Ugh. I feel so bad saying these things to you. I want you to know if I could wrap up reconciliation in a pretty package and hand it to you to simply open I would in a second. I’m sorry to keep harping on this.
But what you said to her a month ago and what I am saying are different. It’s nuanced and tough for me to explain. But it is different.
So you gave her the choice. “If he is so great, I’ll help you move. Just say the word!”
That’s not what I am recommending.
Instead I am saying that you tell her you don’t believe that she doesn’t have feelings for this man and until she actually proves she doesn’t, you are not interested in rebuilding with someone who desires another man more than you.
In this way you have control of the decision. You need to control it instead of letting her make it.
So instead the conversation should be something like this:
I know you. I know my wife. And I can tell you still have desire for this man. I do not believe your words. I don’t believe you are telling me the truth. Perhaps we should ask the question under a poly.
Sure you care about me like you care about the kids. But you don’t love me. You don’t desire me. Not like you do him.
And therefore I am not interested in working on this marriage, putting in what has to be the hardest effort I’ve ever taken after you have hurt me so, only to have you pretend to desire me while you are pining away for him.
So this is the hardest thing I’ve ever have had to do, but the only way you and I will know, is if we separate and you figure out what is truly in your heart.
This is full separation with no commitments. I will be actually working to get thru this pain and move on. And I suggest you figure out what life with this man is truly like, day in and day out. So far he hasn’t had to deal with you and raising kids or paying bills or being with each other 24x7.
Well now is the chance to find out if reality matches your heart. Whoi knows, maybe he truly is the soulmate you think he is and life with him will be bliss. If that’s the case I don’t want to hold you back from that happiness.
And better that we find out now than you live a lie with me every day for the next 10 years while you have a whole in your heart over missed opportunity.
So if we are truly going to fix this thing, we have to be willing to lose it all in order to find out if it was what we wanted all along.
So let’s work on a separation with the only commitment that we agree to coparent as best we can for our kids sake. Other than that, no attachments. We will figure out separate housing and you can see if you can find what you are looking for.
Because I will tell you, the next person I spend my life with, whether it’s you or someone else, will have only me in their heart. I won’t settle for less.
Now I will talk to the lawyer about a separation agreeement. It s the only way I can see to proceed with the possibility, even if it’s remote, that you can prove to me, and yourself, that you truly want me and only me someday again.
That’s my recommendation buddy. It’s an impossible task I know. But if you really think about it, after what she has said to you and you heard her saying to others, I truly believe it’s your best chance. At the very least you will find yourself on a path to freedom where you can find the person you are supposed to be with!
[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:21 AM, March 13th (Saturday)]