Newest Member: loyaltylost

I Can Relate :
Former Waywards not in Reconciliation

default

 SI Staff (original poster moderator #10) posted at 5:37 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

A thread for former Waywards who are working on themselves after divorce or breakup. Betrayed spouses are not allowed to post. The On Topic guideline covers this topic.

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8600424
default

Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 5:47 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

Thank you SI Staff for this thread. It’s been hard for me to get a feel for where I most belong since right after D-day 10.5 years ago.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6327   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8600433
default

foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 5:51 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

I'm excited to see where this thread goes!

I feel we have a lot to offer each other as we continue to grow, even if we aren't in R, as our journey doesn't start or end on that alone.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2535   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8600435
default

foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 8:24 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

So I don't really know how we will be using this thread or what dialogue will come. But I figured I'll kick things off with where I'm at now.

So, I am just over a year of leaving my ex for the second time. Most of you know that I wanted R even to my detriment. It saddens me deeply. I skirted depression this past year, just shy of falling into something deep. I think the work I've done on myself helped to keep my head above water, but only barely.

I knew leaving this time was it, there was no going back for me. Even though it was my choice it didn't make the pain nonexistent or any less than.

I was hoping he would grow with me, and though its not my fault, I feel guilt that it didn't happen that way. I feel guilt that I out grew our relationship. I didn't want to leave him behind but I couldn't stay stuck there either. So what was a girl supposed to do? I wish him all the best, I really do. I have spent my entire adult life with that guy and I don't wish ill will in any capacity. Sometimes I'm still hit with a wave of grief over the loss and the pain we've caused each other.

One doesn't forget this experience and its left me with a heart full of remorse even now. It has shaped my outlook and the rest of my life.

With that said, I am in a really good place right now. The dark clouds have lifted and I feel a sense of renewal. My exhaustion has lightened and really most of all, I feel the payoff of all that hard work I've put in these last 4 and a half years. Its hard when you are in the thick of it to understand exactly what you are working towards, we get so focused on the work, its nice when you can just come up for a breath, be still, and know that it was 100 percent worth it.

In my quest for a better me, I fought for myself in ways I didn't think I had in me. I had to get super uncomfortable and honest. Lots of fears and unknowns. I cried a lot. But I kept leveling up. I like this version of me. (and again with the guilt! that I wasn't able to give him this version)

I think my next step is to find a way to overcome all that guilt of moving on. Just let it go, let go of the outcome that has befallen us.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2535   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8600512
default

Neanderthal ( member #71141) posted at 9:00 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

I belong here as much as anywhere I suppose. Divorced for less than a month, but its felt like an eternity. I keep trying to do things that I think are correct, but I just don't trust my judgement anymore. So then I decide to just take a break and not make decisions, and my anxiety goes through the roof. I'm crawling in my own skin most days.

foreverlabeled,

That is a pretty positive update. Thank you.

Do you regret trying the second time?

Me: WS/BS
XW: Lifedestroyer (LD)

posts: 433   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8600528
default

Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 9:31 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

My H divorced me after I cheated. We remarried a few years later. In hindsight, not a good idea. Then we had two children. Also not a good idea in hindsight, because although we love them dearly, our firstborn is autistic which is a challenge in and of itself, but also limits the options for getting out of this marriage, because she requires substantial support and unconventional childcare.

We are I guess sort of informally in-house separated; we only communicate about finances and the kids and avoid each other otherwise. Hopefully I’ll have a better idea of my opportunity to D in the next few years.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6327   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8600551
default

foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 9:41 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

Hey Neanderthal

No I don't regret it. It left me feeling disappointed sure, but I guess I learn things the hard way. I actually realized pretty soon, within days of moving back in that I made the wrong choice. I wanted R though, and I was willing to sacrifice a lot for it. Until I fully understood what that meant, of course. And it wasn't healthy.

Neanderthal, time always had a funny way of playing tricks on my sense of time. I get what you mean by feeling like an eternity. One day at a time, y'know?

Oddly enough, I never struggled with anxiety until I left. Its a tough battle. Do you have any strategies to help with the anxiety? I think its as good as any place to start and heal. Mine was rooted in fear and loss, helplessness to the situation.

I'm sorry you struggled with it. I feel like now that I know anxiety its just a part of me now. Though it occurs significantly less often, the slightest thing can set it off now.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 3:47 PM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2535   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8600562
default

foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 9:46 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

 Hopefully I’ll have a better idea of my opportunity to D in the next few years

DF I'll be glad when you find that kind of peace. Your unhappiness is evident and thats a hard way to live your life.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2535   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8600565
default

hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 9:48 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

I am reading. In a weird way I needed to hear that update foreverlabeled. It gives me hope. I am happy for you.

Even in my current mess I can see the benefits of all I just worked on. There is strength in knowing you can rely on yourself. It scares me too. But I feel your update and it resonates with some of what I am experiencing. I am

Glad they made this thread.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8600566
default

Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 10:53 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

foreverlabeled, yes it is. I want a real marriage someday.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6327   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8600599
default

Poppy704 ( member #62532) posted at 11:12 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

In a way it makes me bristle your out in a separate area because it makes me feel like a “bad” wayward. But it is what it is.

I’m glad the clouds are parting for you ForeverLabeled. A lot of advice to WS is in some ways contradictory. Be authentic, be honest, be transparent.... Well some of those things aren’t necessarily going to lead to Reconciliation depending on the marriage and both parties . But they do lead to being healthy, and safe, and a better person.

posts: 428   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8600609
default

Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 11:21 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

Poppy,

I see what you’re saying but I have always had so little in common with the other WSs as relates to their BS. He made the decision on D-day to divorce me. He was never interested in a timeline, or a polygraph, or monitoring my whereabouts, or checking my social media. Two years after our divorce, he just as abruptly asked me to consider getting back together. I asked him if there was anything about the affair that he wanted to talk about. He asked one or two questions and then asked (more like demanded) that I not bring it up again. We went about our lives. Then our relationship started deteriorating, and I couldn’t relate again to most of the WSs here, who were all so eager to make their R work and who had BSs who also wanted it to succeed. I’m grateful for this thread because at least it’s an area for those of us who aren’t on the mainstream path.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6327   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8600610
default

Poppy704 ( member #62532) posted at 11:45 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

Not that I want you to go, but why do you stay here Darkness? I know you’ve cultivated friendships, but it seems like other groups might be a better fit for you?

posts: 428   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8600617
default

Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 1:33 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

That’s a good question. To be honest, I’m not sure anymore.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6327   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8600650
default

Poppy704 ( member #62532) posted at 1:51 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Like I said, I do t want to see you leave, but I found other groups to be more helpful to me or at least a good addition to the mix. I attend online codependency meetings , my IC got me in touch with abuse support. Other groups might help balance things for you.

posts: 428   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8600660
default

foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 12:41 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Poppy, this thread makes you feel like it's for bad waywards? I'm sorry thats your take.

I could never relate to a ws 4-5 years into R or even 10 years in, with the struggles or even happiness and found success. I could assume and help based on other experiences. But here? With my fellow outliers, it nice to have a common space and shared path. I like that we have a place here in ICR that is specific.

I like that the reason we stick around even if R failed is because the goal has always been getting our shit together and there is no shortage of shit. Contrary to my name I don't always wish to be labeled forever as a wayward but it is in my history and I still relate to that time in my life. It doesn't seem like that long ago.

And even more SI becomes a home for many of us. In my darkest hour this community was there for me. I learned everything here and I feel like there is a lot more to be discovered. While its obviously heavy on the infidelity happenings, reading between the lines, it offers so much to building a successful and healthy life. I'm ALL about that. Its not like we've been exiled here, in fact its quite the opposite. I'm thankful that SI has taken us into consideration and has given us yet another safe place.

Here we can take our collective effort and knowledge and apply it with infidelity removed from the equation, but also not forgetting it. We can talk about our struggles of R failing. The fears of being alone, that our fellow waywards in R cannot relate to. We can still be among the friends we've made and share our new beginnings.

Like, I'm totally ready to date! Or at least, well.. a year is along time is all I'm saying!

But you know too, the very thing that upsets you about being out here away from the rest is also something maybe you could glean some insight among us and like we say over there with the rest of em in wayward, if something raises defensiveness maybe you should ask why.

Also, Poppy that wasn't entirely directed towards you and you alone. That's my take on the new ICR thread for anyone with doubts.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2535   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8600760
default

hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 2:42 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Poppy,

I actually think it's so positive WS not in R are here. To me those who do that, who go on with their work and fostering the relationships they made here are proactive and still interested in learning and growing.

Also, whether or not we are in R has no bearing if we are a good WS or not. R is not an outcome we get to choose alone. And, no matter what work we did doesn't mean we get to R. R doesn't make us worthy, we make ourselves worthy.

And, besides, many of us who get on the road to R get off. Sometimes due to our actions and sometimes not. I don't see this forum thread as "now if you fit this label you must post here" I see it supplementary to our forum. Not all of us feel comfortable going over to the divorce forum, or new beginnings. Hell, I couldn't feel comfortable posting my JFO thread over in General. Supplementary threads are really good. If this works out it might help to have one for former WS who are in R. I see that as a potential as well because there was so much I felt I wanted to share when I thought things were going well but it felt wrong to post it very much in the wayward thread. And, lately there have been so many WS who expressed their jealousy and comparing where they were, it became even more apparent all I wanted to share didn't quite "fit" in there the way same of what Foreverlabeled is saying. Like her wanting to date again (YEAH!) I know there is an R thread, but over there when you post something it feels like people say "Yeah but what would your BS say? Which makes sense but that's a buzz killer when you feel like you got another good thing under your belt.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:44 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8600806
default

Poppy704 ( member #62532) posted at 4:24 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

After I posted a life update recently, a lengthy post popped up in General about fWS getting to move on and how it’s not fair, etc etc, and even in my own post it was an issue that I praised my new husband, so my feelings of resentment towards being deemed guilty in a brand new way make me prickly, How dare I go on to be happy and continue to try to improve myself?! What else am I supposed to do? Curl up and die?

Ultimately, as everyone has said it’s good to have a special little weirdo/outlier zone, I’m just prickly.

Edited to try to verbalize my feelings, which I’ve done poorly.

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 10:54 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

posts: 428   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8600852
default

foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 4:57 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

I get it Poppy. I don't know which thread you are referring to but its important to consider the source though. I used to take a lot of what is said here personal and to heart. I let it bother me greatly. Whether it was indeed meant to be personal or not. I had to change my thinking.

We break people, traumatize them, its abusive. I'm not particularly fond of abusers myself, even having been exactly that. Sometimes we leave a bad taste and no amount of water is going to wash out that shit sandwich.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 10:58 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2535   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8600871
default

JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 5:53 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Ditto on prickly.

I still really really don’t want to “move on.”

But the time I had to prove I wanted R, I failed.

I dunno, there’s a lot of weird shit swirling around for me right now. Each day feels like a lifetime’s worth of changing thoughts- Echoes of your thoughts, Neanderthal.

I just continue to feel stuck knowing that I want to share this journey- But I have thought and evaluated and I know that it’s not just with anyone, but only STBXW. I imagine that my letting go will look like yours, foreverlabeled. There’s other changes I’m interested in but it all requires patience.

ETA: The unfairness of moving on is an interesting paradox for me. I don’t want to, but if I don’t I’m punishing myself. Ties in to charges of “not fighting for it” when BPs explicitly tell the abuser to stop. Persistence can be off putting, I’m quietly still here and a much better person than I was, but staying stuck could be genuinely bad for both of us.

[This message edited by JBWD at 11:57 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 909   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8600902
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20211202 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy