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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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grubs posted 3/6/2021 07:23 AM

She's going to be a mess for a while, it'll be part of her healing. There's still some TT to be done even though you don't need to hear it. She needs to come clean to the someone so she can start coming to terms with who she was and what she did to her family.
I read it just to pull the band-aid off and stop wondering. I'm not sure I put much faith in anything she wrote. You do need to detach yourself from her outside of the kids and D. There's nothing more you can do for her outside of that. No more discussion on what happened. There's nothing left to be said that's useful to you now She needs to start living the life she created for herself w/o you to lean on. Unfortunately so do you.

gr8ful posted 3/6/2021 07:29 AM

I would read it if only to verify there are no hints of self harm.

Thereís a case on the board from years ago where a husband found out years later how his wife had a horrific affair, even going so far as to have sex with her AP in a church basement. The adultery only stopped when the AP was killed in a car incident. Years later the BH found a flash drive of pics his WW kept. She had fully grieved the loss of her AP, which the BH had thought was depression and had lovingly cared for her during that time, not knowing she was grieving the loss of her lover. The BH announced he was divorcing her and the guilt ultimately led the WW to suicide.

For the sake of your kids, Iím sure you still want your WW to be among the living. Perhaps have someone else read the letter just to verify thereís no hints of self harm in it.

tushnurse posted 3/6/2021 07:49 AM

if you are concerned about self harm let one of your parents skim it. Threatening self harm is just on track with attempting to control the narrative and the outcome. When you dont buy in then she is left to only examine herself and her actions.

If there is a threat of self harm call the authorities. Do not check on her do not be the savior. She needs help, and the authorities will get it for her or it is a simple manipulation and she will never do it again.

MrFlibble posted 3/6/2021 09:00 AM

I read the letter. Nothing new disclosed, same old assurance I know everything now. More apologies. She got a little into why she kept lying and why she came clean now. Basicaly what I already suspected, self-preservance and fear.

There is a little paragraph on how she envisions future. She wants girls to stay with me in a house while she moves out to work on herself to became a partner I deserve. She wants nothing out of our divorce and wants all our assets to be put in my name only. And she still wants to do the poly.

MrFlibble posted 3/6/2021 09:01 AM

And I am not concerned about her doing anything stupid, but I asked her sister to keep an eye on her. She keeps me updated

Justsomeguy posted 3/6/2021 09:14 AM

I am really sorry Mr. Fibble. Never have I wished to be wrong more. I think deep down, despite her willingness to do the poly, that there is still more. She is still in damage control mode, trying to control the outcome. Remember, our WS's know us after years of marriage. They know our normal behaviour patterns, and assume that if they are patient, we will return to the predictive narrative and act like we always have. It is their last hope. She is probably trying to "nice you back", hoping you will forget about the poly.

It's a tough thing to see our partners for who they really are, especially after we have invested our hearts and lives into the relationship. You have got a long road of healing ahead of you. It really does get better.

grubs posted 3/6/2021 09:18 AM

And I am not concerned about her doing anything stupid, but I asked her sister to keep an eye on her.

Yeah. I wasn't too concerned about that now. That was more a risk originally. She has had time to process and come to terms. If there's any risk in the future it'll be when you meet someone else.

I do think her desire to do the poly and be the partner you deserve isn't healthy for either of you. Lil bit of hopium for her and signs of future drama you don't need for you. Hold hard to the 180.

Dignitas posted 3/6/2021 10:17 AM

This woman still has no respect for you. All of that planning and secrecy? At his place twice? And only went to second base? Are they middle schoolers?

Iím glad youíve found your indignance, because sheís insulting your intelligence constantly, and has been this whole time.

Dude67 posted 3/6/2021 10:26 AM

Did she provide an explanation/details to you in person or in her letter concerning the two visits to the OMís house? What did they do there in her words?

nekonamida posted 3/6/2021 11:18 AM

If R is off the table, I wouldn't waste time and money on the polygraph. She wanted to take it before when she was lying so this just sounds like more of the same. If she wants to take one so badly, she can schedule and pay for it herself.

I'd take her up on the offer to move out and give you a good split of assets. If she gets it together, you can date again. You can marry again. But right now, she's not safe and you're better off putting yourself and the kids first by securing the house.

MrFlibble posted 3/6/2021 12:09 PM

I obviously asked her what they were doing if not fvcking. The first time she didn't even took off her shoes while he gave her some book they were talking about. IF they didn't really fvck then I believe he might just be testing waters. The second time it was planned and the moment he tried to take her top off she panicked and they never went through with it. Do I believe that? Not a chance in hell.

MrFlibble posted 3/6/2021 12:12 PM

She texted me she already moved out of our bedroom. If she wants to do a polygraph it's up to her. I am not moving a muscle to make it happen, and definitely not paying for it.

DIFM posted 3/6/2021 12:14 PM

She wants nothing out of our divorce and wants all our assets to be put in my name only. And she still wants to do the poly.

This is exactly as my situation was and I spared no time in accepting and getting the M officially ended. The D did NOT have any impact or impede our managing the future of the relationship or any of the R process. My fWW knew there were no guarantees other than a genuine opportunity to attempt to rebuild trust. But part of that trust rebuilding started with the offer to let me make the decisions however I wanted on the D details.

faithfulman posted 3/6/2021 12:33 PM

Mr Flibble - Stay your course. Please don't let what she has done be soft-peddled, even if she didn't "Have Sex"

Did she have sex with the sleazebag?
Often cheaters will try to narrowly define "sex" as to leave out every other sexual act and other form of betrayal, as if the only thing that ends relationships is full intercourse.

I've seen cheaters try to say oral sex, digital penetration, using condoms, only partially in, even anal or "only once" don't count!

You decide what is too far for you - not your wife (Who is a disloyal cheater and liar) or anybody on a forum who doesn't have to live your life.

***

Having said that, particularly for close-proximity affairs, nude photos and burner phones come after sexual activity, not before.

Also, I consider nude photos to be sexual activity.

Not to mention this man now has explicit photos of your wife. Chances are very high they will be distributed one way or another.

So perhaps she didn't have sexual intercourse. Anybody who has been around this block knows the chances of that are pretty fucking low. And what she has done outside of sex is pretty fucking low in any case.

***

Is there more she hasn't told you?

And as for reasons for lying? Self-preservance and fear I believe. It was obvious she wanted everything to just go away, to go back in time. Maybe It was too naive to expect her to tell me the truth when she knew it would mean it's over. So she let herself be eaten alive by guilt until she couldn't take it anymore and she came clean. You should have seem her this morning, she's a wreck. I can't help but feel sorry for her

The two bolded sections in the quote above contradict each other.

She lied because of self-preservation and fear? Absolutely.

She "came clean" because of guilt? Not hardly. She trickled some more truth because she you were grilling her absurd story and she had agreed to a polygraph.

She is trying to tell you "enough" to stave off a polygraph.

"Coming clean" would also include providing any hidden evidence etc.

She has not turned some corner where she can't stop telling the truth. Not hardly.

I would be incredibly surprised if your wife has "come clean" - a phrase which means she has told you EVERYTHING.

***

Guilt? My take is that from the moment you confronted your wife, all of her actions have been aimed at mitigating the pain and repercussions to her own life, these latest revelations included.

***

So where do you go from here?

It seems like you are pretty set on your course. If you know you want to divorce her and move on, you are making a decision that lines up with your values.

If you still harbor any feeling that you might reconcile with her, then remember this: Truth first, reconciliation (maybe) later. And she is still holding out.


grubs posted 3/6/2021 12:55 PM

If she wants to do a polygraph it's up to her. I am not moving a muscle to make it happen, and definitely not paying for it.

If she goes through with it, you should provide at least some of the questions with input from others here. There's ways to word them to limit the wiggle room. Truthfully, she shouldn't even know the exact questions in advance. That's to limit false negatives on deception.

When's she moving out? I'd give her a deadline for that.

Pandora16 posted 3/6/2021 13:33 PM

She wants nothing out of our divorce and wants all our assets to be put in my name only.

Jump on this with your lawyer right away. As my lawyer told me, cheater guilt has an expiration date.

I canít believe she is still hanging onto the claim that they didnít have sex. Actually, yes I can because cheaters lie.

ramius posted 3/6/2021 17:29 PM

This*^^^^^

Make hay while the sun is shining.

guvensiz posted 3/6/2021 18:19 PM

There is a little paragraph on how she envisions future. She wants girls to stay with me in a house while she moves out to work on herself to became a partner I deserve.

Does she still dreaming about common future? You couldn't stand even their little love games, how can she be hopeful for R?
And this "work on herself" thing, I come across these words a lot on this site. As if there really is a lot to work on. The only thing to be expected is to be honest, not to lie. Even silence is enough for this. And she has to still work on that? Let her work, good for her future BF/H.

The second time it was planned and the moment he tried to take her top off she panicked and they never went through with it.

So, the POSOM tried to get inside her pants every time they had the chance but never achieved although your WW also wants it.
I don't know these chronologically but if that car incident was first, they didn't go any further and texted about not to do it (assumably). After that, there were a lot of car and 2 house meetings and we know with what intention they did it. Your WW has been uncomfortable with it left half each time, but somehow she decided to try it again and again. Meanwhile, she showed no hesitation about sexting and sending pictures (maybe videos too). And the patient POSOM never got tired of this, so much so that they were going on until DDay and probably would have continued if they were not caught.
It seems that they don't like having sex but they like the possibility of having sex.

If she wants to do a polygraph it's up to her.

You have to prepare the questions at least. I suggested poly in all my previous posts, without exception. This would be a must for R. I say there is no need for poly and R anymore. She should understand the evil she did in the post-DDay period and how she messed up everything by doing it.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 6:30 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 3/6/2021 19:56 PM

She wants nothing out of our divorce and wants all our assets to be put in my name only.

I don't know if this applies in your country but I doubt in most jurisdictions in the US that such a one sided settlement would be approved by a judge.
The court doesn't want one of the people to become broke because of a divorce. The cheating was between the H and W so I guess Mrs Flibble could return money to Mr if the court decides the marital assets must be split equally. The law looks at things differently.

And I am awful sorry about this latest info...but not very surprised.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:12 AM, March 7th (Sunday)]

jlg05 posted 3/6/2021 22:15 PM

MrFlibble, SO sorry it has come to this for you. Must be like the rug pulled out YET AGAIN.
You already had the D planned, so that is at least good. Get some distance from this (maybe even LET her get the Poly), and you will I hope at least be able to tolerate her down the line.

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