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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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MrFlibble posted 3/7/2021 02:38 AM

Thank you all, I thought I was coping pretty well but last night was hell. I just stared at the ceiling. I hate myself but I can't say I don't miss her. That would be a lie.

We texted a few times last night, she still wants a chance but understands if I don't want to speak to her or see her right now. It's so hard to disconnect while having small children. Plus we are going to be locked in our house for at least next two to three weeks due to lockdown.

I am emailing or calling my lawyer on Monday. But I plan on keeping the orriginal agreement to 50/50 split of assets. The only thing I would like to change is to have our house established as kids permanent residence.

I am also going to "quit" my job, or more like I decided to finish the project I am working on now (6 weeks max) and won't continue on the next one. We have some assets I can liquidate to keep us floting for a few months + I have multiple job offers every week. I think it would be good for me and girls to spend some time together. As much as I didn't want to admit it I had been neglectimg them a little due to my long work hours.

toby posted 3/7/2021 03:15 AM

In her recent revelations, did she admit to ďI love youísĒ exchange between her and SH? If I remember correctly, this was a dealbreaker for you.

MrFlibble posted 3/7/2021 04:14 AM

No she didn't. Says she never felt in love with him and never said it. I obviously have no way how to prove she's telling the truth, so everything she says I take as a lie unless proven otherwise

I asked her last night about that pictures since thinking about them being published somewhere makes me sick. She doesn't have them anymore so no reverse image search. Most of them were ordinary selfies, other pictures were in her underwear and no nudes or explicit pics. Another lie until proven otherwise.

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 4:15 AM, March 7th (Sunday)]

grubs posted 3/7/2021 04:44 AM

Start a poly list with those questions that matter. She'll be expecting other ones so won't be as prepared to lie.
Y/n format
Timeline accurate
Ily said
Pix/video in any state of undress
Sex- physical contact
Sex- oral,
sex-piv

You have to be sure you have the truth of the things that matter if you have any thoughts of R down the road.

nekonamida posted 3/7/2021 05:51 AM

Mr. Fibbles, it's normal to miss her. It's normal to grieve for the marriage and the wife you thought you had. It might help you to see an IC right now, reach out to friends and family and let them know what is happening, and build a team of support around yourself.

tushnurse posted 3/7/2021 07:39 AM

I know you are hurting horribly now but please please please talk to your attorney as to what the implications of quitting your job or even taking a LOA are in the grand scheme of things. Make sure that if you do thos she can't come back and say you committed financial abandonment.

Look she is wallowing in her shame today, but this woman is not the one you know. You don't know what she is capable of. You don't know what she will do if she decides you are the bad guy and she is clearly excellent at mental gymnastics. So don't think "she would never ". Plan for the worst hope for the best and know that real life falls in the middle somewhere.

Newlifeisgreat posted 3/7/2021 09:17 AM

For your own sanity, please tell her to to not contact you under any conditions except about the kids. You need to get away from her as quickly and for as long as possible.

Tell her all divorce related issues should go through lawyer.

Good luck

ramius posted 3/7/2021 11:45 AM

If you are going to be locked down with her for the next two or three weeks then youíve got to prepare yourself for what that will be like.

When cheaters get caught and go into damage control mode, which your WW has done, they can get very, very desperate. The prospect of being held accountable, and suffering the consequences of their decisions, is nearly impossible for them to grasp or come to terms with. Which by the way does not make her unique in anyway. Itís pretty much par for the course around here.

The manifestations can run the gamut, from one side of the spectrum to the other. Crying, anger, threats, love bombing, cooking your favorite meal, offering up any sex you want etc etc. The menu is wide and varied.

I would say as much as possible just try to keep conversations focused on the kids and how things are going to progress from this point forward in regards to custody and living situations etc. When she comes at you with all the other stuff just shut it down right away.

[This message edited by ramius at 4:37 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]

Buffer posted 3/7/2021 17:06 PM

Mr F, you have enough to make the call for D.
Burner phone, more hook ups, sexting etc. What will a polygraph prove? Again look at her past that will predict her future.
SH wouldnít be putting in the hard yards with STBX for just shits and giggles. There was or is more. Was her body his ultimate goal? I feel not.

Children are number 1 nowadays, so take care of yourself to care for them. At the end of the day she knew what she was doing, made the conscious decisions.
Then lie to control the fall out. Only you know her, her thoughts and mind set. But she has lost a lot of credibility with those here who were hopeful she was R material.
As always one day at a time.
Strength to you and the children.
Buffer

jlg05 posted 3/7/2021 22:56 PM

MrFlibble, it's PERFECTLY fine to take the time now to truly morn the death of your marriage, murdered by your STBXW.
You NEED to do this so that you can grieve properly and then MOVE ON in your life!

MrFlibble posted 3/8/2021 02:22 AM

We made it home, wife moved out of our bedroom into a guest room downstairs. It was nice yesterday, so we went to a walk with kids. It was obvious she wanted to speak to me but I didn't say a word to her and she just kept looking at me but didn't say anything either. Later after kids were in a bed she came to our bedroom but I locked the doors and told her to go away but she just sat by the door and went into 2h crying and begging fit. Then she slept on a floor in front of the room. So you can say the show already begun.

The reason why I locked the door is because I don't want to do anything stupid like I did before. I have a VERY high libido, and since I started working out and got into shape it skyrocketed. And my wife is obviously in a "I will do anything" mode. Add us being locked in a house together and this might not end up well. Any idea how to deal with it?

Also, I spoke to a friend of our yesterday and we are apparently a hot topic for gossip around our circles. Great.

And thank you for your input on my job, I spoke to my lawyer just few moment before and she told me to put it off until our custody agreement is firmly in place. Good call on that, thank you

MrFlibble posted 3/8/2021 02:26 AM

Oh and also that "I don't want anything in a divorce" won't fly so we will stick to the original plan of 50/50. I just need to find a way how to put together 900k. Looks like I will have that mortgage I never wanted after all..

grubs posted 3/8/2021 05:45 AM

Hotel or air bnb until apartment is secured? Rotate who's in the house.

fooled13years posted 3/8/2021 08:06 AM

MrFlibble

It was nice yesterday, so we went to a walk with kids

As you have children you will always have some type of relationship with your WW but doing things together as a family might start to confuse the kids.

They know something is going on between the two of you and may be heading towards divorce then you spend the day as a family.

You might consider talking with her only about the divorce or the kids and do things with the children individually.

This will prepare them for what's to come.

GoldenR posted 3/8/2021 09:14 AM

Just wanted to say I'm sorry that it's come to this, MrF.

Based on your posts, she had me fooled as well. That NEVER happens.

grubs posted 3/8/2021 09:34 AM

It was nice yesterday, so we went to a walk with kids

As you have children you will always have some type of relationship with your WW but doing things together as a family might start to confuse the kids.

2nd this advice. Just like when R was on the table separation wasn't recommended. Now that R is off the table, you should be living as you are separated. Go out to eat at family or friends on nights she "has" the kids. Take turns doing things with the kids. It's time to start living the new normal. Anything else is just going to continue to confuse all involved.
Things are going to get worse once she realizes that you are done for real. I'm not sure we'll know who she really is until then.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:36 AM, March 8th (Monday)]

ramius posted 3/8/2021 09:41 AM

Based on your posts, she had me fooled as well. That NEVER happens.

Same here. Her deception game is very strong. Well above average from the WSís we typically see around here.

And this is secondhand, through an Internet forum. I can only imagine what itís like in person, dealing with her directly.

Flibble....as far as libido goes. Without sounding crass, take care of it yourself. This will help keep that drive from clouding your judgment.

newlife03 posted 3/8/2021 10:02 AM

I'm so sorry it has come to this. You've done all you can to preserve your marriage so you can, at the very least, know this for your own sanity.

I'm not sure we'll know who she really is until then.

I believe this 100%; when she can no longer rely on you and have to fend for herself completely she'll show more parts of her character that you haven't seen. Be prepared mentally. And be sure to keep taking care of you~

MrFlibble posted 3/8/2021 11:03 AM

Thank you all. Unfortunately, we are in a hard lockdown right now, so no Hotels or Airbnb's available. Appartment hunting would be an almost impossible task and I don't want her to run around town meeting people even thought we both already had the virus. That just has to wait.

If she decides to play nasty, which I doubt, I will deal with it. I have a good lawyer and when pushed I can be very effective and ruthless. Who knows what her plan is (I doubt there is one), but now she is nice to me and tries to make my life easier. I will take it and make as few wawes as possible.

I am getting a ton of support from my friends even though I have not seen most of them for over a year now, which is great. I got a feeling some of them are even excited to make me their "make-over" project and are already pre-picking their single girlfriends for me, which is funny. Not that I plan on dating this year or anything, but knowing your are apparently "hot goods" is a nice feeling.

STBXW told me last night she plans to rent an appartment for a few months to put her life back on track and to be able to "fight for me with everything she has". When I asked if that means she want to back off out of our agreement/divorce and play it hard she said she doesn't want a divorce but understands she has no say in this anymore and will do anything I want. Still in "I am the victim" mode apparently.


As for the kids, they know what's up. And I can't help but feel a lot of resposibility for the mess we put them through. I mean the "I move out, she moves out, we fight, we make up, more fights" It's all very confusing for them and as a result they throw tantrums like never before. Wish I had a balls and ended this misery at the beginning. The older one asked us if she will have a "new house with a mommy"


So as I said, we are stuck at our house for now. The only thing that makes it easier is that our house is rather big (3,600sq feet) so it's easier to have my own space.

MrFlibble posted 3/8/2021 11:15 AM

And this is secondhand, through an Internet forum. I can only imagine what itís like in person, dealing with her directly.
She is surprisingly good around kids, all happy face. But I know her for so long, I can clearly see it's just an act. The real tears come when we are alone. I know she's hurting, maybe even more then I am. Her life just imploded and she has no one else to blame than herself.

Flibble....as far as libido goes. Without sounding crass, take care of it yourself. This will help keep that drive from clouding your judgment.
Well, I got married so I wouldn_t have to do this, but since I am getting divorced I might give it a start already. Just new normal I guess.

No, honestly, I can sense this is going to be a real issue. She knows me, she know where to push and as much as I hate to admit it, I am still very much attracted to her. Maybe I should just ragefvck her a few times to get it out, but it would not do any good.

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