If you ask most Betrayed Spouses, the will tell you that you're better off ending this relationship now. Its a lot easier to lose it now than after a few years of marriage with children.

Who needs to live with this decision? You or your parents. Do not keep a relationship that YOU don't feel like you have the trust and the honesty with your partner.

TRUST ME. If you continue, you may be back here later in life with a worst story.

Drop this guy and find someone who will treat you correctly and with honor. Don't stick with it because you are afraid your alone.

jb3199 posted 3/28/2021 14:32 PM

im just scared again that im making the wrong decision. that no one is perfect. and im never going to have the feeling of feeling amazingly in love.

Do you think that you are going to feel amazingly in love with bf if you stay? Knowing what he is capable of? Especially after you commit to marriage?

Something to really think about.

ChamomileTea posted 3/28/2021 15:38 PM

something i am dealing with today is my parents really like my bf and are aware of what mostly happened. they believe that he is working on himself and truly sorry.

Your parents don't have to wake up with this guy in their bed every morning. They won't feel the burden of living as the marriage police. So, it really doesn't matter what they want. It matters what YOU want.

The reason why so many people have been waving you off, is that this behavior tends to escalate. There's a biochemical cocktail being delivered to the brain when people engage in this kind of risky behavior, adrenaline, dopamine, etc. And as the "user" gets more and more accustomed to his "dosage", he tends to seek out more risk. So, it all comes down to what kind of treatment is he getting and will it be effective? It's too soon to tell, right?

I'm not saying that your WBF can't recover. He might. And if he does, he might end up being a fine partner. But you are at no obligation to put your life on hold on the off-chance he can pull it together. That's entirely YOUR CALL. This is your REAL life we're talking about, and it would take a considerable amount of time for you to wait on his recovery. Even then, you've got no guarantee against relapse. This kind of behavior is tough to eradicate and life is full of future stressors which would challenge his fortitude. So, take your time and make a choice that YOU can live with.

Cooley2here posted 3/28/2021 15:52 PM

Several years ago I read a blog written by a young woman about your age. She had not been married but a few months when her husband ghosted her. He had charmed her entire family and started working in her familyís business. When she tracked him down he had already started a new life with a new fiancť. He was still married.

People like this arenít sad or miserable. They are very good liars. They could win prizes. They do not love, care about, empathize with others. It is always about them. Never about you.

You dodged a bullet. Keep runnung.

flossy posted 3/28/2021 20:09 PM

ok thank you guys
i just think in my head that you guys dont fully understand the whole story or understand him because obviously you cant via the internet.
but i know right now that we can not be together.
he needs to figure himself out and i need to heal.
its just the overwhelming fear that i wont find someone else and that im making the wrong decision
and i know this is what everyone thinks.
I just find it hard when my family is on the opposite side of helping me in this time.
jb3199 - i never felt that feeling our whole relationship which was always conerning to me but ive never been in a relationship before so i didnt know what was normal
chamomiletea - thanks for seeing both sides, it helps to hear that maybe one day he will change. right now im making the decision to be on my own and travel and do what i couldnt when i was with him. if we are meant to be we will be
cooley2here - i hope i will see that i dodged a bullet one day.

The1stWife posted 3/29/2021 01:13 AM

Your cheater is upset I ended for no other reason than he looks bad. He didnít care he lied and cheated. He only cared that you disgraced him.

Your cheater is a con artist. He fooled your parents. He is manipulative. He says inappropriate things. Heís not sorry he hurt you. He can pretend he is but heís not. His behavior shows that.

No contact. Best advice for you.

Do you want to be facing this drama after 3 years of marriage and kids and home and financially tangled up?

BTW my experience has been that every one I know (15 people) who were cheated in while dating and married the cheater, were cheated on while married. Itís who the spouse was and is. A cheater.

Jambomo posted 3/29/2021 01:16 AM

Just tell me this
is it better to live a single life- never marry and have children.

then to marry someone who has been unfaithful online. and live a possibly happy life.

Yes it is.

I was with my Ex for 14 years (never married or had kids). I was so scared of being alone, because I am - I have a few friends who all live in difference cities and I moved here for work so (due to Covid) canít get out and meet people yet.

I LOVE it. Living on my own is brilliant, I go walking, go to cafes and have lunches, I do what I want, when I want. Itís bloody marvellous.

The main thing though, is that people completely underestimate the mental strain and sadness living with someone who cheats brings on you. You are always wondering, is it really his sister heís talking to? Where is he REALLY going and who with? Exhausting and it makes you very unhappy. Not dealing with that has been the best thing ever.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 2:05 AM, March 29th (Monday)]

newlife03 posted 3/29/2021 10:27 AM

i guess he found out and came to my house. "you cant just do this to me!

This part scares me. You blocked him to avoid hearing from him, and then he shows up at the house.

If he shows up again, tell him to leave. If he doesn't, call the police. You are trying to define boundaries and he keeps crossing them.

he basically said my bf is such a good guy that i should try to work this out with him because "how much longer do i want to wait before settling down"
this really got to me! like my bf was/is really good to me. i could see our lives being pretty good if i decided to get past this with him.
im just scared again that im making the wrong decision. that no one is perfect. and im never going to have the feeling of feeling amazingly in love.

So basically you are expected to settle down with him knowing what you know? Your lives won't be pretty good without trust, and honestly I don't see trust in your future. I also do not believe he told you "everything." Trickle truth has a nasty way of appearing when it's least expected and it only brings more hurt. There is more to know about his indiscretions. His tears mean nothing, he wasn't crying when he cheated.

No one is perfect, but multiple partners means he has no respect for you. You deserve someone who can't imagine being with anyone else. Someone who looks into your eyes and sees only you. Yes, the feeling of being amazingly in love is possible with someone who is truly wanting only YOU. You deserve this.

flossy posted 3/29/2021 15:22 PM

newlife03
thank you for this reply it was honest and hopeful. i feel like i just needed someone to say YES you will find someone you love!!
I just need to start believing this.

faithfulman posted 3/29/2021 16:01 PM

Flossy - in general I lean toward breaking up with cheaters, even after the lifelong entanglement of marriage, shared finances, assets, and children.

But in your case, you have none of that stuff to worry about.

You also have a man who is a known multiple-time cheater.

And even if he was a single-period cheater, at this stage of the relationship, the best bet is to let him go.

***

I'm sure your dad loves you, but it is hard to fathom him trying to convince you to stay with a guy who would disrespect you so badly. I think you'll need to work that out later.

Please run, run like the wind, and if he comes around again, be very clear that you don't want him in your life anymore, surreptitiously record it if you can, then it is restraining order time.

Good luck to you!

flossy posted 4/2/2021 22:58 PM

hi guys. its been one week and one day with NO contact....
i feel ok. but im feeling the loneliness. To be honest i never thought something like this would ever happen to me. i thought i was "smarter or better" then that. how funny that is to think.
i just wanted to come on here because i get the most understanding statements then anywhere else.
im in the darkness right now, where i can only see my feet taking steps..but i dont see whats waiting for me.
im really trying to change my mindset. believe that something better is for me and that he really isnt the one

i got a long message from his mom last night just about how sad she is and how beautiful she thought we were together. she told me i was her dream daughter in law. she tells me that she knows he is fully committed to me.
these texts get me very confused and nastalgic. i waited a while to respond and basically said, a relationship cant be good which is built on lies.

i feel im back at square one again. not that having a bf/partner is the end goal. but its what i want in life.
i dont know what i expect to hear from you. just kinda wanted to vent.
im hoping to move from canada to washington in the next month to start travel nursing. so theres a positive

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