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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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Truthaboveall posted 4/21/2021 10:18 AM

Mr. F, I have not weighed in on your thread, but have been keeping up with it. In my opinion, for the first time for me, I believe your marriage is salvageable. Not agreeing with what your wife did. Sounds like she is a bit naive/Immature. That being said and I by no means are accusing you of anything, but this latest information seems that she is gullible to assholes. From what you have quoted as to her responses in previous discussions with you, I truly believe your wife loves you.,I get the feeling that she is a bit intimidated by you. Not that you’re doing anything specific, it just may be your personality, nothing wrong with that, but have a heart to heart with your wife. I truly hope and pray for you both that this can be worked out. Kids are resilient, but this will still effect them, seen a lot worse. Best wishes brother, My feelings is you may be letting “pride” get in the way.

ramius posted 4/21/2021 10:53 AM

Man, it a shitshow for all involved.

Your thoughts and emotions bouncing all over the place. Not fun, actually sucks quite a bit, but unfortunately it is normal.

Cut yourself some slack. If it all possible just try to take it easy between now and Monday.

[This message edited by ramius at 4:00 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

Txquail posted 4/21/2021 11:18 AM

Yeah, don't second guess yourself.

You find out yesterday that your wife has been lying to you now for 7+ years. Keeping silent on an affair that happened 7 years ago on top of the one she just had = not trustworthy.

The only reason she confessed to the first one is the upcoming polygraph. She knew she was about to get caught.

Cheaters only admit to things when they are about to get caught or have been caught. Then they minimize it.

Stevesn posted 4/21/2021 12:52 PM

Mr F

THIS THREAD WILL END SOON. The max is 50 pages.

You can start another in Just Found Out or perhaps in the Reconciliation or Divorcing Forums if those feel more appropriate.

If you want to stay in JFO for a while and continue receiving pre-D support some people find using the same title w “Part 2” added is helpful for continuity. Not required though.

If you create the new thread now we can post a link here so future readers can find the next location for your posts.

All your choice.

Good luck Friday with the Poly.

Buffer posted 4/21/2021 15:02 PM

Brother just a internet hug. The hits just keep on coming.
Try to ease back on drinking alcohol.
Good luck with the new polygraph questions.
TheD is only a few sleeps away.
One day at a time.

Westway posted 4/22/2021 09:32 AM

5) Her complains about me were based on her problems with external validation. I simply didn't pay her enough attention, I was working long hours (but so was she) so she came to a conclusion I probably do not like her that much. Isn't that great?

And this is I think her biggest issue: her unquenchable desire for attention. She's like a vampire feeding off the attention of men. That is why she groomed that coworker of hers all those years ago and then strung him out for months getting him to fall in love with her. It was no surprise to her when he told her he was in love with her. That was exactly the response from him that she was grooming him for. You need to understand this and accept that your WW has a predatory nature. She needs to learn that this is who she is and accept this ugly truth about herself. Only then can she deal with it.

No one man can satisfy the attention cravings of a person like her.

[This message edited by Westway at 9:33 AM, April 22nd (Thursday)]

ramius posted 4/22/2021 11:44 AM

Yea. When the desire for tingles from other men, outweighs wife and maternal instincts…… It’s never going to end well.

This0is0Fine posted 4/22/2021 13:46 PM

W got a firm talking to when it was revealed she lied to me and to her therapist.

When I read things like this, I always think of the scene in Inglorious Basterds:

Newlifeisgreat posted 4/23/2021 11:22 AM

Good luck with the polygraph today. I hope it gives you what you are looking for.

redwing6 posted 4/24/2021 10:50 AM

Just finished wading through this thread. Mr. F I hope that everything went well yesterday. I've just gone through a divorce due to a 6 month EA by my XWW.

I've stayed away from SI for a while because I wanted to get my own head straight. I think you'll be fine. The only thing I think you need to do is detach a little more from your STBXW is all. Once you get that process going, you're going to be surprised at how good you feel.

MrFlibble posted 4/24/2021 13:29 PM

Got the results two hours ago. She passed 4 out of 5 questions.

"Did she send him explicit pictures of herself?" was deemed inconclusive

nekonamida posted 4/24/2021 13:32 PM

Hopefully you now have clarity on the 4 passed questions. Do you feel in your gut if she sent explicit photos or not? Would it make a difference if she did?

BlueRaspberry posted 4/24/2021 13:39 PM

MrFlibble,

Can you share the final version of the 5 questions?

Also, what are your thoughts on the results? Are you relieved? still angry? happy? unsure? I would guess you'll probably cycle through all those emotions over the next few days. Give yourself some time to digest the results.

sfort posted 4/24/2021 14:35 PM


Got the results two hours ago. She passed 4 out of 5 questions.
"Did she send him explicit pictures of herself?" was deemed inconclusive

She already told you that she sent him pictures of her in her underwear. Those pictures were certainly explicit. That was a bad question.
This post is my first one. I'm a lot older than you are and have never had to consider divorce. However, our marriage has had issues that have caused me to have the same doubts and concerns that you're having. Plus, I tangentially deal with divorce in my line of work.
For what it's worth, you are creating more problems for yourself with the divorce. You rushed it to prove a point. You can be separated without being divorced. You're costing yourself money unnecessarily. The rapidity with which you pursued the divorce seems rather premature.
Trickle Truthing is torture to the receiver. It's mean and inconsiderate, but we can understand why it happens. If you have finally gotten the truth. she hasn't done enough to cause you to blow up your family. Even if she screwed the guys, the relationship might be salvageable. I'm not sure I could get past it, but I'd try if I had small children and a wife that I loved as much as you love yours.
Don't let your ego get in the way of making the best decisions.

Txquail posted 4/24/2021 14:56 PM

Mr. F.

- How do you feel about the situation now that she passed 4 of 5. Does this change your mind?

- I can still see how you are hurt. At least 2 emotional affairs and the latest one was certainly headed to a physical one if you had not discovered it.

- Do you plan on divorcing still? Your wife may have just learned a VERY VERY Important lesson. It could forever stop her from ever even thinking about stepping outside the marriage.
------ IF you consider staying now. I'd give her some boundary rules
--------- #1. Absolutely no male friends. She has proven she would go down the path of cheating if she had the opportunity. (She needs to tell you if anyone hits on her).
--------- #2. Complete access to everything. If any secret accounts or devices are found would be a deal breaker.
--------- #3. Make her sign an agreement if she steps outside the marriage, she forfeits all claims to spousal support, all claims to your retirement accounts, etc....


I won't lie, I'm a lot relieved for you. I was willing to bet 99% that she had sex with the dude. For once, I'm glad to see I was WRONG. If you want to divorce, I'd support you, but a part of me also would like to see you try to heal and perhaps set boundaries on her and maybe give her a shot?

steadychevy posted 4/24/2021 16:05 PM

You got the results back quicker than I thought you would. Now you have results for 4 of the 5 questions. Can WW explain the inconclusive result for the 5th?

More than 40 pages back I believe I wrote that it seemed to me that there was an opportunity to try and R with your WW. It seemed she was R material. Then the TT started being revealed and a little more and a little more got revealed. Some quite suspicious. I think I would have bet money she had sex with him. I thought the POS exhibited behavior that strongly suggested it too.

I t doesn't matter what I think or anyone else thinks. It is what you think you can live with and thrive. Some can tolerate at lot of betrayal. I couldn't. Some can't tolerate much deceit. It is what you think is best for you.

Ignorant comments about being childish should be ignored.

My best wishes to you as you decipher what this means to you and your steps forward be they attempting R or straight to D. Strength of mind and clarity of though to you.

UnderCover posted 4/24/2021 17:11 PM

Bad last question surely ?

Explicit can be different to everyone

Glad she passed in one way

If later you reconsider and want to date her another 5 questions would be appropriate perhaps

Narrowing in perhaps on things you consider are important

Booyah posted 4/24/2021 19:20 PM

Sfort, so on your FIRST post on SI, you think you're going to get his attention by calling his actions "childish"??

He's doing the best he can to handle this clusterfuck and as you said, "you've NEVER had to consider divorce", so why don't you cut the guy some slack.

That said, you want him (or anyone else to listen to you) it might behoove you to not be a bull in a China shop.

sfort posted 4/24/2021 20:58 PM

Booyah, chill. I've posted on many forums for many years. My post is in no way a bull in a China shop. I offered my opinion, just like you have done ad nauseum. I'm totally on his side and pulling for him. If you don't like my posts, just skip past them.

merrmeade posted 4/25/2021 00:16 AM

How are you feeling about things now, Mr. Flibble?

My experience as a BW did not include getting my WH to take a polygraph test. He would never have done it, but he did finally give me 'enough.' It's demeaning either way - that after everything else, we have to go through these hoops to get the truth. At least, you're keeping your 'line in the sand' clear and visible. I think that part of trickle truthing is that they are hoping to drag things out long enough that all the big emotions and reactions will gradually disappear in the quick-sand of day-to-day living and coping. For myself, I finally decided that I knew enough now about himto understand the how and why. All new information confirmed that understanding, so at some point it was enough.

Do you feel it's enough now? I'm not saying it should and would totally understand if it's even a bit anti-climactic.

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