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Vent: online dating and women

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

silverhopes posted 2/21/2021 08:32 AM

Yay!!!!! Congratulations, Justsomeguy! She sounds awesome, and your first date sounds like you both had a great time. Hope your next time together is every bit as enjoyable.

Karmafan posted 2/21/2021 11:00 AM

From venting to smiling...you have come quite a long way JSG

skeetermooch posted 2/21/2021 12:10 PM

Congrats!! Archery sounds awesome - activity dates are the best. Rock climbing and snow activities are fun too. I like when the activity is relatively new to both parties - the shared dorky-ness is pretty hilarious.

SoHappyNow posted 2/21/2021 14:36 PM

Alonelyagain, you wrote

For me, I find that the conversation flows better with women who have a graduate degree or higher.

I would like to gently tell you that not every intelligent person seeks higher education. In my college years, I realized that my chosen major (philosophy) was not a career choice unless I wanted to go on for a doctorate. So I dropped out of college, just over halfway through.

Yet my brain got me into Mensa. You may be losing out on some very bright women, you know.

Alonelyagain posted 2/21/2021 17:02 PM

SHN, I know that you’re right and have had some second thoughts about using education level as a screen on OLD for intelligence which is a trait that I find attractive. Outside of OLD, I have met many women and men who are intelligent and don’t have a college degree. If I meet a woman who is intelligent, I wouldn’t not date her solely because she doesn’t have a college degree. Unfortunately, there is a numbers game aspect to OLD that seemingly weighs against determining whether a woman having “high school” or “some college” education level in their profile would be compatible with me (and it’s a two-way street, I may bore the hell out of her). Women I’ve met on OLD with graduate degrees have told me that they use the same screening for the same reason, while recognizing that there are intelligent men without a college degree.

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 9:59 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

skeetermooch posted 2/21/2021 17:37 PM

For me it's not about intelligence but it's the kind of discourse that a graduate education trains you in that I enjoy engaging in with partners. I've certainly met non-degreed people, who were quite bright and fascinating but I like people who speak academese

leafields posted 2/21/2021 22:41 PM

JSG, glad your date went well. What about hiking the suspension bridge, followed by hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps or Fireball?

SHN I have no degree, but people assume I have a masters or higher. I can hang with doctors or lawyers.

[This message edited by leafields at 10:45 PM, February 21st (Sunday)]

JanaGreen posted 2/21/2021 22:58 PM

JSG, so happy to hear that the date went well!

Justsomeguy posted 2/22/2021 18:39 PM

Update.

So I texted her that I would like to see her this week even of it were for a pint and she agreed. I'm getting the sense that she might like me, but early stages.

Today, she sent me a link to a poem she read and at made her think of me. She knows I teach English. Anyway, that's a good sign. She is coming up with reasons to text me.

If things progress well, I will have to broach the subject of covid bubbles. I don't have anyone in mine but my kids, and what I am, we are allowed two people if we live alone.

Any ideas how I should do this without being creepy? Also, I want her to know that I want to break the bubble. Not an innuendo...but maybe that too.

skeetermooch posted 2/22/2021 19:26 PM

It's kind of like the early days of HIV, when we had to have testing and condom talks. I would keep it simple, ie. So, with pandemic I guess we should talk bubbles - how are you keeping safe or what are your thoughts...? Then, with the ice broken, you can put your cards on the table in terms of preferences.


Justsomeguy posted 2/23/2021 23:55 PM

Update...feels funny to even type that. Wow, I have a life that includes updates. Hmmmm.


Just got back from our second date. Spent three hours at a pub just talking. It was a bit awkward at first, but it soon got comfortable. We got to know so.e more about each other. Both very cautious, which is great. Again, we dont know enough about each other to make any qualatative judgments yet. But I can officially say that I gave a social life of sorts.

We agreed to do it again.i think she is somewhat interested but cautious and guarded. That's good news for me as it signals a high quality woman who knows her self worth.

WhoTheBleep posted 2/24/2021 08:09 AM

JSG, I'm so happy for you. And yes, you do have a social life!! There is life after the infidelity shit show. And it's better than you can ever imagine.

It's a good feeling, isn't it? The possibilities...

Justsomeguy posted 2/28/2021 11:03 AM

Update. We have had two talk dates now, so I suggested we do something fun. Tonight we go bowling and hopefully have a good time. The funny thing is that I'm just not feeling a connection here. Maybe it's the covid or maybe it's something else. My colleagues say give it time and I will, knowing my picker is shit anyway. I think I will broach the subject of taking it slow and maybe ending up just friends.

phmh posted 2/28/2021 11:40 AM

My unsolicited advice is to go on a few more dates and see what happens. So much of the feeling of connection is because you knew/understood the dynamics of a past relationship (say, with your WXW) and that is what feels comfortable and connected. Therefore, leading to more dysfunction.

I'm a huge advocate of the book "Science of Happily Ever After" though I haven't read it in about 6 years now and there may be more recent stuff out there. It summarizes studies that have been done on what makes a good relationship. (I also got it from the library so can't look back and reference anything.)

When I look back and see the guys I felt a connection to after a first or second date, they were all very similar to my WXH in terms of their personalities, and had I listened purely on that, I likely would have found myself in a relationship that was as bad as or even worse than that with my WXH.

Luckily I had read the book above shortly before meeting my partner (of over 5 years now). We didn't have an instant connection but that's because both of us are different from the people we'd dated in the past. Both of us are mature, emotionally healthy, kind people who'd previously attracted and been attracted to pretty much the opposite. It felt weird. But, with time, it's amazing and I'm so glad that I saw his good qualities early on (kind, self-sufficient, funny, thoughtful) and stayed with him even though there wasn't that instant connection feeling.

I vividly remember sitting in the airport after our first weekend away (about 4 months into dating) and thinking I was going to have to break things off with him because of completely immaterial things that irritated me (he made a funny face when I was taking his picture, for example) and thinking of the book saying that you really only have three non-negotiables in a partner before you make your dating pool too tiny to be reasonable, so you need to make sure that your non-negotiables are things that truly make for a good relationship (e.g. not height). I'd determined my non-negotiables, he had them, and we kept dating, ultimately resulting in the best relationship either one of us has had.

Good luck - it's so tough getting back out there.

ETA - after rereading your message, would discourage having a conversation about maybe being just friends. You both are enjoying yourselves, why not just see what happens. As we say on this site all the time, it's actions over words. What if, after a few dates, you find yourself really attracted to her and want to wind up in a romantic relationship, but you've already poisoned the well by suggesting that maybe you'll end up just friends. Just take it slow through your actions and if you decide you definitely don't want anything romantic, have the conversation then.

[This message edited by phmh at 11:43 AM, February 28th (Sunday)]

AnnieOakley posted 2/28/2021 13:47 PM

I echo not putting the “just friends” sentiment out there but for an additional reason as well.

If after a few dates, be honest and tell her you are just not sensing the chemistry or connection. Different places in dating, etc. In MHO, the friends option is letting someone down “easy”. Then in most cases you never contact one another again.

I imagine she is not on a dating site looking for a new friend.

And if a man said that to me, I would politely explain that’s not what I’m looking for, I have a few platonic males friends and don’t need more and then wish him the best.

Be respectful and honest. I find that works best and am usually thanked for my honesty.

Justsomeguy posted 2/28/2021 14:39 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I will take it to heart and just allow the relationship fo be what it is and let it evolve naturally. I just would hate to string her along, but I guess we are both consenting adults who signed up for this...

AbandonedGuy posted 2/28/2021 17:59 PM

I recently met a woman, *offline*, who embodies everything I'm looking for in a partner and it made me realize why the apps are toxic garbage. This woman is a lot of great things that are hard to find in one person: smart, kind, confident, cheerful, curious. Above all else, she's *sincere*. I have had a difficult time finding sincere women on these apps. It's difficult enough to find it in the real world with modernity being what it is, but the apps are a different story.

The Internet rewards performative behavior and makes it increasingly easy to be entirely insincere for the duration of your use of it. A lot of people carry that insincerity with them into the real world. The kinds of people who will post on social media "I care about [X]" and then never actually do anything to help [X] but gloat to people they know as if their posting is part of the solution. People behind 27 face filters. People who act the way they think will endear them to whatever stranger is in front of them rather than act as themselves to endear themselves to people with whom they might actually have chemistry. In short, people who waste their damn time being someone they're not.

That, on top of textual interactions being severely worse than verbal or, especially, in-person interactions, make the apps a terrible option for singles out there--as long as you're not just chasing emotionless sex or short-term emotional needs fulfillment. Maybe it's different for the other age groups, but the 40-and-under crowd where I live falls into every one of those traps to some degree. It's really hard to sort out who is and isn't sincere.

phmh posted 2/28/2021 18:37 PM

JSG - glad you're going to let things evolve for a bit. I know it can be so tempting to try to control the outcome or next someone very quickly, but even if you don't wind up with this lady, I think this experience will be valuable as you continue to date.

I am so drawn to these threads because I went on over 60 first dates (almost exclusively off of OLD) and then swore off OLD Feb 2015 after the guy spoke with an obviously fake British accent and told me he was from Narnia. My friends are still begging me to tell some of my OLD stories, so I'm thinking about writing a book of some sort. Looks like OLD hasn't changed much since I've been off.

I recently met a woman, *offline*, who embodies everything I'm looking for in a partner and it made me realize why the apps are toxic garbage.

I tend to agree, though you, and I, and JSG (and so many others from here) were on at some point so it wasn't all insincere people I also wound up meeting my SO offline. After I'd sworn off dating (see: Narnia). At a gay bar no less (we were both there as allies of our LGBT friends for a specific event). So for me it truly did happen when I was least expecting it! And, it's a guy that I wouldn't have matched with OLD - we identify as different political parties (though we are able to have civil, nuanced conversations that have convinced each of us that we share all important core values), he's 8 years older than me (outside my age range on OLD), and is handsome (I wasn't going to waste one of my non-negotiables on looks). Really the only negative is that he's not a rabid fan of my baseball team but when my team isn't playing his, he roots for them and has even been seen in public wearing the Mike Schmidt jersey I gave him :)

Karmafan posted 3/19/2021 09:05 AM

Justsomeguy

you haven't updated in a while. How is it going with your new lady friend?

Justsomeguy posted 3/19/2021 11:39 AM

Hi everyone. We have gone on about six dates, but my anxiety was through the roof when I was facing the prospect of a relationship. There are so many variables to consider, most of all my broken picker a scythe baggage from infidelity.

I asked here to go for coffee and explained to her that I was feeling very nervous and did not know if I was relationship material anymore. I told her that she was lovely in every way, but I could not guarantee that this would develop into anything more than a friendship. My dating profile did say I just wanted someone to do things with and see what happened, so I haven't misrepresented things.

We agreed to just continue as is with no expectation that it would develop into anything else, and my anxiety went way down. This process has shown me that I am not too keen on having a relationship yet, if ever. I think I need more time to heal, given that I have only been single for a year after my first failed post S relationship.

So that is my update. We
text maybe once a day and do one thing a week. I'm not going to date as I have hidden my profile, but I would not feel badly if she did. I think this is called the friendzone.

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