I had a period away from thinking about all this because to be honest I was so anxious I was worried about myself. My heart was so loud and fast.
I haven't mentioned this earlier so as not to complicate the thread, but a few weeks ago we found out my son has a tumour (thankfully benign) but I went through the most horrendous terror worrying about it over the past couples of months, and we just met the surgeon a few days ago who will be removing it. Although it's benign, it's still pretty scary, significant surgery and I have been going through all this alone being as strong as I can be.
So even before this happened, I'd started to have a few panic attacks in the past few months, and I think I just surpassed my personal limit with this infidelity issue on top. I've been doing meditations and walks and breathing exercises and felt today like I could sleep and eat again.
I am calmer and have successfully soothed myself to a more balanced physical state and I will have to just do this in small increments to stop myself getting overwhelmed.
I strangely feel quite blank right now, like an emptiness. I am excited to see him though.
At the moment (sorry I am just learning abbreviations) my WBF is doing everything possible to make me comfortable, soothe and support me and he is also taking all the right steps towards healthy reconciliation and also dealing with his issues which got us here in the first place.
This is encouraging, but I also feel not able to fully "trust" it right now.
I spent some time reading almost all the threads on this site (they have been amazing) and it was informative and helpful to read it sounds like we are already doing all the right things.
I appreciate that this situation occurred in extreme circumstances and not seeing your partner for more than a year with another year to go is very lonely and difficult. I understand this person was instigating and chasing him when he was under the influence of alcohol.
Those things help, but they also don't change the feeling of betrayal and disloyalty and how alone it's made me feel.
I realise I don't yet know how badly damaged I am. My therapist says I should just trust myself to work through this at my own pace.
H has started IC to work on his commitment issues already. CC is something maybe for later. Right now, we are strangely doing well with communication but I feel like he needs to sort himself out before I could believe this won't happen again.
I don't mean the infidelity - I already think that would never happen again - but I just mean the fear of intimacy that put this distance between us in the first place.
So for now, I am trying to keep calm and not think too negatively while I get some respite for myself emotionally and I am really looking forward to seeing him.
He's very nervous, thinking I might hate him / not love him anymore when I see him. I don't think that will happen, but I suppose it's possible.