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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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Shockedmom posted 3/4/2021 07:58 AM

I am so sorry. Trickle truth is almost more deadly to relationships than the initial shock of discovery. You have taken a body blow. Even with the poly will you be able to trust her in a future marriage?

grubs posted 3/4/2021 08:28 AM

Sorry, I was afraid of that. The A would have been over after the car incident if it had happened exactly as she told it. That it continued meant there was likely more to the story. I just don't think you needed another BTW voice at this time.

You need to think hard on what your deal breakers are. What you can live with her having done. If you are already there, it's time to dust off the apartment idea again. You'll both need to start working towards what life's going to be after the D.

If you're not totally at the deal breaker, take her revised timeline and match it up with the calls/texts. Look for any discrepancy that might prompt you to ask more questions.

Send the kids off to family for the weekend. Have her read the timeline to you. Let her know this is the last chance for revision before the Poly. Take breaks if needed but get it done. No matter how long it takes to get this done. Let her know that any future revision will end any possibility of R as will failing the poly. That's the only deal breaker I would tell her. Ask the questions you have at the appropriate points. She has to answer as if there is no chance of R to protect. In spite of the shame she feels. No matter how much it is going to hurt you.

It might also be time for IHS or separation from this point to when you can get the poly done. You're both likely pretty raw emotionally right now. You both need follow up IC.

[This message edited by grubs at 11:00 AM, March 4th (Thursday)]

ramius posted 3/4/2021 10:58 AM

You were right, there was more. She broke down yesterday

Sometimes it’s almost as if they want to fail.

Buster123 posted 3/4/2021 11:54 AM

You were right, there was more. She broke down yesterday and gave me new timeline and wants to go to that polygraph to prove that's really it.
Still adamant there was no sex. I am crushed

What else did she admit to this time ? go through with the poly, we've seen different versions of the infamous "parking lot confession" right before, during and after the polygraph test, so get it done ASAP.

Sanibelredfish posted 3/4/2021 15:50 PM

Well, shit, sorry to hear this, Mr. F.

One thing that bothers me is that the information you were able to find independently confirmed her initial timeline. If there is a dramatic difference in what this TT has revealed, you may need to consider that she had a burner phone or another way of communicating with him that results in you having a less complete picture of the A than you initially thought. Indeed, given that they worked together there would be a lot of ways to communicate discreetly.

I think you’re going to have to hold her feet to the fire (like Neanderthal) to finally get the truth from her.

This0is0Fine posted 3/4/2021 16:01 PM

I feel like I have missed the boat on this thread a little bit. I read through it and it sounded like you had an amicable in house separation type deal going on until D is finalized. Is D still moving forward? I mean, just keep doing that.

I think all BSs tend to play a game of baseball with an undefined number of strikes allowed to the WS. Some are stingy, and it's one strike and they are out. Some are generous and say, "that wasn't really a strike, more of a foul ball" chance after chance. Well how many strikes are you going to allow your WW on TT?

I'm also going to steal some thunder from MrFlibble since there are only two obvious escalations.

1) She went to the hotel
and/or
2) She did more in the car

I know TT would crush me. So I really feel for you.

grubs posted 3/4/2021 16:07 PM

One thing that bothers me is that the information you were able to find independently confirmed her initial timeline. If there is a dramatic difference in what this TT has revealed, you may need to consider that she had a burner phone or another way of communicating with him that results in you having a less complete picture of the A than you initially thought. Indeed, given that they worked together there would be a lot of ways to communicate discreetly.

I think you’re going to have to hold her feet to the fire (like Neanderthal) to finally get the truth from her.


I don't think a burner phone in this instance. But there were a lot of conversations going on at work and in the car that Mr. F wasn't aware of.
TT is deadly. Shame, guilt, fear whatever the cause it seems really hard for WS's to come clean all at once. Unfortunately for Mrs. F. she's passed up a lot of opportunities to confess everything. I'm not sure Mr. F. is interested in holding her feet to the fire. If you have to work so hard to corner them into the truth, can you really believe them going forward?

Kindern posted 3/4/2021 17:00 PM

I was following this thread and apprehensive to comment because ultimately I disagreed with the general consensus and thought people were being harsh... clearly I was naïve given the continued trick truthing.

Honestly what good is a poly now? A poly is to assure the BS that they know everything and no more lies are out there. It’s a full stop on the events and a starting point for something new. But there’s no full stop because what she did isn’t the main problem, who she is as a person is now the issue.

WS’s behaviour since the affair has long since become more damaging than the affair itself. That was bad, don’t get me wrong, but this behaviour since is why Fibble should, in my opinion, walk away.

She hasn’t changed, not one single bit, since her affair. She’s just as selfish and willing to protect herself to her partners detriment.

She had the affair for herself, and did so despite hurting her husband. She forced arguments back then to assuage her guilt, to her husbands detriment. Post D-Day she lied and trickle truthed to protect herself to her husbands detriment. To this day, despite reconciliation going well, she continues to prioritise her own feelings and wants regardless of his by hiding shit. How hard did she fight divorce? How manipulative was she when consequences came down. To this day it took the threat of a Poly for her to reveal more truth, again selfishly since she knows a failed poly hurts her.

The affair is actually, relatively, insignificant compared to this level of selfishness directly to someone else’s detriment. She can stonewall her office colleagues, become a hermit... never see another man as long as she lives but honestly can she be trusted? This kinda behaviour can emerge elsewhere with other issues. Can you trust her to have your best interests at heart even one iota?

Infidelity was a symptom, not a cause. She is a selfish liar who does everything for herself with no regard for her partner. That won’t be fixed with a poly or a divorce.

grubs posted 3/4/2021 18:07 PM

To this day, despite reconciliation going well, she continues to prioritise her own feelings and wants regardless of his by hiding shit.

I don't think she's excessively horrid because of TT. The first new revelation really wasn't forced by the threat of the polygraph, but by the conversation on boundaries and honesty the day before. I think at that point Mr F wasn't considering a polygraph. I think Mrs. F. speaking the truths now is progress, but she should have opened up happened months ago. Its been clear from early on her primary goal was not to lose her husband and happy family. At this point she dreads that loss probably more than her life. I can't consider that a bad thing in respect for her motivation to do what she needs to for reconciliation.

I can see the rationale for truth trickling, warped as it is. Even the most remorseful waywards want to, even feel that they have to, limit the damage of what they did. Whether that's due to fear, shame, purely selfish reasons, concern for their BS feelings or family is hard to tell. It's probably a mixed up combination most of the time.

Waywards just they don't realize the damage that it does when they continue to lie or omit. Telling the truth early on is more important than any damage the truth does.

[This message edited by grubs at 6:08 PM, March 4th (Thursday)]

Buffer posted 3/5/2021 01:11 AM

Brother for shit sake. More amendments to her previous statements that there was no more to divulge.
Time to let her go on her own.
One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 4:48 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]

faithfulman posted 3/5/2021 01:11 AM

Mr. Flibble, I am very sorry for your further pain.

I do have quite a bit to say in reaction, but today was consumed with work.

If you share the new disclosures, it may help us advise you.

Meanwhile, please take care of yourself

MrFlibble posted 3/5/2021 09:32 AM

Sorry to leave on a cliffhanger, I am trying to keep it together and coming back here makes it harder. I was such an idiot.

Long story short (because I don't want to get into it again) she confessed to

- having a secret phone
- being coached on how to hide everything by him
- sexting and pictures being exchanged
- many more meetings in public places AND his car
- she had been to his place 2 times

and many more minor details. Still denies it went furhter then 2nd base (thanks for clarification). How stupid she thinks I am? Unbelieveable.

I am going to my parents with girls for a weekend, they don't need to see her in her state. Divorce going full steam ahead. Told her to find herself new living arangements because she is not living with us anymore. I will keep to the divorce settlements and buy her out of the house

Guys, trust your gut.

DanielJK posted 3/5/2021 09:36 AM

I'm so sorry.

- she had been to his place 2 times

and no sex? She actually wants you to believe that they went to his house twice, but there was no sex?

I'm so sorry for this trickle truth.

Kudos to sanibelredfish on calling the burner phone. I never cease to be amazed at the knowledge here. These folks know the cheater handbook inside and out.

grubs posted 3/5/2021 09:38 AM

Sorry Mr. Fibble. What an idiot. She could have saved you both a lot of pain and anguish if she would have come clean months ago. Do your best to convince her to stay in IC. You want her to be as healthy as possible for the kids. I'd say him not hitting all the bases is impossible with this added info.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:41 AM, March 5th (Friday)]

Unsure2019 posted 3/5/2021 10:19 AM

Good God!!!! I actually believed her story and thought sure you were on your was to a solid, successful R. I was really pulling for you both. What is wrong with her? After everything you’ve done to set R in motion, this latest revelation would be enough for me to never be able offer R again. I’m with others – burner phone, sexing, more meetings and to his house twice – he got a hone run more than once. If you’re going to D for sure, don’t torture yourself by digging for more or a polygraph. There would for sure be more TT and it’s just going to get more painful for you. Stay strong and stay here for support.

HopefulTelephone posted 3/5/2021 10:20 AM

So deep in her affair that she has a burner phone and is being coached on how to keep from getting caught from her AP. All that, and yet they didn't have sex. What an insultingly obvious lie.

DanielJK posted 3/5/2021 10:54 AM

Not sure if you have ever seen the show “cops” or “livePD” but when a drunk driver gets pulled over and asked by the police… "how much have you had to drink?” The answer is almost always “2 beers” or “a couple of beers.”

Going to his place 2 times is likely minimizing. It was “only” 2 times.

If they went as far as exchanging nude photos, sexting, and kissing…the leap to sex is such a very tiny, infinitesimal step.

This is a good example of a case where an immediate filing of divorce was a good move. You could have even stopped the process if you started to feel comfortable and safe. You avoided living in the absolute hell that is limbo. Limbo is a place that many of us have lived. I look at your story and am glad that you did not do what I did. I know that sounds weird, I’m not trying to downplay anything that you are going through. It fucking sucks.

grubs posted 3/5/2021 11:07 AM

- having a secret phone
- being coached on how to hide everything by him

Explains why the texts on the phones were relatively clean.
Trying to think how getting coached how to cheat wouldn't raise massive red flags to a new wayward. Like WTF that just screams serial cheater. Mrs. F. deserves the disaster she created. Mr F. and the kids don't.

[This message edited by grubs at 11:07 AM, March 5th (Friday)]

Buster123 posted 3/5/2021 11:26 AM

Long story short (because I don't want to get into it again) she confessed to

- having a secret phone
- being coached on how to hide everything by him
- sexting and pictures being exchanged
- many more meetings in public places AND his car
- she had been to his place 2 times

and many more minor details. Still denies it went furhter then 2nd base (thanks for clarification). How stupid she thinks I am? Unbelieveable.

Cheaters lie a lot, based on reading countless of stories here on SI and in other forums, when they tell you it was "only once" or "2 times" it typically turns out being many more, especially with the level of sophistication that she has confessed to (burner phone, sexting, being coached), based on this new revelation I could not think of anyone believing this was nothing but a full blown PA, she was already sexting, going to his house, meeting in public places, burner phone for constant and frequent communication etc., she basically had a double life. Did she give you the burner phone ?

For all those lurking out there, this is another example as to why a polygraph is a great tool and recommended in many cases.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 11:30 AM, March 5th (Friday)]

66charger posted 3/5/2021 11:32 AM

Divorce going full steam ahead. Told her to find herself new living arangements because she is not living with us anymore. I will keep to the divorce settlements and buy her out of the house

If you are at the point where reconcilliation is permanently off the table, it is time to focus on the divorce and nothing but the divorce.

Full stop on the polygraph or any talks about the affair. Pain shopping is a self inflicted injury that is often fatal. Dont go there. The trickle truth is not over and you and everyone else knows it. Accept it happened and move on. Enough is enough.

[This message edited by 66charger at 12:20 PM, March 5th (Friday)]

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