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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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nekonamida posted 3/8/2021 11:22 AM

Mr. F, are your children witnessing these full on breakdowns from your WW? If so, you need to enforce some boundaries and make that stop immediately. They should absolutely NOT be witnessing their mother banging on your door, sobbing, and sleeping on the floor in the hallway. That is adding to their stress and misery as well as making you look like the bad guy and setting you up for a strained relationship with them. Even if you think they did not see/hear that, you still should impose upon your WW that she needs to put them first by not creating the opportunity for them to witness it.

Keep reminding the kids that you love them and they are not at fault in any shape or form. Keep reminding them that this is entirely between you and the WW - that no matter what happens, they will be loved, cared for, and happy even if that means having two homes. Keep reminding yourself that you did not cause this and would never have to do this if your WW had not done the terrible things she did. You are NOT responsible and both you and the kids are collateral to her poor choices. Forgive yourself for having to soldier on and do what's best even if it's not an easy choice to make.

You may want to think about involving an IC for the kids. This IS temporary but that doesn't make it any less difficult and they will need the extra support if they are seeing their mother break down and act erratically in the process.

MickeyBill2016 posted 3/8/2021 11:23 AM

Most of them were ordinary selfies, other pictures were in her underwear and no nudes or explicit pics.

Not that it really matters, do you know how often she sent photos?
It reminded me of a thread where the wife would send her BF a selfie first thing in the morning, not nudes but the looking her best all made up and dressed for work... maybe she might also send one to her BS but it was an intimate way to show that she was thinking of the BF at home when she just woke up.
The BS found like a hundred selfies the WW sent to the BF and not to him...

newlife03 posted 3/8/2021 11:37 AM

The older one asked us if she will have a "new house with a mommy"

This reminded me of when I told my youngest (she was 7 at the time) that we were going to divorce. She started crying and asked "will I get to see him once in a while?" I told her she could see him everyday, anytime she wanted to. A bit later she asked if she could be my flower girl when I remarried!! Kids are resilient, and I think as long as you're giving them the love and care that they need, they'll be ok.

One requirement for divorce here was that the kids had to do a class (ordered by the courts) where they learned about divorce and met other kids. It helped my middle daughter to at least talk with other kids so counseling may not be a bad idea. I had IC for my son as he was feeling a lot of anger.

grubs posted 3/8/2021 11:42 AM

So as I said, we are stuck at our house for now. The only thing that makes it easier is that our house is rather big (3,600sq feet) so it's easier to have my own space.

I'd think about selling and getting a smaller place before taking out a 900k mortgage. 3.6k is a lot of unneeded space for a single parent and kids. It will also help both of you put this part of your life behind you.

You need to separate as much as possible in the space. Take turns with the kids as if you were already apart. Limit co-habituating the same spaces. Communicate via text. That'll be important for you both to begin the process of moving on. I get the feeling she is not giving up the hope of reconciliation easily. It'll be better for both of you in the long run if you force her to come to terms that it's over.

DanielJK posted 3/8/2021 11:52 AM

Wish I had a balls and ended this misery at the beginning.

From someone who did it all wrong, trust me when I tell you...you did it right, you should have no regrets about the way you handled this.

I looked at your story at first and was envious that you had something to work with...but you were still moving forward with divorce.

I think you set a good example for new people who come here.

MrFlibble posted 3/8/2021 11:56 AM

Nekonamida They have witnessed some of it, mostly when this all started. The worst one being her meltdown at the ZOO, very ugly and very public. But most of our fight and talks happen with girls either out of a house or them being asleep. We do not shout at each other, bang doors or anything like that. They are being assured non of this is their fault and that we both love them. Will think about the IC for them. We jave a friend that works in the field so I will write her tomorrow.

Not that it really matters, do you know how often she sent photos?
few times a week. He always asked for nudes. She admits a dozen underwear pics but no nudes. He also bought her a bra and she didn't accept it. Again, lies until proven otherwise

jlg05 posted 3/8/2021 12:43 PM

I mean the "I move out, she moves out, we fight, we make up, more fights" It's all very confusing for them and as a result they throw tantrums like never before. Wish I had a balls and ended this misery at the beginning. The older one asked us if she will have a "new house with a mommy"

Don't kick yourself on this -- you know the kids would have been upset and confused even IF you did this earlier. Just be the best Dad you can be with them, be honest (age-appropriate) and make sure you are there to answer any questions they have (you know you CAN also say "I don't know the answer to that, but when I do, I will tell you").

hollowhurt posted 3/8/2021 13:36 PM

Mr. F,
I have followed you story and have gotten lost somewhat, my fault, not yours. I sure was hoping everything would work out. But I must wonder if maybe you have gotten lost somewhat also. You are in the heat of one of the ugliest things you will ever experience. The pain, shock, trauma, etc is ongoing. You are ‘bleeding’ from a gashing wound. One you should never have experienced. Perhaps you should stop the bleeding first. Then make permanent decisions.
Maybe the old pros and cons list might help here. You, if your like me, are experiencing everything from ‘throw the witch on the fire’ to ‘maybe it was just a mistake’. And sh%@ load of other stuff in between.
Maybe post ‘Just the facts’ on this line again. The good ones and the ugly ones.
Then your feelings. Re-access and count to ten. Heck maybe twenty. I am not saying ignore anything or take one action over another. I am saying, calm down, be determined, be solid, etc.
Pragmatic point of view. You may divorce, you may not. But let the decision be made in a vacuum of determined patience. Use the tools like MC, IC, polygraphs, etc. Remove the possibility of ‘what if’ in future. Make you decision solid based on facts.

You and your children will respect you for this in the future.

MrFlibble posted 3/8/2021 13:38 PM

Grubs not a chance in hell I am selling this house. I put everything into it, I have done most of the work here, basicaly built it myself. This is not "just a house", it's a lot more. I know it's a waste of space, but I honestly love it here. Every detail, every little thing. Kids do too. It's their home where they feel safe. I will do anything in my power to keep it.

And if I can be a little selfish I would miss the comfort. The space, hardwood floors, the indoor swimming pool, huge garden. Every other place will pale in comparison. I will get a mortgage, sell stock and everything I don't need to make it happen. Maybe I sound very materialistic, and maybe I am, but I want the house.

MrFlibble posted 3/8/2021 13:42 PM

And you are right, she has not given up and I think she won't give up that easy. It will be a long and bumpy road. Lots of drama ahead I believe

This0is0Fine posted 3/8/2021 13:44 PM

MrF, I totally get it on the house.

I made a decision early on that I would keep the house regardless of the outcome, and I worked the numbers to make sure I could keep it even if things got very combative.

Dude67 posted 3/8/2021 14:02 PM

Has the discussion of a polygraph come up at all?

tushnurse posted 3/8/2021 14:03 PM

Nothing wrong with wanting to keep your home. That was ultimately what let my H have a chance at R. We built this house we did all the finish work. It was my dream home and it was extremely important mybkods grow up next door to their cousins and grands.

Funny how time changes things though. Now they are grown one is out of the nest and the other soon to follow. I can walk away from this house now and never look back. Its big, and we don't need the space. I'd be just as happy in a trailer on 10 acres.

grubs posted 3/8/2021 14:20 PM

That places tend to get tied into memories was one of the reasons I suggested that. Plus it would be symbolic of leaving the marriage behind to both of you. It sounds like it means more to you than just the home you lived in though. I still think it might be cathartic to build a new place down the road that wasn't tainted by the marriage that went wrong. Since it sounds like what you built was very customized replacing it would be difficult to pull off in the time you have before the D. Definitely your call, but something to think about.

I kept the house myself as I was raised to buy and hold to avoid turnover costs. My mom still lives in the house my parents purchased before marriage. Now that I'm remarried, we're planning on selling in a couple of years after her youngest graduates. She's been a good egg about living in my exWW's dream home for the last eight years. To me it's just a place to sleep.

Don't second guess yourself for trying R. You would doing the same if you hadn't tried.

Good luck with the drama. It'll be interesting to see if she just stays the sobbing mess or if she becomes angry and bitter.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:20 PM, March 8th (Monday)]

grubs posted 3/8/2021 14:23 PM

Its big, and we don't need the space. I'd be just as happy in a trailer on 10 acres.

That's were me and sparkles are at. We're debating on whether to move closer in town where things are walkable or move further out where we can raise chickens and such. I think she's coming to realization that she would do better with closer neighbors with her extroversion. We have a couple of years to decide. Right now we have the happy medium.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:26 PM, March 8th (Monday)]

Txquail posted 3/8/2021 17:03 PM

MrFlibble,

I just read your thread. I feel for you.

Something that bothers me is your wife isn't telling you the truth.

If she's sending the man nudes/very compromising photos. And if she was receiving them, then there is no way they didn't go all the way. The compromising photo's also tell me that she willing touched the man and allowed him to touch her.

That's my just my feeling.

Again I'm sorry for you.

MrFlibble posted 3/8/2021 18:26 PM

Has the discussion of a polygraph come up at all?
It has, a few times. She still wants to go through with it. I told her I see no point of wasting more time and money on it.

hollowhurt, thank you for your post. I will think about it. But I can't help to feel like the hand I was dealt is pretty shitty. No matter what move I make I lose. My STBXW has many great qualities, no doubt. And I'd been happy with her before all this hapenned. But her lies amd deception is just.. too much. I gave her numerous opportunities, kept moving the poles but every rope comes to a point when it just snaps. And I think I already came to mine. She keeps asking me what she can do to make this right and I have no idea.

MrFlibble posted 3/8/2021 18:29 PM

At least she left me alone tonight, which is new.

HellFire posted 3/8/2021 18:29 PM

I would go through with the polygraph for one reason. To find out if they had sex in the marital home.

Txquail posted 3/8/2021 18:32 PM

I'd agree. I'd make her take a polygraph. I'd want to know for sure. Its true its not admissible to a court, but it would be more than enough for me.

I reading your post, I don't believe a second that they didn't have sex. Cheaters always say that, and in the end, it is always the same. They did. First only one time, then multiple times, then they can't keep count how many times.

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