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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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MrFlibble posted 4/20/2021 09:30 AM

Well, here we go. She asked me if we can talk tonight. She needs to tell me something

So I guess I will have my answer a bit earlier

DanielJK posted 4/20/2021 09:38 AM

The parking lot confession before you even get to the parking lot.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 9:39 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

grubs posted 4/20/2021 09:44 AM

At least one way or the other your path should much more clear soon. Stay strong.

Even before this request to talk, I suspect she was going to test as deceptive on at least one of your questions.

1. Was this her first affair during our relationship?
2. Did they have intercourse?
3. Did thay have oral sex or any kind of sexual contact besides what was already admited
4. Were they in any kind of mutual contact after the NC message was sent?
5. Did she send him explicit pictures of herself?

1 & 2 I was thinking maybe she would pass. I wouldn't be betting on it now.
3, it went on two long to just be a momentary petting. It likely went at least to manual contact.
4. I don't think she destroyed the burner phone until after his true player nature was disclosed.
5. Sexting isn't sexting without skin.

I'm hoping that tonight's disclosure is minor. but we've seen this story before and they seldom have a really happy ending.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:45 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

Txquail posted 4/20/2021 12:14 PM

MrFlibble
Well, here we go. She asked me if we can talk tonight. She needs to tell me something

So I guess I will have my answer a bit earlier

I figured this would happen. I'd still make her do the poly regardless.

We are adults. If one is sexting, making out, feeling up, then goes to the other persons home. You know they went all the way. She's been lying to you.

Now I'd be surprised if she doesn't confess now that they had sex. Seen this happen way too many time when it comes to polygraph day. Lots of parking lot confessions.

I'm sorry for you on this man. However I could be completely wrong on this, but I don't believe I am. Who knows.

MickeyBill2016 posted 4/20/2021 12:29 PM

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

I don't get it when people say "can we talk about something important later today" instead of "please sit down, I need to tell you something".
It's sort of a manipulative power play.
Now your head is making up all kinds of scenarios which may or may not include:

1. Yes I had sex with other man
2. There were others
3. I put a big dent in the car
4. I found a place to move to in London
5. I'm pregnant
6. The doctors say dad has 24 hours to live
7. ?????????????

Hang in there. I recall my therapist saying that the mind is great at making things up, filling in gaps of knowledge, and for the most part reality is not as bad or as good as what you make up.

BlueRaspberry posted 4/20/2021 12:31 PM

MrFlibble,

Sounds ominous.

In your first post you wrote

She is very fixated on a fact that they never had sex. Not that he didn't try to push it apparently. She says he wanted to, she didn't. Not sure if I believe that. Probably don't. It doesn't seem very probable that two adult people in an affair would not have sex. There were opportunities.

When I asked her why she didn't want to have sex with him she told me she knew there was no coming back after that.

I hope I am wrong but she is likely going to confess to some type of sexual activity beyond kissing and groping. Maybe she's a unicorn, but you don't visit the APs home, buy/use a burner phone, frequently text/sext, and limit the activity to just kissing and groping. I think the reason she was "fixated" was that she knew this was crossing a boundary you simply would not accept. She has been lying continuously since the affair began, first to conceal and then to minimize damage to save the marriage/relationship. Now that she is up against a polygraph including a blood test to ensure there is no chemical interference, it sounds like she plans to confess to something more. If this happens, I would still go through with the polygraph since she is likely still trickle truthing...

toby posted 4/20/2021 12:33 PM

I’m going with broken contact. He probably reached out to her through a third party or ambush her somewhere he knows she frequents. Hell, if that’s the case she’ll say something about not telling you “to protect you from doing something bad” or some shit like that.

Sanibelredfish posted 4/20/2021 12:52 PM

Mr. F. I have a tactical question for you. Does she know which questions you plan to ask during the test? If so, she could be tailoring the additional information she shares this evening to ensure she passes those questions in the poly. I hope I’m wrong, but it wouldn’t be the first time this has happened.

steadychevy posted 4/20/2021 13:03 PM

MrFlibble, how's the head and guts. I don't do hangovers very well. Doesn't take much alcohol to initiate on for me either. Hair of the dog? Maybe not.

Nekonamida went over how the poly came down. You weren't too interested. Your WW insisted and kept insisting. Now she can't believe your relationship has come to this. WSs sometimes think that they'll take a poly or agree to one because they think it shows how they're being honest and proves they're willing to do whatever it takes.

As the poly gets closer, though, and it looks like the BS is going to go through with it they start to find some reason to resist. The statement from her could be that. Another one is the so called parking lot confession or night before confession at which time you'll be told that now you know it all so might as well cancel the poly.

Whatever the discussion tonight involves do not cancel the poly. Frequently, it seems, the sudden reveal and claim of honesty and now you know it all is an attempt to cancel and there is more. The reveal could be quite insignificant but intended to illustrate complete openness and honesty. Don't cancel the poly.

Hope you feel better soon.

ETA: It's possible that what she wants to tell you has nothing to do with the poly but it probably does.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 4:38 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

Dude67 posted 4/20/2021 13:13 PM

Agree. Whatever she says tonight do not cancel the poly.

ramius posted 4/20/2021 16:13 PM

Well, here we go. She asked me if we can talk tonight. She needs to tell me something
So I guess I will have my answer a bit earlier

Cheaters, nothing if not predictable. I wish roulette was as predictable.

[This message edited by ramius at 4:15 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

faithfulman posted 4/20/2021 16:39 PM

As someone who has been participating in this thread since the start, my reply is redundant, but I feel it cannot be said enough:

Definitely keep the polygraph appointment!

Many times you have said your wife "came clean". Sadly, cheaters almost never "come clean", even after polygraphs, which cannot cover everything, and even in reconciliation, you kinda have to live with the fact that some things have been held back.

However, even at this point in the process, with a polygraph looming, cheaters will pretty much always tell as little as possible.

It's just part of the handbook.

***

I think the point raised above about how she may be tailoring her answers if she knows what the questions should also be considered.

I would ask more questions even after she tells you more. Keep asking.

***

Good luck, I wish she had just told you instead of making you wait until tonight - what is the point of that?

MrFlibble posted 4/20/2021 17:18 PM

No idea how I feel. Angry, mostly.

To make it short - this wasn't the first time something like this hapenned. 7 years ago she had what she now recognizes as an EA with a guy from her work (see the pattern?!!)

She had a little timeline ready, pointless, since there is no way of verifying it's validity. The guy was 10 years older and married. They texted for about three months until he ultimately professed his love for her. She immediately cut him off and swears nothing physical ever hapenned, no kiss, no touching, nothing besides one hug, but she admits they talked about me and his wife a lot. Admits it was over the line but it never got into anything sexual.

She asked if this can be added to the questions to prove she's telling the truth. I told her soon she won't be able to afford it.

So, as you can imagine I blew up. The only reason she told me was that she would fail the first question. She didn't just realized it was an inappropriate relationship, she knew it all along. It's so pathetic those lies of her's. She said she thought since she didn't want nothing more than friendship it wasn't an affair. Another proof of her poor boundaries and her inability to face relationship challenges in a healthy way.

I asked her what else should I expect and if we should even bother with the poly. Nothing, that's all. She didn't want to fail the question which would obviously made me think she had another affair (Which she did!!!)

Unbelievable.

I give her a day before she breaks and tells me they had been fvcking since the beginning.

FML

MrFlibble posted 4/20/2021 17:21 PM

We have two small kids and we try to not fight or have any serious talks in front of them, so her reason for waiting until late evening are valid. But it still sucks

BlueRaspberry posted 4/20/2021 17:25 PM

MrFlibble,

Sorry to hear that. I was hoping it would be something unrelated to her infidelity.

It appears she knows the questions you plan to ask, so be prepared for potentially more trickle truth as you get closer to the actual polygraph. Hope I'm wrong and this is everything.

faithfulman posted 4/20/2021 17:45 PM

They texted for about three months until he ultimately professed his love for her. She immediately cut him off and swears nothing physical ever hapenned, no kiss, no touching, nothing besides one hug, but she admits they talked about me and his wife a lot. Admits it was over the line but it never got into anything sexual.

The bolded part above is obvious bullshit - unless that was his last-ditch effort to fuck her.

Here is the thing - as you mentioned, now you have to start looking at this as a possible (probable?) pattern of her interaction with men when you are not around - that your wife may be targeted by men who want to cheat because she demonstrates that her boundaries are such that she invites this kind of attention.

In other words, she is still looking to "play around" with other men while still married - whatever that means to her - and these men see it. It doesn't necessarily mean fucking other men, but it is inappropriate.

***

Unfortunately, I think you are seeing the "mask drop" from the wife you thought you knew.

When cheaters are exposed, you start learning who they really are, and often it turns out the person you thought you knew was an act, and the real person you married was only evident when your back was turned.

I think you two have been together since you were 20-21 years old, correct? It appears your wife is still very immature and craves the attention of more than one man.

I'm sorry.


[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:02 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

guvensiz posted 4/20/2021 18:26 PM

If she thought this was not inappropriate, she wouldn't have worried about not getting past the question. Otherwise, she should also have worried about her dialogue with the cashier she met at the bakery. Obviously, some inappropriate things happened.

but she admits they talked about me and his wife a lot.

Again this classic? Complaints about spouses and starting a new relationship...

MrFlibble, while you were thinking your marriage was okay (even more than okay), what does she find to complain about you so much?
I know she says she doesn't really have a complaint but uses them to justify what she's doing. But what exactly were she talking about as points of complaint? Did you talk about that?

She had a relationship shortly before leaving her job, and started a new relationship as soon as she started new job. Considering that she was SAHM for 6 years, it can also be considered as not having a long time break. This is sick.

By the way, if appropriate, i think it would be good to add a this question to the polygraph test :

"Is there anything you hide from your husband even though you think he should know?"

And your questions seemed too specific to me. Clear conclusions can be drawn about the questions asked, but many things remain confidential because they are not asked.

src9043 posted 4/20/2021 18:31 PM

If her claim that she wanted nothing more than friendship with the first guy is true, and it remained that way, and that she did not have any romantic physical contact nor did she fall in love with him, I would not consider it an EA unless your WW does consider it an EA. What kind of hug did she give him? Was it short? Did it linger and become an affectionate hug? Inappropriate behavior? Yes, since she did not confide in you about the guy at work. Did she relate to him as if he was a very close girlfriend or did she have romantic thoughts about him? Also, did their conversations involve any perceived complaints she had about you? Bottom line. Something is wrong with her to have crossed boundaries with two separate people. Obviously, the second incident is much worse. The first incident may have laid the groundwork for her actual PA. You have set a course on how to proceed. If, at some point, you become convinced that your WW has changed, you may wish to R one day. That is your call. I have read just about all of your posts. Without knowing both of you, it is difficult to provide good advice in a close-call case such as yours. I am a BS and if there ever was a case where R might be possible after a PA, it is yours. You obviously still love her. You have two children to raise. She seems to be very remorseful and desperate to change in order to save the marriage. This is what I get from your posts. It is no fun to police a WW. I did it for a while, but in the end, it was a waste of time. See how the polygraph turns out. If she passes it, you may wish to remain on your present course and not completely close the door to R. But, that is your call and you must do what you feel is right for you.

[This message edited by src9043 at 6:56 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

nekonamida posted 4/20/2021 18:34 PM

That's tough, Mr. F. At least you have prepared yourself to learn some new things leading up to the polygraph.

I find it strange that this guy would confess his love to her without them having ever even kissed. That is very rare from what I've learned on SI.

Good luck. Keep bracing yourself.

steadychevy posted 4/20/2021 18:46 PM

There may be some merit in what faithfulman explains.

It was me that shut down direct/obvious attention my XWW got from men before we married and after. My imbecile brain didn't make the calculation about what happened when I wasn't there. As far as I know she never put a hard stop on anyone. She got a fair amount of attention while I was around.

The last one I know of was an older neighbour who she claims was only supporting her after we separated. He was attracted to her long before that. I never shut him down. Her problem. Apparently she finally gently ended it after months.

The one before was another older guy that really took a shine to her and invited her to the birthday party he was throwing for his wife. No invite for me. A different time he made a comment to my XWW and I stepped between them and answered him. That was the last he ever spoke to her, as far as I know.

Just a possibility. It is for my XWW.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 7:01 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

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