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The latest in my saga - I'm done trying to figure it out

thisisterrible posted 1/16/2021 11:22 AM

For those that have followed my recent posts with my neighborhood guy (he specifically told me was interested in dating, then barely responded to some casual texts I sent him the next two days, which left me confused).

After posting on here, I didn't initiate contact again since he seemed like he had some change of mind. On Wednesday night he sent me a text asking how my week was going, said that he has been busy at work (he does have a very demanding job), and we had a nice conversation. Thursday came and went with no communication (fine with me; I certainly don't think an everyday check in is necessary). Last night I sent him a text that referenced something we spoke about the last time we talked, and he responded back with a one word reply - an hour after I sent the text. I then sent him a text asking how his meeting went at work, and....crickets. No response.

I thought I shouldn't expect him to do all of the reaching out because then he wouldn't think I was interested. I thought 'taking turns' initiating contact would be an adult thing to do? Did I come off as annoying? Desperate? Clingy? I only ever tried to make conversation; I certainly never asked him to change his Facebook status or something .

But anyway....this is too much work, obviously. I'm a grown woman and I have no desire to be trying to understand wtf someone is thinking or why they're doing the things they do.

BUT - come on, is this what dating is like?? Someone tells you their interested and then decided they're not within a couple days?? Is everyone this weird and complicated with not being obvious in what they want/don't want?

I'm thankful that I really only wasted a couple weeks with this crap, but my guard is back up and I'm back in the "I don't need anyone" phase again.

homewrecked2011 posted 1/16/2021 12:09 PM

Too much work.

skeetermooch posted 1/16/2021 13:13 PM

For what it's worth - In my experience men tend to withdraw when we reach out in the early stages of courting/dating. They like to pursue and get easily turned off if we seem more than mildly interested. I've always adopted a "never contact a man" position until the relationship is firmly established. I'm warm and encouraging when they reach out. I just never reciprocate. Of course my last two relationships were with cheaters - so consider the source ;)

Many people dating are ambivalent or testing the waters after a break up only to find they aren't actually ready yet. You have to weed through a lot of this to get to someone on the same page usually.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 1:14 PM, January 16th (Saturday)]

The1stWife posted 1/16/2021 19:50 PM

He says heís interested. And then behaves like this?

He has issues. Time to move on.

Trapped74 posted 1/19/2021 16:00 PM

This guy sounds like way too much drama. Move on (or not!) to someone who doesn't play these stupid games.

And the idea of a man not liking being pursued... phhhhhst. It's the 21st century. If a man still feels like he need to do the "hunting," kick his un-evolved kiester to the curb.

WhoTheBleep posted 1/19/2021 17:00 PM

Your instincts are right. Too much work. Move on.

Karmafan posted 1/19/2021 18:12 PM

BUT - come on, is this what dating is like?? Someone tells you their interested and then decided they're not within a couple days?? Is everyone this weird and complicated with not being obvious in what they want/don't want?

Yes, thatís exactly what dating is like nowadays. People will be all over you one day, gone the next. Itís the nature of the beast unfortunately. This is not to say that there arenít decent guys out there - there are and you will know when you meet one.

In the meantime, do yourself (and your dignity) a favour and let this one go.

messyleslie posted 1/20/2021 00:06 AM

I saw this thing on tik tok of all places about dating and basically she was saying that in early dating you are looking for red and green lights. And basically the big question is if they are ready and emotionally healthy enough for a relationship. So someone could be super fun and a really great person and attractive and honest and perfect in all ways but not be ready for a relationship and then itís a big no.

Not responding or making you wonder what is up with them are big red flags for knowing someone is healthy enough for a relationship.

ff4152 posted 1/20/2021 11:22 AM

2 cents from a guys perspective.

I have to respectfully disagree about the whole pursued/being pursued thing. Granted I have been out of the dating pool for a very long time but would have been thrilled not always having to be the one doing the chasing. Itís exhausting and a bit off putting being the one to always have to initiate contact. IMO, that will achieve the opposite; if the woman didnít put some effort in early on at least equal to mine in terms of communication, I would assume she wasnít interested and bail.

All that being said, the guy here sounds like more trouble than he is worth. Going dark for a couple of weeks and then only 1 word responses? Pass.

[This message edited by ff4152 at 3:11 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

twicefooled posted 1/20/2021 12:30 PM

I agree with everyone else, he is not worth the work.

This guy sounds like way too much drama. Move on (or not!) to someone who doesn't play these stupid games.
And the idea of a man not liking being pursued... phhhhhst. It's the 21st century. If a man still feels like he need to do the "hunting," kick his un-evolved kiester to the curb.

^^^^Yep

I'm seeing an AMAZING guy right now and I was the one to reach out to him first. Because I am a good catch and won't sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting to be pursued. It flowed so naturally from our first interaction (unlike a lot of others).

I'm not even saying that there is anything, per se, wrong with this guy. You are obviously not on the same level right now and that's ok it's his loss.

HalfTime2017 posted 1/20/2021 14:09 PM

Coming from a man, I'll just add this. If he wants you, he will let it be known in one way or another. If he's not responding or taking his time, you are just not that high up on his list. Men pursue, even if you respond if we really are into you. There is no magic about it. Clingy or responsiveness does not scare us away if we want that girl. Period.

So I'd say, next him. If he wants to pursue, then let him do it. You gave him a shot already.

shakentocore posted 1/21/2021 07:45 AM

He is showing you who he is.

If he is not playing games, then this is the kind of communication that is acceptable to him. He contacts / texts you when he wants to and he will not change.

BUT - come on, is this what dating is like?? Someone tells you their interested and then decided they're not within a couple days?? Is everyone this weird and complicated with not being obvious in what they want/don't want?

My single friends tell me that dating is trash. The bar has been set so low it is in the basement, if not in hell.

thisisterrible posted 1/21/2021 17:14 PM

Thanks everyone - this is what I needed to hear. I'm pretty much the only single person I know in real life, so seeking advice from people who have been married or in a relationship for 20+ years is useless - and well, annoying.

If he wouldn't have been so upfront and charming about how he wanted to date and how hasn't met anyone like me in a long time (blah blah blah ), his lack of making contact would have been enough for me to realize he just wasn't that into pursuing anything. Part of the problem is that 'on paper', he's a great catch: no prior marriages, long term job, geographicly desirable, funny, very smart, and quite good looking - sure doesn't seem like there are a lot of those guys out there so I was hopeful for longer than I should have been.

But as I said, I'm done with this whole thing. I'm disappointed, but I guess I better get used to that if I plan on trying this dating thing (although I don't know how if I will, at least not right now). I read that if someone is interested, you'll know and if they're not, you'll be confused. Completely accurate statement!

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