Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 2:38 AM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

...as soon as I found out she was cheating I was hitting my gym. An old habit of days past, I am on week four (4) of working out and although mentally I am rough my body is really responding and I feel much better physically. I have lost five lbs and look to drop thirty more.

If you are doing this for yourself, it is great. If you are doing it to try and look better for your wayward wife, you are on a hiding to nothing, and handing all the power to her. The person who should be doing the impressing and working to appear attractive is your wife, to you, not you to her.

Seriously, what message are you sending her? She pursues another man, so you try and make yourself buff for her? She should be trying to prove she is worth you even considering continuing a relationship with. Let her go the gym for you.

We are going out tonight for the New Year with close friends none of which knows what is going on. (planned many weeks ago) I will put on my game face & not drink very much. Only my best friend and a really close co-worker who went through her own divorce last year have been my sounding boards.

Why are you pretending that nothing is going on? All that does is enable your wife's affair to continue, and you make her look like she has done nothing wrong. You weaken your position, and strengthen hers. Why? What do you gain by hiding the abuse you are being subjected to?

Stop playing nice. It is time to start letting people know what she is doing, who she is doing it with, and how long she has been doing it. Remove the potential for her to say that she only met her 'soulmate' after the two of you broke up.

If you don't, you are smoothing the way for her to leave and pretend there was no affair, and no other man actively breaking up the marriage and family. Hiding it only serves your wife and her affair partner; what good does making it easier for the affair to continue do you?

posts: 1178   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8621073
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BigBlueEyes ( member #71441) posted at 9:44 AM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

Carrying on as if nothing has happened doesn’t mean ‘it’ goes away,

You are doing the pick me dance...why?

Her lack of respect for you & your family, your marriage is crazy, yet she gets to be wined & dined & made to feel special? Taken out with friends like she has done nothing wrong!

Listen I get it...I do, but believe us when we say it won’t work.

We have all walked some form of this journey & it’s always the same outcome.

You need to get control of this, you need to show strength if you want to get past/out of infidelity.

Only with you driving this shitty rollercoaster will it work.

Don’t compete with her handyman boyfriend,

Your the god damn prize...not him or her

Me- BW, 47
Multi Dday's,
DB A's x 2 BFF
Multi ONS's, Online shit.
Serial cheat, Abuser,
D 18.02.20
Stay strong, just because it’s hard today, doesn’t mean that next week it won’t get easier!!

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: A tiny dot in a big 'ol World
id 8621191
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AKABrokenArrow ( member #52541) posted at 9:45 AM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

I don’t think this has been mentioned but if they both are using iPhones they could be using iMessage for texts which won’t appear on your statement.

I’m sorry you’re here.

posts: 148   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2016
id 8621192
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oldtruck ( member #62540) posted at 11:39 AM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

unbelievable

WW will not stop her PA and you did not expose this to the

other couple when canceling this event with them.

WW do not respect weak. they never come back to weak.

this weak behavior by contrast makes her OM appear even

stronger than he is for he takes what he wants.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8621197
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Apparition ( member #75755) posted at 12:44 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

I’m reading your comments and see some similarity to my own “soft 180”. I distracted myself, worked out, put on a fake positive mood, “watched & gathered information”, etc. The result, I made myself strong enough to get freshly abused every day. Beware walking this path of consensual abuse. Waywards will take their spouse up on the offer to continue their abuse. Perhaps its a necessary stage. I can say that as I do the hard 180, my WW keeps offering up more and more positive behaviors. I’ve decided not to back off 180 as I’ve read too many stories of similar wayward behavior. They are sneaky, selfish, manipulative, and surprisingly cruel. Really, your WWs capacity for abuse may shock you. My point being that the 180 doesn’t appear to destroy the opportunity for R, or make the relationship worse (remember the waywards destroyed the M), but may be a gateway to something better. D, R; whatever. Maybe its the only gateway; I don’t know and decided to just do 180 for me. Remember 180 is not for them, R, or D. Its just for you. My opinion right now; Its only when you don’t accept abuse that anything can become clear. Its all a fog, 180 just seems to help clear that fog. Keep faith in yourself.

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8621204
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WalkingHome ( member #72857) posted at 6:10 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

The hurt stops when you stop it with D papers. Soft approaches are akin to taking a little poison and hoping it only kills you a little bit at a time.

Value yourself. You are better than all this crap. Burn it down, walk out.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8621279
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 6:25 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

Really pulling for you CM70 and urge you in the strongest terms to heed the advice posted above. You can do this!

posts: 82   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8621281
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 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 9:52 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

Hello everyone, thanks for all the responses & guidance. You are all right it is time to drop the hammer. My daughter is competitions today so it will happen tomorrow as everything is wide open then. First some responses to above questions:

Has all contact with AP been cut off, yes far as I know we have blocked his cell # and he is not on her Facebook account. She has said as much in VAR conversations with her friend & Sister. It has been early December since she has talked to him as far as I know.

My workouts/fitness is for me & me only not to get her back. I have been having back problems & snore at night. My back is way better in a short four weeks & I hope the snoring stops when I get to a better weight. If I am going to be thrust back into the singles world I will need to look good. But another relationship is the farthest from my mind right now. It makes me feel better & gives me more confidence.

The plan, sit her down & tell her I want a complete timeline of everything that went down with the AP. What was said, what was done, there plans all will be verified by a lie detector test. I will demand her phone so I can take it in to try to retrieve their text messages. I will file a petition for divorce to get the ball rolling & show that I am not fucking around. I will tell her parents & my siblings what is going on as well as our closer friends, so there will be no more hiding in the shadows. If there will be an R or D, I guess it depends on what I find out & if she puts in the work to show me she gives a shit. Also I will implement the 180...

[This message edited by CM70 at 3:56 PM, January 1st (Friday)]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8621326
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BigNoob ( member #75807) posted at 9:58 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

Glad to hear CM.

If possible please get yourself into therapy. You have just suffered a trauma from your wife's betrayal

posts: 207   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8621329
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 10:18 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

You WW is free to date any men, but not as your wife.

If you ever want to R, she has to choose you and drop the OM like a hot potatoe. As long as she views him as prince charming and live in her fantasy, she is not R material.

Do the 180 for you to detach. The more you detach, the easier it is to make decisions that are good for you, not decisions because “you love your wife”.

If you expose her, the romance and fairy tail will evaporate quickly.

Post often. The replies you got are very good and are based on reading hundreds of stories like yours.

If when her bubble bursts, she will need to gain your trust again. That’s a long process that takes years.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1438   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8621335
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 10:44 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

I'm glad you have set a date. That is actually important and your first step in taking control over your life, exiting infidelity (whether you R or D) and find peace.

Bring a VAR to the confrontation.

I suggest you prepare an outline of what you want to cover and use it as talking points.

Provide her with deadlines.

Insist that she not say anything until you are finished.

Finally, her behavior has destroyed your trust. Make sure she understands that 'trust' is just as important as to what extent there was sex; and you will not remain married to a woman you do not trust.

Therefore, she needs to provide a plan for rebuilding your trust.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:48 PM, January 1st (Friday)]

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8621342
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 11:24 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

Along with the timeline you definitely need to demand she be tested for STDs. This does 2 things, 1. Make sure she doesn't have any. 2. Show her that you no longer trust her words and will only trust her actions. Which changes the power a bit.

Also watch her reaction when give her thos demand. If she says no or 8ta unnecessary be brutally honest. She destroyed your trust. If she is innocent she should jump at the chance to prove herself.

Also go get tested yourself.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18940   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8621355
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 11:27 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

Glad to hear you are taking appropriate action. For any chance at a successful R, she needs to be scared straight. If she doesn't fully wake up, then the marriage is not salvageable because she will repeat the behavior with the OM or someone else down the line. I made the giant mistake of rug sweeping the ex-wife's first affair by following the poor advice of a MC. Go IC, not MC. Good luck to you.

posts: 417   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8621357
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 11:59 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

Cheaters all lie a lot. There are always other ways to communicate like work phones, burner phones (prepaid phones), work email, etc. From what I’ve seen I doubt she dropped him cold turkey. The long phone call after you confronted may have been plans on going underground.

While it is possible it’s not a sexual affair it’s not likely or probable. Why would she be in her car at a park at night? I doubt they were playing checkers or listening to music. Most In your position refuse to believe it.

Stay away from marriage counselors up front. Many are horrible and may cause more damage than help. Your marriage isn’t broken she is.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8621364
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 12:00 AM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

WW will not stop her PA and you did not expose this to the

other couple when canceling this event with them.

WW do not respect weak. they never come back to weak.

this weak behavior by contrast makes her OM appear even

stronger than he is for he takes what he wants.

Excellent advice.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8621365
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 12:07 AM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

I will demand her phone so I can take it in to try to retrieve their text messages.

If there is hard evidence it will probably be in her phone. You’ll need passwords to do a recovery.

Phonelab used to be top rated.

If I had to do one thing this would be it. Hire an expert if needed but get the truth now. You won’t get it later and it’ll be hard living without it.

Good luck and keep posting. You’ll get a lot of good help here.

Keep this sight secret. It’s your safe place.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:08 PM, January 1st (Friday)]

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8621368
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 12:12 AM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

Meanwhile I would not take what your WW said to her sister or anyone else as evidence that she is no longer in contact w AP. WW lie a lot and there is quite the possibility that she lied to them as well as you.

posts: 291   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8621370
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 12:18 AM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

She says I know I am a terrible mother, wife, slut, whore etc & she is ashamed at what she has done but can't turn back time.

An EA?

I think about my 2 kids who are 13 & 15 and how this could destroy them & it kills me inside.

No it won’t. It’ll be hard on them and you too but it will not destroy you or your kids. Many have gone through this. Learn from them.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:21 PM, January 1st (Friday)]

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8621371
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 1:39 PM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

She says I know I am a terrible mother, wife, slut, whore etc & she is ashamed at what she has done but can't turn back time. [/itali

c]

Nothing about calling herself names makes her a safe partner going forward. Name calling and labels are a waste of breathe and shame is just a word until she gives it definition through long term changes in her behavior.

In your anger, it may make you feel good to hear her say it. However, IMO it would be more constructive for her to hear you respond with:

"No, your behavior is: immature, selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacks empathy for your life partner."

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8621440
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 1:58 PM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

Some people say those things because they want to be reassured. She wants to hear: "No you’re not a slot etc...". She wants to be comforted and hear that you will do this or that to make her feel better. In other words, it’s all about her (again).

A more mature response from an R candidate would be: "I take responsibility for my actions and decisions and I will make this right".

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1438   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8621442
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