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Apparently there is a time limit on healing from their affairs

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Thrownaway29 posted 10/28/2020 05:56 AM

Last year my WH at 61 let me know that he was having an affair with a 19 year old at work. I immediately told him to get out. But after wishing with a therapist decided to try to work through it and save the marriage. However, at every turn she kept popping back up. At the same time my mom was having serious health issues and I was taking care of her. The whole time I felt like he wasn't being honest and was still hiding things from me so the hurt and anger wasn't going away. I discovered a 2nd burner phone that he was using to talk with her on 8/31. It's been all down hill from there. She is the love of his life, he has moved out to be with her but he still loves me and is going to take care of me..... on top of all of that my mom died on 9/28 & I am on my way to the oncologist to get test results to see if I have cancer. I don't know how much one person can take at a time!!!! Sorry for the rant just needed to get it out!

devotedman posted 10/28/2020 06:08 AM

Wow, that is a lot to deal with. You've been heard.

fareast posted 10/28/2020 06:33 AM

Very sorry you are going through all of this. Sending you strength and healing vibes. Take care of you. Best wishes for negative cancer results.

The1stWife posted 10/28/2020 07:10 AM

Iím sorry to hear your mom has passed away. Iím sure she would have been there for you.

Secondly you need to protect yourself financially. It is the most important thing you can do.

This 19 year old cannot possibly be in this relationship for the long haul. And your H chasing after her will make him look ridiculous (at the very least).

I am so sorry for you.

Thrownaway29 posted 10/28/2020 07:54 AM

Thank you all. I have been to the attorney all ready the paperwork is already started. I am protecting my child and myself. WH has been told by everyone under the sun she is after money but he swears she isn't and that she loves him and they are a perfect match. As of today they have both had two birthdays so he is 63 and she is 21. He won't listen to anyone but knows this isn't going to last and is going to go badly but it's still worth it to throw away your family. To bad I dared to age. Or son barely speaks to him because of the way he is treating us. Focused on getting paperwork done and through court. Attorney said should be done before the end of the year.

crazyblindsided posted 10/28/2020 11:19 AM

so he is 63 and she is 21

I am so happy you are getting out of this craziness. What a sick man and I agree the girl is after money no other reason would make a 21 year old do this. He is going to lose his son too over such disgusting behavior.

The1stWife posted 10/28/2020 13:04 PM

Just be prepared when he tries to come crawling back.

He will be broke. He will be devastated. He will be an empty shell. He will be nothing more than a stupid guy who fell fir the shiny new toy. And when the shine goes away heís left with nothing.

You need to protect yourself.

newlife03 posted 10/28/2020 14:32 PM

I'm so sorry about your mom, and hope your results are negative.

I agree that once the little tart is finished with him he will come back and realize how foolish he has been. Make sure you are set financially before he wiggles his way back to you.

BearlyBreathing posted 10/28/2020 19:55 PM

TA29, Your STBXH is a doddering fool. Once you get your financials settled and separate from him and his money grubbing child, buy lots of popcorn. Gonna be a heck of a show.

Until then, you take care of you. I am so sorry about your mom. Losing parents is so hard and in the middle of all this ó just ugh. And I am sending mojo for a good outcome from your tests. And when you feel weak, remember we are all here supporting you from all the corners of the internet.


Thrownaway29 posted 10/29/2020 04:45 AM

Thank you all so much. The idea that I may have cancer has him doubting the things he is doing and has done. I have all ready taken steps to make sure that my son and I will good financially. We are praying in every other way for their relationship but we will not have to worry about paying the bills or losing the house. I have already told him that ending the relationship with her will not automatically let him back in. Which i don't think he is willing to do at this point. The dissolution needs to go through and he needs to do a lot of work on himself alone before I would ever consider it and even then there is no guarantee. The amount of damage caused to our son and I is to great to ignore.

This possible diagnosis while very frightening has also given me clarity to the fact that we have limited time on this earth and there are things in life that don't deserve the days they take away from us! I am not willing to allow them to steal anymore days from me than necessary to end this marriage.

nekonamida posted 10/29/2020 09:40 AM

TA, we're all rooting for you. Good luck with the test results. And hopefully you already know that his choice to be with her had NOTHING to do with R and your healing. He never stopped talking to her long enough to give you a chance in the first place.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/29/2020 23:05 PM

Iím with you- he doesnít get to come back at a later date. I told my WS he had to get serious help before Iíd even talk to him. Of course he didnít do it. He was used to crossing the line of respect with me over and over-I just didnít realize it.
I know too many people that let their husbands back b4 they did the work, and it ended up worse for them financially, and they couldnít get their WS to leave.

Be strong!

Thrownaway29 posted 10/30/2020 17:23 PM

Yesterday he asked me what he had to do to come back home. He wants to be there for our son and I and he can't do that at his apartment. That he knows he has caused a lot of damage. My answer was I wasn't saying no to working on things but no he can't just come back to the house. He had caused a lot of damage to us and he had to show that he is willing to do the work to fix that before I would even consider it. And that i am not stopping the work that I am doing for the dissolution. I will consider it if we had a joint session with the counselor to figure this all out. That i needed to know what changed from a few days ago that she walks on water is prefect and the love of his life. Now I am supposed to believe that I am the love of his life.... lots of things don't make sense and I am not willing to be made into "the other woman" in this situation. He hasn't told her he asked me if he could come home..... Folks I am a lot of things but stupid is not one of them.

nekonamida posted 10/30/2020 20:21 PM

Good TA! He is not allowed home while she is still in the picture. He needs to show you proof of NC and attend X number of counseling sessions before you should even consider backing off of D.

The1stWife posted 10/31/2020 06:43 AM

Good for you for seeing through his ďattemptĒ to reconcile.

If he has to ask ďwhat he needs to doĒ then it shows you heís still taking the easy way out.

If he has enough brain power to cheat then let him figure out what he needs to do to make amends and repair the damage. I never told my H what to do to reconcile. Honestly I wasnít interested.

But he did it on his own. All of it. He proved he was willing to take full responsibility and attempt to fix this situation. I offered no help or support or encouragement.

Your H is not stupid. Heís just looking for the easy way out. Glad to see you are not letting him take that path. Next time he asks that question- tell him to figure it out. On his own.

Because heís offered you no support or honesty. So itís a 2 way street and you are not interested in offering anything to him either.

Thrownaway29 posted 10/31/2020 12:13 PM

I feel like he is just messing with my emotions again and I have had enough. And now he has me so distracted that I missed my cut off for health insurance for next year so I have no idea what I am going to do. The only way I can get it is to push the dissolution through really quick. I have to tell you that I am usually a very organized person with her self in order and at this moment I am so out of control that I don't recognize myself.

BearlyBreathing posted 10/31/2020 23:36 PM

Oh infidelity is a total mindf*ck. It just turns our brains to mush for a while. You might need to go for the D just that you have a life event and can get back on the insurance. If he actually does the work then you can remarry. But now take care of you and get your ducks in a row, get insurance or if heís open enrollment still on make sure he gets you insurance. I understand where youíre coming from Ė there are so many side effects to infidelity.

Thrownaway29 posted 11/1/2020 16:53 PM


You are right it is definitely a mind ****. I am moving forward not only because of insurance but because I need security for my son and I. The only way to ensure that is to follow through. If he truly wants to work on things he will understand that and still do the work. If he doesn't then this was just an attempt to get me to call off the dissolution and try to carry on with both of us. I have learned my lesson about believing that they are done. I have made it clear the dissolution will continue and if we can fix things we could always get remarried. His actions are up to him. I am willing to watch and see. At the same time it does interest me to see what's out there after the dissolution is final. Maybe that sounds bad but I have only been with him since I was 18. So I guess we will see how this all goes.

Westway posted 11/2/2020 17:43 PM

Even if he dumped her and wanted to come back to you, why would you want him? He's tainted...defiled. And you would just be Plan B.

I'm so sorry life is going so sucky for you right now. Wishing you strength and peace.

Thrownaway29 posted 11/4/2020 06:32 AM


I don't know that I would want to be with him and I have made that very clear. I said I wasn't saying no to looking at it but that he absolutely could not just move back in. He would have to end the relationship with her on his own and because he wanted to not because I said he had to. Last time I made him end it and this is where we ended back up and I am not willing to do that again. We have a session scheduled with the MC today not as MC but to explore why he is even asking. There are questions that I am asking that he had asked for time to respond to so we will see what the answers are today. I have not stopped anything with the dissolution, in fact, I am currently reviewing the second draft for the attorney. I have also told my STBXH that in order to provide security for our son and myself I am going to proceed with the dissolution. If things would work out between us we could get remarried in the future but I need the legal documents in place if he doesn't do what he says he will do. I am way past just believing what he is telling me. I only believe what I see with my own two eyes. I have learned that lesson well. Actions speak louder than words and I am watching everything.

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