Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
I found out a week ago today

Topic is Sleeping.
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FlowerPower ( Member #52231) posted at 6:07 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2020

Kate, I really am sorry for all that has happened. His extended stay, your bad COVID experience and then the crazy B harassing you. That's a lot to take in. You have every right to go through every emotion of pain, rage, sorrow, etc.

I am really heartened by the fact that he got emergency leave home, that he broke off the affair while there, that he has expressed sincere regret, and he is doing all the right things and constantly crying. IN my way of thinking he is OWNING this by not blame shifting any of this on you. You won;t know til he gets home if you can get through this together, but it's worth a try (In my opinion) if he keeps up the work from all the damage he has caused.

I don't know, I am not from a military/civilian family who is stationed abroad, but his situation did not seem ideal. Only 100 people within 1,000miles, not much to do and the community is locked down for COVID. That by itself puts stress on the situation, but then to be told, "too bad, your stay is extended," is really a lot to take on.

I AM NOT DEFENDING his actions in ANY way, but I think it would be very hard for any of us to put ourselves in his position when our lives are so different. Psycho B didn't help either. Sounds like she was out for far more than FWB.

If I understood correctly, he broke it off, told her he loves you, and she went beserk in harassing you. He had already stopped things with her, and my guess is now that she is Psycho B, he is really regretting his actions.

Depending on his mature reflection and ownership about this when he gets home, I personally think it is repairable especially if (In addition to all the the standard demands often listed here):

He does not have to go back to this type of situation for work.

She doesn't live near you and you both follow through with the police if she contacts either of you.

A few more questions: Does Psycho B and your partner work for the same company that stationed him in this location? Can he get a job in his field without significant time away? Does she have a Betrayed partner? Does she live away from you both?

This is tough. Be kind to yourself. You sound like a stable and smart woman. Keep your eyes open but keep your heart a little open too. People make mistakes, and this situation is as unique as any I've read on here. I am not saying that he is trustworthy, just that every situation causes stress in a manner we may not know how it plays out.

[This message edited by FlowerPower at 12:09 PM, November 20th (Friday)]

posts: 85   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2016
id 8610979
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 7:17 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2020

I guess I want to disagree with FlowerPower a little bit.

I think you should think about the circumstances that led to this, his commitment issues, running off to a post abroad because of it, the Aspergers (which I know from experience does not make for easy relationships). I think he has more work to do here than only repairing the damage of an affair. For all the OW is acting so madly now, people don’t get to that point for no reason and given the length of his post, this was an affair that lasted some time.

Both separation and reconciliation are options but that doesn’t mean that life has to look as it did before. Indeed it should not, any reconciliation should be based on him sorting his commitment issues as well as what has led him to cheat.

Think carefully before letting him live with you again, if he has the option to stay elsewhere because if he comes back and you can’t stand to look at him, you might find yourself stuck. I only mean, don’t rush to try and put things “back to normal” because normal can’t come back now, you have to work towards something new either with or without him.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8611000
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Hedwig ( Member #74175) posted at 7:20 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2020

Kate88, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please, keep reading and keep posting here, it will help you and keep you sane.

Your last post seemed to me like you were trying to convince yourself more than anyone. Gently, you really should wait before offering to try.

I also had a deeply regretful WBF who cried his eyes out, went NC with his AP and jumped through hoops at his job to get himself out of working with AP (similar to your BF with the emergency evacuation but without a flying vehicle). He told me he would do everything to get another chance and when I stated what I wanted and needed he agreed to all of them. IC for him, CC (couples counceling) for us (paid by him) and he would stop drinking (yes, alcohol played a huge role in his affair too).

He promised me heaven and earth, but let me tell you how that turned out. He started drinking after 2,5 months. Couples counseling was a joke and he started complaining that it was too expensive (after a year and a couple of months) and he never went to IC. Never while we were together and I doubt he is in IC now that we are done.

The thing is. Promising stuff when you deeply regret what you've done is very easy. It's a little bit like promising yourself to never drink again when you have a really bad hangover or like promising yourself to only eat healthy from now on and hit the gym 3 times a week when you see the numbers on the scale have gone up.

The truth is...R is hard work. Very hard work. It is not for the weak or the selfish. And it takes a lot of time. I wish I had waited and watched before taking him back, before telling him I was willing to give him a chance. Not because I think we would still be together, but because it would have saved me so much. It would have saved me time and additional trauma and hurt in the form of minimizing and deflecting and gaslighting and lying.

So please, I understand it might feel like you need the security of a decision but really, you need the security of time.

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 261   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8611002
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 Kate88 (original poster Member #75884) posted at 10:14 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2020

Thanks so much everyone. These replies are all so helpful. I have some anxiety right now (I have never been an anxious person) but it's affected my brain. I think I have some kind of cognitive dissonance or similar because my brain just can't accept that this is happening because my trust was so strong.

The crazy woman found my work number and hassled me more. Now she is calling me from a private number that I can't block. I sent her one message begging her to please leave me alone because she is making me ill and asking her to take mercy on me because this isn't my fault and then blocked her again. I am praying she leaves me alone.

My (ex) boyfriend has had to go to a (male) friends to hide because she was trying to break into his house. It's all so crazy, and like someone said I am wondering how it's possible she got this crazy and if it means there was more to it. I want to believe him, but obviously it's impossible to do so.

To answer questions:

She works with him. Everyone there works together. She came over after a relationship breakup (??!!!)

He will never take another post overseas again (unless I go with him).

When he leaves, he will no longer work there so hopefully that will be no more contact.

My Dad, sister and darling son all have Aspergers and so I am used to it / find it very comforting and it's one of the things that attracted me. Aspie people are usually very kind, honest, clever etc. and he is (I thought) all those things.

He is giving me all the support he can, and is in constant communication to make sure I am not in the dark anymore and he's doing all he can to make me feel safe in these strange circumstances.

My state right now is just anxious and I realise it's too early to know what to do but I am relieved he is coming home. I think it's possibly true that I just have not mentally accepted it yet. Probably because I can't face doing so.

I just want it all to go away / not be true, so perhaps this is the phase they call "denial" and I know I have a long way to go.

I am trying to just stay calm right now. It's very difficult.

Thank you everyone xx

posts: 51   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2020
id 8611045
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redfish ( Member #71426) posted at 10:42 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2020

I fell asleep then woke myself up with nightmares and feel like vomiting and all anxious inside. I really don't know what to feel.

This is not how one should feel in a safe relationship. Please take the advice of others to take it slow with your "New Relationship" with him. I like the comment from Jambomo who said you may want him to stay somewhere else when he gets back. After all if you first started dating, typically you don't move in together.

posts: 108   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8611060
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annanew ( Member #43693) posted at 10:45 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2020

I think if you could somehow see a record of their relationship, you would find the he was a more active participant than he claims. This is VERY common. It's textbook minimizing: "I didn't want to, but for some inexplicable reason I did, but when I did, I never enjoyed it".

So you have a bit of an aggressor OW on your hands. Does that mean that if she texted him something flirty, he didn't respond in kind, while sober? I doubt it.

His story is that they accidentally slept with each other. And then they accidentally did it again. Oops and then they accidentally did it AGAIN. Damn, they had some sh*tty luck.

His overall relationship ambivalence bothers me because you are sort of straining to give him the benefit of the doubt... his bad childhood, his aspergers, etc. I think you are doing yourself a disservice. You deserve better than someone who is only halfheartedly committed and who repeatedly cheats on you and lies to you too.

He's being perfect right now, because he doesn't want you to dig any deeper, and he wants to quickly undo the damage. It doesn't work that way. Recovery takes years. Is he prepared to put in that time? What about his commitment phobia?

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2440   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8611061
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 Kate88 (original poster Member #75884) posted at 10:17 AM on Saturday, November 21st, 2020

Well, at this point most of my beliefs about what happened come from HER and not him.

Obviously I have not trusted his word given the circumstances, but her version of events is that they slept together when drunk and he just wanted to be friends after that. She said he was "resistant" over a long period.

She agrees he's never instigated anything sexually, she agrees no texts of any romantic / flirty nature exist (I asked her to produce some and she couldn't), she claimed to be with him at times I know she wasn't with him (because I was on facetime with him), she's agreed he has told her repeatedly he loves someone at home and she has to stop trying for more (he has sent me screenshots to show this is true). So his story and hers match up on this element.

I think his mistake (aside from the sex which is disgusting) was thinking that they could be "friends" and continuing to spend time with her. Obviously in such an intense, enclosed environment with no one else around and no escape, she has invested big feelings and dependence on him and thought she could persuade him around.

What she's trying to do now is to get rid of me, because she thinks if she does she will get what she wants. She doesn't know he is coming home, and at this point he's told her they can have no communication unless an official witness from their office is present.

I know I'm not meant to feel terrible, but the circumstances are obviously terrible. I'm not making excuses for him obviously, but it definitely seems to be true that he did not ever want a relationship with her of the nature she is seeking.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2020
id 8611138
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Ariopolis ( Member #75786) posted at 4:28 PM on Saturday, November 21st, 2020

Kate, I am so sorry you have to go through this. Nobody deserves to have their life turned inside out like this. Infidelity is one thing, but to have some shrieking wild woman going after you, when you didn't do anything, is too much.

She works with him. Everyone there works together. She came over after a relationship breakup (??!!!)

Do you mean she came over there and when the contract is up will go back to whence she came? Is that the country you and BF live in?

I can't imagine the company not stepping in and taking action. One of their contractors has the police involved, could be a possible sexual harassment situation, you'd think she'd have been reprimanded if not outright fired.

In any case, you are in a better place than most here. You have a remorseful partner who unequivocally wants you and no one else.

That's a BFD. But I still caution you to take things slow. Don't make any promises you can't keep. I mean like being caught up in the rush of him being home and then in six months, you can't stand looking at his lying face.

It happens.

Anyway, I wish you all the best. You seem to be

a very intelligent and thoughtful person. You'll make the right decision.

posts: 140   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8611177
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 Kate88 (original poster Member #75884) posted at 6:53 PM on Saturday, November 21st, 2020

There are no "companies" there -it's only military and a few government officials inhabiting. There's really no crime there, so "police" is just a couple of military who deal with drink driving and that's about it.

Anyway, after her harassment of me yesterday, by (ex) BF spoke to the Chief Medical Officer and organised a meeting with the three of them today, where it was made very clear she wasn't allowed to message / call / harrass either of us. They're also exploring sending her home so she can access mental health assistance at home.

She does live in the same country as me, which worries me a bit if she does get sent home, but I am hoping that things calm down now that it's been made clear and witnesses are involved.

I agree it's very positive that he knows what he wants and is willing to do anything to earn back my trust. So in the long term the decision will be mine to make.

I'm trying not to think about my decision now though, because I think the anxiety of feeling like I was facing such a terrible choice was making me ill.

I've decided to try and go day by day and take pressure off myself. Reading and writing here has helped me feel a lot better.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2020
id 8611205
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Hedwig ( Member #74175) posted at 9:57 PM on Saturday, November 21st, 2020

One day at a time, Kate. Take care of yourself and make sure you eat something every day. Make sure you try to sleep or have your doctor prescribe you something to help you sleep. You need that to keep your sanity and get through this.

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 261   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8611228
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mae19681995 ( Member #57360) posted at 5:29 PM on Sunday, November 22nd, 2020

Dear Kate88, So sorry you are going through this right now! Sounds like you are early in the process. It is a roller coaster ride.... There will be ups and downs, but if both of you are committed to reconciliation it will work out. Have you all thought about seeking IC or CC.... counseling individually or as a couple?? That is what helped my situation. It was good to have an outside person to guide us through how to communicate, how to forgive, and how to reconcile. Praying peace over you!

posts: 142   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017
id 8611345
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Apparition ( Member #75755) posted at 7:46 PM on Sunday, November 22nd, 2020

I have some anxiety right now (I have never been an anxious person) but it's affected my brain. I think I have some kind of cognitive dissonance or similar because my brain just can't accept that this is happening because my trust was so strong.

Kate, I'm very sorry you find yourself here. Right now you are not yourself, you don't have all your normal resources to draw upon. There is a lot of "fight or flight". You are likely in shock. Bad dreams. Poor sleep. Eating isn't normal. Obsessive thoughts. Emotional swings. All normal. What's happened to you is a traumatic event. Your first priority is to treat yourself. I've kept up with your thread and I see you love your WBF. It's okay to get help from him - if he's being helpful, but seek help outside of him please. It's hard to understand in the midst of a casualty the damage. I can promise you: you don't know yet how badly you've been damaged. You may think you do, but after a bomb has been tossed in a home it takes awhile to figure out what's been lost and what can be rebuilt. So please take care of yourself - You Are the Priority. Head up, shoulders back, chest out, and put yourself together.

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8611370
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PSTI ( Member #53103) posted at 6:50 PM on Monday, November 23rd, 2020

Honestly? I have to be the odd one out and say I would probably forgive this. But keep in mind my history of having my ex travel all the time.

The pandemic has been a crazy time and people are feeling messed up and lonely and isolated. I don't think it necessarily means that it will happen again, although I definitely think counseling would be a good idea.

It doesn't make it any easier. I know it hurts and you're probably feeling the whole raft of emotions... I just wouldn't make any decisions right away. Wait and see how he behaves and then go from there.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 3 years) & DBF (dating 2 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 698   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8611597
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 6:56 PM on Monday, November 23rd, 2020

I’d maybe agree PTSI, if it were about the cheating but unless he gets some help for his commitment issues which made him choose to go abroad and away from the OP , he’ll do the same or something similar again.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 12:57 PM, November 23rd (Monday)]

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8611601
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 Kate88 (original poster Member #75884) posted at 7:31 PM on Monday, November 23rd, 2020

I had a period away from thinking about all this because to be honest I was so anxious I was worried about myself. My heart was so loud and fast.

I haven't mentioned this earlier so as not to complicate the thread, but a few weeks ago we found out my son has a tumour (thankfully benign) but I went through the most horrendous terror worrying about it over the past couples of months, and we just met the surgeon a few days ago who will be removing it. Although it's benign, it's still pretty scary, significant surgery and I have been going through all this alone being as strong as I can be.

So even before this happened, I'd started to have a few panic attacks in the past few months, and I think I just surpassed my personal limit with this infidelity issue on top. I've been doing meditations and walks and breathing exercises and felt today like I could sleep and eat again.

I am calmer and have successfully soothed myself to a more balanced physical state and I will have to just do this in small increments to stop myself getting overwhelmed.

I strangely feel quite blank right now, like an emptiness. I am excited to see him though.

At the moment (sorry I am just learning abbreviations) my WBF is doing everything possible to make me comfortable, soothe and support me and he is also taking all the right steps towards healthy reconciliation and also dealing with his issues which got us here in the first place.

This is encouraging, but I also feel not able to fully "trust" it right now.

I spent some time reading almost all the threads on this site (they have been amazing) and it was informative and helpful to read it sounds like we are already doing all the right things.

I appreciate that this situation occurred in extreme circumstances and not seeing your partner for more than a year with another year to go is very lonely and difficult. I understand this person was instigating and chasing him when he was under the influence of alcohol.

Those things help, but they also don't change the feeling of betrayal and disloyalty and how alone it's made me feel.

I realise I don't yet know how badly damaged I am. My therapist says I should just trust myself to work through this at my own pace.

H has started IC to work on his commitment issues already. CC is something maybe for later. Right now, we are strangely doing well with communication but I feel like he needs to sort himself out before I could believe this won't happen again.

I don't mean the infidelity - I already think that would never happen again - but I just mean the fear of intimacy that put this distance between us in the first place.

So for now, I am trying to keep calm and not think too negatively while I get some respite for myself emotionally and I am really looking forward to seeing him.

He's very nervous, thinking I might hate him / not love him anymore when I see him. I don't think that will happen, but I suppose it's possible.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2020
id 8611613
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:38 AM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

I hope everything goes well for your child. Obviously that is where your focus should be.

And yes you may decide one day you don’t love your BF any more. It is possible. He took that risk when he cheated. Too bad it didn’t prevent him from cheating.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:14 PM, November 26th (Thursday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8612275
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Member #64418) posted at 8:07 PM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

I'm sorry you're here. I am totally in the opposite corner of most advice on here regarding your lack of children. To me, if you have kids and decide to stay it is selfish beyond reason...I've had this argument with others about this and my opinion is just that, an opinion. That being said, IMO the only time it is safe to consider R with someone is when there are no kids involved - precisely because you can be selfish - there is no one else to consider but you. And R, or attempting it, is a shitshow, an emotional rollercoaster, a total clusterfuck...so thinking ONLY of yourself is exactly where you should be and taking your time is a good thing. So don't feel like your relationship is lesser because you don't have kids - that R is somehow foolish because you don't have some other obligation. I too don't have children and I wanted to try to R and it was very frustrating to have people tell me "you don't have kids - run" as it hurt me more when I was in a position of so much hurt already.

So, what do YOU want? My WH also was pursued by his AP (I know this to be true - sadly I've read the messages between them over the course of 2 years). He ended it multiple times only to be "roped" back in...which changes nothing for me. Ultimately he wanted to do it, knew what he was doing, and how it would affect me/us and his now former friendship with the AP's H, and he did it anyway, over and over and over again. 1 night stand this was not. He too thought I would never find out and admitted he had no intention of ever telling me. Years ago he said he had no intention of leaving me...recently he admitted that he was trying to choose between us, and that for awhile he thought he wanted her and wanted me to "disappear" on my own. While I was at the hospital waiting to have an ultrasound for an "abnormal" lump - an appointment that he insisted on going with me to - he was late meeting me because he was talking to his AP. I could go on and on (and you likely will take "tally" of all these things he did at your expense over time). That shit hurts. A lot. But what hurts more, is what they do after discovery....

So if you have any intention of R, or even want to think about it at all, pay attention to the long game and make yourself Plan A.

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8612628
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Sofarsogood ( Member #71991) posted at 10:11 PM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

I guess I would still have reservations if I were you. During this separation you didn't make the decision to step out with someone else. I hope he realizes what a gem he has in you and lives up to what you deserve. Personally, I would be very wary of the situation.

posts: 272   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8612650
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 1:41 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

She is minimizing everything because,as you said, she doesn't know he is going home yet and was hoping if she helped him,by telling you the watered down version and taking all the blame, he would be appreciative, and she may get another chance to change his mind.

And it's very easy for him to say he is willing to to what is needed. He had no clue what is needed. It takes 3 to 5 years to heal from infidelity. He needs IC to figure out why he did this. Drunk is an excuse. Separation for a long period of time is another excuse.

I'm sorry but I can't belive that some of our members are saying this should be excused and forgiven, because of the Separation. Does that mean all military wives should shrug their shoulders when their husband cheats because he is deployed? What about the spouses who are separated because of other business obligations?

He cheated. Because he wanted to. He did it for the same reason every other WS does it. They wanted to and didn't think they would get caught.

It just happens that he got involved with a bunny boiler. Would he have ended it if she hadn't started getting to involved? Maybe he just wanted a FWB, and she fell in love. Who knows? Not me. And not you.

You seem determined to take him back and rugsweep. Before you do that, I suggest a polygraph, to find out if you have the truth. Right now you have the words of a woman who clearly wants your boyfriend,and a freshly caught WS. Not very good odds that you have the truth.

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8612685
Topic is Sleeping.
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